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A Message from Michele
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Living in the Light Part III #2902442
08/21/20 08:40 AM
08/21/20 08:40 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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DejaVu6  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
Link to Part II. https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2902334&page=1

Just got back from my time on the mainland. Had a FANTASTIC time. Got to Van and picked up my university bestie. We decided to go to Ikea since I had promised my sister I was going to go for her. TDH and I were going to go because it is close to his house but my friend said she had nothing to do and wouldnít mind going so off we went. I texted TDH that he was ďoff the hookĒ for Ikea and while we were still in the parking lot, he texted to ask if we were still there and that he lived only three kilometres away. So I texted him, ďWhy? You want some company? Ok to meet my bestie?Ē I fully expected him to say no, but to my surprise got an ďabsolutelyĒ back and he texted the address. Bestie, who is one of the most cynical people I know, was super happy cause she loves vetting potential guys for me...lol. We had a couple things to do so an hour later, we got to his place and he invited us in. He was exactly as advertised, Very tall and exactly like his picture. He was super genuine and my bestie, who disliked my ex because she thought he was the opposite of that, grilled him in her usual fashion and after about an hour, offered to get an EVO home so I could avoid having to go over two bridges to get to my friendís place and so TDH and I could spend a bit more time talking. Sheís an awesome wingwoman...lol. After she left, TDH and I spent some time hanging out in his backyard and his curious neighbour peeked over the fence so he introduced me to him and I could tell the neighbour really liked him. We talked a bit about the texting incident. First of all, he apologized profusely for the cancelled weekend and said it took him a long time to text me because he thought I was 100% right and he was really embarrassed and didnít know what to say. We also talked about the middle of the night text when he ďbroke upĒ with me. I told him I didnít think it was his buddies as if it was, they likely would have just tried to get him into trouble by texting me something inappropriate or trying to sext me or something. I told him the person who texted me was trying to get rid of me and I thought it was likely a woman. He looked a bit thoughtful and then he said that he had had a bunch of people over that night and that it could have possibly been Cheryl. I asked who this was and he said it was someone he had briefly dated but that he wasnít feeling it so they had just become friends. He didnít think that she had a thing for him but after I said that, he wasnít sure anymore. Anyway, I told him it would be a good idea for him to get a password on his phone and left it at that.

After I left TDHís, I went to my friendís place and it is fantastic. Me, him and our other two teammates had a great dinner together and then played pool and watched parts of the hockey game. It was so d@mn good to see them. We shared some laughs and some memories and just enjoyed being together again. Weíre planning on doing again next year but this time at my place apparently...lol. Later on, after the two guys had left, me and my friend talked for an hour about his late wife and what a great person she was. She would be so proud of him. Heís working so hard to make their dreams come true. Their 19th anniversary is coming up soon so we talked about that and the grief process.

This morning, he bought me breakfast at a restaurant down the street and we had a great big hug goodbye before I went off to meet another guy friend (met through OLD but was only ever a friend) for coffee. Both of us had had coffee already so we ended up just going for a walk and chatting. Afterward, he headed off to his office and I drove out to TDHís. Today was just a continuation on from yesterday. We hung out, talked more about our kids, childhoods, family, friends, etc... you name it, we talked about it. We played some cards. Took a few walks. I got to seem him interact with people and he was clearly a regular at the butcher shop. He was polite, friendly and genuine with everyone we encountered. Later on, his sister called him and I can only describe their conversation as enthusiastic, good natured and really positive. She put his cousin on the phone and they talked about when they could next get together and go fishing. TDH told him he loved him (TDH lost two other ďbrother-likeĒ cousins about 25 years ago that he still misses immensely) and they hung up. Then about an hour before I had to leave to catch my ferry, who should show up but his mother. Yep...met the mom. She and I had a pleasant chat in the kitchen and when he walked me out to my car, he laughed and said he was probably going to get grilled when he got back inside. He then made me promise to text him when I got to the ferry terminal and him so he knew that I made it home safe.

So...at the end of the day, I am so glad I gave him the benefit of the doubt and went to see him. We hit it off and had a great time doing nothing all day (got my 10,000 steps though) and getting to know each other. I did not sense any hidden agendas or see anything in his house that would be cause for alarm. He is still definitely into me. We did kiss a few times but he didnít try to turn it into anything more than that even though we were alone all day. He told me he is a heart-on-his-sleeve kind of guy and he isnít wrong. I think I have met my match in that department. He doesnít have a filter...just says what he is thinking. He still talks about us like he expects this to be a long term serious thing. Iím fine with it. It doesnít seem like a desperate kind of thing to me... more like him thinking outloud. Anyway...when we said goodbye, we just decided we would give it a shot and see how things go. Weíre going to try to figure out another time to get together soon. Anyway...I caught the last ferry home so it is now 1:30 a.m. and I need to hit the hay. (((HUGS))) to all!!!


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2902443
08/21/20 09:08 AM
08/21/20 09:08 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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DejaVu6  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
DonH... that ďyou deserve what you getĒ comment came across as a bit mean and angry. Hopefully thatís not how you meant it.

Look everyone....I come on here when I am struggling with things and I understand that what comes from that is advice and opinions from anyone on here who reads it and cares enough to post. I always read them, even when I donít agree, and consider what people say. I really do. But at the end of the day, there are a few things that I keep in mind...

1. People on here have all had their own set of unique experiences and it impacts how they view different situations. The advice you give always has your own experiences woven in which may or may not apply to whatever it is I am struggling with.

2. Opinions are only being offered based on what it is I write. As we all know, there are lots of interactions and information we leave out so there is never a full picture.

3. I believe that most people in the world are inherently good...imperfect, but good. I give people the benefit of the doubt BUT it doesnít mean I do it blindly. I have always been that person and yes, it has probably led to me getting burned a few times more than I needed. But Iím okay with it. I refuse to change this part of me.

4. I love you all for your care and concern and I take what you say to heart and I donít forget it. However, at the end of the day, it is my life and I am someone who takes risks... calculated risks but nonetheless, risks. Because I believe that the greatest risks often end up bringing the greatest rewards. This is another part of myself I refuse to change.

Okay...not it is 2 a.m. Definitely going to bed now.


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2902447
08/21/20 01:05 PM
08/21/20 01:05 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,598
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Dawn70 Offline
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Dawn70  Offline
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Posts: 2,598
I'm glad that it all worked out and that you had a great time. I'm glad he met your expectations. I stand by the comments I made in my post, but I'm still glad that it went the way you hoped and expected and I hope it continues in that same vein.

As for your most recent post above, you are absolutely right about all of those things. We all come here to "work through" things and we get advice, some that we agree with and some that we don't. We are all unique individuals who come to the table, so to speak, with different circumstances and different experiences. And, yes, we offer advice and opinions based on one VERY small snippet of the entire picture. It is quite easy to write things here and color them the way we want the advice to slant. I'm not saying that is what you or anyone else is intentionally doing, but when we tell a story, we tend to tell it in its best light.

I don't think anyone comes here to day things in a mean-spirited way or to be ugly. I think it is hard to gauge actual emotion via text and so sometimes things come across as being harsh when they likely weren't intended that way.

You say you are someone who gives the benefit of the doubt, but doesn't do it blindly. I can respect and appreciate that. Years of being jerked around by people has taught me to be the exact opposite, so I admire that ability in others. The one thing you said that I do disagree with is that you said you don't do it blindly. I think we ALL give people the benefit of the doubt blindly to a certain degree. I'm not even necessarily talking about in the case of TDH, but sometimes we give people the benefit of the doubt based on what they say then find out later that what they said wasn't totally truthful. I have done it myself, more times than I care to count. And, I think that blind faith is actually just a part of developing a relationship. You say you are a risk taker and again, I applaud that because it is so opposite from my own experience, but I think you can't be a risk taker without having a certain bit of blind faith in people. All of that is supposed to be a good thing, a positive nod to you and who you are, in case I didn't make that clear. I admire people like you and wish sometimes I could be more like that. And then sometimes, I am happy that I am the skeptic that I am and am quicker to disbelieve someone than believe them. It has saved my a$$ more than once.

Anyway, good for you that you DID have a little blind faith and jumped in with both feet and he turned out to be "as advertised". I'll still say proceed with caution and I'd darn sure watch that Cheryl chick, but have fun.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2902452
08/21/20 03:37 PM
08/21/20 03:37 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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DejaVu6  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
Thanks Dawn. I donít think anyone comes on here to say mean things either which is why I said I hoped that wasnít the intention. Just took me aback a bit.

totally understand the advice given here re; TDH. Honestly, I would have said the same thing if I had read what I wrote on someone elseís thread. However, I just looked back on the last month of conversations and just how sincerely he came across and I just HAD to meet him in person to see for myself. I learned so much about him by doing that and most of what I learned was from observing him in his environment and not anything he said. I definitely did NOT get a player vibe... the opposite in fact. I saw a guy who had been married for 18 years and got cheated on and is now trying to build a life that is not what he thought it was going to be. We talked a bit about our experiences in that regard and how cheating was something neither of us would do. He said he thought that they would just both be committed to working things out no matter what and build a good life for their family. That was my expectation in my marriage too.

In terms of proceeding with caution... thatís just an automatic in our situation. We both are committed to being where our kids are so it will be a LDR for the foreseeable future with some weekends together and lots of talking in between. Iím okay with it. I get to do my thing during the week and keep up my other friendships and have time with him to look forward to. I really am okay on my own from a financial perspective so I donít really need to find someone to cohabitate with. If that happens with him in the future, it is a long way away... long enough that I will definitely know him very well by the time it happens.

I am really excited about how well it went and how much of his real life I got to see. I didnít expect that to be honest. I also didnít expect him to want to meet my friend who, by the way, texted me later that she really liked him and that she thought I should go for it. The two of them did have a great conversation and he didnít flinch when she was her usual direct self and asked him a bunch of pointed questions. He also asked her a bunch of questions which is, I think, in his nature as he does strike me as someone who is interested in other people. HIs phone conversations with his family were also revealing. He has gone through some really tough losses of people early on in his life and I can tell it has impacted him. He really values his family relationships and was told both his sister and cousin that he loved them. I commented on it when he hung up and he just said that he learned early in life how fleeting time can be and that it is important to tell people how you feel about them because you donít know if that is the last time you will talk to them. Kind of explains his lack of a filter when it comes to me. Also why whenever I have told him I am driving somewhere, he always wants me to let him know when I arrive so he knows I made it. Both his dad and one of us cousins were killed in car accidents...the other cousin a helicopter accident (he was the pilot).

Anyway...Iím super happy that we did meet and we are both on the same page in terms of where we see this going. My sister is thrilled. She wants me off the dating sites...lol. Says it is exhausting to go through it with me. As long as she is happy...lol laugh


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2902462
08/21/20 09:35 PM
08/21/20 09:35 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,834
Midwest
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DonH Offline
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DonH  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,834
Midwest
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
DonH... that ďyou deserve what you getĒ comment came across as a bit mean and angry. Hopefully thatís not how you meant it.

I also said "I donít ever want to see anyone get used or hurt" Certainly not trying to be mean. Not really angry - frustrated perhaps? But I stand by it. If it's pretty much unanimous that everyone says, "Don't jump out of that plane without a parachute" yet the person chooses to do just that anyhow, well, then they deserve what they get. I'd never want to see anyone plummet to their death, but it's not like they were not warned. They were told it was a bad idea and still went ahead with it. In my mind, they deserve what they get.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
2. Opinions are only being offered based on what it is I write. As we all know, there are lots of interactions and information we leave out so there is never a full picture..

This is both very accurate and very telling. Most certainly there is no way to provide every single piece of information. That's understood. However, if anyone chooses to tell all the good parts and leave out the bad, well, it's really hard to help anyone then. There is no way we can know everything that is going on, but from what you have told us, you took a huge risk and still are. It may be turning out great, so far. Then again, as you yourself said, we only know the parts you are telling us.

To me something just doesn't seem right about all of this. Just way, way, way too much drama for my tastes before really even getting anywhere. Planning a future or talking about it and doing the things that has been done screams of some of the 90-Day Fiance shows I've seen. As I've said, from my view, much of it reads like high school or college antics - and that's coming from a guy in his 50s who very admittedly rarely acts his age.

As for the whole "Benefit of the doubt" thing. I know I've spoken about this in the past. There was a book written around this very topic that was on the NY Times Best Seller list when it came out some 7 or 8 years ago. The assertion was that to give anyone the benefit of the doubt is crazy. It's an outdated model that may have worked 50 plus years ago but just doesn't work today - especially in the past few years. Instead what you do is watch carefully. See if words match actions. Collect a lot of data and then make an informed decision. No one is owed the benefit of the doubt. That is something that is earned. There is just something really odd going on here - if even he needs to get some new friends. If drunken buddies of mine did what he is claiming these guys did, they would no longer be buddies of mine. Again, it would be rare they would even be my friends in the first place as I chose very carefully there as well. Again, it's maybe something your college buddies might do - and then totally apologize for. It's just odd. His actions are odd. Your response was at least a bit over the top. From my view I can't help but think, wow, if drama like this is going on in the first weeks, what in the heck will happen in the ensuing months and perhaps years? It's amazing how if we watch closely, we will see that the behaviors we observe right out of the gate, are often what we see down the road. People will very often reveal who they are early on - if only we'll listen. Instead, we give them "the benefit of the doubt" for actions we know from the get go are sketchy.

I of course hope this all works out for you. Just because it's not for me or KML or Dawn doesn't mean it's not for you or may not work out for you. The risk is just too high from what I see and if this plays out and you tell us honestly what happens, I'll be shocked if what happened a week or two ago is not repeated before very long - or more info is not learned.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
My sister is thrilled. She wants me off the dating sites...lol. Says it is exhausting to go through it with me. As long as she is happy...lol laugh

Very interesting statement. Likely more evidence of patterns and trends of the types of guys you fall for? Hopefully you'll watch closely and collect data. It's already been a wild ride and you're only one meeting in.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2902464
08/21/20 10:17 PM
08/21/20 10:17 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,283
G
Ginger1 Online
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Ginger1  Online
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,283
Iím glad he met your expectations. Something remains fishy to me too, but I guess time will tell and I hope I am wrong. I really do.

You met once and have been talking a month and are already talking committed LTR. Iíd tread very lightly woth that one. But hey, maybe thatís been my problem all along. Treading lightly . I guess Iíve been so exposed to the realities that I couldnít see or think, or trust relationships woth someone I just met. Or I couldnít trust someone who wanted that without REALLY knowing me.

Maybe itís good that you still have some rosy glasses on. I miss mine sometimes, lol.

Just be careful. Please. First it was his drunk friends. Then an ex GF heís hanging out with texting from his phone what he did ...... all sounds really fishy and very high risk.

But I know you are diving in head first. And Iím going to wish you all the best

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2902471
08/22/20 01:13 AM
08/22/20 01:13 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,849
Massachusetts
B
bttrfly Offline
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bttrfly  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,849
Massachusetts
I'm glad you first met him with your BFF. Good to get a second opinion.
I'm more cautious, so that's my filter. And since learning some truths about my marriage last weekend, I can also say that I'm pretty traumatized and raw right now. Again, another filter.
I hope you know I only want you to be both safe and happy.

xoxo


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2902473
08/22/20 01:57 AM
08/22/20 01:57 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
K
kml Online
Member
kml  Online
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K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
Pros:
You met his mom
Your BF met him
He didnít appear to be different than advertised
He loves his family
Attraction is there

Cons:
You went to him. Remains to be seen if heís willing to step up to the plate. Make him make the trip next time.
Old girlfriend story still sounds fishy.
Just because you met mom donít read too much into it. Mr Big Lotsí mom loved me but that didnít make him and less of a flaky Love Avoidant. She was just hoping I would rescue her son.
Still too much talk of a future for such an early relationship.

Enjoy but DONT turn off your radar! And make him come to you next time - let him show you whether heís going to put an equal amount of effort into this. Donít do all the work.

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2902478
08/22/20 10:44 AM
08/22/20 10:44 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,849
Massachusetts
B
bttrfly Offline
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bttrfly  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,849
Massachusetts
DV, how long ago was his BD/divorce? just trying to get a timeline, which might answer some questions.


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2902490
08/22/20 04:05 PM
08/22/20 04:05 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
D
DejaVu6 Offline OP
Member
DejaVu6  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
Thanks everyone. Iím not going all in just yet. Happy with what Iíve seen so far but not fully convinced this will work yet. Time will tell. Not getting married again or giving him my banking info...lol. Keeping my heart a bit more protected until we have some time and experience.

Buttrfly... I asked him how long he has been divorced and he said three years. Not sure if he meant that is when he found out about her cheating or if that is when the actual divorce was final. Sorry to hear you are feeling raw right now. frown


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

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