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Also just realized I repeated one of my other posts a lot. Oops. smile

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Hey Rachel

Sounds very much like my story, i look after the finance, but i also work and earn a reasonable amount. He doesnt have access to most of our money, which is great as his spending is ridiculous.

Things are happening fast for you and for now this is over, ok and please try to accept that he wont snap out of it overnight and that yes you can easily get to D. I know its rubbish, im just further along in this and please believe me that i have done all the tracking and so on. Its devastating when it happens.

Call upon your family, gal as much as you can, spend time with the kids, yes they will be confused, its so important that they have a consistent sane adult in their lives and that is you!

Take care of you, have a bath, watch a movie. Act as if you are moving on and happy. Fake it until you make it!

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Just to add, dont snoop, dont ask questions about his life, i act totally disinterested around my H, dont ask where he goes, what his plans are, only ever ask on the days When he takes the kids, so i know the whereabouts.

What i find is the less i ask the more he drops things into convo, about the ow, broken toe, health issues, work and so on. I just nod, where needed validate.

Act as if he is your neighbour who likes a good chat, but you arent all that interested, but always polite.

Hang in there, promise it gets better!

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This weekend is supposed to be his first weekend with the kids. He does not have a permanent place to stay so will be with them at our house. I am debating going somewhere for the weekend to get away. As hard as it is to be with him, I don't know that I'll be able to enjoy myself if I go somewhere.

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Im sure someone else would advice, personally i wouldnt go away unless i wanted to, but would plan my own stuff, seeing friends, taking a good book and sitting somewhere beautiful and enjoying the weather. Even if you are at home for periods of time whilst he is there, i would just crack on with my own stuff.

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Originally Posted by rachel75
This weekend is supposed to be his first weekend with the kids. He does not have a permanent place to stay so will be with them at our house. I am debating going somewhere for the weekend to get away. As hard as it is to be with him, I don't know that I'll be able to enjoy myself if I go somewhere.


As Gigi said, you do what you want to do. Getting away sounds like a GREAT idea. But if you decide you don't want to get away, then just stay and do what you want to do.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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I decided to just go stay in a hotel for 2 nights with a friend. Relax, eat, drink, etc. I have only been away 1 night in the last 4 years so I hope it helps me process things.

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Hi Rachel.

Yes you are right. This is very hard.

The best thing you can do is to stop reacting to his need to fight. He needs to see you as the "bad" person, so he is going to provoke you into fights and test you.

Don't fall for it.

Early in my situation, a friend told me something that changed my perspective.

"You cannot fight someone who does not fight back."

Its going to take some getting used to, because it is counter-intuitive, but leave him alone. Focus on you and your kids. Be the best parent you can be.

Sorry you are here but you're in a good place with a lot of very helpful people.

Take care - stay strong smile

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Hi Rachel. Reading your posts took me right back to my BD three years ago. I remember all too well being where you are at. My H was living a secret life...did not admit to an OW until they were literally engaged..shortly after we finalized a legal separation agreement.

I’m not sure what advice to give you other than what people have said. Focus on you. No R talks. Be happy and busy whenever you see him and above all, fake it until you make it. I faked it for a long time and forced myself to get out even when I only felt like lying in my room with my covers over my head. It was really hard but it did get easier over time. Eventually, I wasn’t faking it anymore.

I remember the morning I woke up and he wasn’t the first thing I thought of...and when I went to bed for the first time and he wasn’t the last thing I thought of. Or the first morning he came to pick up my daughter for tutoring and I was so busy getting ready in my room I actually forgot he was coming. Those were such milestone moments for me and when I finally started to believe there might actually be a life out there for me that didn’t involve being married to him. If you work at it, you will have those milestone moments as well.

I don’t know if you will reconcile with your H. But I do know that if you do, it will probably be a lot further down the road than you care to imagine. This is why it is so important to focus on you and getting your life together without him. If he does come back, you will be a better version or yourself and in a good position to build a new MR. But if he never comes back, you will still be further ahead because even though you won’t have saved your marriage, you will have saved yourself. Btw... I’ve been officially divorced for nine months now and I can tell you with absolute certainty that there IS life after divorce and it can be a really, really good one. (((HUGS)))

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I went on a weekend trip and it was good to get away. Have not spoken to my husband much and haven't initiated much at all. He did fill out an application for an apartment, which I discovered because it alerted me there was a hard hit on his credit report (I handle all the finances). He said it was too expensive & he is looking into other options. Today he asked me how we will split up the bank accounts, what we should do. I told him that is to be decided in court and is not something we really need to do now.

To my knowledge, he has not filed for divorce. He is kind of lazy and I feel like it will take him a while to start the actual process.
I don;t know how to act around him when he asks things like this. Just act casual and normal and divide our assets?

He locked his keys in his truck yesterday and asked me to drive an hour to bring his spare set. I did not and his mom had to bring them instead. Things like this annoy me. He can treat me like crap and then still expect me to bail him out. smirk Today he mentioned that we have been treating each other better the last week or 2, so I guess that is a good thing. When he mentioned dividing our bank accounts, I really wanted to beg him to come back home and try, but I left the house instead.

I am sure all of this sounds like rambling. Thanks for listening.

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