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unchien #2902091 08/15/20 01:37 PM
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Core. You definitely have reasons to be angry with your W. It s*cks beyond belief to have someone unilaterally decide to dismantle your marriage and family life based on feelings. Believe me...I know what that is like...as does everyone else on here. But for your sake and the sake of your kids, you need to find a way to let it go and move forward. And forgiveness is a BIG part of that, IMO. Not just forgiveness for your W but, equally as important, forgiveness for yourself. I struggled with both of those things for a long time. Had many stops and starts. Times when I thought I had made it but then something would happen, and I’d be back in the anger again and dealing with all of the hurt feelings behind it. It was a process but one that I was determined to get through so I just kept working on it. It’s been almost three years since BD and I’m happy to say that I am finally there. I can see and communicate with my ex without it affecting my day and we are co-parenting well. He is engaged to OW and I am okay with it. Our kids are good. Do they wish mom and dad had figured things out and they only had one house and one family? For sure but they have adjusted and are doing really, really well. And so am I. You can get there too and when you do, it will be such a relief. You will see things in a whole new way and you will look back and wonder why it took you so long to get there. Stay the course and you will get there... and it will be so worth it. (((HUGS)))

This is very encouraging to read. The forgiveness, hearing the kids are ok and hearing youre ok. Three years for forgiveness, shoot I'm not even at one. I can see how hard it must've been in your sitch and three years may be quick, considering the circumstances.

Originally Posted by Mumin

Throw all you guilt out the window! You never wanted this and you have NOT created this sitch.
You have done more then enought to be able to say that you did waht you could to save the marriage!
I think later on you will be happy you were the one to file. It is the ultimate way of putting you foot down. I was a bit fast to D but like other have said, it does not prevent R. Today I am actually really happy I was the one to do it.

Hi Mumin, I see why you feel youre glad you filed. When I read that, I see Im the same way. Glad I made a choice for myself to not allow this limbo and neglect continue. I hear you on why I shouldnt have guilt. The things W has been saying quite a bit the last few days and as much as I dont believe all of it, I believe some. For example, there are some things she tried to have us do while she was beginning walkaway mode. There things I said that were miscommunicated, etc. The parts that I know are truth bring me back to the uneeded thoughts most of us have early in sitches like...."what could I have done differently".


Originally Posted by Mumin

Not sure you mean "forever" here but this is actually wrong. So long as you remain their rock (see below) their future will most probably be MORE stable because of this. Not the other way around.

Good point, I can create the stability I seek and hold that down for the kids.

Originally Posted by Mumin

I understand what you are saying about forgiveness. Maybe you don’t have to use that word for it. Personally I am not sure I will ever forgive the actions of my WW. For me its more about letting go and accepting things that have happend.
What my W did is always going to WRONG and not acceptable in my book. So like IW said I will never say it to her face but I will accept the fact that all this happened and let it go. Otherwise I will be angry about what she did for the rest of my life. If that is called forgiveness, so be it. But I need it to be able to move on completely, and so do you.
If not for you, do it for you kids!


I do have to say the anger is good in a way. Gave me the energy to turn things around. I have stopped harboring hate...maybe I am moving towards forgiveness.

Originally Posted by IronWill

My point was that you can start working on forgiveness. Its going to take a while to get fully there. No time like the present though smile

Do you think understanding why she did what she did will bring her back? Will it solve the puzzle? Will it give you peace of mind?


I've heard of people who have forgiven those who have murdered their own kids so I know I can forgive W for murdering our marriage in due time. I think whats needed is time and space. As were talking logistics, we side step here and there in to the relationship and well, I get lied to, see manipulation again. The things I'm working to forgive.

Do I think understanding will bring her back, no. Understanding is to give me a little peace. I see that I want less of the responsibility on my shoulders. Understanding would help me from repeating the mistakes. I dont think anything can bring her back. Not the version of her I married. The kids are the only glue left. My attachment to her now is limited. Alot of it is because many days, especially slow work days, shes the only adult I can talk to.

Originally Posted by unchien

One thing that helped me a lot was focus on the present. Forget about the future -- whether or not you seek a LTR, whether or not you forgive your W. Those things may come in due time, if you give yourself space to breathe.

You'll never know the Why. I guarantee you. It's not worth chasing.

Spot on, all points U. I've gone back to forward thinking and its full of turmoil whereas the present is actually content. On the why, I understand why I'll never know...because W and all her thoughts and feelings are run on emotion which is always changing. I doubt she knows the why herself, just what she feels at any given time is the why. Its changed so many times since she asked for D and some of the former reasons are no longer reasons.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2902234 08/18/20 06:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Core
This is very encouraging to read. The forgiveness, hearing the kids are ok and hearing youre ok. Three years for forgiveness, shoot I'm not even at one. I can see how hard it must've been in your sitch and three years may be quick, considering the circumstances.


DV and I joined the community about the same time and I can tell you that she went through hell and back and then hell and back again. And then one day the tone of her posts changed. Her exH finally came clean(ish) and as painful as it was, (I think) it was the final push she needed. She stopped being angry about all the lies he'd told her in the past (they didn't matter anymore) and she stopped grieving the future he'd taken away from her (that future was gone, she was going to build a new one).

We don't all get that closure moment. For me, it's been a gradual shifting of the sands. But I am nearly there.

They say here that there is no timeline. It takes as long as it takes, it goes back and forth and one day you will realise the shift has happened. It might be meeting someone fantastic, it might be they do something and it becomes a final straw moment or it might just be witnessing a fantastic sunrise. Just live your life the best you can and the mental shift will happen in the background. You will know because you will read back through your posts and they will be less about her and more about you.

Originally Posted by Core
I hear you on why I shouldnt have guilt. The things W has been saying quite a bit the last few days and as much as I dont believe all of it, I believe some.


Ah, the f**kg guilt. Yes. They throw it at us like this is something we created rather than something we are reacting to. I am lucky (I guess), our communication is so poor that there is no opportunity to project guilt on to me smile.

Here's the thing, you ARE responsible for some of the faults in your M. That does not make you a monster. It makes you human.

But it is too late for "should haves and could haves and would haves". It is time to accept that those things happened, accept your part in it and use that information to make you a better man. Oh, and somewhere in there, you need to forgive yourself.

Re the divorce. Think of it as admin. Mechanics that you have to do, like taxes. Put the required paperwork together, start from a reasonable position and respond to queries, but otherwise leave it to the side. Things will get tough. Find things that ground you (meditate, church, long walks, running - whatever gives you the space to process and provide you with the quiet in order to listen to your better angels).

FS


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

Core #2902264 08/18/20 04:15 PM
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Actually.... I just realized. It feels like three years but it’s actually been two. FS is right. When it clicks, it clicks. Until then, you just keep pushing forward and let time and determination do it’s thing. Eventually you get some distance and perspective and you start to envision life after divorce. Of course, unless you never plan on having another relationship, you then get to navigate the world of online dating (OLD). Now that is another adventure in itself...lol. Lots of highs and lows in that arena as well. Meh... I am starting to think that is just how life is...lol. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. (((HUGS)))

Core #2902308 08/18/20 09:23 PM
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FS, DV, and I started the journey around the same time, hoping to save our marriage. The end result was the same for each of us. We are all in nearly the same place now - though our paths to get here differed.

Core, you are about a year behind us. At some point, we had to let go. The thoughts of reconciliation, the anger, the bitterness, the questions about why... we had to let it all go.

Life is better on the other side. It's not the life I wanted, but it's a new life that I've chosen to embrace.

Last edited by harvey; 08/18/20 09:29 PM.
Core #2902453 08/21/20 04:07 PM
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I wanted to stop in and says thanks for the past few comments. I've reread a couple times the last few days. Got through the guilt and talked to IC about it all. I still have fondness for my W. Her steps, unique deep breaths, shoulder cracking. While she apparently thought I was disgusted or disappointed in her, she has no idea how I cherished her. Of course as she felt that way, anytime I mentioned how I loved her, she wouldnt trust my words and the relationship would erode.

We are getting along really well. Not romantically but really collaboratively now towards D. Its messed up for me since its not what I wanted but I think between that and a battle, its what has to be done.

Im working on forgiveness and peace as you gave me advice for. When shes amicable its easier. She's not trying to destory me as far as I know in the D. Thats making it easier.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2902454 08/21/20 04:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Core
Got through the guilt and talked to IC about it all.

I don't think you should have any guilt other then owning your own part in the demise of your marriage. I actually commend you for what you did and I wish more LBS would do the same. Trust me down the road you will be disgusted about how long you tolerated the BS. It's all a process Core and you are doing great! You are so young and have your entire life ahead of you to be around people who actually value you as a person.

Don't be surprised that now the pressure is off the you and Mrs. Core end up in bed together. Just saying.

Core #2902455 08/21/20 06:44 PM
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Guilt is one step away from shame, and shame is almost always toxic. Taking responsibility for your role is different from feeling guilty.

Re: forgiveness, I can tell you in my situation I have decided to let it go. Perhaps one day I will forgive. I feel like the failure of my MR was like a giant boulder dropped into a lake, and the ripples will take a long time to even out, likely years. To me forgiveness is one of those slippery things... the more you think about it, the harder it is to get there. I can see a future where I forgive. I also don't worry about getting there.

Core #2902460 08/21/20 09:22 PM
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Core... I think it is good you still have a fondness for your W. Despite everything, I, too, feel like I have a fondness for my XH too... I don’t love him the way I used to. That ship has sailed and is barely visible on the horizon. But I do genuinely want him to have a decent life and I think that is a good thing. Particularly for our kids who need to know that I don’t hate their dad. Frees them up to love him and anyone else associated with his new life.

Keep moving forward. A year from now you will look back and be glad that you did. (((HUGS)))

Core #2902492 08/22/20 04:18 PM
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Core -

Glad to hear you're working through the guilt. Always remember- you were responsible for 50 percent of the MR. Thats the maximum you are allowed to blame yourself. My inkling is that instead, you had faults just like the rest of us. You were human. Making mistakes is normal. Please don't beat yourself up on that front.

On forgiveness - it is a decision we make. It is also a journey, not a destination. There will be good days and bad days. There will be days where we feel like we hate the other person, others where we reminisce fondly of the time we spent together.

We decide to forgive - even if the other person is behaving horribly. Not because we are a doormat, not because we are a loser, but because it is the right thing to do. Whether the other party ever realizes it is not up to us.

Forgive yourself too, Core - very important.

Take care man - stay strong smile

Core #2902506 08/22/20 09:05 PM
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Quote
On forgiveness - it is a decision we make. It is also a journey, not a destination. There will be good days and bad days. There will be days where we feel like we hate the other person, others where we reminisce fondly of the time we spent together.


This is so true! Thanks IW!

Stay strong Core!
And thanks for updating. The past few posts here have really helped me as well.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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