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A Message from Michele
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Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903210
09/06/20 03:27 PM
09/06/20 03:27 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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DejaVu6  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
LOL...I love you guys. Like Andrew, Iíll keep coming back here to let you know how Iím doing even if I do get hammered. If TDH and I ever live together, that is years down the road. IDK...I get the risks. I do. Iím now almost through an entire weekend with TDH.

We spent Friday night out at the lake with my friends and succumbed to pressure to stay the night. They all liked TDH a lot. He fit right in and stayed up talking with the night owls long after my sister and I had gone to bed. Yesterday we spent mostly hanging out at my place. Had a number of spirited conversations about some topics that we eventually agreed to disagree on. I like that we can do that and still laugh. We also talked about the LDRs and what it takes, we think, to make it work. Neither of us have been in a LDR so it is a bit daunting but we think if we see each other for a weekend once or twice a month and keep talking regularly, it can work. Time will tell, I guess.

Dawn...thank you for your thoughts on my kids. I know them extremely well. We are very close and they tell me what they think about things...usually without me asking. And, on the off chance they donít tell me something, I know they would definitely tell SD20 who would immediately come running to me. TBH...they probably wonít see a whole lot of TDH since likely the weekends he would come here are the weekends I donít have the kids and vice versa. From their perspective, they met their momís friend and can now put a face to a name. They liked him a lot so they wonít give it much more thought. If they didnít like him, that would probably be a different story. But they did so they are satisfied their mom is okay dating this person and thatís about it. And like I said...I dated Jack for a year and they barely noticed his absence after we broke up. I am not worried at all.

I feel like I know TDH reasonably well...at least well enough to risk having him stay with me for a weekend with other people in the house and my sister five minutes away. We talked on the phone for six weeks. I visited him at his home for the equivalent of a day and a half and got to observe him in his home environment and meet a couple people who see him on the regular. I watched his face when he talked about his kids and talked with his sister and cousin on the phone. I know a genuine, heart on his sleeve kind of person when I see one. I know it because it is like looking in the mirror. He treats people exactly the way I do and that comes from a really genuine honest place. Are we crazy to go ďall inĒ by trying to build a real relationship? Maybe. But whatís the alternative? Neither of us are serial daters. I donít want to see a bunch of different people when I am this attracted to one person and neither does he. I guess because of OLD, we have more of an opportunity to ďshopĒ for potential partners and committing to one seems crazier than it did 20 years ago because we know that we can just go online and find ten other people who may or may not be better than the person we are currently dating. But Iím just not buying into that. Iíve been on a ton of first dates. I donít need to go on anymore just to satisfy some imaginary quota. I was looking for ONE person who matches me in values and who excites me enough to want to see him again. I found him so Iím going to see where it goes. So I guess when people say I am taking a huge risk, I just donít see it that way. The biggest risk I am taking is with my heart but I am okay with it because I went through hell with my XH and I came out the other side of it still me only now I know how strong I am. If things donít work out with TDH in the long run, I will survive. And if they do? Well...Iíll be really, really happy I took advantage of the opportunity when it was presented to me.

Anyway...gotta run. Last day with TDH before he heads back home. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903252
09/07/20 07:43 PM
09/07/20 07:43 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,834
Midwest
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DonH Offline
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DonH  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,834
Midwest
Iím late here to responding, partly because life finally has returned to just about normal, though Iím sure or at least fear itís only a couple week break from the insanity. I also know what I say wonít change a thing. But I always strive to not be hypocritical about things. And I have to agree with Dawn that has become a danger. We were all over Ginger for intertwining her daughter into a three month thing that she had no business getting intertwined in. Ginger learned from that mistake and has not repeated it. Weíve also been very critical of Andrew and his mad dash to instant love.

As has oft been pointed out we really canít know the true day to day of things here. All we can do is think based on our experiences. Iíve met and even dated a few woman who had daughters who acted more like the mother than the actual mom did. They made better decisions and were often embarrassed by the actions of their parent. Not at all saying thatís the case here but might it be? At the end of the day your daughter is still 12 - TWELVE! She is very impressionable and is learning by what she sees and experiences. I donít doubt she didnít miss Jack. He likely said very little to her and rarely interacted with her by how you describe him. She probably thought he was just the weird guy With no job who never talked, that her mom was dating. Itís not her job to make sure YOU are okay - itís the other way around. Sheís the child! She should be the first priority and the first concern. So perhaps she wonít get attached to TDH either. S it worth the risk? But Beyond that, what are you modeling for her? Through her eyes itís completely normal and acceptable to meet some guy on the Internet and then I Invite him to your home and your bed on the first meeting. Then if that first meeting blows up itís okay to do it all over again. Is that the behavior you want to model for your daughter? Honestly? I pray we are not calling you grandma in a few years. I know thatís harsh but see it through a 12 year old CHILDS eyes. She is seeing what you do and will very likely do it herself. The most impressionable role model is the same sex parent. Given your profession you have to know this.

If it were just you Iíd say I donít agree (at all) but hey itís your life and your choices. As long as no one is being harmed go for it. But when children are involved, itís a whole new level of concern. She is not your mature friend. She is your still very impressionable daughter. And then we have TDH who by both of your own words has a struggling child who really needs extra care and patience so TDH sneaks away from the child a day earlier so he can play house with his brand new girlfriend. Wow. I so feel for that child. I have to wonder if this childís behavior is not intertwined to his fathers behavior. How can it not be?

Like others here, itís clear nothing we say will Change things one bit. All we can do is put our points in writing for the others who happen to read it. I hope you beat the odds here and hope we are all wrong. It could happen. Still, real Life stories Like Dirty John do happen. We all think it will never happen to us though. I certainly hope it never happens to you but the one thing that is hard to dispute at this point is there is no possible way you can truly know who TDH is - nor can he know who you truly are. You both may think you do and you may be starting to see the real person but you really canít this soon. Itís just not possible. Thatís why slow and steady often wins the race. Oh for sure the quick love at first sight sometimes works out as well but more often than not, it does not. Just please donít put others at risk for the decisions you make. There is a reason 12 year olds donít drive, vote or hold important jobs or make adult decisions - no matter how mature they may be. At their core they are still children and need to be protected.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903254
09/07/20 08:00 PM
09/07/20 08:00 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
D
DejaVu6 Offline OP
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DejaVu6  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
Wow. Okay Don. Thanks for your input. You clearly know nothing about me or my situation or who I am and what kind of a role model I am. FYI... The people who know me in real life, including my kidsí grandma who lives with me, think that I am a fantastic role model...as do the hundreds of kids and families Iíve worked with over the years. I 100% know what my daughterís job is. Not sure if you have kids or not but relationships are two-way streets...even with kids. It is not her job to worry about me but she does it anyway as I did with my parents. I donít tell her everything. Sheís a very well taken care of kid and very well-adjusted. But thatís how kids with empathy and awareness are in the world. I was exactly the same way. Anyway...Iím done justifying myself to you. I think maybe you can just pay attention to other peopleís threads from now on.


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903386
09/09/20 03:02 PM
09/09/20 03:02 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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DejaVu6  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
Well...surgery went well and my sister has been an awesome nurse. Sheís had a number of surgeries so knows what I need to feel better. The clinic is located on the first floor of a really nice hotel so we stayed over last night so the clinic nurse can check on me this morning. Sweet setup. We have a full kitchen and a living room. Never had generally anaesthetic before. Bizarre experience, to say the least. Best sleep I ever had...lol. Last night was okay. I have a stomach binder on that makes me feel all put together so no major pain unless I move significantly which I only do if I need to get up. Gonna double up on pain meds for the car ride home which is about 90 minutes if traffic is okay.

TDH has been super sweet. Called me several times yesterday to make sure I was okay and sent me random texts throughout the day to make me smile. The last day with him went really well. He made me an amazing dinner of BBQd ribs and we basically sat on my deck and talked. He said he could talk to me for hours...it is so easy between us. We also took the kids out for ice cream earlier in the day and XH was outside when we drove up so I introduced them. XH told me he had to sell the boat in order to pay for the time he will need to be on the mainland for OWís surgery. I saw her when we dropped the kids off. Her stomach is swollen from all of the fluid and the rest of her is really skinny. I feel bad for her. She must be going through hell and Iím sure is worried about the transplant and how it will all go. I pray it all works out. So strange to get to this place of detachment with XH. I honestly hope things work out for them. I really do. I see them both now and I have no negative feelings whatsoever. I just want them to be happy the same way I want to be happy. As always, this would be the best case scenario for our kids.

Hope everyone had a great long weekend!! School starts tomorrow. Kids are excited. Hopefully CV19 cases remain low on the Island and they can keep going.


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903387
09/09/20 03:10 PM
09/09/20 03:10 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,849
Massachusetts
B
bttrfly Offline
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bttrfly  Offline
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B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,849
Massachusetts
ok, well, in the interests of being consistent in my posts, here I am:

Most people who go the route of online dating are doing so in the hopes of meeting someone they 'click' with (pardon the pun), so that they can get to know that person better, and perhaps mutually decide that they want to start a relationship and see what happens.

Some people have other motives, but you're not going to know that at the beginning unless it's super obvious.

From what you've written DV, this is a guy you've 'clicked' with. The attraction is mutual. You both want to explore this to see where it can go from here.

Each of us comes to this forum with our own set of luggage which colors our posts and our actions both on and offline. People have made much of the fact that Andrew got annihilated for the speed with which he and B then S got together. I remain of the same opinions I posted at the time on his threads.

If I were to weigh in on your sitch, here are what I see as the positives:

** TDH has spent what seems to me to be a reasonable time on his own post divorce so you can have a reasonable expectation that he's not in a major rush to fill the void so many of us feel in the immediate aftermath of BD, nor are you in danger of being the "rebound" girl
** You've met him in his element, and sensed no red flags
** You've met some of his "people" and everything so far is consistent
** Your people are giving you positive feedback after meeting and spending time with him
** You guys have slowed the talk down and are seeming to take a more long-range view of things

and the negatives:

** still not clear on the text thing and subsequent explanation. I'd like to meet those folks myself to formulate a better opinion, if I were in your shoes. Again, that's what * I'd * like, not necessarily what * you * would like or need
** The son in question who has issues would raise a flag for me, BUT I do not do what YOU do for a living, so obviously your comfort level is different as is your professional knowledge of the situation.
** no, I wouldn't introduce my son to someone right away, probably not for several months, but again - that's me.

Why am I seemingly easier on you than Andrew?
** TDH hasn't several kids from several relationships.
** TDH hasn't been in an all fired rush to tie you down
** TDH isn't pursuing you while being legally married to someone else.
** You aren't being set up to be marriage #4.
** From what you've told us, it seems TDH has spent more time on self reflection and internal work than S
** You aren't moving anyone into your home with their children, pets etc. at what seems to be the speed of light, or at least the speed of sound
** So far TDH's actions match his words, except for that one incident. There's not lip service to doing something then not following through

Let's face it, tt's hard enough to find someone to "click" with. When you do, the last thing you need, imho, is to run a gauntlet, however well-meaning or well-intentioned that gauntlet may be. It's interesting to me how much support posters get on the other forums here and how hypercritical we all are on this particular side of the online fence. Again, I blame it on the luggage that got us here. Some on this forum have pretty much told me or acted like I'm either a prude or some sort of bizarre weirdo for the stance I take on romantic matters. As a twenty-something I was notoriously picky and that has not changed. I recognize that I am a bit of a unicorn. I'm not going to change who I fundamentally am and I'm not going to rush to put myself in a situation I'm haven't been ready for up til now. Bottom line - I don't give a rat's @$$ for anyone's opinion of how I live my life. I don't think you do either, so be happy, be careful, be safe.


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903388
09/09/20 03:14 PM
09/09/20 03:14 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,849
Massachusetts
B
bttrfly Offline
Member
bttrfly  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,849
Massachusetts
also i'm glad your surgery went well. xooxo sending love and light for quick healing

it's wonderful that you have no negative feelings towards XH or OW. Shows how much work you've done. Good job!


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903410
09/09/20 05:41 PM
09/09/20 05:41 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,598
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Dawn70 Offline
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Dawn70  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,598
I couldn't agree more, bttrfly, that our responses here are totally colored by our own personal experiences, the life we have led, the particular baggage that we carry. While I wouldn't make the same choices I see others making, they, in turn would not likely make the same choices I do either. Sometimes, though, I do think that it is in those who differ from us most that we can learn the most. It is easy to get complacent in getting advice from like-minded people, but those of a differing opinion can offer a different perspective that may not seem as obvious to us.

I am the one who pointed out the difference in how people responded to DV vs. how they responded to Andrew and the subsequent comments were just a response to what I'd said, but I stand by it. Are there differences in the situations? Absolutely! But the main similarity that prompted my comments to begin with were the speed at which things seemed to be moving. I have hammered Andrew and I said my peace to DV as well and in both cases, they can take or leave what I said as they see fit. I don't live their lives and comment only based on one tiny tidbit of the story and I don't have to live with the very real consequences, whether they are positive or negative. At the end of the day, we all have to do what works for us in our situations. And, we can take advice from strangers on the internet or we can leave it as we see fit. I know I continue to post, though sometimes I get comments that sting a tad. I just remind myself that the comments are based on a very sliver of information that I provided, so I can take it personally or I can take it in the helpful spirit with which it is usually intended.

By the way, DV, sorry for the hijack, but I also wanted to say glad your surgery went well. Here's to quick healing so you can be up and around in no time.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903414
09/09/20 06:12 PM
09/09/20 06:12 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,849
Massachusetts
B
bttrfly Offline
Member
bttrfly  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,849
Massachusetts
you notice all my threads are gone. there are several reasons for that.


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903424
09/09/20 06:55 PM
09/09/20 06:55 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,598
D
Dawn70 Offline
Member
Dawn70  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,598
I did notice that, actually, and I respect it. I have a lot of respect for everyone who comes here and pours their heart out, honestly. It isn't easy to be vulnerable, even in a place where you don't really know the people IRL, so it is seemingly anonymous. wink


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903429
09/09/20 07:36 PM
09/09/20 07:36 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
D
DejaVu6 Offline OP
Member
DejaVu6  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
Thanks you two. I am back home on my couch happy that is has a recliner built in. I think this will be my resting place for the next several days. My sister got a look at my tummy this morning (except for where the dressings are) and she thinks it looks fantastic...including my new belly button. So amazing what they can do these days.

RE: TDH and the speed of our relationship. I guess on one hand it is fast given how much we have seen each other physically but the emotional/intellectual part has been developing over a couple months so when we did meet in person, it really did not feel like it was for the first time. IDK...canít really explain it but every communication I have with him just gets better and better and I know his feelings for me are genuine. He texted me at 4 a.m. on Monday (he knows my phone is on silence) that he was thinking about me and when I asked him what he was doing up that late, he said he couldnít sleep cause he was worried about me having surgery.

Anyway...pain pills are kicking in so have to sign off. Will write more later. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

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