Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,423
Likes: 53
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,423
Likes: 53
Originally Posted by funbun
Originally Posted by Steve85
FB, are you in IC?


Not on a regular basis. I had three sessions before this and I stopped because I felt I didnt need it as much. Now thinking of making another appointment. Theres only one good therapist in my area.


I think you need it. I see you having trouble moving on. Plus, what you went through was very traumatic. Get back into IC and work through those issues.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,356
Likes: 17
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,356
Likes: 17
Originally Posted by funbun
This is not me. Prior to R with WAW, I was secure, relax and happy person. I want that person back, I want me back.

Anyone has any tips on this? How to stop this kind of obsessive thinking?
We have all been there.


Your brain is what you are really fighting. You need to control what you are thinking about and what you focus on. Right now, you are not in control of your brain. It is manipulating you.

Set goals and work toward them in every category of your life. Long term, medium term, short term, daily, hourly.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 130
F
funbun Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 130
It has a month since I've posted something. I am doing well, relatively speaking. It's a matter of managing my mental and emotional well being at this point. I've been reading a lot, learning things about myself and trying to enjoy life. There were good and bad days. On bad days, I just focus on surviving through the day and take it slow. I've been consistently working out, trying to stay fit. I've started personal projects that I've been thinking of doing for a while like learning a song on a guitar, making a short film, learning to ride a skateboard, basically anything that would keep me busy.

WAW asked me to meet up with her yesterday afternoon to sign the D papers. I did. We talked a bit afterwards, it was civil. No R talks. I mentioned that I want to see her family to say my goodbyes and that I have requested to be transferred to a different workplace (we work together FYI). I mentioned that I am planning to announce the D to my friends in social media after everything has settled down, probably three months after D (more on this later).

We have a date for our court hearing now: next week. It's an uncontested D so it'll be a simple process of attending the court once and everything will be final.

I am feeling a lot of different emotions. Mostly grief and anxiety. It's nothing new, and just like before I just have to take my time and process these feelings.

In the evening she texted me and asked for me to reconsider my plan to announce D on SM. A bunch of long texts, but basically, she doesn't want it to be public and wants the M to dissolve silently. She doesn't want people to talk. She doesn't want her parents to face the shame and have to deal with awkward questions about the D. She asks for me to respect her wish to not disclose the D.

I can see her point of view, but I feel that it has to be announced in some way. I see it as closure. I want people to know so that I won't have to explain to every single person that asks if I am still married. I do not want to reopen wounds every time I have to explain it. Sure, people will talk, it will be embarrassing for a while, but like most things, people will forget, it will pass. I also see it as a good step to start a new life. I will be a divorcee. I didn't ask for it, but it is a part of who I am in the future. I will have to live life with that label and live with dignity. I also want people to know that I am single again and I want to open up options for a potential new partner.

At some point in the conversation, I felt that both of us were not budging from our positions, so I ended it will "All I can say right now is I will contemplate on it and will let you know what I decided".

I come to this board again to seek advice on this matter: should I make the announcement for my own sake or should I respect her wishes and keep it private?


M: 28
W: 30
T: 2 years
Married: Nov 2019
BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,423
Likes: 53
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,423
Likes: 53
That is ripe! "I'm going to marry you in a sham wedding, blow up the marriage during the honeymoon. Drag you through a torturous divorce process. But please respect my wishes on not announcing the divorce on social media!"

Screw her. I'm serious funbun, why you even entertain her crap amazes me. She is trying to manipulate and control you. Announcing the divorce on social media is not embarrassing her parents, she embarrassed them by, oh, actually getting a divorce!

I'm anti SM. I hate it. But if I were you I'd announce it tonight. "Next week my divorce will be final. Wife decided to divorce me on our honeymoon."

You owe this woman nothing. Nada. Zero!!!!!

Last edited by Steve85; 08/11/20 01:22 AM.

M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,788
Likes: 2
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,788
Likes: 2
Agree with Steve 100%.

Shes not in a position to ask anything of you. She wants a divorce? Fine. Now live your life how you want to live it. If announcing your D on social media helps you feel better and allows you to process things 1%, then do it.

Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,356
Likes: 17
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,356
Likes: 17
Post to SM today:

"Divorce papers are finally signed. Court date is next week and it will be all done. I will officially be single again and looking forward to it"


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,356
Likes: 17
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,356
Likes: 17

Normally, I recommend this response:

"It ran it's course." when people ask what happened.

You may be the one exception. Use the shortest answer possible.


"Two days after the wedding,she decided she did not want to be married."


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,356
Likes: 17
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,356
Likes: 17


After my divorce, I enjoyed to company of many woman. I highly recommend you do the same. Society may not agree with me, but I got myself healthy before jumping into a serious committed relationship.

Check out this link and especially the area labeled MEN:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094

Time to make more positive changes to you. You deserve it.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 311
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by Ready2Change


After my divorce, I enjoyed to company of many woman. I highly recommend you do the same. Society may not agree with me, but I got myself healthy before jumping into a serious committed relationship.

Check out this link and especially the area labeled MEN:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094

Time to make more positive changes to you. You deserve it.


There's probably not one way to do things--or even a wrong way to do things. I'd just recommend going slow before letting any relationship get serious.

Several months (April 2019) after my divorce (December 2018), I clicked with a woman at a funeral (more like the celebration of life after the funeral) who I had met once before. We clicked when we met before, but we were both married. When I met her again at the funeral, I was not looking, hadn't joined OLD, didn't think I was ready, etc. That probably made me less desperate. She was really into me. We texted for a couple of months and had great chemistry, but we were unable to meet (I lived in another state before moving to my current home last August). She straight out asked me if I was ready for a relationship. I said I didn't think I was. She thanked me for being honest and pretty much ghosted me.

A couple of months later when I moved to my current home, I told her that I thought I was ready. She didn't respond. For three weeks I went on a bunch of OLD dates... a couple got physical. It was fun to feel wanted again, but I kind of grew tired of the scene and realized I liked the first gal much more than any I met on OLD. Out of the blue, she texted me to see if I wanted to meet up. The chemistry was still there. The anniversary of our first date will be in a couple of weeks.

You never know how these things will go. If you feel like casual dating until your healthy, do it. If you'd prefer a more serious relationship, don't rush, but don't close yourself off from something that feels right.

Last edited by harvey; 08/11/20 07:20 PM.
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 130
F
funbun Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 130
Thank you all for your advice. I will consider them as I weigh in my decision to announce D on SM v.s. keeping it a secret.

Nevertheless, W did make a few valid points about not displaying something private and shameful like a divorce. However, I just didn't like the fact that she is trying to put the burden on me when she is the cause of everything.

I sent a a long text just now:

Quote
"Hi. Regarding the divorce announcement, I do not want to promise that I will not make the announcement. Maybe I will, Maybe I won't. Maybe after 3 months or maybe in a year or two. I will decide based on whether it will benefit my well being or not. It's not for you to decide or control.

I want you to understand that, while I am still your husband, I try my best to be civil and to cooperate and to protect your rights as a wife. However, once the divorce is final, I have no obligation towards you or your family. The consequences of this divorce is 100% your responsibility. In my view, people WILL find out, and they WILL ask our parents. Do not try to place any guilt on me. Let me remind you, this is what you want"


She replied with:

Quote
"However, you want to be after this is over, that's entirely up to you. I will go on with my life. How I feel towards your parents, will not be up to you. It will be between me, them and God. So when I talk to them, however they want things will be, that how I will proceed with things."


I do not know why she mentioned my parents here. Seems out of topic.

She continued:

Quote
"Yes, I remember very well that this is what I want. I asked for it. I filed for it. And I know for sure that people will find out, people will ask. I'm in no way denying that. That's out of my control. What I know for sure is what I can control.

I don't really know why you're telling me all that. The last part. In the future maybe there's no need for that? Because honestly you're just showing the type of person you are... and some things are better not shown."


"You're just showing the type of person you are.." this part stings... She thinks the reason I wanted to post the D on SM is because I wanted the attention from people? I am not sure, perhaps there is truth in that deep inside of me, perhaps not. At the moment, I want to do it because (1) I don't want people to keep asking me if I am still married and reopen old wounds (2) to let people know I am single again.

She continued:

Originally Posted by W
"Maybe you misunderstood.... I never said I wanted to keep the divorce a SECRET. But okay. I have nothing more to add now. See you next week in court"


I'm confused by what she said here. She told me to not announce it? Now I'm the once that misunderstood?

That's the end of our conversation.

God, that was hard to do. I wanted to reply and give her a piece of my mind. But I am trying not to, I know it's some kind of bait. Her reply hurts. It feels like I did the wrong thing. It's hard to know. All I know that it hurts.


Last edited by funbun; 08/12/20 10:37 AM.

M: 28
W: 30
T: 2 years
Married: Nov 2019
BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
Page 3 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard