I am currently experiencing total ignoring from H. Remember, he still lives here.
This has been a couple of weeks, but for whatever reason last night and this morning, I just feel defeated. Sunday, my D and I left to just get out of the house. When she went into her room to get some clothes to change into, i heard him ask where we were going. We were gone about five hours. We had a nice time. As far as I can tell, he did not leave the room for anything. I mean, he had the whole house to stretch out in, and he chose to stay in a bedroom. My IC said that is because he isn't "in the room, he is in fantasy land" I understand that, but it is still hard.
On Saturday, D was out and I was relaxing outside. He came and asked me how to use the new piece of exercise eqt. I got up and showed him. While "exercising", he was taking photos and at the end, when he asked how to turn it off, he was posting to his FB account.
I realize this is very juvenile behavior. He only asked me because D was out. I get that. I need to remember what IC told me, that he did this before with OW1. I just hate the rollercoaster.
I am working from home, so I am fitting household chores in as well. His laundry is still in the hamper, this has been almost a month. I will not do it. He can ship it to OW2 and have her do it for him. He fully knows how to do it, this is a battle of wills. "LIKE A TEENAGER"
I still love this man and I hope for a reconcilation. Every day, I continue to gal, (I mean he makes it easy, since he ignores me) I know that time is a gift and I need to use it wisely.
Well with the long weekend upon us, I foresee a lot of GALing at home. The beaches here were closed Memorial Day and the 4th so, I predict, along with the heatwave, beaches will crowded.
IDK if H will be around or not, I am really trying to push him from my thoughts. It is not beneficial to me.
I still wonder if this is a futile effort, but I am not giving up today.
I still wonder if this is a futile effort, but I am not giving up today.
These days will happen. When you are done with the effort - you will know. It won't be something that you work at - there will just be peace around it.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Does anyone ever feel this is a futile effort? I am currently experiencing total ignoring from H. Remember, he still lives here.
Hi PLC,
Sadly, oh yes....probably too often. I have been ignored now for probably close to a month and a half straight except for the 3 times he decided to loose his mind on me. The ignoring while in the same house used to make me feel sick to my stomach but now I’m doing a much better job (most days) of embracing the full me time and not getting into any conversations with him that will derail every time anyway.
I find for me keeping busy at home or going out keep me sane....so basically GAL as much as I can...as you know.
Originally Posted by PLC
I still love this man and I hope for a reconcilation. Every day, I continue to gal, (I mean he makes it easy, since he ignores me) I know that time is a gift and I need to use it wisely.
Today, I just feel dumb.
PLC
I feel the same way, but some days he/reconciling feels soooo far away. This is something I continue to work on. Getting frustrated with myself, or feeling dumb for knowing the answers but needing to hear it anyway, showing emotion, going over the same thing again and again... I’m trying to stop judging myself and how I feel, or even what I need at certain times. We’ve been blindsided and there is no handbook on this. I’m making a pact to let myself feel what I feel and move on...move on for me right now.
A big help for me finding a little peace of mind was realizing that I don’t have to act on things right away, I don’t have to adhere to his timeline and there’s “future” stuff I don’t need the answer to right now. I can just let things be. This allows me to not run around in my head or in reality out of fear.
Let feelings of defeat wash over you and realize, as awful as it feels, that right now you and H aren’t even playing in the same game. (((PLC)))
It’s interesting, with D permanently home (until she gets a full time job, at least) if I run and errand or go anywhere, she tags along as there isn’t a lot to do. When H is home, he asks her where we are going. I find this ironic since he leaves and 9 times out of 10 he doesn’t say a word about where he’s goinyg and when he will be back. So he is ignoring me and mostly her too, but when he’s home and we leave, he wants to know. So weird.
I have (except for that last observation) really tried to not think about what and why he does stuff. This 999th weekend of pandemic will find me finally able to get hair cut and colored and some movies on Netflix, exercise and bbq. If he’s home, whatever. I don’t know if he notices, but I notice I’m taking care of me. That’s all that matters.
Kindly, you are so right, we are not in the same game. This is a competitive game of solitaire!
I understand what you are saying, and you are right. Sometimes GAL is an effort.
So this weekend he surprised me by fixing a toilet that had been running, buying and installing a new shower head and cleaning our porch. I know better than to wonder why, but it did throw me for a loop. Today was my IC appt (by phone) and she echoed the rule of not getting distracted by his behavior. (She really is helpful) I realized, last week and the few weeks leading up to this, he has been ignoring me so much, you can read it in my previous threads. I began being short and ignoring him and leaving at weird times just to get out,
This behavior could be a check to see how I react. All I did was say thanks for the shower head. It’s interesting, to see what we discuss here and what we read to see it happen, even in just a small way.
I am continuing my stuff, because honestly, I’m getting tired of his shenanigans. I guess the rope is dropping a little more, because as much as I want my H, I have plans that I am making regardless of he is there or not,
I am still scared for what the future holds, but I am excited too.
My goodness it sure is dark at this time now. 6:20am and it’s completely black outside.
Interesting H fixing the toilet, installing a shower head, and cleaning the porch. It could be a check of your reaction, or a display of acts of service, or whatever. He did it because he felt like it. Why? Hard to say, and he might not even know.
Your acknowledgment and affirmation of his actions and efforts was good. Thanking him was perfect.
Is H still joining you for meals sometimes or more back to hiding in his room again? (Just wondering if he still can work the door. )
Continue to let go of the rope. It’s nice to see you removing your focus from his tiresome shenanigans.
Originally Posted by PLC
I am still scared for what the future holds, but I am excited too.
Excellent!
Wonderful to be excited for one’s future. Way better than dreading it.
Being a bit scared or worried is fine. I bet you are a lot less scared than a few months ago. A lot less paralyzed, I can see that in your posts - making plans regardless if H is there or not. Good job.
Have a great day PLC.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Funny you that it was dark this am later than it has been. I noticed it too. Fall is on the way.
H is not eating with us. For Labor Day I made burgers. He came in as we sat down to eat. I mentioned burgers and he said he’d have a microwave burrito. I said, “are you sure? Burgers are ready.” He ate one. But not with us. He took the paper towel with the messy burger into the room. (Yes, he does not use dishes)
I will say, before BD2 he would head out on the weekend and bring home donuts or sandwiches. He had not done this since BD2 and on Friday evening when he kept on popping up when D25 and I were speaking about plans saying “what?” I had a feeling he would get them on Saturday, he did.
Last night, he came in from somewhere and I asked if he would get gas for me sometime this week as when I went to get gas at Costco the lines were PACKED. He said he could go then and left and did it. When he came back, I just thanked him.
This morning I checked FB and OW2 changed her profile picture and he already responded with proclamations of love that was reciprocated in kind.
I feel that I have reached out very minimally and I need to stop that now for a bit. It has been five weeks since he asked for a divorce. This is the first bit of action, towards me since then. So whatever he was dealing with he guessed it was ok to acknowledge me. I do not want to get to the point where I expect it like I did before BD2. It was really hard when the second one happened, because I got comfortable.
The rope needs to continue to drop. It’s interesting, I know what I am looking for. Seeing his reactions this weekend has made him a science experiment of sorts. I will continue to GAL. I will tell you later what my IC said. Very interesting, it I have to get to work!
This is what my therapist said as I was lamenting that I was getting tired of this yet I want to stand:
She said that I need to get out and make plans (GAL) otherwise, regardless of if I want to stand or not, I will get tired of standing because I will be bored if I am doing nothing that is stimulating for me. It makes so much sense as as I mentioned in my post that I have plans I want to make happen. By looking forward, it is helpful to have a focus on them other than what he is or is not doing.
Anyway, I thought it was interesting, AND I noticed when I went to go to work this morning, he washed my car last night when he got gas. A nice gesture, but the car was covered in ash already.
)