Update on going to the company event - I informed H about the event few days ago and his response was “I wouldn’t go to an event involving someone who treated us so badly.” The host was our previous landlord and we had some minor issues, but eventually we moved to a new place and it was fine with me. But of course, I guess maybe H was already bunkers then, because he is still holding a grudge for something that is pretty insignificant. Anyways, I’ve decided to go, and H’s reaction was “I thought I already told you that she treated me, you, and the kids terribly!”
I wanted to laugh and write back, “YOU are the one that’s treating us terribly.”
H is still claiming the victim seat as usual. Gosh. I really do have compassion for this man who cannot get his head outta his a$$.
Hi, wooba. I admire your compassion and restraint, as always! Maybe you'll make some good connections at the event or a friend--who knows. I think it's great you're just doing what you want to do. Let us know how it goes...
Your H has chosen to extricate himself from family activities and decisions at the moment, so you get to make the best ones for yourself and your children.
A dear friend, after hearing that H spewed at me about the same issues over and over again, told me: tell yourself it's just noise. Noise, noise, noise. Change the channel, get a new line, we have heard that one before, H, move along.
Your H is just being noisy. You can turn down the volume if you want to.
H is still claiming the victim seat as usual. Gosh. I really do have compassion for this man who cannot get his head outta his a$$.
It’s really quite something isn’t it Wooba! Good for you for forging ahead with what you want to do for you! Looking forward to hearing how it goes.
Originally Posted by Sage4
A dear friend, after hearing that H spewed at me about the same issues over and over again, told me: tell yourself it's just noise. Noise, noise, noise. Change the channel, get a new line, we have heard that one before, H, move along.
Your H is just being noisy. You can turn down the volume if you want to.
Sage4, I like this....along with Cardinals advice to wear headphones = winning combo!
I did go to the family event and it was fine. Everyone else was accompanied by their husbands except for me. One person asked me “Where is H? Is he at home?” I just nodded. I didn’t feel like it was the right moment to go into details. I actually did not feel like the odd one out either. I guess by now I am pretty comfortable with going solo.
A few times in a row this week where H emailed/texted said that he would *try* to stop by and see the kids, but ended up not coming because he was “feeling sick” or “work”. Today he called to talk to the kids, S10 has been wondering about this and finally asked H, “Where do you live?” H answered, “in a dark, tiny room.” And then he said, “is that answer enough for you?” Of course, S10 being only 10, accepted that answer and did not press on.
Just wow. I do believe metaphorically he is in a dark, tiny room.
Finally asked H, “Where do you live?” H answered, “in a dark, tiny room.” And then he said, “is that answer enough for you?” Of course, S10 being only 10, accepted that answer and did not press on.
Just wow. I do believe metaphorically he is in a dark, tiny room.
It is also dark and tiny to burden a 10-year old with that answer, and then with the "is that answer enough for you?"
The answer should have been -- "I'm in a small place for now but working on making a cozy spot for you to visit. I will see you very soon and I will always love you."
Just remember what a normal-minded father would do so you can stay clear-headed.
I often didn't. My story is the cautionary tale.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
That is such an odd and sad answer for a 10 year old. Just wow is right. I second Gerda in keeping your eyes open (I know you are) to how strange and inappropriate that answer is for your son, ESPECIALLY the question "is that enough for you?". (And yet not surprising, given the way he told them you guys were splitting up in that strange way (in the car, right?) and then completely forgot about it.) He must be in a pretty bad place to be doing this... is it surprising to you? Or was he always kind of like this?
your boys are so lucky to have you as their mom.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Peace, Gerda, may22- yes it was totally a messed up answer to a 10 yr old. To anyone really. This whole thing is just so sad.
H actually called this morning and asked “if we could take the kids out to lunch at that place S11 likes.” Our schedule was open so I said sure. This was the first time all of us had a meal together in months. After waiting at the table for 10 mins, I called him up to see where he was. He picked up the phone, sounding like I had just woken him up from a nap. I said “we are having lunch together right?” He responded, “what?” I said, “you called this morning and said to have lunch together?” And he finally woke up and realized that he overslept. Anyway, he came. And he looked unwell. Frazzled. He said he hasn’t been feeling well so he took Thursday and Friday off. The whole meal was really uncomfortable. He could not participate in the conversation normally, I don’t even know how to describe it but it’s like he all the sudden was socially challenged. He even called the waiter stupid in front of the kids. A lot of passive aggressive remarks.
May- he’s always had his idiosyncrasies. But when we had love, trust, and respect for each other, as family I accept those idiosyncrasies and took them for part of who he is. I did not like them at times, but overall they were within my threshold. I think now it’s more than me having my rosed color glasses off. He has become more and more strange.
I teared up a little after seeing him. I don’t wish him ill, and seeing someone I loved falling into pieces is very sad. But I reminded myself it’s not my problem anymore. I will not overextend myself. Plus he’s went through this sad-I-am-so-unwell-to-go-to-work phase before. Who knows what his deal really is.
Wow, wooba, perhaps he was hungover too? It sounds like you're doing well at feeling the sadness--of course it's sad, of course it's hard to see him like this--while keeping your boundaries and taking care of you and your children. This is where I don't have experience, and where it seems so difficult: it's one thing to manage your own expectations, but I would imagine it's another to watch your children navigate theirs, and to be disappointed for them when he's not fully "there," when he's clearly off in some way.
This resonates with me:
Originally Posted by wooba
But when we had love, trust, and respect for each other, as family I accept those idiosyncrasies and took them for part of who he is. I did not like them at times, but overall they were within my threshold. I think now it’s more than me having my rosed color glasses off. He has become more and more strange.
Maybe that's a difference I've been struggling to articulate or a distinction I'm not sure if I can make sometimes--rose colored glasses off vs. genuine changes that are happening.
