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A Message from Michele
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4 weeks separated #2901682
08/09/20 04:05 PM
08/09/20 04:05 PM
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 65
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rachel75 Offline OP
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rachel75  Offline OP
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Posts: 65
Hi,
I have been married to my H for almost 9 years (together for a couple of years before that) and we have 3 kids together. We have had a rocky relationship and I have asked him to go to counseling over the last few months especially but he thinks it is pointless. 4 weeks ago we had an argument that ended in him leaving, saying he wants a divorce. Since then he has been back a handful of times to see the kids. At first I was doing all the begging, pleading, etc. but have laid off in the last 2 weeks and do not initiate contact. I also have not asked anything else about the marriage or his life. It has been very difficult because I work part time and homeschool and am the one taking care of the 3 kids while his out doing who knows what. Then he gets to pop in and be the "fun parent" and play with them. He has not started divorce paperwork, but has been saying he will for weeks. I have read the book and am familiar with the 180. Any further advice would be great!

Re: 4 weeks separated [Re: rachel75] #2901711
08/09/20 08:40 PM
08/09/20 08:40 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,712
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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job  Offline

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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,712
Southern Maryland
rachel,

I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome posting. Please visit the links when you have a moment. They have lots of invaluable info in them.

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Last edited by Cadet; Mon Jun 15 2020 08:23 AM.
Me-66, D33,S32


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: 4 weeks separated [Re: rachel75] #2901713
08/09/20 08:44 PM
08/09/20 08:44 PM
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 211
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Gigi123 Offline
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Rachel

So sorry you are here. Im 4.5 months in and just had the D convo and looks like my H has started papers.

As a mum to two kids and having experienced what you have, i would say concentrate on your kids and you. Take time to have a relationship with them. Mine has become amazing over this period of time.

Its tough, keep busy, but if you have someone to help With the kids accept the help. I dont and there were days at the beginning where i could have really done With support, so i could be at home on my own For a bit.

How are you feeling?

Re: 4 weeks separated [Re: rachel75] #2901714
08/09/20 08:51 PM
08/09/20 08:51 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,617
Colorado
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Thornton Offline
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Colorado
Sorry youíre here, Rachel.

Itís highly likely your H is having an affair. Is that a deal-breaker for you?

Iím regards to what you should be doing, I think you are now on the right track. Stay NC unless itís about your children.
Do you have any family that could assist with your kids so you can take a break or go out and do something for yourself?

Re: 4 weeks separated [Re: rachel75] #2901719
08/09/20 10:13 PM
08/09/20 10:13 PM
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 65
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rachel75 Offline OP
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rachel75  Offline OP
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Thank you for the responses. I do know he is speaking to someone else, but claims it is innocent and that she has been through something similar recently and they "get along." We have been through him cheating before so it would not surprise me. In the past I said if it happened again, it would be a deal breaker but I honestly don't know if that is true. That sounds terrible when I say it aloud/type it. I have been doing my best to stop tracking him via our joint google acounts/bank accounts, etc but it is hard. I am also really hurting seeing our kids confused and hurting with him being gone. They just dont understand what is going on (they are 3, 6, 8 years old). He has proposed a possible custody plan-where he has the kids every other weekend and will see them sometimes in between when we agree on it. What should I do in the interim? Do I just leave when he has them on "his weekend?" (at our house) Do I let him come at in between times/do I just leave and give him space when that happens. Really having a hard time keeping my shi* together for my kids.

Re: 4 weeks separated [Re: rachel75] #2901799
08/10/20 11:51 PM
08/10/20 11:51 PM
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 65
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rachel75 Offline OP
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Found out he is also using something called Dust app, which is like a secretive texting app that deletes everything.

Re: 4 weeks separated [Re: rachel75] #2901800
08/10/20 11:52 PM
08/10/20 11:52 PM
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 65
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rachel75 Offline OP
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I have not been around him so wouldn't even be able to check his phone, so not sure why he feels this is necessary. smirk

Re: 4 weeks separated [Re: rachel75] #2901802
08/11/20 12:08 AM
08/11/20 12:08 AM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,242
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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NY
Originally Posted by rachel75
I have not been around him so wouldn't even be able to check his phone, so not sure why he feels this is necessary. smirk

Think like a teenager


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: 4 weeks separated [Re: rachel75] #2901805
08/11/20 12:36 AM
08/11/20 12:36 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,869
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CWarrior Offline
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Originally Posted by Rachel
It has been very difficult because I work part time and homeschool and am the one taking care of the 3 kids while his out doing who knows what. Then he gets to pop in and be the "fun parent" and play with them.

Hi Rachel,

Sorry to hear about your situation, and the likely affair. smirk A couple things crossed my mind. I know they're not your key questions at this point--just food for though.

First, if being the 100% parent is new to you, do finances allow you to hire help so you can take breaks? This could be childcare so you can go out solo--but it could also be a cleaning service or a laundry service. Anything that allows you a break!

Second, if he's leaving you with most of the childcare responsibilities, he would be expected to pay big in a divorce. If he's not paying for the home or some other reasonable amount now, I'd consider filing for temporary support payments before long.


May'19 - Girlfriend of 2yrs left. Aug'19 - We became a "broken" couple (I needed validation, she screamed). Dec'19 - We gave up and went NC. Mar'20 - I've changed and she's eager for MC and us again.
Re: 4 weeks separated [Re: CWarrior] #2901809
08/11/20 01:20 AM
08/11/20 01:20 AM
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 65
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rachel75 Offline OP
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rachel75  Offline OP
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I have normally been the one doing most of the parenting-I have been homeschooling since my eldest (now 8) was in Kindergarten and I also take care of 99 percent of household tasks and clean houses part time. I only bring in a few hundred a month from that, so it is not enough to hire help. But I do have a good support system in place with our families. His parents know somewhat what is going on and are extremely supportive of me and ready to help in any way they can. We are still sharing an income since he just moved out a month ago and I have always been the one to control the finances, so he wouldn't even know how to log into our bank accounts. He did inquire about our finances today because he is looking into getting an apartment in the near future.

I really just can't believe it is over. But can't bring myself to back off/stop fighting completely when we see each other. This is really hard.

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