I am in a really good place at the moment. The fierce anger cleansed me of the sadness/depression surrounding my situation and I feel like I have moved steadily in the direction of compassion towards myself, my children and H. I feel very detached in a solid way right now and I am so grateful for this. I haven't cried in almost two weeks and that is a huge development for me.
H had the kids this weekend for the first time in three weeks. The kids struggled to go, but once they were there it went just fine. I had a chance to go to the mountains before the snow starts and did some amazing fall hiking with my mom. It was magical and nature is always the best healer.
Here is where I am struggling and I would love perspective and advice: I have been warm and compassionate towards H this past week or so and I haven't let anything he does or says impact my interactions with him. I am able to validate and truly treat him as I would a friendly neighbor. However, he is very inconsistent. One minute he is kind and the next he is shark-eyed and can't make eye contact and tries to blame me for minuscule things.
Although I am feeling detached and can let a lot of this roll off my back, it is exhausting and extremely hard for me to be around him. I have the tiniest toehold into my own healing and rebuilding my self-worth and I am desperate to maintain that toehold.
Our eldest has a birthday coming up and wants a big (Covid 'big', mind you) party at my house. It will include the families in our bubble, who have been a huge support to me and my children in this whole process. H wants to come. I don't want him to. I want to be able to relax and enjoy myself with my friends while my kids get to be with their friends. I don't want to risk having interactions with H where I will feel hurt, triggered or sensitive. So far, we are 2 for 2 with the kids' birthday events leading to a negative interaction between us.
I can't remember the last birthday of eldest child's that H was actually here. So it is really not a big deal to my child whether H is there or not. They would have time together earlier in the day.
So, I guess my question is this: should I set aside my needs to accommodate his feelings/desire to be included? I feel like this is what I have done all along and I am not sure I am better off for it. But on the flip side, I would be devastated to not be included in something like this if the roles were reversed. However, I would have never chosen to leave in the first place, so there is an element of 'he chose this'.
Everything you wrote about your concerns about the BD party is valid. You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for your H deciding to have an affair and leave. Not being invited to family birthday parties at your ex's home is one very small consequence of doing what he did. I really think this is another example of you shouldering the extra emotional burden-- the difficulty of the situation itself and perhaps it causing backsliding in your own healing-- just so that your H doesn't feel badly and suffer the consequences of his own choices.
Also... don't do the "if the roles were reversed" thing here. I don't think that makes sense when you're dealing with someone like your H who has made the choices he's made. He has missed birthdays and even the BIRTH of a child before! It doesn't matter to him like it would matter to you, beyond the "he made his bed" part of it, which might feel a little yucky/petty to you right now. (though there is a part of me that feels the more you enable his cake-eating, the longer before he is motivated to do any work on himself. And for you, the longer that shark-eyed version of him is around, the worse off you'll be in coparenting with him and sharing a business together.)
Don't do it. You deserve a fun and stress-free birthday party for your oldest child. There is enough stress in the world right now that if you can carve out a little time just to have fun, you should. Remember how terribly he behaved at the last one?
If it is too hard to think about doing it for yourself, do it for your kids. You know you're a better parent when you are feeling detached and compassionate and whole and healthy. Say no to your H as a gift to them.
(((Sage)))
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I agree. Having to celebrate holidays separately is the price you pay for separation.
I remember, the first Thanksgiving after my ex left. (Mind you, he left in early February and we're in the US so this was 9 months later). Divorce papers were filed in February and the divorce was in process. I was living with my mom as our house had been sold.
And my ex asked our adult kids (then 17-22) if he was invited to Thanksgiving at my mom's house!!!!!
Now first of all - my mom would have glared at him all day as she was mad as heck at him for cheating on me.
Second, we were not reconciling nor was this a "mutual" divorce - by what right did he think he would be welcome at our house?
Honestly, I think it just dawned on him that he was gonna miss out on the awesome Thanksgiving dinner that I had always prepared (with no help from him! He always went surfing Thanksgiving morning because it was uncrowded - uh, yeah, because good husbands were home helping their wives!!!)
I gave a strong "No!" or maybe "He!! no!" to that. We have split or alternated Thanksgivings since (although lately my ex has chosen to be out of town over Thanksgiving).
Honestly, at this point, I'd be happy to invite him and his wife over for Thanksgiving dinner - EXCEPT for the fact that he has treated the kids (and me, financially) so poorly since the divorce. So nope. Not invited. That's the consequences of cheating on your wife and dumping her after 26 years and then being a selfish father to your adult children for years. Not happening.
You have a hard fought toehold right now. Haven’t cried in two weeks. You are rebuilding and healing. And you recognize you are not ready for a day with H, celebrating a birthday or otherwise.
I know you feel kind of mixed up on this. That’s ok.
Celebrate your eldest child’s birthday and let H do whatever birthday celebration he will or won’t.
If H’s presence would not affect you so, like maybe next year, yes you could include Dad on the invitee list. Currently, this year, no, you need to remain dim.
If you were to really be considering inviting H, I’d ask eldest’s if they wanted Dad at their party. Mind you, their wishes need to be acknowledged then - yes or no. Again, this year, I wouldn’t ask eldest nor invite H.
Have the “Covid big” party. Pin the tail. Eat cake and ice cream. And enjoy the day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Mat, KML and DnJ, thank you for the words of support and solidarity. It means a lot to me.
This evening, the birthday party came up and I told H that it was too hard for me. After a long, sad pause he asked what was so hard about it and I said that I was working on finding my balance again and that it is just too hard to spend prolonged periods of time together at my house.
He didn't take it well. At first he was understanding and kind, but then later in the conversation (we had other business to discuss) he got petty and mean and told me 'we're not friends!'. Which I in turn reacted by saying, that's the reason it doesn't make sense for you to be present at the birthday party. We are not friends. Only friends are coming to this party.
But underneath it all, I know he is so devastated.
Which makes me want to cry and makes me question everything... I know I can lead the way to a better R with H by taking it all on the chin, by continuing to be the bigger person and include him in everything. But doing so would require me to stuff down my needs. Which I have done for so long in this R, and look where it got me? Into a S heading towards D. As hard as this is, it is the closest I can come to a 180 in our R. Right?
This is on the heels of a friend mentioning that H had the kids at a birthday party this weekend while I was away, and that he chose to sit far away from the other parents, in a sad way. He knows he is not welcome.
Someone please tell me I am not a monster and not doing the wrong things. I have spent so long putting H's emotional needs above my own, this feels very, very uncomfortable to me.
These are the consequences of leaving your marriage. He needs to see what this is going to cost him. And you shouldn’t have to suffer so his itty bitty feelings won’t be hurt by facing reality!
Perversely, he’s more likely to return if he feels the loss now, than if you make it easy for him.
And no, friends don’t rip your heart out like he did yours.
Which makes me want to cry and makes me question everything... I know I can lead the way to a better R with H by taking it all on the chin, by continuing to be the bigger person and include him in everything.
Nope. You cannot lead the way by taking it on the chin. You lead the way by standing, and standing up, for you.
It is up to H if he follows or not.
You cannot “nice” him back. He needs to feel what he will loose, and has lost.
Good for you telling him we’re not friends - my friends don’t do what you did. A few truth darts here and there do hit their mark, and they hurt - his choice, his consequences.
You have shown much kindness and compassion in this exchange with H. Sometimes the most compassionate thing you can do is be honest and truthful; with good honourable intent at the root of things.
Asking if you’re a monster shows you are not. Monsters don’t question.
You are doing the right thing. Keep moving forward. Focus on you and your kids.
You’ve got this Sage.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Well, it didn’t take H long to challenge me on my ‘no’. I had a dr appt this morning and he was supposed to come over and get the kids started on their school zoom calls. He texted to say he had overslept and was running late. He doesn’t sleep when he’s stressed or emotional so that was a cue that I had a conversation coming.
When I got home from my appt, he told me he has been thinking about the party and wanted to strongly advocate for coming, if only for a little bit. That we didn’t have to interact or talk (?!?) and that it was important for him to be there for our eldest, especially as other dads were going to be there. I pushed back on the ‘we won’t interact’ saying that is EXACTLY what I don’t want to experience. That it makes me feel sad and hurt and that just doesn’t work for me.
I didn’t bring up eldest’s birthday last year when he finished up a job and went out clubbing with his crew instead of flying home to us or being available to talk and connect with the kids. Meanwhile I was trick or treating alone with the kids. Other dads were at that event.
H also mentioned that he feels like I am doing this only to punish him. I put my hand on my heart and lovingly said I am so sorry he feels like that but nothing could be further from the truth. That I had to protect me and my heart.
We got interrupted by kids so it kind of ended there. But of course I am vacillating (to you guys only!). I have been contemplating my motives ‘am I trying to punish him?’ Or am I just truly protecting myself and my tiny toehold? And I think where I am at now is that I am protecting myself and letting him deal with the consequences of his actions. Which may feel like punishment because I always tried to save him from his sad feelings in the past.
