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#2901647 08/08/20 10:56 PM
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Sage4 Offline OP
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Hi MLC forum!

I am coming over here from the newcomer's forum as I could use some advice and help on how to conduct myself and react to H's perplexing behavior. I know that many people assume MLC when nothing else 'explains' a spouse's behavior, so I am open to the fact that it may or may not be a MLC. But, here is a little recap of my situation:

H and I are approaching 40 we have 4 kids and a business together that requires a lot of travel for H. He has always been slightly insecure and needs people's attention and affection to fill his self-worth (for those of you who follow attachment theory, he is anxiously attached and I am securely attached). H had a rough childhood with a father who told him he was never good enough and a mother who smothered him. They D'd when he was young and he was abandoned (sent to boarding school) at a very young age. We met and married in our mid-20's and had what the whole world thought was a fairytale relationship (me too). We were desperately in love, all of our children were planned and excitedly welcomed into our world, we were a great team.

In the past couple of years, our business has taken off and he has spent most of the past few years traveling while I held down the fort at home. His job is very stressful and about 18 months ago he had a near breakdown (if not a full-fledged one). Since then, things haven't been the same, but I chalked it all up to stress and tried to support him as best I could.

10 months ago I discovered he was having an EA (although highly likely it's a PA) with a married client whom he sees several times a year for work. I lost my mind and did everything wrong. At first he was desperate to please me and maintain what we had ('I love you, my goddess, you are my everything'), then he started vacillating ('I don't know what I want') and now it brings us to today ('I have never ever been happy and I want a D'). He moved out and we are navigating co-parenting our children while he has no work/travel due to Covid.

What I am struggling with most is that he has so much self-pity/pain/guilt/shame that he can't eclipse his own feelings. Although I am recognizing that I can't expect an apology or recognition for how his actions have hurt ME, I have been hoping that he attempts to put aside his own pain for the sake of the children. He takes everything they say and do personally, even construing things they say that have nothing to do with him to being all about him.

Is this part of the MLC process? I see so much of his childhood rearing out in this process (his dad was the same age as H when his dad did the same thing to my MIL). What is my role here? Let him go completely and give the kids a stable, emotionally normal base in my home? Any advice on how to deal with the spewing/blaming one minute and 'why can't we be friends??' the next?

Thank you for reading my story!

Sage

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Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm pasting in Cadet's Welcome posting for this forum. Please take some time and visit the links.


Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Sage,

Sounds like he has all of the ingredients to have a MLC, i.e., childhood issues and his near breakdown has set him on his journey of reliving his past and trying to face those demons that have been stuffed within his soul for such a long time. He will become the mirror image of the man you once knew (exact opposite). Yes, you will see some teenage behavior along the way. Try to remember that this is about him and not you. Always remind yourself that you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. He has to do that himself.

Just as we talk about detachment on Newcomers, you will need to do so here as well. Give him plenty of space and time. Listen closely to what he says and eventually you will be able to sift through what he's saying and begin to get a good idea of where his head is at. They do love to talk if you just sit back and listen. Try not to challenge and/or argue w/him. Do not tell him what you think is wrong w/him.

His MLC will not end any time soon. It could take, 3 or more years and some of the folks experiencing do not come out of it. Some will come out of it just fine and others will retain some of the quirks that they developed during the crisis. Ultimately, you will be the one to decide if you want to stand and hopefully if he returns and wants to reconcile, then you can make that decision.

This is not a sprint, but marathon. Dig deeper for patience and know that we are walking the path w/you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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So dopey you’re here. Your H sounds a bit like mine. In my H’a case, he had one MLC and an affair when he was approaching 40. I DB’d him and we reconciled and actually had several more good years (but unbeknownst to me my kids were always waiting for the other shoe to drop). As he turned 50 it did drop as he went through another MLC and we did divorce. (He

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(He just turned 60 and I wonder how it looks to his current wife??)

Anyway - focus on you and your kids and your life. He may or may not turn around. If he does, great - you’ve had a good time of renewal in the meantime. If he doesn’t - you’re that much closer to your new life.

The kids will test you, maybe even blame you, because you are the “safe” parent - they don’t dare say that stuff to him for fear of losing him. Stay strong and model how to move forward.

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Oh - and this is an unpopular opinion, but one I feel is a moral issue.

You said OW was married. So does this mean her husband doesn’t know about the affair? I know that I would want to know if my spouse was having an affair. Unless you have reason to believe the guy is dangerous, he deserves to know his wife is cheating on him. He deserves to have agency to make key decisions for his own future based on the truth. It may or may not be a strategic decision ( it could break up their marriage, making her more available to your H, or she might try to save her marriage ). But I think it’s just human decency that he deserves to know.

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(And you might want to inform him anonymously so that H can’t blame you for it. It’s a thorny issue and not always the best thing for your marriage but I would feel a duty to another cheated-on spouse).

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Also I’m sorry about the joint business - this always makes things more complicated. Is this a business you can run without him? Would it be possible to buy him out if a divorce actually happened? Or would you be stuck working with your ex?

Most WASs are not in great shape to run a business and he might run it into the ground. Keep an eye on finances, credit reports etc.

kml #2901685 08/09/20 04:41 PM
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Thank you so much for all these thoughts, KML!

I have to start here because I FEEL THE EXACT SAME WAY:

Originally Posted by kml
I know that I would want to know if my spouse was having an affair. Unless you have reason to believe the guy is dangerous, he deserves to know his wife is cheating on him. He deserves to have agency to make key decisions for his own future based on the truth. It may or may not be a strategic decision ( it could break up their marriage, making her more available to your H, or she might try to save her marriage ). But I think it’s just human decency that he deserves to know.


I have been grappling with this issue for months now and it is tearing me apart from a moral standpoint. I would absolutely want to know if OW's H knew and I didn't; and in some ways it feels like I am holding a secret. I would be so grateful if he told me. They too have 4 kids and I am not sure of the state of their marriage, or if he even knows already. My desire to tell him has nothing to do with 'stopping' the EA or blowing things up (if it brings my H and OW closer, good luck to them, I wouldn't want to navigate a relationship built on lies that has 3000 miles and 8 kids between them-- neither can move locations). It has everything to do with not wanting another family to be blown up like mine has. I am still going to sit with this for a little while and make absolutely sure my intent

Regarding our business, H is the 'key man' and it is built upon his skillset. We are an equal property state and it was started in our M so he will have to buy me out when a D happens. I will also get alimony and child support. We have already negotiated that I am keeping the house (and I can afford it for the time being). <<< I love all your wise financial advice, BTW, KML. I have learned so much in what you have posted to Cardinal et al >>>>

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Good Morning Sage

It does sound like your H fits the MLCer behaviour. There is no diagnostic tool that can give you an exact answer, however there are some hallmarks that MLC tends to have. Confusion, back and forth behaviour, reliving their past, and so on.

Your H certainly is confused. His periodic leaving and returning to you; at one point it was every 6 weeks if I recall. Is that still ongoing?

Confused and irrational behaviour from a spouse is pretty standard stuff on this board. H wanting and waiting to be invited to your upcoming birthday fits right in. You did tell him no, right?

Focus on you, is very important. You must continue to focus upon yourself while moving forward. A MLCer’s changing behaviour will drive you bonkers if you don’t detach.

MLCer’s come in three flavours or types. The vanisher, like my XW, they take off and you barely ever hear from them. The clinger, they just stick like static socks from the dryer. And the boomerang, like your H, I’m leaving, I’m back, repeat.

Usually they remain as one certain type.

The next thing is severity, speed, how hot they burn, how fast they run. High energy or wallow. Both still exhibit running behaviours. A MLCer who tends to the wallowing end of the spectrum may take longer to pull the trigger on something or seem to remain stuck in a behaviour. A high energy MLCer, like my XW, may jump quick at decisions to try to alleviate their torment. My XW, for example, dropped the bomb, dumped the kids, and moved in with OM - all after Thanksgiving supper. In two months we were legally separated. She is a bit rare, mind you. smile

The MLCer, no matter the type, is depressed. They have suffered some trauma, long before you ever new them. Back in childhood or teenage years, from a person in a position of authority. This trauma was far too much for them and they buried it. Emotions buried will haunt you, later.

Of course, you, and they, didn’t know about this long buried and forgotten trauma. Around midlife, as the pressures of mortality, work, family, and life build, this long ago pain remains silent no longer. It rises up within them. They have no idea what is happening to them. My XW, after BD, told me she thought she was going crazy. Their descent into darkness usually takes 18-24 months. An event triggers this deep stirring of unrecognized, unrealized, unaccounted for pain.

Their pain and torment is ceaseless. Their emotions are cranked to 11. They completely become the opposite of who they once were. With constant emotional pressure, destruction seems to the to be their only way out. They destroy their life and anyone and anything that gets in their way.

You, their loving spouse gets the blast. You see the MLCer cannot handle any more. They absolutely cannot. Their pain and torment, for their psyche, has to be from external, it cannot be from within. So they incorrectly conclude that the LBS must be the source of the utter unhappiness. And they will project, justify, argue, bait you into a fight, lie, manipulate, and anything else to ensure they feel right.

Give H time and space. And lots of it. Without reactions from you, H slowly realizes that you aren’t “bugging” him BUT he is still unhappy, and therefore you cannot be the cause. Hopefully he then looks inward.

MLC is an emotional train wreck. People in crisis are driven by emotions, irrational emotions. They will be but a few rational actions and decisions from H. There will be plenty of irrational and emotional ones. Emotions change quickly, as will H’s course.

Focus upon you.

MLC is horrible. I would not wish this upon anyone. These lost souls are truly suffering. Just imagine what it would take for a Mom to throw away her own children. They lose their empathy. They can’t handle their own feelings, never mind anyone else’s.

They run from their pain. They turn to all kinds of vices in futile attempts to dull the constant pressure and emotional torment. Affairs are staggeringly common. Wasteful spending, drugs, alcohol, high risk behaviours, etc. All to try to regain the youth they feel was lost.

Focus on you.

This is not a hopeless venture. It is a long one though. This is not a sprint, it is a marathon - pace yourself.

You have the gift of time, use it wisely and use it well.

Ask anything you like. There are many compassionate and caring people here with much hard earned wisdom.

You are not alone. You are among friends.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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