Your H's expressed Love Language is clearly Acts of Service. It's my belief that people who DO acts of service do them because the love language they want to RECEIVE is Words of Affirmation. Try responding to such acts with praise - don't be afraid to overdo it. "Gee, thank you SO much for washing my car. It's so nice to drive a clean car. You do such a nice job."
If you haven't read The Five Love Languages by Chapman you should. It can be hard to use the love languages when you're trying to be low contact, but there are ways.
KML, thank you. I do want to acknowledge any little act, but I don’t want to be chatty.
I will look up that book. It might help here. You can understand where I am coming from, it is such a delicate balance.
Interestingly, when I got home just now, I did my usual things when I come home, I went to go to take off my shoes and I realized the door he always has shut was open. Surprisingly he was in there. I began to talk then his phone rang, so I just left. I’m not hanging around to see if he will talk.
Update and boy, it shows the way they can change on a dime in MLC.
H and I have a large tax bill. We do not have the money because he spent all of his bonuses without me knowing.
At the beginning of the year, I went to speak with him and suggested that bonuses are given to the “house, with 50% set aside for taxes, 25% to the house towards other bills and the balance for him to do whatever he wanted. I offered that because I know deep down he resents earning bonuses and having to give share them when I am able to get the paycheck and pay all bills. Coincidentally or not, the bonuses began at the beginning of the MLC period, and my IC thinks that along with whatever other things threw him into MLC that he came to a realization that money cannot make you happy.
So anyway, today I approach and ask, do you have any money for the taxes? I was met with “no why would I?” On the second bomb drop he mentioned he had a good sized bonus and he would give it directly to bring down our bill. So I went into his work portal and checked, and yep, about three weeks after his D talk he got that bonus. I know it’s gone.
So I was so angry, I went and knocked on the door and went in and said, “well, we have to pay something, this is all I have saved, but we have property taxes and other bills like car insurance. So it will take years to pay, plus next year is coming and we will owe this years.
He suggested us taking second. We have plenty of equity. He said, “I thought that’s what you were going to do” I said, “that’s was a worst case scenario of you don’t get bonuses, but I can look into it tomorrow. I suggest we pay everything off so all there is is car, house and utilities.”
THEN FRIENDS, LISTEN TO THIS: he said, “from now on I’ll just give you the checks right away.” Liar I responded, do you remember earlier this year, we had this conversation about bonuses? AND HE HAD THE GALL TO SAY, “YES, I REMEMBER I DON’T FORGET ANYTHING. HAHAHA (well, he forgot his vows??)
So, I am not going to push a fight, so I just said, there are things that need to be done here on the house, it would be helpful to have some cash. So I mentioned, I’ll look at loans and he said, “just get a loan that won’t mess everything up on the house.”
It was a weird feeling, we do not fight, I know he lies, but I didn’t get the distinct feeling he was thinking of leaving anytime soon. I was on the edge of saying, I don’t want to have a huge mortgage so we need to discuss further. I will look I to loans, I did ask him if he wanted a second or a refi and he asked for whatever is better for the house. So we will see.
Anyway, any comments about what was good or bad, please let me know. I value all of your input. On long nights with basic NC, this board is so lifesaving.
Spoke to some loan companies, found out that H has a horrible credit score and he has more credit cards than I thought. Made me mad.
Spoke to the accountant. Expressed H has a desire to D. Accountant was shocked and I was mad more then upset telling someone. This surprised me. I have kept this private, so this big step was mostly me telling the accountant how H messed everything up. The accountant also had some friends that dealt with money issues, probably MLC too.
Came home and heard H screaming at someone on the phone, I don’t know what that is about but it’s not me.
Later, D was in speaking with him and I heard her tell him thanks. So I asked what she thanked him for and she said he is buying a trifold mattress because the couch is hurting her back. She originally asked him to switch off between the bedroom and the couch once a month and he said no,so she told him he needed to buy her a bed. (Good for her)
Logically, I would think he would say, “I’m not buying anything, I’m leaving soon so it won’t matter.” This again reinforces MLC with no real plans.
I am in California and the smoke is super bad so this weekend, I am going to go through cabinets and pull out what I don’t want. D can have stuff or I will donate.
You are so right. MLCers can change direction in an instant. The way they ping pong about is enough to give one whiplash trying to follow them.
It’s not unusual for MLCers to spend money. Some burn through it at an alarming rate. It sounds like H’s new credit cards would be just in his name. As suggested, ensure those are clearly his debt, and not marital debt.
H’s forceful assertion that he remembers about the bonuses, is rather telling that he did forget. Emotionally immature crisis people tend to lash out and blame instead of owning their follies.
There is also some truth in “I don’t forget anything”. Well truth, from his skewed perspective. If one forgets, then one cannot know they forgot, therefore they feel they don’t forget. And, of course, we all know how well MLCer’s face reality. Even the truth about a conversation of bonuses can be ignored. They are that good at rewriting their narrative. Seriously, you couldn’t explain that the sky is blue if H feels it is red. Also, MLCers lie, and manipulate. And they have the attention span and memory of a gnat.
Somewhere within all of that ^^^ is what actually happened. However, you are where you are facing taxes, property tax, car insurance, and so on. It looks like a loan of some type is going to be required to ride this one out.
MLCers are terrible with money. His choice to spend the bonus elsewhere was not discussed and of course you are mad.
Good for you realizing you got madder from actually telling someone (IRL) about H. That is a big step. We do keep this private for a while. It depends on each situation, unfolding events, and the person/people involved for how long this remains held in; eventually it does come out.
That telling is an acknowledgment of the loss. It makes it more emotionally real for you. It’s a step closer to acceptance. And it is a step of grief, specifically anger.
Your feelings are healthy and normal. We all need to get stuff off our chest to move forward. Do remember, feeling are fleeting, let the anger wash over you. It will take what time it takes; it is only temporary.
I think you did fine with you conversation with H. However, you later found out he has more credit cards and a horrible credit score. What do you think you are going to do with that knowledge. Tell him, confront, ignore? My immediate suggestion is to wait. Let your feeling subside a bit. You have bills that require paying, and nothing you do with H is going to matter; the money is gone. Look after this immediate concern and then look at what to do regarding finances and H.
Perhaps you need to transfer out his portion from the account into a separate account he does not have access to. He did say after all that he would just give you the checks right away. Leave him his portion and ensure the household can run properly. If he pushes against something like ensuring household expenditure are covered first, then more legally enforceable options may have to be implemented.
In his world he is a teenager and would use up all equity without really understanding it needs to be paid back. You don’t want to get into the hole. Financial security and protection are important. Luckily, you are a levelheaded gal, who will have no problem securing her future.
Originally Posted by PLC
It was a weird feeling, we do not fight, I know he lies, but I didn’t get the distinct feeling he was thinking of leaving anytime soon. I was on the edge of saying, I don’t want to have a huge mortgage so we need to discuss further. I will look I to loans, I did ask him if he wanted a second or a refi and he asked for whatever is better for the house. So we will see.
You do know H pretty well, even alien H you know albeit to a much lesser degree. It’s ok to reservedly trust your feelings that he is not leaving anytime soon. I suspect you would feel much different if he was more on the cusp of leaving. That being said, do not make important decisions based on feelings, these MLCers can change on a dime. This is more for day to day life, and remaining calm and free of worry about walking on eggshells.
It does appear that H is not wanting to be involved with, or upset about you looking after, the finances. He extends trust to your judgement of what to do, to choose which ever option is better. I find that interesting. Too early to tell what it means, still interesting nonetheless.
Continue forward girl. You are doing well.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I was just signing on here to say I feel out of sorts after him being helpful last weekend and KNOWING I should not focus on him, and just take care of me.
Of course, this morning and the last couple of days he has been avoidant and I don’t know why I let it bother me. This morning, as I was leaving the house for groceries, he was getting picked up by his friend. I don’t know if the friend saw me, but of course H did not look my way as they drove off.
This being Saturday morning, I have a whole weekend ahead that I need to be busy. Dnj, I will reread your advice a few times. I need some counterpoint to my thoughts.
Another thing with your questions of what I am going to do with the knowledge of the awful credit and extra cards (all in his name). I have the same concerns of marital debt vs. his debt and paying the monkey to be off my back with IRS and other taxes.
We cannot qualify for a loan unless his bills get paid with the loan. So, that is my conundrum. This is where I need to speak with an atty. At BD2 remember he said he wants to keep me in the house and how much do I need monthly. Well, if we refi, a portion of that loan is his. Plus what guarantee do I have with an MLCer that he won’t touch the cards?
One thing that I KNOW he has not thought of, him buying a condo will not happen with his credit. I feel like a mom telling him, H if we get this loan we are paying off your debt. I need to know I can trust (HA!) you to not acquire anymore and after six months to a year, credit will be better. I also want in writing that $XX was paid off from the loan and that that will play into any D agreement about my due funds.
I know if I am talking about that I am bringing up R talk and I don’t want to do that either. SOS
