You are bringing up a strong point about H trusting me with the finances. This was always how our marriage was, he would bring home his pay and I would pay our bills.
He obviously hid funds from me, but until this period, we have always had what was needed to pay any bills. I mean it wasn’t a lot of extra but we paid our bills.
As a logical person (I know he has none now) if I was planning on leaving, I would not want to trust him with the money. Last summer when he was “engaged” to OW1, I took all the funds out of our savings and put it in my name only. I pull from there as needed, but I do not need the surprise that the money is gone when I need it. I left a tiny balance of a few hundred dollars in the joint account, but here we are a year later and if he has gone to the joint account and seen it is almost empty, he has not said anything so I think he hasn’t.
So either that is him thinking he can just have his bonuses and leave the rest to the home accounts, but again, as much as I appreciate that it is still the status quo shows me that he is partially in two worlds and isn’t all the way in with his extra life. I don’t know why that is, it just is. We all know it can change, but it is confusing.
I dont often venture to mlc board, however i can tell you what happened with our finance.
March-july- h just transferred his wages to me. August, only to cover all the bills and spent over a 1.5 k in a month on entertaining ow from our joint account. My point is as things move forward or back and forth things will change. In the end i was pleased tha we Separated our finance and Its for the best for both him and me tbh. I would t trust him with anything if in honest, as he will change his mind constantly. At the moment, h pays mortgage and bills, the rest is his, i pay food and kids stuff. He doesnt live at the house, in fact i have no idea where he lives.
In terms of large purchases, since march we have bought a trampoline for the garden, new furniture for my sons room and he suggested just yesterday getting a table for s6. So noone really knows whats going through his head!
No way would I be getting a second on the house to fund his irresponsible behavior with money while he’s threatening divorce!!!
Why was there such a large tax bill? Is he self employed and not making the correct quarterly estimated payments? What did he spend the bonus on? What’s he been spending the credit cards on?
This degree of financial dysfunction usually suggests one of a few things: 1) Living beyond your means. (Some men hide this by building up credit card debt while maintaining the illusion that he’s bringing in enough income) 2) Spending on addictions like drugs, gambling, porn, or mistresses. Too many here have discovered too late that a large chunk of income was going to these things.
I suggest you make the financial choices that are best for you if you divorce. That may or may not happen but you need to protect yourself if it does. Try to find some way to begin paying the taxes without refinancing the house if you can. Take over the finances or at least insist on sitting down for a monthly budget meeting. You can present it as necessary to clean up the tax debt before you can afford to divorce. Discuss anyplace you can tighten the budget.
Can either of you pick up a small side hustle to bring in more money? Short-term pain to pay down the tax debt could pay off big time in the future. (Don’t start paying down his credit cards until you find out how much you are responsible for).
I think the money was spent on women and gambling. But mostly his racing hobby.
I was aware of some money going to racing, but as of last year when he was out of the country he did not and has not raced this specific car.
Regardless, I think he is mirroring what his dad did, he worked and that money went to the family. He got a second profitable job and that went to him and his hobbies. Needless to say H’s parents are now divorced.
I know it bothered H that his dad did that, but here he is doing the same. He did not have enough taxes taken out so we owe.
It’s just a mess, our marriage, our finances, everything.
You said you wouldn’t get a second when he is threatening divorce, and there we are. Is he going to follow through? Is he going to come back to the marriage? I have to go on that I am standing but this may not be the outcome I want.
I think I will sit with this information a bit. Next week, I will let him know we do not qualify because of his credit. Let’s see if he has a plan B. I would suggest he sell some racing equipment but we all know a mlcer won’t want that. Or maybe he will, I can suggest selling so we can pay off taxes and his bills then He can move out. Boy, that would probably confuse him.
I was going to suggest selling some of his stuff. Great minds think a like... Lol
I am guessing you previously have filed taxes jointly and therefore feel this non-remittance of income tax is a joint bill. That probably is legally true, since you are still together. However, the income was his, and the shortage was due to not enough being withdrawn at source. He spent it. He needs to find a way to cover it.
From what you’ve said, it sound like a smaller amount. You seem confident that a loan would be paid off in 6 to 12 months. For such an amount, leave the mortgage as is.
With H’s poor credit rating, a joint loan may not be an option. A loan in just H’s name is definitely not going to happen by the sounds of things. And a personal loan in just your name is not desirable. Your house mortgage is already an arrangement and probably could be modified, but this is not desired. Short term lending institutions are available and charge enormous interest, again not desirable.
Tightening discretionary expenses and then liquidating some of H’s hobby equipment looks to be the best of the available choices. Selling that to H might be difficult. However, don’t sink your ship before you even put it in the water. How one approaches something does affect its outcome. When reasonably discussing presenting this to H, have no expectations of him not going along with this plan. This is where we are, and this is what we need to do - is what you present. H has a bit of faith in your financial abilities, showcase them that way.
Btw, notice you are presenting this, not discussing it. MLCers are moody entitled teenagers, treat them that way when you need something done. And it is presenting, not telling or directing either.
Originally Posted by PLC
It’s just a mess, our marriage, our finances, everything.
You said you wouldn’t get a second when he is threatening divorce, and there we are. Is he going to follow through? Is he going to come back to the marriage? I have to go on that I am standing but this may not be the outcome I want.
MLC is a mess.
Keep the business side separate from the emotional, healing, standing side. I know they get tangled at times, don’t let one bleed into the other and stain your emotions. Finances and business is the realm of intellect, do what you need to do.
As I said, you’re levelheaded. You’ll do fine.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I still today have so much anger. I don’t know if it was the money that tipped me over, or if it is just time, (16 months) or if I am just ready to drop the rope whole heartedly.
I realize it felt so good to tell someone of H’s goal for a D, although I was met with a “I am so sorry you are dealing with things” that made me sad for a moment, but more of feeling of extreme anger. I am considering telling others. I don’t feel like crying, I feel more anger at how this 57 yo man would blow up his and our lives.
This weekend, I GALed as best I could with smoke air and Covid restrictions. I don’t know what he did or where he is right now. Our D25 and I ordered dinner and we didn’t even ask if he wanted any, I didn’t feel awkward not asking either.
I have some consultations this week to see what I am liable for and H and I will have a discussion. My heart wants to stand, but right now as he is in the middle of this second OW I am just running out of steam and THAT is what makes me sad.
This is huge. For 16 months I have chosen to keep them in the dark. Quarantine rules have made it easy for us to avoid them and he chose to spend Christmas and a family birthday as a “normal” routine event.
I feel that his behavior on social media may cause someone I care about to see him and I don’t want them to worry about me.
I am thinking of texting and just telling the facts:
H said he doesn’t want to be married, I believe this is MLC and at this time I would like to work it through. I am willing to wait a while. This has not been a short situation, it has been going on over a year. I do not want to speak about it. I will let you know when I do. Please do not confront him.
I know my family loves me and H and I know this will upset them, I just am not prepared to speak about it. (Look, it took me this long just to tell the accountant!) I know they will be concerned, but I am the type of person that can not handle people being sad, especially for me.
Anyway, if you have any comments please let me know.
Your anger is a stage of grief. Like you said, you’re not sad – you’re mad!
I get it. A 57 year old man went and unilaterally decided to blow up, not just his life, but yours too. There is plenty of collateral damage when bomb drop happens.
Feeling are fleeting. Your anger is real. It is normal. It is proper. It is justified. And it is temporary!!!
Let your emotions wash over you.
You need to work through this anger and release it. Safely. And not at H; you have worked hard and accomplished much, don’t want to undo things.
Sweating the anger out is a good way. A brisk walk, yard work, get a punching bag, go to the gym, and so on.
Yes, anger does push us. Do not make decisions based upon emotions – especially temporary anger. Use your anger to propel you towards something, like cleaning the garage or digging the garden, something not involving H.
This lets your subconscious mind work through this, and not reinforce your emotions. It happens best, when you aren’t actually consciously working at it. Like how answers present themselves when you are at peace. It does happen, and I know it doesn’t feel that way, which is kind of the point. Such is the counterintuitive journey.
Now, telling others about your situation is separate from your anger. You are tying the two together, and they need not be. And shouldn’t be.
Do not send a text! If/when you are going to tell them, use the phone. You say, and I can see, that right now you do not want to talk about it with them – so don’t. If they find something on social media, deal with it then. You don’t need to borrow trouble.
You will know when you are ready to talk about this. I suspect it will be sooner than you realize. This anger is a step towards acceptance, emotional understanding. Have faith, this is a good and healthy thing. (((PLC)))
Get in your intellectual “car” and think about what you would tell your family. What you want them to know. What support you would like from them. And so on. Think and proact, not feel and react.
Take some time to work through the anger; it will take as long as it takes. Realize its part of your healing. It’s healthy. It’s ok.
Share and vent here. You are among friends who understand.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you. I wrote a text to send and then couldn’t. I looked here and see your response. It is like how in therapy, they say write everything down to release it. I realize I was wanting to tell family out of anger toward H. This definitely is not ideal.
I will save the contents of the message and use a variation when I speak with them.
I am doing some indoor cycling after work when I get home. I always work up a sweat when I do.
I know I mentioned last night and not asking if he wanted any dinner that D and I were getting. When he came home from idk, I was in my room with the door closed. He went into his room and left the door open for a long time (usually shut right away). I never engaged.
This is different, this anger. I thought I was mad, before. Now I realize it was only a taste. As he is in full blown mlc, I am full blown angry. It feels good. I will not take it out on him, but NC is ok, and I am embracing it.
Here's the problem - if you tell them and then you reconcile, they will never forget it. You might forgive him but they won't.
I would suggest you only tell them if A) he's moving out, B) they see something online and come to you, C) you are ready to divorce or D) you need the support of having someone in your family to talk to.
My ex cheated on me and I DB'd our way through that episode - I didn't tell my family because I KNEW my mom wouldn't ever forgive him. We had several more good years until he finally went off in a blaze of midlife crisis when he turned 50 - and no, my mom never forgave him that. She was madder even than I was. After all, he had wounded HER child and grandchildren and you know how mama bears are!
You don't have to lie if someone asks you (and I wouldn't). You don't have to ask your daughter to lie. But I wouldn't proactively share unless you feel you need their support.
Lol