Here to learn more

[kml]

1) All suffering comes from desire. With his brief moment of clarity the other day, you might have gotten your hopes up a bit about this event then his behavior dashed those hopes. Try to have ZERO expectations of him.

2) You are not obligated to include him in any further events like this. He wants to go off, let him experience what the reality of divorce will be like - separate birthdays, separate holidays. Let the reality of his choices slap him in the face now. Don't make it easy on him. So long as he behaves inappropriately, he doesn't deserve to be around your extended family. Don't allow the disrespect.

[Sage4]

1) All suffering comes from desire. With his brief moment of clarity the other day, you might have gotten your hopes up a bit about this event then his behavior dashed those hopes. Try to have ZERO expectations of him.

2) You are not obligated to include him in any further events like this. He wants to go off, let him experience what the reality of divorce will be like - separate birthdays, separate holidays. Let the reality of his choices slap him in the face now. Don't make it easy on him. So long as he behaves inappropriately, he doesn't deserve to be around your extended family. Don't allow the disrespect.

KML, thank you for your wise words. I really didn't take the apology as a set back for my expectations. Unfortunately, H has boomeranged on me so many times that I know what to expect now (expect nothing).

It was the prolonged exposure that did me in. To see the H in physical form that is emotionally gone.

My Dad has been saying for months: what's best for mama, is best for the kids. And this recent birthday made me finally understand it. That it is not in my kids' best interest for me to be emotionally devastated for days, even if I am being discreet. That he chose to leave because it was 'best for him and therefore best for the kids'. So why can't I show the same boundary? And to be honest, he has missed many, many, many birthdays over the years (including a birth) for the sake of his career, so it is not like the kids have a huge expectation of his presence anyway. Thank you for the additional reminder that it is OK to do what is best for me.

[may22]

Hi Sage,

It sounds like this was a $hitty lesson to learn, but also terrific that you were able to parse through what happened, why it wasn't OK, and take from it the ability to set stronger boundaries the next time around. it sounds like he was being a real @ss too... but maybe that is a blessing in disguise, since it probably helped to underscore just how much he's changed and makes it easier. It probably would have been more difficult if he was loving and attentive and then still walked out the door and didn't look back at the end of the evening.

I was just reflecting as i read this, though, about your H missing so many birthdays and even a birth!! holy cow!! and yet gets to swan in for a family birthday party after deserting his wife and children and thinks he should get gold stickers for what a great dad he is for being there. It is just gross, honestly. It is a privilege to be in your presence and one he hasn't earned.

It's nice over here in MLC, btw.

xx M

[DnJ]

Good Morning Sage

Your H’s bar talk comments reminded me of my XW’s talk, before she went all silent. She told and flaunted her affair before me, the kids, friends, the town. During one of her morning visits, she actually she told me and son that she just had sex with OM 30 minutes ago, so that takes care of the aldutry so we can now get a quick divorce. Sheesh.

These MLCers are entitled teens trying to be all confident, brash, bold, and so smug. Yes, there is a lot of sexual innuendo, or outright depictions of their escapades, they like to throw around. Quite a display of immaturity and insecurity when you really look and think about it.

Still, no one really want that around. Especially with children in the room. Of course, crisis people have broken empathy chips, and cannot see things from other people’s perspectives. They do what they feel; consequences, faith, karma will provide the lessons for them to grow up. It takes time.

It is ok to be angry. You need to walk through this part of the journey for as long as it takes. Anger is healing, it leads to better things.

...I don't want to have to suppress my feelings or walk on eggshells just because he is in my space.

You don’t need to suppress your feelings. They are your’s, it’s ok to feel then. Don’t become consumed by them is all.

You do need to feel the anger to release it. Find a good safe healthy way; punching bag, digging the garden, yard work, running, gym, etc.; something to sweat it out of you.

You don’t want to walk on eggshells, and you don’t want to lash out (well you do feel like you want too ). The suggested path is too let the anger out in a controlled manner. You do control you, after all.

Kind and cordial is not an act. And neither is compassionate. However, they are temporarily emotionally usurped due to feelings of anger. Feelings are fleeting. Anger is temporary. Feel it, let it wash over you. Look to your values and beliefs, for it is here that compassion lives.

I want to heal. But gosh, it is so hard right now.

(((Sage)))

You are healing. This is a very good step towards whole and healed. This is counterintuitive; at times the correct path will feel wrong. Have faith, you are on a good path.

D

[Sage4]

Hi May! Yes, it is nice over here. Philosophical. Less judgement. More gentle approach. The insanity of a MLCer really brings out the long term wisdom and sanity of the LBS, so I am grateful to be among these wise people.

I was just reflecting as i read this, though, about your H missing so many birthdays and even a birth!! holy cow!! and yet gets to swan in for a family birthday party after deserting his wife and children and thinks he should get gold stickers for what a great dad he is for being there. It is just gross, honestly. It is a privilege to be in your presence and one he hasn't earned.

You have highlighted an example of my continued enabling. I knew going into the situation that it likely would end up making me feel the way it did, but I thought that he deserved to treated like he was normal, like he was a good dad. But that is not my job anymore. I don't need to make a soft place for him to land right now. He doesn't want to land anywhere, he just wants to stop, get what he needs to feel like father of the year so he can alleviate some of that guilt and shame. But at the expense of a piece of my soul. So nope, no more.

Your H’s bar talk comments reminded me of my XW’s talk, before she went all silent. She told and flaunted her affair before me, the kids, friends, the town. During one of her morning visits, she actually she told me and son that she just had sex with OM 30 minutes ago, so that takes care of the aldutry so we can now get a quick divorce. Sheesh.

I completely forgot about that happening in your sitch, D. How utterly awful. In front of your son, no less. Gross. You are an absolute saint for listening to that and still being the human that you are. ((D))

These MLCers are entitled teens trying to be all confident, brash, bold, and so smug. Yes, there is a lot of sexual innuendo, or outright depictions of their escapades, they like to throw around. Quite a display of immaturity and insecurity when you really look and think about it.

Still, no one really want that around. Especially with children in the room. Of course, crisis people have broken empathy chips, and cannot see things from other people’s perspectives. They do what they feel; consequences, faith, karma will provide the lessons for them to grow up. It takes time.

I wondered after I heard that comment H made 'has he always been like this? Or even worse, is this the real him and I encouraged a more evolved version of him over the course of our M, one that was not authentic to him?'

Let him live with his choices right now. Step aside.

You don’t need to suppress your feelings. They are your’s, it’s ok to feel then. Don’t become consumed by them is all.

I have been working on this so hard. I have been sleeping on my feelings and re-assessing them in the morning which has been a super helpful practice. There was a book that I read as a teenager called Tuesdays with Morrie about a dying man's perspective on life. And something that book taught me that I have carried with me ever since: feel it, and move on.

Kind and cordial is not an act. And neither is compassionate.

My mantra for the day. Thank you D!

[DnJ]

Good Morning Sage

I have been sleeping on my feelings and re-assessing them in the morning which has been a super helpful practice.

That is an excellent practice!

It’s surprising how much gets sorted out in our slumber.

How is your yard, city, routine going as fall approaches? Myself, I have too many things that should get done before the snow. Hopefully, the weather stays nice into November. It usually doesn’t though. I best plan to the norm, I suppose.

Have a wonderful day.

D

[Kindly]

Hi Sage, thank you Sooo much for the boss analogy...it has been a huge help in reframing my mindset for how I want and deserve to be treated.

I’ve been quietly reading along as many of our posts are intermingled and the advice given to one often helps many.

(As you said...) Seeing H in physical form when he’s not himself mentally or emotionally has been very tough on me this week too. I try to follow Dnj’s advice of allowing feelings to wash over me, but it’s the never ending questions and analysis of the situation that is allowing the feelings to flare up every so often. Do you find yourself trying to “make sense of it” still, find some kind of answers?

I wondered after I heard that comment H made 'has he always been like this? Or even worse, is this the real him and I encouraged a more evolved version of him over the course of our M, one that was not authentic to him?'

This too. This is a reoccurring thought for me, but I talk myself down by thinking it and then letting it go as best I can. Even IF this was true ...what is there to do about it now? I guess if we exhibited controlling behaviour we could learn from that. But wow, that makes me think what kind of power, and mind control we must contain to be able to influence, change and control someone’s authentic self! ....is it even possible???

You are doing well (((Sage)))!

[Sage4]

D, what a lovely way to reframe and readjust our mental state: think about the natural world, our surroundings and tuning in to the comfort of the cycles of our seasons.

The wildfire smoke that blew in from other areas has finally left our region and this morning it is rainy and fall-like outside. The children came inside from their first real outdoor escapade since the smoke with an armload of fall leaves in the most beautiful hues. We will make a garland out of the most beautiful ones to decorate the windows, as we do each year. Today's plans include tea with friends, picking up windfall apples and making applesauce and going for a walk in the woods. I love fall.

Do you find yourself trying to “make sense of it” still, find some kind of answers?

Oh Kindly, yes I do, all the time. Once I stop trying to understand and make sense of it all, then I will know I have truly moved on. When my phone browser is filled with open pages of recipes, kids' activities and my usual psycho-spiritual explorations instead of search results for 'MLC husband' and mental conditions, then I will KNOW I have well and truly dropped the rope. But I am not there yet. I am not sure it is doing me any good (see my journal notes below), but my rational mind needs some threads to cling on to remind me that it is not my fault.

But wow, that makes me think what kind of power, and mind control we must contain to be able to influence, change and control someone’s authentic self! ....is it even possible??

Kindly, thank you for this reminder this morning. You are absolutely right. And this comment of yours leads back into the framework of it being about them and not about us. Because I do not believe that we are capable of that level of mind control (how scary if we were!). And who would want that power anyway? That would be a very lopsided and awkward relationship and I doubt I would be attracted to someone who let me control them so much.

Journaling...

This week was a hard one. It began with how long it took me to emotionally recover from the birthday visit with H. I got my strength back and then we had to interact for a homeschooling situation where I was really let down by H (he promised availability a long time ago for a critical transition, but then during the event he got distracted by work without telling me and spewed at me when I asked him to please, please help me like he said he would).

Then my eldest brought up how they know H has a secret, that H talks to a woman late at night and it makes them really uncomfortable and it is one of the reasons they don't want to go to H's house. I wrote H a long email about all of this, didn't send it, but woke up the next morning needing some discussion around it all. So I asked H if we could talk and it started about our child, but ended up about us.

He told me he is not obligated to share anything about his love life (he's right), but I ended up asking him for the truth so I could have some clarity and closure. He refused that too and told me that he is not in charge of my closure or moving on (also correct). However, I got the answers I needed: he has a love life to hide; and he has directly given me permission to create a boundary so I can find closure and move on (which for me is going to be NC, no hanging out at my home, no shared family events for the time being). Sad for me that I needed his permission for this. Something to work on from here on forward.

In our conversation, H mentioned that I had left some old journals 'laying around open' and he read one from 21 years ago when I was a teenager exploring my feelings for a BF at the time. H used this as evidence that I never really loved him because I told him I only ever felt that way about him. So I must have been lying and not loved him all these years. He also found a more recent journal 'open' and this was an exercise given to me by a healer about putting energy and intention into your future self when you are wallowing in your present pain. So I wrote about the things I wanted in a R. This also was used as an example of how I must not really have ever loved him.

Our journey started roughly a year ago and the reasons H is leaving our M have morphed over this time:

I had too many downfalls (heavy stepping being one of them, KML) > we never had a spark > I was miserable for the past year > wait! I was miserable our entire relationship > we just don't click > you made me feel so much guilt about leaving the family for work > you are manipulative, abusive, controlling and always have been > actually, this is because YOU never loved ME!

Of course, there is a lot in-between, and then the randomly sprinkled reconciliation attempts were also in there, when the slate would be wiped clean for a moment.

But help me, wise ones, as I ponder this from the MLC perspective: is the arc of his narrative reflective of his inner turmoil, or is he truly trying to get me to be the one to leave him and keeps taking stabs at whatever he thinks may work? I will stand for the former, but would likely give him want he wants if it's the latter.

xx

[DnJ]

Hello Sage

Garland crafted from the best coloured leaves strung from the widows sounds lovely. Fall is a beautiful time of year.

Then my eldest brought up how they know H has a secret, that H talks to a woman late at night and it makes them really uncomfortable and it is one of the reasons they don't want to go to H's house.

Take away the power of the secret.

Thank your eldest for letting you know how Dad’s late night talking to another woman makes them (not just him) feel uncomfortable. Let them know it is now not a secret between us - you and them. They can ask or say whatever they need to about it, to you. You all know, so it’s not a secret here.

It looses its power this way. The kids are free from this draining feeling.

He told me he is not obligated to share anything about his love life (he's right), but I ended up asking him for the truth so I could have some clarity and closure. He refused that too and told me that he is not in charge of my closure or moving on (also correct).

Of course H clammed up and wouldn’t admit his fling or state the facts; the “truth” is different depending upon viewpoint.

However, I got the answers I needed: he has a love life to hide; and he has directly given me permission to create a boundary so I can find closure and move on (which for me is going to be NC, no hanging out at my home, no shared family events for the time being). Sad for me that I needed his permission for this. Something to work on from here on forward.

I see this interaction differently. You sought, and gave opportunity for H to be open and honest. Of course you received the non-answer behaviour you suspected (expected ?) you would.

You did not get permission from H with this interaction. You got permission from you. Permission to move forward and let go. It was never his permission you were seeking - it was your’s.

You have given yourself permission to create those healthy boundaries and move forward (not move on, not yet, dig deeper, I know you got more within you). Go NC, no hanging out at your home, and such, just like you said.

You are not sitting around being Plan B. Let him go and let him feel the loss of you.

Sorry about H reading you private journals. His “interpretation” is crafted to further his justifications. It is projection of his past pain upon you, for he cannot face it upon himself. Oh, a person in crisis is such a mess.

But help me, wise ones, as I ponder this from the MLC perspective: is the arc of his narrative reflective of his inner turmoil, or is he truly trying to get me to be the one to leave him and keeps taking stabs at whatever he thinks may work? I will stand for the former, but would likely give him want he wants if it's the latter.

A few thoughts:

Why is your stand contingent upon what H feels? His feelings flit and reinforce quickly; they are cranked to 11. It is never a good idea to make decision based upon your feelings, it is way worse to base them upon his.

Why do you see this as either/or? Why do you see these as separate? Both are true and both are false. His feelings change constantly. Look to your beliefs for guidance, not H.

Yes, H is trying to get you to do the heavy lifting. To take the bait and get mad. He will push your buttons, hoping you will do what he “feels” will make him feel better but he cannot yet do from guilt or shame or whatever. The less pressure from you, the more time for him to reflect and hopefully work through “his” issues.

His issues and all the talking shots at you are from his inner turmoil and his unrealized past and it’s affect upon him. It’s MLC. It’s a messy process. It’s a destructive process.

Let go and seek your beliefs. Strengthen and craft those you want and admire, and alter or discard those you don’t.

Stand for you!

Do not “give him what he wants”. You look to yourself and do what you believe. And you take the time to ensure your beliefs are one’s worthy of you. Worthy of the awesome women you are, and the version you will become.

You’ve got plenty of time; it is a gift, use it well.

D

[kml]

A fellow heavy walker! Lolol.

Looking at his list, I’m gonna bet you five dollars right now that he has had an OW from the start of this.

He’s just trying to justify his behavior by turning you into the cause. Trust me, neither your heavy walking or your teenage boyfriend are responsible for his affair.

He doesn’t get to have the illusion of you waiting around as plan B. He doesn’t get to inhabit your home and his separate life. Set those good boundaries and treat him as you would if you were divorced - he needs to see that future.