Difficult 12 months, a lot of unhappiness on both parts, H unhappy waving red flags, me too wrapped up to recognise or do anything.
Feb-i would say ea with a colleague March-inappropriate messages on pc found and h says we are done. 2 months of living together whilst he tells me that they are just friends. I ask him to move out. Lies, manipulations, not kept commitments, blaming me for everything. Nearly 5 months in and kids dont know anything
A lot of spending on his part, but wanting ti have convo re money and how we go forward as it will be tights, as continues to Spend like theres no tomorrow. Today H said he started D paper’s.
Follow up txt with are u ok? Boys ok? I respond re boys not myself.
Wont see him for 2 weeks from Tuesday which is a relief.
Last edited by job; 08/10/2012:12 PM. Reason: Fixed link
Question: so i have a proposal for H around some of the bills etc, its no biggie but it will be me driving it. In terms of communication as i dont want to get into a debate around things. A txt with this is for your information would be appropriate?
I would highly suggest not texting or calling about this stuff. I'd move it to email.
Here is why: 1. Email allows you to deal with his responses in your own time. They are less in your face. 2. It keeps a written record of the messages. Calls are not recorded. Texts can be deleted and getting texting records from carriers requires a legal document. 3. He cannot later claim he didn't say that. And trust me, he will try. He will try to call you so there is no written record. He will prefer texting in lieu of calling because he knows it is more transient than email.
The way you start this is to send him an email saying that from now on you want to move these discussions to email. That if he tries calling or texting your response will be via email (you can even cut and paste the text into the email so there is a record of it!).
Gigi, you have avoided me every time I mention this so please answer this question: HAVE YOU CONSULTED WITH A LAWYER YET?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you, not yet, i will be out of the country for over two weeks, this is something im planning on doing when we return. I didnt intentionally avoid the question, it sort wasnt at the forefront of my agenda, but now It has to be to protect me and the boys. Even if we agree between ourselves we need to seal the deal legally if not through divorce then through legal separation.
I have no idea what he will cite in d papers as reason for D. As there is certainly no unreasonable behaviour on my part.
I assume this will drag on if i dont sign those, he is doing some sort of online application to avoid the extra costs.
Yeah, my WW was intent on doing an online, quickie cheap D. Here is the thing, he is dreaming. There is no such thing with kids involved. Even if you agree on every point, which you probably will not.
Also, my bursting her cheap, quick, online D bubble was a real eye-opener to her. WSs take the path of least resistance. You do not have to agree to such a D.
Regardless, this is a legal process and you need expert legal advice. Getting a lawyer will tick him off. SO what. He is a lying cheater that is leaving you for another woman. Screw him and his wants.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes i will do, i think that will be a shock for him, he is feeling resentful that i get to go away and going to cyprus with boys in october and get to stay in the house and so on, so this will hit him.
So in return he is spending money like there is no tomorrow and paying with the card so i can see where he has been and how much is spent. He totally lost his marbles.
I dont have to agree to anything frankly, in 5 years he can divorce me without my involvement whatsoever.
A thousand miles away from H, but we have kids, so the daily messages are still here. All about the kids, but im struggling with how to respond to these.
They are all very brief like how are the boys? If i respond very briefly e.g. having a great time i get a follow up txt saying a bit more details?
If it wasnt for the kids i would just go no contact
The thing is we have always been really good friends with H, so i know if i get sucked into chit chat i will get carried away, because the convo flows between us easily, even now if i allow it. I try to be as brief as i can
Whilst im not 100% detached i feel so much stronger now and i dont want to go back to the emotional state i was in and i certainly don't want to be friendzoned.
A week away from H and things are good, his spending has been out of control, but im just enjoying our time with the family and time with the boys. They havent asked for H once, they want to live here near my family. I feel so much stronger here too.
Long term its a possibility and an exciting one at that.
He is currently staying at our house, but hasnt mentioned it directly to me, i realised when he facetime the kids that he is at our house! He is friendly on txt-friend zone, a bit jokey ocassionally, i only eveR respond to questions re kids and very brief and it works for me. We have another week away here and then to face the reality.
He is using our joint account so i can see everywhere he has taken ow to!
This is so incredibly disrespectful but nothing surprises me anymore! I can see all of the spend on the banK statements.... I have no idea if he is doing this on purpose to rub it in my face or he is just generally thoughtless
Back home, H picked us up at the airport, Tried to cuddle, i sort of let him, because i didnt expect it and couldnt react quick enough. The picture of ow is on his phone as a screensaver, i found it funny, it felt it was done on purpose.
He voiced that it feels like we have had a row and out communication can be better, that he struggled to get information out of my whilst we were away. I asked hin what info he was after and he said about the boys....to be honest i responded to all his questions about the kids daily, i just didnt write up essays about their day, brief one liners, but clearly he thinks we need to be more friendly. I feel so emotionally closed off from him, i actually dont want him to know anything about me or my life. I dont know if this is the right way to go in terms of communication. Should it be business like?
I say DEFINITELY business like atm. How your co-parenting (and hence communication) develops will depend on future living arrangments, custody etc.
For me it has been important to not give my W expectations that she will see everything about our children, because she wont. TBH it hasnt been much of an issue but when she has asked I have answered business like. Also, I never sent more than 1-3 photos no matter how long we have been away.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Thank you, we were away for 2 weeks and i only sent two when he specifically asked about pictures. I dont really get inti the while exchanging the pictures thing.
He stayed at out house when we were away and took down our family pictures off the wall....i find it so odd, either he is that uncomfortable or ye brought the ow to our marital home.
I mean the man has lost it either way. I dont really know where to start any communication with him, as we are literally coasting, and its been 5 months.
Less than 2 months after BD my W started removing all memories of "us" including a photo wall she made for one of my birthdays, which mainly had pictures of the kids, but also some photos of me and her. That was one of the most painful events. A minor event in hindsight but I was so far from where I am now then. I couldnt even begin to understand how that could make her uncomfortable. When we talked about it I could tell SHE really disliked seeing those things and she hadn't even thought about how I would react. They flee from the past and from responsibility and are so consumed by their new reality that they basically never think about us or our feelings.
Last edited by Mumin; 08/26/2005:07 PM.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
I asked him calmly why he took it off, he said he was uncomfortable, i just nodded and left it at that.
So something odd happened yesterday, h asked to discuss finance and how to move forward. I said he would need to cover mortgage and bills. He said fine just send me the amount.
I sent him the amount later that evening and he was sending me long txt asking if that would be enough or if i needed more for me and the boys. That he would always provide for us and make sure that we are financially ok even if he has to live god knows where......that he made a commitment and he would always see it through?!
This threw me to be honest, i mean im not going to say no to all the financial input, but i did t expect this speech that he needs to make sure that boys and i are ok and so on
Gigi... don’t read too much into it. He feels guilty. He knows that leaving his wife and kids is not a good thing to do. So he’s trying to soften the blow and alleviate some of his guilt. Shows that he is a decent person...but he is still a decent person who wants to leave. He feels like he has no other choice at this point. That could change over time but I would not look for signs that it is at this stage of the game. It will only get your hopes up and set you up for more BD’s in the future. Accept that this is where he is at and take the focus off of him. Do not try to figure out what and why he is doing what he is doing (you’ll probably be wrong anyways) and put your attention fully on you and your kids. The more you can do that, the better off your will be in the end. (((HUGS)))
You are right of course, it was just unexpected, as he was saying just 2 weeks ago how good ive got it and he cant keep giving me money....so was just surprised by the changes. I just said thank you and didnt enter into the emotional conversation.
Im totally concentrated on me and the boys and at the moment getting them ready to go back to school next week and getting back to work after our holiday.
I absolutely realise this wasnt a step towards our M in any way.
Journaling, so i remember how it was in months to come.
Holidays blues, a bit of a feeling of not belonging here, kids asleep and being on my own in the house. I like my own company and space, but just nice to have had company of my family for the past 2 weeks. Family support makes a huge difference, they give me so much strength.
Some observations re H for no reason really, whenever he rings its always facetime, over the last couple of days txt turned very friendly, with compliments like you are such an amazing mum....i dont respond, this is just another phase. All finance we agreed has materialised which takes the pressure off me. I feel good about myself, looking forward to sorting out the garage next weekend and resurrecting the mini gym that we have in there. Some internal turmoil re work, but i dont have the resource to change that part of my life at the moment.
Strange things are happening here, again they sone mean anything and its just a phase. H wants to stay the night at the house and out kids to bed and wake up with them and make them breakfast. He hasnt stayed here for a couple of months now definitely and only stayed for bedtime a handful of times.
Just be careful Gigi. Try not to read anything into it and keep your expectations at zero. As they say on here...if your H wants to reconcile, you will not be confused about what they are saying or doing. If you are confused, then it is just more of the same. The dance WASs do between doing what they want and doing what they know they should want. In the end, the vast majority of the time, it is the former that wins out. Better to just do you and not worry what he is up to or not up to.
As an aside... I do worry about the mixed messages he is giving your sons. Kids are amazing the way they adjust when it is clear to them what is going on. However, the back and forth can get really confusing and the kids don’t look at it like...”This is mommy and daddy not knowing what they want and has nothing to do with me.” Kids are much more egocentric than that and will usually interpret their parents’ behaviour as being all about them. This is a hard enough road as it is without all the back and forth. If I were you, I would set a pretty clear boundary with my H and tell him he needs to find somewhere else to stay unless he is planning on returning for good. Just my opinion. Others may see it differently.
Im with you on that one actually! He stayed the night in the spare bedroom, brought me coffee into bed in the morning, to be honest im indifferent to these actions, as they mean nothing. I feel sorry for him, he seems lost. Happy is not how i would describe him.
Re kids-yes absolutely, i have a feeling it was a one of thing and he wouldnt be asking to stay here, i realised that it was totally selfish as today he was moving out from the apartment that he was staying at elsewhere (I dont actually know where to, didnt ask). At this stage it is much healthier for the kids, daddy works during the week and comes to see you over the weekend, until we have a conversation with them.
So getting legal advice, set myself some timescales.
H wants the house on the market, went from i will support you financially always to if we went to court ill win the kids and 70% of everything!
Was very emotional, more lies there, said that he spoke to my family (he didnt). Cried, asked me To open up, tried to give me advice, thinks we should be friends not just coparents. Thinks that i emotionally supress children and they blossom when he is around and that they will be better off with him. Scary stuff, sounds very unstable To me.
So sorry Gigi. I think getting some legal advice is the exact right thing to do. Sounds to me like he is trying to scare/bully you into taking less than what you are entitled to. At the end of the day, if he wants a divorce, you can’t stop him. However, you do not have to jump every time he tells you to. Talk to a lawyer and take your time. There is no rush to do anything. Having said that, the sooner you have an agreement in place, the better. Also...WASs tend to be more agreeable and generous in the early days. So weigh your options carefully and protect yourself as best you can. (((HUGS)))
It was pure emotion in his part, reacting to things that i say. He cried and was put out that i wasnt upset. There ia no rush absolutely, he wants a quickie online divorce thing and for us to verbally agree stuff. Its madness to verbally agree the fate of my children!
By end of next week will make sure that i have legal advice and set up a meeting with a mortgage broker to see what i can get and start looking around for properties.
Also discussed what we will tell the children and of course he wants it to be that it was amicable etc.
Thank you for reminding that i dont have to agree to anything he says!
I was a little upset when he left, but over it now. The more stuff like this happens the more I understand that i actually dont know or want this person! He is not my husband, not the person i married.
He also seems to be leaving his stuff in the house constantly, and come and goes as he pleases. I need to set some boundaries there, as its not convenient for me.
I must say his behaviour and emotional outbursts where a little threatening on regards to childcare arrangements.
I'm sorry this is happening, Gigi... seems like par for the course with WAHs. I think DejaVu's advice is spot on.
You might check on the MLC thread. Seems like there are a number of situations on there that have a lot of similarities to yours-- Wooba went through something similar in the not-too-distant past.
Hang in there.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
He wants everything done quickly and agreed verbally. I managed to get some preliminary legal advice and of course the first port of call is to try and resolve everything yourself, starting with money and childcare. H seems to talk just about the house and just a 50/50 split, however i have been adviced to put everything on the table including the pensions and start negotiating from there. Also very clear that 50/50 isnt always fair and if we went down the court route they would look at mortgage capacity and life after divorce so often its not a 50/50 split but the person with less mean can get more to start a life.
So emailed the mortgage broker for a meeting and reading the disclosure documents i was adviced to use to start the conversations.
Meanwhile h took kids out yesterday with own, he is trying to position himself as the fun dad i guess, of course the lids are happy that he is around more. My eldest asked h to stay the night last night so i did t have a choice but to let him, which wasnt all that great for me, but i just got on with my own stuff.
I honestly thought that the toughest time was behind me....that the emotional turmoil that he caused was ocer and i was was so much better and ready to crack on with life, this has set me back weeks, just different reasons for my emotions.
Im tired, he wants to have conversations every other day. He apparently sought advice and was told to give us distance as he says this is to the detriment of him seeing the kids. Im not sure who would possibly give that advice?! Its been 5 months and now he thinks its long enough and time for us to move forward. He goes from telling me that he doesnt understand why i get to stay in the house for now to saying that he will help me get settled in the new home.
I feel emotional again. Not so much because of him not in my Life, but necause i now have to share time with my children.
Definitely seek legal advice and do not agree to anything verbally. They waffle back and forth and because he wants a divorce so quickly, that tells me he is hiding something and most likely ow. The ow and his new found friends are telling him what he should and should not do. Unfortunately, he doesn't realize that you are smarter than what he thinks.
All he cares about is getting out from under the marriage w/o you finding out that there may be a third party in the marriage and wants his freedom and money.
Protect you and your children and most importantly, protect your assets. Do not allow this man to sway you into doing something you aren't ready for. After all, you are the mature one right now and you need to take care of you and your family and if that means staying in the home for a while, then do so.
If he doesn't get his way, he will attempt different ways to get you to do what he wants. Sometimes, they are nice and when you tell them you aren't drinking their latest kool-aid drink, they will turn nasty. It's all about them and truly, they do not care what happens to you or how you will survive because they are singing the "me, me, me" song.
Listen to your lawyer. Make a list of questions and ask them when you meet w/your lawyer. Do not share that info w/your h.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He does have an ow, they dont live together, she lives with her mum and dad, she is 22! I would imagine he wants out asap because he has made promises. We can resolve amicably most things, he knows i wont leave the house until i have somewhere to move, as in i have bought a house, so we are in uk, and we are looking at 4-6 months just to sort the sale and purchase and if i buy off plan, we are waiting for the house to be built. So this could take months anyway. Im not to worried about it me and the kids wont end up homeless.
I havent shared anything with hom at all, i just outlined that i have a number of appt at the end of the months and then we can have more productive conversations re finance etc.
Oh i have experience the emotional yo yo. One minite accusing me of breaking into his emails (i havent even thought about doing that) and the next minute telling me that he will give me more money from the house sale and help me settle. I have said the first step is to decide how we will tell the kids. So lets see if that conversation materialises.
My WAW gave me an anniversary card even though she gave her BD a month before.
And people say I’m nuts when I say she’s conflicted.
"I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass over me. When the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain."
Gigi123 - That's tough. My wedding anniversary is tomorrow and we have a transition with the kids in the evening, so I'm curious if anything will come up (I don't plan to broach the topic). Hang in there!
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I know that in the evening when kids go to sleep i might dwell on this a little, but we had a fab day together after h left.
My friend came round with her H to help with the rest of the garage and her H took my boys to the park whilst we finished up.
I havent been to the garage for a while but my H has left a load of bags with his stuff in there and he asked the kids to help pack all of that in boxes.....i thought that was particularly odd, as kids dont know anything! So i said to him we need to set a date when to tell the boys and silence is what i had back!
He is coming here tomorrow, but luckily i have a fun shopping trip planned!
Gigi if you REALLY think the kids need to know u can just tell them. Especially if WAS isn't responding. That's exactly what happened to me, so I just told them. Went sort of like this. Mom and dad aren't in love as much any more. That's why mom isn't at home all the time anymore. I am not sure what will happen.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Thank you, we are at the stage of either War or peaceful resolution of division of everything, i d very much like peace for the sake of the boys. I would prefer to tell them together,but you are right if he doesn’t respond again i will tell them myself. If he wasnt doing weird stuff like letting my kids pack boxes with his stuff or letting my eldest look at his pictures on the phone that are full of ow And have ow on the screensaver of his phone then i would let it slide, but this is so confusing and upsetting for my eldest.
Omfg! What an idiot! Whit that going on if I was you and my eldest showed even a slightest hint of understanding what's happening (which by the way I'm 100% sure he/she already does) I would say something immediately. You can just tell H that the eldest asked or seemed confused. I spent 3 months anxious every day about telling them (new me would have asked W once). It isnt that big of a deal. NOT telling them while they may understand or are confused, is worse IMO.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Very odd set up here. H stays at the house a couple days a week to spend time with the kids. He drinks, started smoking, i have no idea how he functions.
We work in the same building, so i saw him with the ow today they went out for lunch, it was an odd sight Ill be honest and affected me a bit.
I have walked past his car and his boot is full of his clothes, so i have no idea where he is staying the nights he isnt sleeping at the house. At the moment i just roll with it, work is busy i have an appt with financial advisor at the end of the months so i have a better idea on what i can afford.
Its been over 5 months now, i dread to think these things take years.....
It did make my heart skip a beat (not in a good way) but luckily we work in different departments, they didnt see me at all, and i had a moment to compose myself. Its not nice really, but i have to accept that it is what it is and there will be much closer encounters for the three of us over the next months in sure. I just try to keep my head high, as far as im concerned there are only two losers, and thats my H and OW.
I know we all go through different stages, im at a stage where i feel irritable with H, everything he does, the way he hadles things i find totally pathetic. I dont try and rationalise i dont second guess but im often left irritated by what he says and does, i don't want him Around, i hate it how he handles the children.
And i cant seem to shift the feeling, He makes me feel tense and im finding in treading on eggshells when he is around.
I hate this feeling and i shifted it for some time when he was barely here, but at the moment he is seeing the kids more often and i never know how long he will hang about for.
How are you feeling today? I know it stinks not knowing when he will come around/how long he will hang around for. Especially when they handle the kids in a less than ideal way and probably won't listen to input right now. Are you able to leave when he does come by? Maybe save up your errands for then so you can just escape for a bit?
I tend to go out as soon as he gets here, but now and then i have stuff to do in the house and he just mopes around here. Kids end up with phones or tablets in front of their faces and he just does, well not much. I need to get to the stage of not feeling anything, even the irritation.
We have finally agreed on a day to tell the kids, next Saturday. I need to set some boundaries around him staying in the house, as he drops by with short notice whenever he likes. He wants to be friends, said he just doesnt love me anymore and that the ow had no influence on him leaving at all. I dont really care if she did or not, said that its strange that i would see it that way. That he stopped loving me that i pushed him away, showed him that i didnt love him. He knows that its not how we planned things, that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together and so on and that its not going to happen now. I had a good cry and i feel angry
I think i need some wise words from you people on how bot to fall apart, and i know its just my emotions.
Im struggling with 180 here as i have obv neglected some parts of our marriage and didnt always act the right way, perhaps restricting his impulsive behaviours and so on. Basically by doing what in soing which is not initiating contact and basically living my life like He doesn't exist, im doing more of the same in his eyes. Not that it matters as he is with ow and very slowly trying to integrate her in all aspects of life. I know we could be in for the long haul here, 2-3 year, which im not prepared to wait btw.
I just need a reality check whilst im ringing around banks to get our financial position and rereading db whilst he is out with boys and ow.
I think i need some wise words from you people on how bot to fall apart, and i know its just my emotions.
Emotions are good teachers. Your anger is teaching you something. Don't try to rush over it. Feel it. It Doesn't have to turn into actions.
Originally Posted by Gigi123
I'm struggling with 180 here as i have obv neglected some parts of our marriage and didnt always act the right way, perhaps restricting his impulsive behaviours and so on.
No Person on this planet ALWAYS acts the right ways. What kind of impulsive behaviors were you restricting? What ways did you neglect the marriage?
Originally Posted by Gigi123
Basically by doing what in soing which is not initiating contact and basically living my life like He doesn't exist, im doing more of the same in his eyes.
It sounds to me like you are keeping emotionally distant from him (which makes sense because he's not emotionally safe at the moment). That doesn't sound more like the same - it sounds like self care and a boundary.
I've also seen vets here say to put boundaries on his communication? Maybe around his visits too? Would those be 180s for you?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Some of the impulsive behaviour were to do with money spending, he is terrible with money and i think always felt restricted that i might not agree with large purchases, i would often cave in in the end, but now looking at our financials now certainly haven’t put us in a good place!
Little things like he wanted The treadmill in the house and we have 2 small children and no space for it, i felt garage would be best for it....but he was t happy with that ( i didn't cave on that one and its still in the garage now!) but he felt that was me stopping him from getting fit.... I would say most of these things have happened in the last 18 months and he seems to think that i have emotionally destroyed him. He would want to spend time together, but wouldnt actively do anything e.g book a babysitter and take me on a date, he would expect me to change Or do something. I mean i could list so many examples here. Im sort of at the stage that none of that matters anymore, He is with ow, he is spending time with her and the kids, i feel i just need to protect myself and thats it, as all of this is emotionally draining He felt ignored as he has been waving red flags and saying to me that we need to do something about our M, but i did nothing and just felt more resentful that he was drinking every night and choosing not to go to bed with me. A terrible pattern of behaviour. He openly told me that he doesnt love me today and he just wants to concentrate on being a dad and thats it. But he has been barely present for the past 5 months and behaved with little integrity or honesty.
We only ever communicate about the children now, and occasionally if He brings our relationship, i just nod to what he is saying and dont engage really.
Some of the impulsive behaviour were to do with money spending, he is terrible with money and i think always felt restricted that i might not agree with large purchases, i would often cave in in the end, but now looking at our financials now certainly haven’t put us in a good place. Little things like he wanted The treadmill in the house and we have 2 small children and no space for it, i felt garage would be best for it....but he was t happy with that ( i didn't cave on that one and its still in the garage now!) but he felt that was me stopping him from getting fit.... I would say most of these things have happened in the last 18 months and he seems to think that i have emotionally destroyed him. He would want to spend time together, but wouldnt actively do anything e.g book a babysitter and take me on a date, he would expect me to change Or do something. I mean i could list so many examples here.
IMHO - it sounds like your H doesn't want to be responsible and often unloads his feelings onto you. It also sounds like you get exhausted by it. I can see why you are emotional drained. When he did those things... How much did you try to control the situation? Did you use any guilt tripping? name calling? etc.?
Originally Posted by Gigi123
He felt ignored as he has been waving red flags and saying to me that we need to do something about our M, but i did nothing and just felt more resentful that he was drinking every night and choosing not to go to bed with me. A terrible pattern of behaviour.
I completely understand the resentment feeling... but it's victim mind thinking... and honestly...only hurts YOU.
Originally Posted by Gigi123
He openly told me that he doesnt love me today and he just wants to concentrate on being a dad and thats it. But he has been barely present for the past 5 months and behaved with little integrity or honesty.
Eek. What nerve to say that to you.
Originally Posted by Gigi123
We only ever communicate about the children now, and occasionally if He brings our relationship, i just nod to what he is saying and dont engage really.
I think this is fine. It does feel like there is resentment on both sides. Unfortunately - you can't control how your H processes his. Are you in an IC to work through yours?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Im a bit of control freak and really working on this, im at a stage where i take no interest in his life i dont even know where he lives at the moment, i have definitely worked on this and only even try and control my actions and emotions.
H felt that he wasnt my priority, that he wasnt 1 st on the list that he was always “later” after the kids after my work and in reality between work and dropping and picking up the kids I was exhausted and yes i just about managed to do all the basics, i felt burnt out and with his we need to do something about our marriage i just felt like i was pushing him away more and more the more he pressed. Just before he ended things he booked a spa for us for a long weekend and arranged for his mum to have kids, this was the first time in months that i felt excited and a relief that he has done something rather than pressed me. I was in ic, and honestly i feel so much better, i just think im having a feeling sorry for myself day particularly after he said i stopped loving you.
He doesnt want to tell the kids about ow, as in he only wants them to know thT she is a friend thats it. Its just one of those sneaky ways to integrate her into their lives. Ow is 22 for goodness sake and lives at home with mum and dad. He said he would like her to get to know the kids.
You are right about victim mentality and im really changing that for myself, anything you advice i read about it. I should have heard him when he was screaming that we are in trouble, i shouldnt have felt sorry for myself. But that is all history now.
Im a bit of control freak and really working on this, im at a stage where i take no interest in his life i dont even know where he lives at the moment, i have definitely worked on this and only even try and control my actions and emotions.
I'm glad you are doing a 180 here. Control often enables the other's behavior. When we step back - life teaches them all the things they need to know. It seems like even though your H didn't like your control, he was more than happy to hand it over when things proved too difficult for him. Now that you are letting him experience ALL of life's up/downs - he's rejecting that. Keep allowing him to feel those natural consequences. Good and Bad.
Originally Posted by Gigi123
H felt that he wasnt my priority, that he wasnt 1 st on the list that he was always “later” after the kids after my work and in reality between work and dropping and picking up the kids I was exhausted and yes i just about managed to do all the basics, i felt burnt out and with his we need to do something about our marriage i just felt like i was pushing him away more and more the more he pressed. Just before he ended things he booked a spa for us for a long weekend and arranged for his mum to have kids, this was the first time in months that i felt excited and a relief that he has done something rather than pressed me.
I can see that. Control does burn us out. Add neglecting self care, not asking for what we want... just creates an emotional exhaustion that often leads to "checking out" or "giving up". Seems like both you and H have done a little of that.
Originally Posted by Gigi123
I was in ic, and honestly i feel so much better, i just think im having a feeling sorry for myself day particularly after he said i stopped loving you.
That makes sense. That's rough to hear... but don't give it too much power. WAH spew lots of cr@p.
Originally Posted by Gigi123
He doesnt want to tell the kids about ow, as in he only wants them to know thT she is a friend thats it. Its just one of those sneaky ways to integrate her into their lives. Ow is 22 for goodness sake and lives at home with mum and dad. He said he would like her to get to know the kids.
Try to avoid the mind reading here. Whatever his reasons are his own. It's in his lane. You stay in yours.
Originally Posted by Gigi123
You are right about victim mentality and im really changing that for myself, anything you advice i read about it.
I really like the work of Vicky Tidwell Palmer. She's got a great podcast about boundaries which I LOVE and I really enjoyed her book. Although the title can be a little off putting - I find alot of it very relatable. She often refers to Pia Mellody too if you want to look into her works as well.
I am a very logical person too so VTP gives me tools which I can actually put into practice because "not controlling" feels so uncomfortable for me. I don't want to control others and get frustrated by the fact "I need to" but then when I let go - I get scared. And when I stop controlling others and put the focus on myself - well it can often be painful. Staying in my own lane and allowing others to stay in there feels impossible at times. Her work helps me stay in my own.
Originally Posted by Gigi123
I should have heard him when he was screaming that we are in trouble, i shouldnt have felt sorry for myself. But that is all history now.
I experienced the same exact thing and when I fully admitted my part - I cried for two weeks. History can be a great teacher. It your H does mention R and If you have ignored him in the past - perhaps a 180 would be to validate. Nothing huge... just maybe a "I hear you" or "that sounds really painful".
If you are able to/want to. I know you are emotionally exhausted. Take care of you first and perhaps the validation will follow after some time.
You are doing really well Gigi. Hang in there.
Last edited by Valeska19; 09/12/2005:44 PM.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Thank you for the pointers re books and podcasts ill definitely check them out.
We have agreed he would drop the kids off at 5, he txt at 5 saying that he will be late , 6.30, needless to say they arent home yet. I think it’s unreasonable as i have plans with them tomorrow and they will be exhausted and i told Him that before they left. But im not going to react to his lateness, im just going to roll with it, before i would have freaked about it.
I just nod when he says all those R things but i will try and use words as you suggest, in all honesty i cand do any more harm, can i? I know that emotions and feelings change but he wont just start loving me all the while he is with ow. I just need distance from him and create some boundaries in regards to him staying at the house, i think as we are telling the boys in saturday it wouldnt he appropriate for him to stay anyway as it would he confusing for the kids.
In terms resentment we definitely both contributed and we had so much on, with two small kids, No family support, both of us working, h. Doing his masters and then phd, not being happy with work either. It was too much for us to cope with and maintain our marriage. Could we have done it, yes absolutely, but we didnt.
H has been staying at the house as and when because “he misses the Kids so much”, i mean i call bs and i think its just convenient for him. Kids have been very happy and s6 now thinks that daddy is working less and will be at home more and we can be all together. Well we have agreed with h to tell the boys on Saturday! I dont want him to stay at the house as it is confusing for the kids and to be honest I dont need my Husband who is sleeping with another woman to stay at our family home, bloody insulting. Technically we both own the house so i cant stop him from even moving back in! But would like to ask for him not to stay. Is there a good way to approach this?
No idea if i have done the right thing, but i feel this is the first time i didnt just ignore him and everything that is happening but i stood up to him.
He was on his way to the house to stay overnight and wake up with the boys and i said as we are telling them on saturday i think the whole staying overnight isnt appropriate really and its odd for me, i simply deserve better as a person and a woman than to have my husband who is seeing someone else sleep every now and again at our marital home.
He did attempt to Go into we are not together anymore, and i said great. (I mean there is no reason to stay here right!)
No idea how this will unravel and whilst i will have two grumpy Kids tomorrow morning, it feels good! Not because that made him feel [censored] but because this makes me feel empowered!
No idea if i have done the right thing, but i feel this is the first time i didnt just ignore him and everything that is happening but i stood up to him.
He was on his way to the house to stay overnight and wake up with the boys and i said as we are telling them on saturday i think the whole staying overnight isnt appropriate really and its odd for me, i simply deserve better as a person and a woman than to have my husband who is seeing someone else sleep every now and again at our marital home.
He did attempt to Go into we are not together anymore, and i said great. (I mean there is no reason to stay here right!)
No idea how this will unravel and whilst i will have two grumpy Kids tomorrow morning, it feels good! Not because that made him feel [censored] but because this makes me feel empowered!
Great job on your boundary. Funny how he tried to argue with you but then just made your point.
I've made a lot of mistakes on my journey but I did reach a point where I filed Legal S AND changed the locks and notified him by text. OHHHHH.... he was pissed!!!! But, I didn't back down.
Thank you kit kat, this is the first time in nearly 6 months that i stood my ground! (Well bar that time when i actually asked him to leave, but i was an emotional mess and desperately wanted him to choose to stay!)
I know he was upset and i know he will throw it in my face! That i hAve deprived him of seeing the children.
I did ask him what his thoughts were on the subject of staying over, he said he didnt know. I said ok well there is some thinking to be done then for you. He went into a bit of a convo around we need to agree when the boys will stay with him i said yes we will do that. I have no idea where he is staying tbh and last week all of his clothes were still in his car boot!
I nearly caved in when he said ok well im turning around then. But i didnt and it felt so good to actually set my first boundary, there is no reason for him to stay here at all! I need to detach from him fully and Him coming here is t helping.
If it wasnt for the financial side of things, i would have bought him out and changed the locks too! Need to live through saturday!
With kids be honest but don't go into details that they don't need to know. Tell them mommy and daddy aren't (as much) in love anymore. Tell them you don't know what will happen because you don't. Then LISTEN!!
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Nice job, Gigi!! Keep up the good work-- it is like a muscle and eventually will get more and more automatic, I think.
There's a book on Kindle called How to talk to your kids about divorce by Samantha Rodman. It is skimmable and has phrases to use and phrases to avoid. It was really helpful for me in thinking through all of this.
Do you have any self-care plans to help you focus on yourself and get through til Saturday?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I feel good! Ill have a look at the book to get ready, h was meant to send me something so we can agree on what to say, but nothing, which is the usual scenario.
May- work is so busy, im wiped out after my day, spending a couple of hours with the kids after school, i might just go and work out for a bit Once kids are asleep, or have a bath and a facial mask!
I was worried i will wake up and feel like i screwed up, but i dont!
So i might have mentioned before that my h isnt great with money and just keeps spending, so he is away from tomorrow with ow i would imagine and has asked me for a sum of money from one of our old accounts that arent joint, will return on friday. I sort of feel conflicted, yes they were our accounts, but He has spent his cut of all the money that we had and the very little thats left in there is not his.
Im going to ponder for a bit, but my gut feeling is no. Conscious that whilst he doesn't live at the house he pays for it, so would not want to compromise that for me and the boys.
Financial considerations are legal considerations. This is why you need to talk to a lawyer. You have rights. He has rights. The lawyer will help you navigate the minefield.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It is my money, as he has spent his cut so to speak, he is asking to borrow.....its more around do i take a hard stance of erm no your a grown man and need to manage your own finances. I do have lids to consider and all the school uniforms and winter clothes to buy or do i show empathy for the fact that he maxed out his credit card and will have to csncel his plans with ow because he doesnt have money.....
Ive already had legal advice, this is my personal account and as its small sums Of money, the primary position is 50/50 and then negotiate from there. We dont have official legal involvement as h hasnt actually filed. Solicitor said try and resolve it yourselves first, this is always the first port of call, then legal representation, then mediation and if all fails court, as it would he classed as contested divorce and we would have to appear in court. We are in uk, so all slightly different here i guess.
Gigi, I agree with Steve. At this point, you need to protect yourself as he is not going to do that for you.
Why do you feel the need to even consider this request? I got stuck in trying to 'play nice' in the hope that I would get what I want/needed, but that approach does not work with people who are prioritizing other people over their family. Protect yourself, protect your kids. If he takes away the mortgage and bills money, then you get legal help immediately.
Also, on to telling the kids: there is so much online and in books about what to say. I spent hours in IC and MC coming up with the 'right' things to say (and we had to tell the kids a few times as H came back and left again, promising them he would never divorce me ever, at some point in the middle). After all that 'practice', I learned the best approach is simple facts that don't carry much emotional weight and letting the kids lead with questions. I have an aversion to saying things like 'mummy and daddy are not in love anymore' or 'daddy doesn't love mummy anymore' because to kids it makes love seem arbitrary and what if you suddenly stop loving them?
Sticking to a line like 'You know how Daddy hasn't been around very much lately? Well Daddy is moving out for good. But you will still see him xxx and xxx days and we both love you so, so much. Any questions?' Less is more, let the kids lead. They really don't want to know the nitty gritty details. They also don't want to know who loves whom or not and why. They want to know where they are going to sleep, who will be there after school, how much their life is or isn't going to change and that you two are on the same page. Sticking to the actual facts is an easy way for both of you to be on the same page.
Good luck with all you have ahead of you today and on Saturday! (((Gigi)))
Thanks sage, i haven’t responded to him and my initial reaction is hell no! But i wanted to sense check i guess, that my senses and stance are the right ones.
I dont think he will stop paying for things, he is too scared of people opinions of him and his reputation as a family man is ever so important to him....
Thank you, really helpful info re kids, im going to have to put something together just to make sure that my emotions dont drive this!
Doing well so far, looking forward to the evening workout! And Saturday will be good, i know it will be because i will make it good for the kids.
I dont think he will stop paying for things, he is too scared of people opinions of him and his reputation as a family man is ever so important to him....
You've never dealt with a WS before. Do not put anything past him. ANYTHING. This is why you need to make sure you are protected. Many a too-trusting LBS has been burnt by the WS's capacity to give up on all of their previous held beliefs and values. Learn from the mistakes of others.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So told the boys today. Managed to agree on something that was similar. S5 can i be done with my dinner and watch minecraft. S6 really upset, like i could see his brain processing it has caused him heartbreak.
H still same sob story, i have been sleeping in the car, at ows, at sisters, we need to sell the house and so on.
Apparently its the best decision for all of us and the kids and 6 months down the line they will be very happy living between two homes.
So told the boys today. Managed to agree on something that was similar. S5 can i be done with my dinner and watch minecraft. S6 really upset, like i could see his brain processing it has caused him heartbreak.
H still same sob story, i have been sleeping in the car, at ows, at sisters, we need to sell the house and so on.
Apparently its the best decision for all of us and the kids and 6 months down the line they will be very happy living between two homes.
Sorry for all that crap... seriously??? Why is he sleeping in his car and not at OW's all the time???
When I kicked out H he would stay at OW's sometimes but mostly couch surfed at a male friends house... why??? OW only had a 1 bedroom apt and not enough room... WHATEVER... maybe you should have chosen someone in a higher income bracket to sleep with... LMAO!!!
I did NOT feel bad for him. It was his choice for sure but I was done with the disrespect and I certainly wasn't going to hold his hand while he made plans to vacate and leave me.
I did NOT feel bad for him. It was his choice for sure but I was done with the disrespect and I certainly wasn't going to hold his hand while he made plans to vacate and leave me.
Hmmmmmm. This seems like a perfect example in actions and words not matching up. Sorry KK.
Thanks kk, 40 minutes of bedtime tears from both boys, not understand why this is happening with them, s6 devastated, so many questions.
I feel so sad for them.
Re H i would usually feel for him, and i could have offered him to stay, but i didnt. I have already set the boundary and tbh i could do with the space from him.
Ow lives with mum and dad! I dont even believe he stayed there. Thats a very strange set up! Considering the amount of money he spends on outings with her.
So many thoughts right now. I pushed to tell the boys, i dont know if it was right but its done now, devastation is caused and whilst our speech was very to the point, the questions to me at bedtime unraveled the story for the kids, they know that h chose to leave, i have tried to reassure as much as i could, dont know if I did a good job or not. His reassurance seems to be around getting the kids excited about having two gardens and so on, new toys. And thats great, but they cant be constantly distracted with new stuff, someone needs to talk them through their feelings.
Getting The house valued tomorrow and have an appt with fin.advisor on Thursday. That shoUld provide a full picture of where im at and what i can afford.
6 months tomorrow, im half way there. I have given all this to play out until march 2021. From where we are now things wont change, he wont change. He wont fight for our marriage. And thats fine, i will be fine with that, in getting there.
Gigi - I'm so sorry, that must have been soooo hard for you to watch your kids feeling sad. After we told the boys (more like me, even though H was there he barely said anything), I did some research and bought a few books that have a divorce storyline and read them to my boys. I don't know if that helped, but I just wanted them to know that this happens to other families also. The best thing you can do it be the stable parent, keep reassuring them that you will always be there supporting them forever.
We havent mentioned d word, they are too little to understand the extent of what that means. I barely slept. I asked h yesterday to send me the address where his new amazing house and nothing.
But he has told the boys all about it and said maybe i can sell our big house and boys can live closer To his house (its not even his or a rental, its his sisters partners property)
H had the boys today and took them to his brothers, and my assumption would be that he would want to soend quality time with the boys after we told them because thats what i would want to do you know make sure they are ok, but he took Ow with him. I have no words anymore for this man really, im just grieving my husband who doesnt exist anymore and the sooner i go through the process the better.
I know that must be really painful to see your kids go through that. We haven't had a talk with mine just yet but they are all so confused and hurt. Just continue being there for them. You are their stability and I promise they will notice that.
Thanks Rachel, i think most of this is my emotions really And me feeling sorry for the kids thats it. They are handling things well and know they can speak to me and they do. I would suggest telling your kids, maybe something along the lines of, mummy and daddy dont get along very well and not living together at the moment. I actually feel a relief now that we have told them, it means i can stop lying to them, avoiding the truth. Things are simpler this way in terms of my relationship with them.
Hi Gigi, just chiming in to say that you are strong and capable and that it’s ok to feel everything you’re feeling right now. I struggled with projecting my thoughts and feelings on my children— it turned out that the things I was worried about didn’t come to pass and the things I didn’t expect did. Keep following your intuition, loving and supporting those kiddos and being the best Gigi you can be right now. I am sure that there is a lot of hurt, feelings of rejection and sadness that don’t translate into this forum, so I wanted to let you know that you are seen and we understand. ((Gigi))
Thank you Sage and you are right, i caught myself thinking all sort of things that could haven almost like writing the future and i had to stop myself and remind that life has this strange way of working and what i think might happen never will.
I have a question, so the place where my h was meant to stay didnt materialise or more so a very strange turn of events meant that it was no longer available, so this morning i woke up to h in the kitchen! He sais he txt asking if he could have a shower, i dodnt receive any txt, and i just woke up Anyways.
So i feel very cruel of course and sorry for him and i dont know what to do, do i just ignore the situation that he is sleeping in the car?! And not ask any questions? It do i just let it all go and let him be.
I have a question, so the place where my h was meant to stay didnt materialise or more so a very strange turn of events meant that it was no longer available, so this morning i woke up to h in the kitchen! He sais he txt asking if he could have a shower, i dodnt receive any txt, and i just woke up Anyways.
So i feel very cruel of course and sorry for him and i dont know what to do, do i just ignore the situation that he is sleeping in the car?! And not ask any questions? It do i just let it all go and let him be.
IMO - I wouldn't let him stay there. He's a grown man who can figure it out. Let him. To go back on your boundary would enable him and I don't think you want to do that.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I agree, i sat on it for a bit, just asked if everything was ok casually And he said yes, so that means he doesnt need help and if he wanted something surely he would ask.......
But yes he is a grown man and actually has other options where to stay, he has his family not far away.
Kids are so much smarter than we give them credit for. LBSs always worry about whether or not kids will know which parent is at fault. They will. Even if not right away.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Did you let the school know whats happening? Today s6 said in front of headteacher oh thats my papa he doesnt live with us anymore. H picked up the kids from school. Obv headteacher came over straight away and asked if there is anything the school can support with, and my h said that he doesnt live with us because of work. When dropping the kids off just said he didnt know if that was ok and if I wanted to tell the school the truth.
Good point, its a tiny village school and s6 obviously speaks about it openly so will raise questions, i guess they are trying to be helpful in case if he is struggling.
Personally I wouldn't tell them anything unless your son's grades start to suffer. Then I would let the teacher know that there is stress at home. But then I tend to be a very private person.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Im incredibly private too but i also dont like lying to people and if the teacher approached me and asked i would say something like yes H and i are separated.
Just feels a bit stupid now that he has said that he is not living with us because of work.
I told preschool but not D6's school. I will probably tell school when everything is final.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
I think if the teacher approaches me and asks then i will do, if not leave it be unless there is an issue.
I find it strange that he didnt just say it how it is, this is reality.
I have another question re h birthday.
His birthday Is on the same day as S6, well we have a holiday booked abroad for their birthdays, but obviously H isnt going. I wont be buying him a present obviously, however a card from the kids appropriate? And a happy birthday when the kids facetime him on the day?
The thing is he is very amicable and i know some of his behaviours are extreme or well strange to me. Financially he Has gone without to make sure that we are ok. Its not to say that i think he is a decent bloke, no i think he has done a pretty terrible thing to his family.
I was wondering if he was Temp checking today, he asked what are weekend plans where, and as i explained what they were he said he would like to se the boys on saturday afternoon, but recognises that i dont want him hanging about tue house all the time. I said no problem, great i can make plans. No idea if it was genuine or whether he doesnt want me here or wants to understand if i want him here, matters not, im free for the afternoon!
House going up for sale hopefully next week. Its sad but needed. Im in the process of looking at properties to buy for me and the boys. Its another step towards a total split of everything. I dont see recon on the cards any longer, i wonder if any reconed after splitting all assets. I just need to make sure the kids and i are ok.
Gigi, My S6 and husband both share a birthday also, tomorrow. Funny coincidence. I am getting ready to navigate the birthday weekend with him for that so should be interesting. I think you could gently remind them it is his birthday the day of and let them decide whether to make a card, etc.
That will be tricky, at least im going to be in a different country. I think i will prompt them at the shops to choose a card each for him and write in it and we will leave them behind for him to open.
Do you know Steve, out by 23:00 latest and usually up at 6am with the kids!
I must say im finding myself stressed, like in a constant state of stress and in not even noticing it anymore. I feel like there is still so much unresolved and the prospect of being responsible for a house and being a sole owner with no back up is scary. Im just not sure i can go on like this for the next 2 years you know and its been 6 months only and we are so clearly moving towards selling the house and D in the end.
Today has been emotional, i for some reason got upset once H left after our conversation about selling the house. I want to sell the house, it makes sense, its actually too big for me to maintain and it needs renovation and i wouldn't have that cash anyway. So logic says it needs to happen and what will happen after will happen and outside of my control, all i control i what type of house i buy. I found it a little controlling on his part to pry about my work and whether i have been going for jobs that bring in more money. I will do eventually but at the moment im not in a place to take on more responsibility at work anyway. I no longer know where he is at or where he is living, but he is certainly portraying a picture of someone who is content.
Last edited by job; 09/25/2009:06 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
