I’m having another moment of hopelessness, which I again know will pass. Right now it (the process) feels particularly endless, even though things seem to be trending in a good direction. It’s just slooooooow progress.
Her tone toward me has shifted in recent weeks, for the better. If I had to give it a name, it seems like she has gone from hating me and everything I do (6 months ago), to ignoring me and pretending everything is fine and that I don’t exist (2 months ago), to now... it feels like, again if I had to describe it, like a nurse who realizes she’s been neglecting her patient.
She seems tentative in everything she does now, and is always sort of nervously checking in with me - “are you ok? Do you need anything? Can I make you food?” It feels like she’s just woken up a little and is aware suddenly that things are off. I’m not sure if she knows how or why yet but it does appear that she knows and *cares* somewhat. Compare that to six months ago, where she would get furious at me for even having emotions, let alone ones that might benefit from her attention.
One thing she said to me recently that got my attention was, she was supposed to get up with the kids (every other day) and she had slept in for like, a week, and hadn’t gotten up early. She looked at me earnestly and said, “I know I’m supposed to on those mornings. I want you to know I’m *trying*.” And something in my gut said she meant more than the mornings. I may be reading into it, but it felt like she was saying that about the whole thing - she’s *trying*. That’s huge. Like I said, six months ago she would have yelled swear words at me and slammed the door.
I keep having to bite my tongue to keep from bringing up the relationship. I haven’t mentioned anything at all for nearly three months. And she has made no efforts to move closer to me, to show affection or anything like that.
So it’s really hard to know where I stand. I want to feel like this whole thing is still on the path to repair, to having a balanced and loving marriage again. I fear for the opposite, where we’ve just settled into the new “normal” and she’s happy like this.
Advise me, folks. It’s so tough to deal with the kids’ behavior, the pandemic, my work, and our finances, as well as all my 180s and changes. And we have weeks, like last week, where it takes every ounce of strength to be the stoic one and do my (very difficult) job, behind schedule, with the kids screaming and throwing things at me, and her spiraling into melancholy and yelling at the kids, or asking for breaks multiple times a day (which, I get, but - I’m *working*. I’m not unkind or unsympathetic, but I have to keep my job). Sometimes it feels like it’s perfectly in focus and I’m walking the path, and other times it’s as clear as mud and I feel like I’m just fumbling through.
Advise me, folks. It’s so tough to deal with the kids’ behavior, the pandemic, my work, and our finances, as well as all my 180s and changes. And we have weeks, like last week, where it takes every ounce of strength to be the stoic one and do my (very difficult) job, behind schedule, with the kids screaming and throwing things at me, and her spiraling into melancholy and yelling at the kids, or asking for breaks multiple times a day (which, I get, but - I’m *working*. I’m not unkind or unsympathetic, but I have to keep my job). Sometimes it feels like it’s perfectly in focus and I’m walking the path, and other times it’s as clear as mud and I feel like I’m just fumbling through.
Hi Hoch,
Always do your best. Each day your best will be different, but at the end of the day you know you did your best and then you will have no regrets. Learn from past mistakes and commit to doing better in the future.
As the man (as well as the one we can communicate with) it is your job to lead your family through this extremely tough situation. no one else is going to.
You face the dragon, even though you fear it (whatever dragon you are currently dealing with). Project confidence. Gain respect.
Parenting is tough. Having special needs children is on a different level. No support network makes it even more challenging. It is you and the mother. Divorced or not, you both need to pull your share. She may slack, and you will have to pull the extra weight. Do special needs parents have support groups? Is there on in your area?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
A year ago, we moved for my dream job. It’s something I’ve wanted and tried for for 16 years, and it was a crowning life achievement. I had made it.
Unfortunately, this has been the worst year of my life. And it caps off 5 terrible years, of my wife falling deeper into depression, refusing to help out with the finances, and finally blaming me, swearing at me in public, and slamming doors.
I’ve been kind and stoic as much as possible, held it together for the kids. But our finances have been a disaster, and I’m realizing I deeply resent her for digging in and refusing to work as our saving and retirement were burned just to make rent, and I’ve been doing everything I can (60+ hr work weeks plus 2 side hustles to make ends meet).
Now, the only solution is to move back to our home town - which is the last thing I ever wanted to do. I get to keep doing my job remotely, but it’s not at all the same as being on site and participating in something amazing. I was given the remote opportunity, and my wife decided the only place to go was back home - cheaper prices, plus family. So we are moving back home.
Much of this is circumstantial, and our of our control. But I find myself deeply resenting her, her depression, and her absolute refusal to help with the finances when we are drowning. Now I’m watching a dream of 16 years die (or at least, severely change), and I don’t know where to put my feelings.
I know I’m supposed to show only positive, and I try that, and it’s helping. But I’m not sure what to feel right now, and I need advice.
It’s frustrating because I know I could make great strides in peace with her if I feigned excitement for this move, but I cannot overemphasize how much I do not want to move back to my hometown.
Is this a case of, I just need to take it on the chin? It feels like it. But my chin is already pretty bloody from the past year. Again, I don’t know where to put my emotions.
(((Hoch))). Sorry you are feeling so poorly and unhappy about the move. Resentment is a very difficult feeling to resolve once it takes hold. If it wasn’t, a lot of us wouldn’t be on this site. Certainly my XH had boatloads of resentment toward me - earned or not. Perception is what matters...always.
RE: your W? And I apologize if you have talked about this before. I’ve read so many threads that they all start to blend in once in awhile. Is you W getting help for her depression... like is she seeing someone and on AD’s? If she is, I would go a bit easier on her because at least she is making some effort to get her life under control.
Or... is she just telling you she is depressed and using that to justify doing nothing. I don’t know about you but I think that would eventually become a deal breaker for me. I’m someone who has always carried my share of the load so I don’t have a lot of respect for people who sit back and point fingers without making an effort to pitch in.
Maybe once you are back in your hometown and have the support of family she will be able to make some changes? I totally get why you would want to preserve your marriage but if things continue on like this and continue to kill yourself to keep things going, will it be worth it? I don’t have an opinion either way but I do think it is a question you are going to need to answer for yourself in the future.
My wife is on antidepressants - though it took a while and a lot of pressuring from me for it to happen. She did recently volunteer to up her dosage though, which was a welcome surprise. And it happened just a few days after I started completely detaching and ending pursuit, which seems telling of the dynamic.
She has a therapist that she never sees consistently. Sometimes it’s twice a week (rarely), but most often it’s every 2-4 weeks. And from the little that she says of it, they mostly talk about surface stuff.
So I recognize that she is trying, after a fashion. She does spend much of her time staying up till 3 am though, and often loses her cool and snaps at me and the kids. The big difference between now and a year ago is, she seems to have this persistent apologetic state in between bouts of anger. The other day she apologized to me for “making my life a living hell.” (I had said nothing prior and have been detaching for months). Most days she falls into helpless remorse and frustration. But as mentioned, this time last year she was screaming and swearing, denying there was a problem, and hating me for existing - no apologies in sight.
So they are small strides toward mental health, but strides nonetheless. This is after basically 15 years of her being mildly-to-severely depressed. But in previous years she has referred to her depression as “not hurting anyone so why fix it, it’s just who I am.” Recognizing that maybe - just maybe - her depression impacts those around her, that part is new.
Not to get any specific response, but because I’m run down on no sleep and I can’t keep pretending I’m happy about the move.
I got about what I expected, a flat “I’m sorry to hear that,” and when I asked if she planned this move to be for the long term, she replied with “who knows what the future holds.” Which is code for, “I don’t know if we will still be married so it might not matter.”
Feels like all the hard work of the last 5 months is draining out.
You gotta let her go to get her back. Let her go. I know that feels like life or death to you, but it’s not. And with time you will see it too. On the other side of fear is freedom. Let her go, and get her to realize she might lose you. And in the meantime, work on you, take on new challenges and become a better version of you. One of two things will happen: you’ll either attract your W back or.... you’ll find someone better.
Hoch, what do you want? And no I'm not asking that related to her. "I want to stay and have her stay and be happy and remain married to me!"
If your choices are to stay and get divorced. Or go back to hometown and still likely get a divorce?
What I'm trying to get you to see is that if you are moving back with her to save the marriage then you are doing it wrong. You'll likely be back in your home town AND divorced. Two things you don't want. Or you can not agree to something you don't want and respect yourself, maybe garner some respect from her, whether you stay married or not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
