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#2901863 08/11/20 05:19 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 352
Core Offline OP
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Previous Thread: Here

Recap:
Spent 10 months post BD working on myself and the M in different ways. Finally had enough after finding W was name calling me, lying to friends about me and what I thought was lying about going to counseling. I filed for D, we are in the process and I continue to experience some guilt, disappointment and regret along with happiness and hope for my future.

Updates:
It turns out, W was going to counseling, albeit late and missed a few sessions. Her apparently skipping counseling and lying about it was one of my final straws which convinced me to file. With her actually going, I'm left being hasty and feeling like the bad guy. Of course Ive no idea what she was working on in counseling however it could've been towards fixing the M. Either way those days are gone. I think back to LHs advice...maybe I should've had that last chat with my W before filing. Im sure it wouldve still been full of manipulation and gaslighting but I'd have more peace. Im still convinced D is best for me here however if she was working on her issue, maybe the D isnt what was best for the family. I cant go back but it is unfortunate for me to have to live with this. Yes its my own doing. I based it partially on incorrect information. W did say she was thinking about filing as well but I believe nothing she says. It may have just been something to make herself feel better for being discarded or it was the truth. Not being able to trust the former love of my life for the rest of my life helps me regret it all a bit less.

Add this to the number of things I won't have answers for. I am left to wonder, was my neglectful, betraying W actually working on things? I saw no positive signs yet but they only had a few sessions of counseling. I'm not going to cancel the process or anything along those lines. Another challenge here to overcome on my journey to being a better man. Im still on the quick path to D and never remarrying. I just dont see the point in 2020.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
[Re: Core] #2901868 08/11/20 05:49 PM
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With what you've put up with for 10 months, only a complete ignorant moron could accuse you of being the bad guy. Maybe she was making progress. Were you willing to wait another year? Two? Five? you can walk away knowing you put all you could into saving things.

Besides, being D'd will not prevent R later. This is common LBS myth stuff. A D is a legal process. If a walkaway wants to R, having had a D will not prevent that.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
[Re: Core] #2901876 08/11/20 06:50 PM
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Core

I don't think I've commented on your thread before. For what it's worth, I have just filed and I did not discuss it with my H before hand. For me it was taking our children away for a family weekend and not telling me his GF would be there. Do I feel guilt at times, yes. Do I feel like if I hung on a bit longer that he may realise that I am the love of his life, absolutely. It feels like giving up. And that feeling [censored].

But you know what else, at some point we need to move forward. As long as you are doing it for you and not to shock them into some sort of epiphany, then it is the right thing to do. Steve is right, if they want to R, then a divorce is not going to stop them.

A childhood friend recently got in touch. I have not spoken to him in 20 years. Since we last spoke he has got married, has had two kids, got divorced and then remarried the same woman again 7 years later. I imagine it is a struggle for them. But they are committed to trying. It happens. D is not the end. It's a new beginning. The beginning of what is completely up to you.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

[Re: Core] #2901887 08/11/20 08:29 PM
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Do you really believe she was working on herself to be ken a better partner for the marriage?

I donít believe it for one second.

And if she truly wants to reconcile , filing for D will not stop her

[Re: Core] #2901897 08/11/20 10:51 PM
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Hey Core -

I wanted to touch on something from your last thread -

Originally Posted by Core

IW, good point on forgiveness. Something I'll look in to more. I don't want to forgive someone whom isnt seeking forgiveness but I know that only hurts me.

You don't forgive someone if they ask for forgiveness. That's a transactional affair. If I do X, you'll do Y.

You forgive someone for YOU. You do it to give yourself peace of mind. You do it because it will let the other person go, it will free the other person to attempt.to find their own happiness, because that is what every WAS is searching for, in the end.

I don't mean forgiveness as in some sort of spoken monologue or dramatic conversation with W. I mean you forgive her in your mind, in your heart. No words are necessary. That is what I mean when I speak of forgiveness.

The reason I say this to you is because you have young kids together. D or not, you are going to have to figure out a way to coparent with this person. You are going to have to figure out how to communicate with this person in a way that doesn't negatively affect or involve the children. And you're going to have to do this for a long time. Hence the marathon part.

Originally Posted by Core
The principle bugs me, you did X hurting all of us yet are facing almost no repercussions.


I understand, Core, that you're hurt and you need to take the time to process all of it. That's fine and well within your rights.

My F cheated on my M multiple times at the end of their disastrous 15 year MR. My M grew furious at him and took it out on us kids. My F in turn did the same thing - and they spent the next 2 decades fighting and haggling in courts over things that two sane people could have talked out in simple cordial 5 minute discussions.

My M never forgave my F. My F never forgave my M. It's nearly 40 years later and they're still furious at each other and they remind me every time I talk to them.

Each has been remarried several times. But to M and F, it is as if it happened yesterday. And it had an enormous impact on us kids - having a helping hand in sabotaging 3 out of 4 of my siblings' and mine long term relationships due to developmental impediments.

Core - look, I know you're angry and hurt, but please don't do that to your kids, ok? Be the rock, be the strong one, be the bigger person.

Soapbox rant over.

Take care, man - stay strong.

[Re: Core] #2901929 08/12/20 01:48 PM
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Core Offline OP
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Thank you Steve. That take is one I have to remind myself of probably for years to come here.

Flysolo, I cant imagine remarrying someone after divorce but right here you have a good example. Limbo and piecing seem hard enough, I cant imagine after divorcing for a few years. You're right on moving forward, I had to eventually and I saw no signs of things changing anytime soon.

Ginger, personally I believe she went to IC for validation of her choice. I have no clue if thats true but with nothing happening outside of her IC, I think she was going just to make it appear she was doing something. To keep me from filing.

IW, thank you for the message. What your parents went through and put you guys through sounds brutal. I see now what helped you obtain your ironwill. We are cordial for the kids. For me at the time being, its going ok even though I am harbouring all the ill feelings and thoughts towards W. Maybe it'll be easier to let them go after D.

Right now, this person ended my dream, my families dreams and my kids chances of a complete family and stable future. Shes messing me up financially for years to come, im turned off to any LTRs and Im stuck in a part of the world I didnt want to stay in for at least 17 years. All this over feelings. She initiated an R chat yesterday. She forgot the good, got validation of the bad and now thinks she never truly loved me and that someone else will make her happy. She admitted to one or two of her own issues but the solution isnt or wasnt to work on them. Ending the M and finding someone new is the solution. She felt like there were problems for awhile and it ate her up. FELT. She even admitted it was a feeling and may not have been really what happened but the feeling is what mattered. A feeling over reality. F that, no more LTRs for me. Admittedly even if her perception was wrong, the feeling she recieved dictates destroying what we had. She wishes we did more things romantically....she apparently forgot the first several years and her stopping those things.

How can I forgive that? I still get why I should but how I dont yet see. She has no idea what she wants but her and her family and friends know for sure that I'm the cause of unhappiness.

Were looking at a year a least to find a house in this market. Even longer to win one and afford it. This hell all over temporary feelings is just garbage in my opinion.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
[Re: Core] #2901936 08/12/20 03:36 PM
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Core. You definitely have reasons to be angry with your W. It s*cks beyond belief to have someone unilaterally decide to dismantle your marriage and family life based on feelings. Believe me...I know what that is like...as does everyone else on here. But for your sake and the sake of your kids, you need to find a way to let it go and move forward. And forgiveness is a BIG part of that, IMO. Not just forgiveness for your W but, equally as important, forgiveness for yourself. I struggled with both of those things for a long time. Had many stops and starts. Times when I thought I had made it but then something would happen, and Iíd be back in the anger again and dealing with all of the hurt feelings behind it. It was a process but one that I was determined to get through so I just kept working on it. Itís been almost three years since BD and Iím happy to say that I am finally there. I can see and communicate with my ex without it affecting my day and we are co-parenting well. He is engaged to OW and I am okay with it. Our kids are good. Do they wish mom and dad had figured things out and they only had one house and one family? For sure but they have adjusted and are doing really, really well. And so am I. You can get there too and when you do, it will be such a relief. You will see things in a whole new way and you will look back and wonder why it took you so long to get there. Stay the course and you will get there... and it will be so worth it. (((HUGS)))


Me 53
H 48
B/G Twins 13
SD 21
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

[Re: Core] #2901981 08/13/20 12:39 PM
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Hey Core!

First, thanks for all you posts on this forum!
Second, sorry it has come to this! We all have our hopes somewhere.

Quote
I cant go back but it is unfortunate for me to have to live with this. Yes its my own doing.


Throw all you guilt out the window! You never wanted this and you have NOT created this sitch.
You have done more then enought to be able to say that you did waht you could to save the marriage!
I think later on you will be happy you were the one to file. It is the ultimate way of putting you foot down. I was a bit fast to D but like other have said, it does not prevent R. Today I am actually really happy I was the one to do it.


Quote
my kids chances of a complete family and stable future.


Not sure you mean "forever" here but this is actually wrong. So long as you remain their rock (see below) their future will most probably be MORE stable because of this. Not the other way around.



I understand what you are saying about forgiveness. Maybe you donít have to use that word for it. Personally I am not sure I will ever forgive the actions of my WW. For me its more about letting go and accepting things that have happend.
What my W did is always going to WRONG and not acceptable in my book. So like IW said I will never say it to her face but I will accept the fact that all this happened and let it go. Otherwise I will be angry about what she did for the rest of my life. If that is called forgiveness, so be it. But I need it to be able to move on completely, and so do you.
If not for you, do it for you kids!


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
[Re: Core] #2902005 08/13/20 11:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Core


IW, thank you for the message. What your parents went through and put you guys through sounds brutal. I see now what helped you obtain your ironwill. We are cordial for the kids. For me at the time being, its going ok even though I am harbouring all the ill feelings and thoughts towards W. Maybe it'll be easier to let them go after D.


It was rough, but we got through it. Much like life. Thank you though smile

My point was that you can start working on forgiveness. Its going to take a while to get fully there. No time like the present though smile

Originally Posted by Core
Right now, this person ended my dream, my families dreams and my kids chances of a complete family and stable future. Shes messing me up financially for years to come, im turned off to any LTRs and Im stuck in a part of the world I didnt want to stay in for at least 17 years. All this over feelings. She initiated an R chat yesterday. She forgot the good, got validation of the bad and now thinks she never truly loved me and that someone else will make her happy. She admitted to one or two of her own issues but the solution isnt or wasnt to work on them. Ending the M and finding someone new is the solution. She felt like there were problems for awhile and it ate her up. FELT. She even admitted it was a feeling and may not have been really what happened but the feeling is what mattered. A feeling over reality. F that, no more LTRs for me. Admittedly even if her perception was wrong, the feeling she recieved dictates destroying what we had. She wishes we did more things romantically....she apparently forgot the first several years and her stopping those things.

How can I forgive that? I still get why I should but how I dont yet see. She has no idea what she wants but her and her family and friends know for sure that I'm the cause of unhappiness.

Were looking at a year a least to find a house in this market. Even longer to win one and afford it. This hell all over temporary feelings is just garbage in my opinion.


Core - you are still very attached. Re-read that paragraph.

Do you think understanding why she did what she did will bring her back? Will it solve the puzzle? Will it give you peace of mind?

Things to think about.

Take care man smile

[Re: Core] #2902011 08/14/20 02:44 AM
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Core ~

One thing that helped me a lot was focus on the present. Forget about the future -- whether or not you seek a LTR, whether or not you forgive your W. Those things may come in due time, if you give yourself space to breathe.

You'll never know the Why. I guarantee you. It's not worth chasing.

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