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Free parrot with every peg leg #2901597
08/07/20 09:40 PM
08/07/20 09:40 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
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AndrewP Offline OP
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New thread time

Old thread
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2901568&page=1
Tell the cicadas to shut up

Originally Posted by Ginger
Cellulitis is not something to mess with S isnít a medical professional and you arenít either. You need a specific antibiotic, not an OTC antibiotic cream. You need medical attention. I have 2 patients currently on my unit with bad cellulitis. One with positive blood cultures. Needs 6 weeks of IV abx.

But I know you arenít a fan of doctors and medicine. And youíll do what youíll do. But it can be dangerous, just a warning
I actually have quite a substantial fear of cellulitis and not because the free parrot that the Canadian health-care system gives you when they chop your leg off is creepy and probably recording everything you say.

I can assure you all - and thank you for the slaps across my hind end - that if my condition worsened that I would be typing this from my local emergency room. I'm not relying on S for medical advice - if anything she would have had me in emerg a few days ago. I am getting progressively better. It's down to bad sunburn stage - itches a bit and is shrinking and fading steadily in the remaining area. There is no more general fever and the leg itself is cooling down. I just removed the towel that I'm using as a cold compress and the colour is to "tanned white guy" which is a bit darker than normal still but not the angry red.

I do know from when I had it previously and did go to my GP - after a 1 week wait for an appointment by which time it cleared up on it's own - she looked at the pictures I took documenting it - and said that I was probably fine and didn't need any follow-up.

Even though I'm certainly not a doctor nor nurse, my experience with the health-care system here in this rural area is that unless the limb is actively about to fall off, they send you home to rest.

I am paranoid about it. I know that it's dangerous especially with my other health issues. Not to mention the responsibility for caring for that darned parrot crazy I should have taken that scratch on my leg more seriously but all past - and progressively more serious - episodes were related to a single beach in Cuba so it didn't cross my mind as a risk until it was too late. So - as soon as I detected the original rash, I alerted S as to what was going on, and carefully monitored the situation and stopped doing the things that could aggravate it. I watched the infection peak - at a lower level than I had in my Cuban infections and it's steadily going down.


So - thank you all. And I do mean that sincerely and not in a "bless your heart" Southern kind of way. It's nice to know that there are people who care.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2901611
08/08/20 12:47 AM
08/08/20 12:47 AM
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Posts: 1,834
Midwest
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DonH Offline
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That ďblood infectionĒ several have talked about is otherwise known as sepsis. That term may ring some bells louder for you as for whatever reason more and more people have been dying of it. Many hospitals have enacted sepsis protocols. The thing is you can go septic much faster than you can imagine. The fastest route through the body is the bloodstream. You can go from fine to really really sick very fast.

Itís just amazing to me, and beyond frustrating too, how some people (not saying you specifically) will not leave their house, insist the world shuts down and demand we all wear masks when others have an actual infection going on inside of their body presenting way higher risks than covid ever will, there is actually known antibiotics that will very likely cure it, yet somehow that is a risk worth taking. Going grocery shopping without a mask is not. OMG 2020 is so upside down.

Itís only some pills - likely for 10 days. Get some fricken antibiotics already!!!!!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2901636
08/08/20 02:02 PM
08/08/20 02:02 PM
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Good Morning Andrew

You do realize our health care system is free. Ok not free, my $32000 each year of taxes is proof of that. Our health care system has no end user fees. No, thatís not completely true anymore either. Drugs were never free. ... ... ... grumble grumble. Drat. Try again.....

You do realize our health care system is free, right? You can make an appointment and see a doctor. And you should.

However, you, me, people are stubborn. You are going to do what you are going to do. And no amount of exclamation points is going to change that! (I only used one smile ) I know youíd see a doctor eventually when the symptoms reach a level that you felt needed it. Personally, I think having an fever induced from a known infection may have been the level to do more than bathe.

I also do not seek medical attention at every little thing, so I do understand the reluctance to bog down a system with unnecessary appointments. The weighing of risk becomes so apparent, or more accurately the weighing of perceived risk and perceived control of risk. Especially in a cost free environment.

People feel they are controlling their health well enough. And that feeds very well into their emotions and fears, which blind and paralyze them to further appropriate action. Until something tips the equilibrium.

I could be well off course here. I just see something lurking beneath the humour. And Iím pretty sure those give-away parrots are recording everything you say and do - so steer clear of that.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
My last angiogram was 10 years ago. At the time they identified I think 3 or 4 blockages one at 50%. They chose to not put a stent in at that time and generally I've been "fine". Angina attacks when I've been stupid like spending 4 hours chopping up the ice in the driveway in the winter. This time, I'm pretty confident that they'll put a stent in. Perhaps more than one. From what the doctor said, what I've been writing off as angina for some years has probably been a series of minor heart attacks.

Frankly it scares me. I know that there are risks in this sort of procedure. I also know that the risks are low especially since I am a more or less healthy and relatively young man. S doesn't get that this worries me and I don't really push it with her as I don't want her wound up. I've made sure that my kids are all well informed. I've not heard back from S25 as of yet but I do see that he's now reading in the family chat so he's up on current events. The same doctor who did this procedure 10 years ago will be doing this one as well so he's now a 10 year more experienced practitioner who undoubtedly has a steady hand and will competently deal with all issues.

I think this is the first time you have spelt out just how many and the severity of your blockages. Your frank admission of concern is almost missed within the facts and how you donít want others to worry.

A probable series of minor heart attacks is concerning. And I agree the acquiring of one or more stents will most likely, and frankly thankfully, be the outcome.

You are young . Have a long term competent practitioner on your side. And actually a really good health care system.

I do understand you not wanting S wound up. Your idea that S doesnít get that this worries you, might not be totally correct. She may be very worried and not be wanting to worry you so she doesnít show it. People react in all sorts of various manners when confronted with concerns and fears. Denial is a pretty standard one. Sís apparent lack of empathy is most likely just where she is, for the moment, while she work through assimilating this news.

Similar mind reading with S25 is occurring from you. You can see he opened the message on family chat. His reading it, and proficiency in current events is guesswork.

Iíve stayed out of the S25 discussions here. You are going to do what you are going to do. And much wise advice, in my opinion, has already been imparted. However, I do care about you.

Andrew, talk to your son.

Get a hold of him - this weekend. Today. Saturday. Actual, live, in real time, word to word, or better face to face, talking.

ďHello S25. Itís been a long time since weíve actually spoken. I miss you. I love you. Is everything ok in your world?Ē

ďI got this darn medical situation pending, my angina, and I am a bit concerned. Well, to be honest, Dadís is a bit scared. And I am working through sorting out what to do.Ē

I donít know S25ís probable reaction. It could be anything. People have wildly various reactions to medical situations, family upheavals, moving, living alone, etc... S25ís world, like everyoneís has, and is, changing.

Unless I am way off, I believe you would like the situation, the distance between you and S25 to be better, to be closer. That doesnít happen by itself.

I know you have your hands full. S25 is important. You are important. Make time.

D


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2901640
08/08/20 06:46 PM
08/08/20 06:46 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
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Massachusetts
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people always think they have time. reality is, we don't. every moment is precious and important.


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2901644
08/08/20 09:33 PM
08/08/20 09:33 PM
Joined: Sep 2016
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Westo Online
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Please listen Andrew.

Please go to the doctor and also contact your son.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2901650
08/09/20 01:13 AM
08/09/20 01:13 AM
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AndrewP Offline OP
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Thanks all - especially DnJ who I think "gets it" in how my thoughts are running. My ex-wife used to joke that the epitaph on my grave-stone would be "I'm fine! Just give me a moment to catch my breath." laugh

In my bones I feel that as a tax-payer who supports this system it is my obligation to not take undue advantage of it. So in most cases just rub dirt on whatever ails and soldier on. I do go in and not just when prompted to by others. I take ownership of my health. Despite it being "free" there are limited resources available and I try to be prudent when making use of this Public Good.

Got my lab work back. Not too bad for an old guy with an infected leg. They were nice enough to include an idiot guide to the numbers. Pretty much everything in the green in the middle of the various ranges. One reading was flagged as probably indicating an infection - duh - and was only slightly out of the "good" range - so relatively minor infection :P Some very mild indication of decreased kidney function. I do pee a lot although I can do an "all-nighter" most nights laugh

PS - I'd love to get in touch with my son. I'm sure that if I sent up an emergency flare that he would indeed come running with the calvary. He doesn't answer his phone - for anybody. Doesn't tend to return texts. Reading of chat messages is sporadic and unpredictable. Lives in a second floor apartment with no doorbell. Unless I got the ladder out of the shed (after finding it amongst all the boxes), strapped it to the car, drove an hour to where he lives, leaned it up against his window and started tapping on it, there is no way for me to intrude myself into his bubble. Maybe DnJ can loan me the bucket truck? If he's not home maybe drawing pictograms on his window from the bucket truck to indicate that I miss him wouldn't be considered too pushy / creepy?

His mother used to refer to him as a little [censored word meaning the end result of a burrito] in a rather angry voice when he wouldn't respond to her when he was off at University. And inform him bluntly and angrily of that status when he did respond. I would get in touch with him about a week in advance of a visit and let him know that I was bringing pie. That would usually get the door open. For anyone in Eastern Ontario, The Big Apple does really nice pie. Haven't been out to our plant there in probably over a year now.

On vacation now for the week. S and I are off for a couple of days to a nice inn. D19 is going to be here to referee the boys. I'm expecting a fair amount of chaos and mess when we return. We'll probably be leaving sometime after lunch tomorrow returning Tuesday afternoon. I currently get about 300 emails a day so will undoubtedly spend some time here and there sorting through to see if there is any wheat amongst the chaff. Being as my "backup" for one of my roles is both the company president and also the guy who used to do this job, I'm not expecting any issues there. My backup for one of my other roles isn't "quite" as sure of themselves.

Oh - and my leg is almost all better now. Still a bit red and swells some when I stand for a long time.

And yes - I do appreciate the love and concern even if it appears I don't.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2901699
08/09/20 06:16 PM
08/09/20 06:16 PM
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Posts: 5,283
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Ginger1 Online
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Quite the opposite is true. The healthcare system gets overwhelmed and healthcare costs much more when you let something go that could be treated before it blows up bigger.

Example 1) cellulitis infection. Get it early with a course of oral
Abx , or end up hospitalized with sepsis ? Which one drains the healthcare system more?

2) following up religiously when you know you have blocked arteries. Intervene early with stents, or wait until itís too late with open heart surgery? Which one drains the healthcare system more?

Preventative medicine is a big push in the US. Well visits, regular follow, diagnostic testing for the purpose of prevention saves the healthcare system rather than costing it

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2901933
08/12/20 03:08 PM
08/12/20 03:08 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
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AndrewP Offline OP
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I agree Ginger. Preventative medicine is much more cost effective than reactive medicine. A bit less profitable for the doctors and pharmacies but better for both the patient and tax-payer.

I had an interesting discussion with my cardiologist a number of years ago. I was questioning why he didn't put a stent in during my procedure previously. He said - and it makes a lot of sense to me - is that each intervention introduces risk. Putting a stent in to such a young man he said increases the odds that in time I'll have a complication and further interventions would be required to deal with those. Whereas getting me to modify my modifiable risk factors could be one for cheap, and is effective as well.

The leg is doing decently. One section of infection left that itches and the leg swells easily so I need to stay off my feet which is quite the challenge for me. I would expect that a few more days and all will be back to normal.

-------

Today would have been my 31st wedding anniversary. Wow. The sort of mile-stone you would expect to see from cute grey haired wrinkly couples awkwardly holding a cake while family around them is congratulating them. Although if I look in the mirror I do see quite a lot of grey hair and wrinkles. No clue about my ex-wife although she only dyed her hair for a short while and had salt-and-pepper grey that really quite suited her. We were certainly described as a very cute couple. Obviously in love with each other.

Even though I've known it was coming up, it had actually slipped my mind until Facebook reminded me of it this morning. I think it's reasonable to assume that she also is getting similar reminders.

I have to send her her monthly payment #34 of 77 later this week. I'm going to include a note stating that if she wants her book-case to arrange to pick it up otherwise I'll dispose of it. I've spent too much time being nice and this is probably more nice than I should be. I do wonder if she'll actually come for it. I have my doubts. I'll put it out in the shed. There's some of S's furniture that needs to occupy the space where it is.

I searched in me head and heart and there's really not anything more to say on this topic. Undoubtedly a good thing

------

S and I had a very nice get-away at a lovely inn in her home town. There were lots of safety protocols in place but still it did feel like a risk. Everywhere we went out to asked for our contact information as well. There's been no new cases in that part of the province nor in our's recently. The restaurants did something I thought was neat and have taped a QR code to the table so that those with a phone can check the menu there and they don't have to sanitize one.

We were very pleased on how accommodating the places were to S's gluten allergy finding things that weren't on the menu to offer. One restaurant and server went way beyond and I think they were quite happy with the glowing Google review I made later. Those things are like gold for restaurants.

S took me around her home town which she still knows like the back of her hand. I think she was pleased when after she assured me that she knew how to get us where we were going that I just put the navigating app on my phone away. And she certainly did.

We stopped off at her childhood home which her Dad still lives in by himself. I was both surprised and unsurprised to find it neat as a new pin. I know that S likes tidy and is capable of it but given that she gets sabotaged by kids and her own brain is unable to maintain it. My hope is that we can get to some reasonable compromise here. I know she wants it - we've talked. I've been talking to S18 - who is one of the bigger saboteurs and he is slowly coming on board with the idea too.

We had a nice lunch with her Dad who is in his mid-80s. To me he seems older than that but he had a bad heart attack and bypass surgery last year. He's still very sharp and quite active and manages quite well on his own. I think he was pleased to show me around. S was rather surprised that for the very first time he started talking about handing over some family heirlooms. Many of them he just wants to sell and has told S in the past that he doesn't trust her to take care of them. Sadly there's a certain amount of truth to that statement but S is still offended.

A couple of rather large pennies dropped as we wandered around and chatted about her life growing up and raising her family with a series of partners in her home town.

One thing was her mention about it being nearly a year since we started dating. It seems that is nearly some sort of record to go without some sort of conflict.

One other was finding out that her brother - who I knew had been "difficult" actually spent a good portion of his youth in foster care. S's attitude about that was pretty nonchalant combined with a bit of relief that he wasn't around. I do know that she resented how much attention he got from their parents. Given her own attitudes about her own kids perhaps it is more normal for her to think of them going off than it would be for me. We were talking about some furniture that I feel is surplus and she wants to hang on to it with the impression being that S18 would be out and on his own soon - which had been her expectation and plan previously. Personally I think the kid should be here for at least a couple more years to get himself sorted out - but he's not my kid.

Her oldest son in Australia just had his 23rd birthday. She sent him a text - belatedly and has been un-phased by the lack of response. Again - just bizarre to me. This is the same son who also had behavioral issues and moved in with his oldest sister when he was 17.

We've heard back about school and essentially here in this rural area it's intended to be business as usual. S and S13's dad have talked and he'll be home-schooled for at least the first few weeks. We all expect the first few weeks to be utter chaos as staff try to figure out how to follow the impossible rules with a school stuffed full of kids who also can't reasonably be counted on to follow the rules.

S18 is intending on resuming his own studies but I don't know what has been put in place for that. I think he has a couple of years to catch up on. He's pretty motivated to get his diploma.

I've been working with S on budgeting. The grocery budget seems to be a key problem. I think one of the "dropping pennies" hit her foot when we were talking about one receipt and she said that it was as she was waiting for a prescription and was just wandering around and picked up things she thought we might need. Ding! I've been pushing to stick to a list and planned shopping. We have a ways to go and will both have to adapt.

Ah well - time to wrap this up. Today's plan is to find my ladders and a portion of the garage floor. There's a badly rotted window-sill that needs to be fixed and I need a ladder to do that. It will also help organize the stuff in the garage a bit which I don't think is nearly as bad as it looks.

I need to take it slow in the heat and also with my game leg though which will be tough on me as now that I'm home, everywhere I look there's things to do.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2901937
08/12/20 03:52 PM
08/12/20 03:52 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
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kml Offline
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Quote
The leg is doing decently. One section of infection left that itches and the leg swells easily so I need to stay off my feet which is quite the challenge for me. I would expect that a few more days and all will be back to normal.


Dude - do you understand that with some oral antibiotics this would have been gone in 2-3 days???????? Don't do this again - EVER!

Re: the bookcase: you've been separated/divorced for HOW many years now? Surely if she'd wanted it she would have taken it with her when she moved her stuff out or at least asked for it sometime in the intervening years. No need to offer it to her now. Just get rid of it. Somebody else out there needs the bookcase more than she does.

That's pretty extreme that S's brother spent all that time in foster care. Usually that means either severe dysfunction on the part of the parents, or severely disturbed behavior on the part of the child that the parents couldn't cope with. I'd be reluctant to judge - I have one patient who had to put her adopted son into a therapeutic group home at about age 12 because his psychiatric problems were so severe that it was putting her other son at risk; she's a great mom and was heartbroken but had exhausted all other options. Extreme situations like that sometimes do occur.

I agree with you about her S18, sounds like he would benefit from a couple more years at home, especially since he needs to catch up on his schooling (and maybe learn some more adult skills from you). I'd discuss that with S, she may be feeling she needs to push him out of the nest in order to keep you.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2901940
08/12/20 04:17 PM
08/12/20 04:17 PM
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Ginger1 Online
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Itís been YEARS. If she wanted the book case, she would have gotten it. Remember when you were sending all this random stuff of hers with S26 and we told you that you should really stop because if she wanted that cr @p she would have made it happen on her own will. We discussed how you find this stuff to be more sentimental than her.

Donít send a note and donate the bookcase. Someone will be very happy. If she wanted it, she knows how to get it.

You should probably let go of that tiny little thread you hold on to.

And S said happy birthday day to her son LATE?! OMG, I would honestly be sad if my birthday came and the woman who gave birth to me didnít reach out on my birthday! And just a text? So sad. I probably wouldnít respond because I would have been hurt. But I guess there is a different dynamic there I probably just donít get.

I think everyone desires a neat and tidy house. No one wants a mess. I know I would love a perfectly neat and tidy house. But I work a lot and have to prioritize, so it is nice, but not perfect. You gotta want it enough and prioritize it to get it. It certainly doesnít magically happen. On the days it doesnít for me, it is because itís a choice that day.

Glad you had a nice weekend and learned more about her family

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2901942
08/12/20 05:16 PM
08/12/20 05:16 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
Dude - do you understand that with some oral antibiotics this would have been gone in 2-3 days???????? Don't do this again - EVER!


Originally Posted by AndrewP
S and I had a very nice get-away at a lovely inn in her home town. There were lots of safety protocols in place but still it did feel like a risk.

Soooooooo, let me see if Iíve got this... living life, visiting a small town, staying at an inn, with a well controlled virus that has still only infected a percent or two of the people on the planet is a risk, but walking around with a leg infection is not a risk. Do I have that down correctly? Once again, 2020, the most upside down year ever.

Wish I could post photos here. After wishing a friend happy birthday on Facebook he just posted that he is in the hospital with a leg infection. He posted two pretty gross photos that Facebook made me actively opt-in to view. Not sure how it started. Sounds like heís had it for awhile now. Finally had to call the ambulance on Saturday. Had surgery on Sunday, Iím guessing to debried the infection, and now will be in the hospital for unknown more days. Then it sounds like he may have had some uncontrolled A-fib or something that caused his heart to race so heís now one step away from ICU. But hey he avoided having to take some pills so he does get that win. smile

Figuring out human nature can be fascinating to me. Rationalization really may be the second strongest human drive.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: kml] #2902067
08/14/20 10:16 PM
08/14/20 10:16 PM
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Posts: 3,365
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AndrewP Offline OP
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Originally Posted by kml
Quote
The leg is doing decently. One section of infection left that itches and the leg swells easily so I need to stay off my feet which is quite the challenge for me. I would expect that a few more days and all will be back to normal.


Dude - do you understand that with some oral antibiotics this would have been gone in 2-3 days???????? Don't do this again - EVER!
Yeah. Given that each time I get an infection that my risks continue to go up this is an attitude that I will need to change. Setting aside the very real risks to my health that I have been taking, the sheer annoyance of a game leg is frustrating. My key - and perhaps misplaced - focus was on if this would interfere with my angio-gram / plasty in 2 weeks.

Been bacheloring it yesterday and today. S's D19 is having a scope done top and bottom to review her possible celiac condition. From the message I got from S late this afternoon, there's a chance that the bottom scope didn't get done because D19 was stressed out. They are going to stay down there one more night which is good as it means that D19 will be in a safe well supervised spot as she recovers from the anesthetic.

I actually picked up a 12 pack of beer from the village brewery and had a relaxing evening last night with the dog watching Poirot. The dog didn't seem to be too into it. Not too much to my surprise I was rather "meh" about the beer. I enjoyed the taste but I would have probably been just as happy to chug back some kombucha. And had a better sleep. Nice to learn these things.

I just mailed a big box of girl guide cookies and other treats down to D28 today and posted in the family chat that S25's cookies are in the office. That seems to have worked. He just texted me that he's going to be stopping by tomorrow "to pick up the last of" his stuff. Not sure if that will include the book-case or not. I did mention it to my ex in the payment message earlier this morning so perhaps he was kicked on that side.

Vacation is now done. I didn't get nearly what I'd hoped to get done accomplished but did manage some things. The key one was to fix some rot in one of the window-sills. I used a combination of wood blocks shaped to fit and auto-body filler. Not the best of repairs but it will do for a few years. The "right" fix would have been to pull it out and replace it but ain't nobody got time for that. The rot had gone almost right through the sill and had advanced a bit into the house. Not good.

Of course to do this repair, I needed my ladder. To get to my ladder I spent an entire day on Wednesday pulling everything out of the garage, sorting it and then packing it back in into the middle of the floor. Given that the garage was the "we're tired of moving stuff and are teenagers" shove things in place, it was quite the mess with stuff just literally tossed in. Not much seemed to have gotten broken and it should now be easier to unpack. A lot of it just isn't needed but S will have to work through a lot of those decisions herself. She did comment that a number of the things she has were picked up "for the next house". Hopefully she can let go of the ones that don't fit here.

The plan for tomorrow is to do some exterior painting on the window frames. I was also supposed to do a lot of the plaster work in S13's room but that didn't happen. Hopefully Sunday I can get a lot done on that.

Today's big task was getting S's to cats and the dog to the vet. The dog was up for her booster shots and the cats needed "everything". The bill was rather large and the cats have to go back in a few weeks for a booster. The cats were surprisingly easy to get into the carriers. I wore a pair of heavy leather gloves just in case. The vet clinic was crazy busy and with the extra social distancing measures, even more busy. The protocol is to sit in the car, they do a first case review over the phone then the critters are handed over like a hostage drama. The vet does his exam, calls and goes over things and then the bill is presented and you get the critters back. Because they were so busy it actually took a couple of hours mostly just waiting. At my insistence we have the cats now micro-chipped. The dog will get chipped when we get her spayed probably in a couple of months.

Well - time to feed the tribe. Porkchops tonight for me I think. Hamster kibbles for the hamster, hay and pellets for the rabbits, diet cat food for the felines and kibbles for the dog.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902161
08/16/20 05:01 PM
08/16/20 05:01 PM
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Well - I was right. Sending my ex a note saying that either she picks up the book-case or I would dispose of it created a flurry of action. 2 - count 'em 2 - separate messages (the first in years) on the subject. The first one saying that she was dispatching S25 to pick it up. The second one saying the same thing but adding on that if he didn't come to let her know and that she herself would come.

S25 did show up about mid-afternoon yesterday. I was a bit worried that the book-case wouldn't fit into his wee car but there were no issues. He also picked up the last of his stuff that's not in more permanent storage including about 8 bottles of wine from his wine-of-the-month club subscription that probably have gone off.

He was pleased to find out that the stash included a few boxes of girl-guide cookies and didn't seem to be in a bad humour about anything and was genuinely happy to see me. He mentioned that he looks back fondly now on the time the two of us spent together in the house. We also touched on some of my current health concerns so that he was in the loop about that. Nothing specific, but I do get the feeling that he doesn't completely trust S to look after me.

The big thing we talked about was how "the girls" are not adapting well and that I'm concerned about them. S25 is going to take them. He figures that even though it's a "no pets" building that there won't be an issue. Not sure when he's going to come and get them but it probably won't be too long. He was very happy to see his girls and lavished a lot of attention on them.

He said that up to now that he's been doing the hermit thing but that he will be making an effort to reach out to me in some fashion or other every couple of weeks. We talked about going out for dinner etc. I'd like to maybe do something pre-planned like a dinner or lunch once a month or so.

He did mention that his mother was - ahem - very concerned that I would be disposing of the book-case.

It was so very very good to see him and I do confess that I'm still emotional about it. It's been such a very long time since I've seen him. I'm grateful that he's doing well. It will also be tough to part from my/his girls but it will be for the best for them.

S and crew arrived from her set of appointments just as he was leaving so they didn't interact. Personally, I think that's for the best. S may have a vision of one big happy combined family but I don't and I don't think my kids do either. It's something that will require careful navigation. I'm positive that he doesn't dislike S but he does dislike the noise and activity that accompanies her I believe.

I told S later after she unburdened about her own challenges and adventures about the visit. She is baffled about the decision to let his 2 cats move in with S25 saying that "things are getting better" and "they'll adapt" which is perhaps true. The current drama though I feel isn't good for anyone. She is at least not trying to stop this from happening. I don't necessarily trust S's optimism about such things. Her past adventures with forced blending had not gone well.

S had a challenging time away. She has a difficult relationship with her Dad who is - ahem - very particular about many things. It's difficult for her because she feels that he is always knocking her down and discounting what she has to say - she attributes it to him being from a different era. Superficially polite but with family, especially female family, very dismissive.

I think that I got some more insight though into how and why S18 treats his mother, cutting her down constantly. It's what he's seen from his grandfather perhaps. S grew up with this and has a fairly think skin but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. You can almost see S shrink within herself when he puts her down. There was another awkward to me discussion about one of S's previous partners (not an ex but they dated for quite a while) where I was compared favorably. Someone who fit his description had been recently arrested for a DUI.

The sense of relief from S and the kids when they got home was palpable and the boys expressed their appreciation for me taking care of their varmints. S18 spent a bunch of time burning off energy on the trampoline and swinging on a pull-up bar I installed for him in one of the doorways. He has a mania for physical activity that left unfocused can be destructive.

----------

S will probably need some time and space to decompress. She's still in bed. I dropped S18 off at work this morning then got a call from D19 as I was driving back. She'd been to a party and needed a ride. Had a nice chat with D19 who isn't a very deep person but is a decent enough kid. She'd tried to reach her mother but the cell phone was dead and the land-line didn't get answered. I assured her that it was my personal policy that if someone needed to be picked up that there were no questions and that it would happen. I personally think that this girl is going to flower now that she's out from under the shadow of her ex-BF. We did talk a bit about relationships and how watching out for people who are controlling is a big thing. I think that she's probably going to be focusing on her career in the next while and she may well do well despite being yet another pretty young white girl in a sea of such faces.

---------

I have a pork shoulder in the oven cooking for Sunday dinner. S had asked me last night if I had plans and suggested that she would do up a beef roast but was very happy when she found out that I had a pork one set aside. I've not done this cut before but it's an inexpensive cut that should feed a crowd. It's a very very slow roast. I'm debating trying to do crispy oven baked potatoes with duck fat. I had similar potatoes when we were away recently and do quite like them. I expect that S's D26 is planning on being here for dinner. I've dodged her for a couple of weeks.

When I mentioned to S25 about the assumptions being made about Sunday dinners, he didn't seem surprised at all, nor did he appear to have any interest in being involved. Sad in many ways. This was the one time a week where even if he was in one of his moods that we had to connect.

I think that I need to be careful here and this is perhaps the time to be most careful. I don't want to lose "me". The "me" that grew and flourished in the light after the shadow of my ex-wife passed. S is here to add to the variety of my life and she's said that she doesn't want to take anything away from me that's important to me, but this is much less tangible than doing laundry or cleaning the cat-boxes. It's so easy to bury your light under a basket when there's so much else going on.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902167
08/16/20 07:06 PM
08/16/20 07:06 PM
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Why not just plan to have dinner out on every other Sunday night with your son? You could go out or get takeout and hang at his place or you and he could cook together at his place.

Good job on getting rid of the bookcase - I guess you were right, she did actually want it, so good on you.

Sís boys keep pointing out how superior you are to her exes because they are so relieved that you are normal and stable. I think itís less about running her down and more about wanting reassurance that sheís not going to f this up.

You can help teach them how to treat her with respect, and how to do gentlemanly things like pulling out her chair or holding the door for her. You can also teach them some self-sufficiency skills.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: kml] #2902346
08/19/20 02:26 PM
08/19/20 02:26 PM
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Ah - nice to have my posts end up on page 4 because they are getting boring.

S25 has now transmogrified to S26. I hope he had a good day. He had to work so no partying for him. 20S - who has the same birthday still hasn't heard from him. It was weird to not be celebrating his birthday with him but he didn't seem too phased about that. He knows that I cared about his birthday and I think that for this year, that that was good enough.

I'm still feeling sad that my "girls" will be moving out at some point. But it will be for the best for them and the new critters.

Originally Posted by kml
Good job on getting rid of the bookcase - I guess you were right, she did actually want it, so good on you.
Oh - I've been confident that she wanted it as well as baffled that she never took it during any of her trips through the house. I did have my work reference books in it so perhaps she was "being nice". There was also a combination of randomness and methodical pillaging that happened.

I've known how attached she was to this book-case since she first got it over 30 years ago. It was from her father and she considered it a "prestige" item. I think that one of the parts at play in this is the fact that she undoubtedly can't comprehend that I'm not keeping this place as a shrine to her awesomeness and that things have changed rather dramatically in the past 4 years.

From my time on this forum and elsewhere, I think that this is a pretty common thing and I've seen it on both sides - that it's beyond comprehension that a former spouse or what was left behind has changed from where it was left.

I'm glad that I did contact her and that the matter got all sorted out. I'm especially glad that it happened without me having to interact with her. I would probably be coldly polite but am glad that didn't happen. I remember clearly seeing my younger sister and her ex interacting years after their divorce and the attraction and magnetism between them was still palpable. I'd rather not know if I'm still attracted to my ex or not.

S asked very pointedly after if this was the LAST item of this sort and yes it is. I know that I don't owe my ex anything but I still felt that it has been the decent thing to do to ensure that she is the one to make the decisions on items that may have been important to her whether it be this book-case or the paper towel holder her mother hand-made for her.

I'm sure that S26 is happy to see the end of the passing of things through him as well. I do think though that it does model the fact that yes while his parents did split and that there was a lot of pain involved that it is also possible to not be a jerk and to be considerate.

-----------

It's been tough getting my head wrapped back around work again. So many moving parts. Fortunately everyone else really knows what they are doing and have caught a couple of my mistakes. I'm sort of stretching myself into different parts of the poorly defined role. Yesterday I was up-selling customers, I've been placing orders for raw materials committing the company to some rather large amounts of money. Funny thing is that nobody questions any of this on any side of the process. Goes to show that if you appear competent that people assume you are wink

Part of the job is making decisions quickly with poor or limited information. Some of that is because I can't just walk out to the plant to see what is going on which was the problem yesterday. But the decisions need to be made and in some cases quickly. Introverted and shy 18 year old me never would have imagined my being capable of doing this.

---------------

S, S13 and D19 spent yesterday and overnight up with her D26. The purpose was to babysit - not sure why it took all three. But it left S18 and I alone bacheloring it. I was able to do some cleaning and organizing after work yesterday that now allows me to put the trailer back into it's shed.

A futon that was in the shed now sits where the book-case was in the office. This will give us back a guest bed plus another place to hang out. With the boys pretty much taking over the living room it will be good to have a separate space. I know that S liked the similar setup in her apartment.

The unpacking is proceeding and in bursts as expected. Suddenly over the last few days most of the clothes have been dealt with and most of the living room floor and almost all of the dining room table is visible.

I'm largely keeping out of it which seems to be working for the best. S knows her stuff and how she wants to use it. Sometimes if I stumble across something I'll put it in a place that makes sense, usually kitchen related and that has worked too. Surprisingly, I've not really felt the "itch" to take over and just deal with things.

School has more or less been set up for the boys. S18 has some things he needs to do himself to get his courses set up. Neither of them will be attending in person for at least for a while. One of the reasons is because S worries about them bringing something home to me. We all expect absolute chaos for the first few weeks and then we'll see how it shakes out. A lot of people are keeping their kids home from what I gather. We have very few cases of COVID going on here. There's been a recent bump which can undoubtedly be traced to the long weekend at the start of the month. No reasonable person though I would think will expect kids to be able to follow the procedures consistently and for a significant amount of time. With flu season coming up soon as well it will just be too much to expect there to not be spreading events in the schools.

----------

I continue to worry about my health and my upcoming procedure. I'm completely convinced that they'll be putting a stent or two in. I seriously doubt that we would be looking at a bypass but given my record on being wrong about things, can't really rule that out. There certainly continues to be something consistently feeling "not right" in there. My blood pressure continues to be in the same range that it has been in at least. Perhaps it's just the stress.

My leg is almost cleared up. Oddly it's now peeling as if it were sunburned. I've certainly learned my lesson I hope about taking that more seriously.

Well - that's about all for now.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902356
08/19/20 04:16 PM
08/19/20 04:16 PM
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Dawn70 Offline
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I don't think your posts are ever boring. I have just been running wide open for a week or so now with the opening of school and haven't had time to comment as I normally would.

I'm worried about your health too! Don't just dismiss your blood pressure as stress. Keep pushing for help and answers as to what is going on so that you can get lined out. You have a lot of people depending on you (don't know if that is a help or a hindrance, but it is a fact, so might as well embrace it).

Take care of yourself!!!!!


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902367
08/19/20 06:16 PM
08/19/20 06:16 PM
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Quote
I think that one of the parts at play in this is the fact that she undoubtedly can't comprehend that I'm not keeping this place as a shrine to her awesomeness


Lol - don't think I have any such items. Thank goodness.

Quote
I remember clearly seeing my younger sister and her ex interacting years after their divorce and the attraction and magnetism between them was still palpable. I'd rather not know if I'm still attracted to my ex or not.


LOL - I'm definitely not! At middle son's grad school graduation last year he came up and gave me a hug - it was like that scene from Alien where the monster comes right up next to Sigourney Weaver and she stays perfectly still! Ick!

Really the only thing my ex has that I'd like to have is a portrait of our kids that one of our nannies had done of them and gave to us. He kept it initially because I was staying with my mom. I kinda felt sorry for him and let him have it at his place when I took my share of the artwork. Recently I was thinking of asking him for custody of it for a while since it's been 11 years - kinda my turn I think. He probably wouldn't mind, he's got limited wall space in his little beach duplex and his wife might enjoy being able to put up something different in its place.

As far as your leg goes - they may not want to do the procedure if there's still evidence of infection, so you should maybe get some antibiotics to finish it up before then. Talk to your doctor. Fingers crossed for a good test.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902539
08/23/20 04:18 PM
08/23/20 04:18 PM
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Back to the twice a week cadence of posting again I see.

Not a lot going on. I am of course very stressed about my upcoming procedure. S has read through the info and will be taking me down although by the sounds of it she won't be able to wait inside the hospital.

----

I got a fresh haircut yesterday and was chatting with my barber who has been cutting my hair for over 30 years now. He also used to sit on the local police services and is still an active volunteer fire-fighter. To say that he's well plugged in to to the local community is an understatement. He's been saying that he's planning on writing a book about all the stories he's heard over the years and says that I'll probably get a chapter of my own.

Now that he knows where my ex-wife lives, he's been paying attention. It seems that even given small town rural Ontario that it's not a very nice neighbourhood. We can grow our own marijuana now here and many people are. From what I understand you are allowed a limited number of plants and they cannot be visible from off the property. He was showing me a picture of my ex-wife's neighbour across the street and the veritable forest of plants growing on their balcony right at the front of the house. I believe they are going to be getting a visit from the local constabulary.

If I dig a bit I can still feel sorry for her and for what I perceive from the outside as a "less than" life that she is leading. It's a weird thing and undoubtedly part of the cognitive dissonance that we all struggle with to both care and not care. I don't wish for anything bad to happen to her but on the other hand have no interest in stirring myself to stop it.

Getting back to my barber, he's commented a few times on how he envied me during my single days. At 60 we are in the age group where losing a partner becomes more of thing. He thinks I made a big mistake by bringing someone into my home. He certainly has a point. My path has been set though and I do have optimism for the future. The present though takes work. There certainly is a lot more load that I have around the house and such that what it was with just myself and my son. S has good intentions but followup on the day to day stuff isn't great. She has been making substantial incremental progress on the unpacking though. The boys - well - they're teenaged boys. The chore chart is largely ignored. They take care of their own pets but as far as the common household stuff, nothing. The boys will do things but S has to stand right over them to get them to do it.

One of my issues with the chore chart concept is that it allows people to think "not my job". I on the other hand am a "we're all in this together" person.

This is where different families have different ways. It will get navigated but it will take time and in the interim, I have more to do. I do know that expecting them to spontaneously get interested in helping out won't happen. Sigh - if parenting were easy then I suppose everyone would be wanting to do it.

S has been wanting to make more of an effort in doing the running around that I've been doing on my own with me and so yesterday I re-shuffled the timing of things and we did get out together for grocery shopping. This is oddly the first time we've done it together where it's not been driven by me and my list.

Boy oh boy do we have some work to do. Our different ways of planning and shopping are not similar at all. S ended up challenging me on if I was the one who did everything when I was married and was surprised that no - it was always done together and off a pre-set list. I think the fact that I had a decent marriage with a good working relationship with my then wife continues to surprise her.

On her side, I challenged her that she has never shopped before with a partner and that she had no practice in doing things collaboratively.

We have work to do. In the mean-time we are badly over-stocked on some things and have a number of other items that will perhaps go bad before they get used. It will be a learning experience for us both. I need to become less rigid and structured and she perhaps needs to become more collaborative.

-------------

The unpacking and sorting out things does seem to be progressing. S13 scrubbed out the two small freezers and I was able to sell them quickly online. He's supposed to get a cut of the money but for some reason S is holding off giving it to him. It's between him and her but he's certainly very money motiviated. I also gave away an exercise bike that I had which I can't see being used again. S26 and I did use it from time to time but there's no space for it at present.

---------

Well - busy day ahead of me. The grass needs to be cut, I need to move quite a bit of compost and re-do the fence around it and then have a nice soak in the tub. S is off this afternoon for an overnight with her Dad and S13 as S13 has an appointment with a growth specialist tomorrow morning in that city. I may get a bottle of wine to enjoy with my soak.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902607
08/24/20 09:25 PM
08/24/20 09:25 PM
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AndrewP Offline OP
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Had a good thing happen that is worth mentioning.

S13 gave me some attitude yesterday. He's been getting more and more mouthy towards his mother but this is the first time he pulled it with me. I let him know that I didn't appreciate his attitude and left it at that. He didn't seem to care.

It did put me in a bit of a miserable mood. Later S and I were talking and I mentioned that I was in a bad mood because of S13, filled her in. She had a talk with him which I don't think did a whole lot of good but S13 made some efforts later in the day to get on my good side.

One outcome is that the chore chart is being re-done. Some accountability is being created. Since S and the boys aren't good at creating "systems", that's become my job. I worked with S18 on what works for him and the things he needs to work on and have done up a big white-board that he has to check off each day. He has a bigger list because of his bunnies and he also has goals he's working on. For S13 and the rest, a similar board will go into the kitchen where it will be obvious what needs to be done.

It might work. It might not. I know from raising my own kids that chore lists and accountability is a tough thing to teach. With my own kids we had a "see something do something about it" system and they had responsibility for a lot of their own day to day stuff. By the time they were teens they didn't really require much supervision on that. S's kids aren't the same in any way at all.

It's tough. I'm not the Dad here. I don't feel that it's my place to dole out punishments but on the other hand, I'm a grown man and should be able to deal with things on my own. I'm fine with setting boundaries and letting the boys know that there needs to be respect and when they've crossed the line. It was good that S had my back, didn't try to gloss over anything, didn't make a scene about it. I will admit that I've been giving the boys a lot of slack, not because I'm trying to be a "nice guy" but probably more because it's easier to just deal with things myself than push them to be accountable and responsible.

I also think that S is going to be a bit more pro-active in staying on top of the boys too as she as well has been giving them a bit of a free ride.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902611
08/24/20 11:08 PM
08/24/20 11:08 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
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DonH Offline
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Originally Posted by AndrewP
I will admit that I've been giving the boys a lot of slack, not because I'm trying to be a "nice guy" but probably more because it's easier to just deal with things myself than push them to be accountable and responsible.

Thereby playig right into their hands. Andrew, please donít be outwitted by a 13-year-old. You not requiring him to be accountable and responsible does him no favors. He needs to learn these things. He just knows if he balks at it long enough youíll just do it for him, he wonít have to, and he wins. Again, donít get outwitted by a child.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902614
08/25/20 12:15 AM
08/25/20 12:15 AM
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Hello Andrew

Originally Posted by AndrewP
It's tough. I'm not the Dad here. I don't feel that it's my place to dole out punishments but on the other hand, I'm a grown man and should be able to deal with things on my own. I'm fine with setting boundaries and letting the boys know that there needs to be respect and when they've crossed the line.

Yes you are not their Dad. However, and with a grain of salt, you are the Dad there. Everyone under one roof does elevate things. You have to be more than just Momís boyfriend.

A Dad type male figure. Not punishments. A man who guides, mentors, leads, helps, and so on. Yes boundaries will need to be worked on and respect earned.

You are the man of the house. I mean, if not you, then who? And S is your partner, the women of the house. Neither of you can act with complete autonomy, IMHO.

S has your back. And you have herís. I actually kind of agree with Sís philosophy of ďwe are one family nowĒ. Families have roles and role models. You can and should fit into one particular position.

Treat and care for them like they are family not guests.

I think you are doing very well my friend.

D


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902672
08/25/20 06:17 PM
08/25/20 06:17 PM
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I thought for a long time about how I wanted to respond to your recent post because I adore you but I feel like I'm always negative Nancy when I say stuff to you and I'm trying to change that. Having said that, I do tend to agree with both Don and DnJ. You are so right that you are not the dad of these boys. You are not even their stepdad, so really, not in a role to be the disciplinarian or the corrector. It's a tough place to be, for sure because you want to be supportive and helpful, but you also don't want to overstep. However, in this particular case, while you are not legally the stepparent to these young men, they live in YOUR house and you are, for all intents and purposes, the king of the castle that they currently inhabit. While I don't think you should take the lead on discipline, I do think it is absolutely your right and actually even your obligation to help guide, teach, lead these young men into a lifestyle that they need to become accustomed. You say the chore chart doesn't work for various and sundry reasons, but I think more than any reason you actually listed, it's lack of effectiveness has a whole lot to do with how S parents. Let me just say, I'm not necessarily judging her on how she parents, though it will sound like that. It isn't my place to judge her. But, from the outside looking in and based on your version of the story, S is a very lazy parent where disciplining the kids is concerned. I think that, by the luck of the draw, she just happens to have kids who are pretty decent human beings (no doubt because of her influence in some ways), but they can test those boundaries (or lack thereof, as the case may be). You have mentioned both sons being verbally abusive towards her and even reasoned it away as something they had seen from men in her life, but if she allows it, then it will continue and may even take root in their adult lives towards the women they choose. That is NOT a good pattern to set up for them. I suspect that S parents from a reactionary state rather than an actionary one and that may have to do with her not really having much structure and routine in her own life as she bounced from relationship to relationship. While I don't necessarily think you should intervene when you witness this abusive behavior, I think you can find a way to both divert the boys from doing it and support her in putting her foot down and not allowing it. Saying the chore chart doesn't work because they are teenagers is just hogwash. Maybe I am different because I was raised on a farm and my dad worked me like a dog with all the farm chores, but even teenagers need structure, guidance, discipline and allowing them to shirk responsibilities just because you can't get them to follow the chore chart is NOT setting a good example. You say that with your own kids you had more of a see something, do something approach, but these kids haven't been "trained up" in that fashion for lack of a better phrase. There is nothing wrong with you helping S enforce the chart and helping her establish real consequences for not doing things. While we didn't necessarily have an actual written out chart, we were given specific responsibilities and there were consequences when we didn't handle ours. From the time I was about 11 or 12 until I graduated high school and left college, one of my regular chores was cleaning the kitchen after supper. My mom cooked and then I would clear the table, put away left-overs, load the dishwasher, wash all the pots and pans, wipe down the counters. I don't see why you and she can't work together to establish some of those things for her boys and then hold them to it. In a not so distant future, these boys are going to be men on their own and you don't want them to be reliant on y'all to take care of them. Again, I get it is a fine line to walk, but you can do it without taking the lead or coming down too hard on the boys. I suspect that you are afraid that you will get some push back from S and I also suspect that you will get some because she doesn't really want to put that much effort in, especially when if they "drag a$$" (the term my father uses for laziness and apathy) long enough, you'll just do something to get it done without saying anything to them or S. I think S has already come to rely on that too. She makes big gestures and promises of doing things, but she really doesn't do that much and I think she doesn't really want to because chaos is her norm. I don't know how long you can really tolerate that, Andrew. Just something to think about. She paints a picture of y'all all being one big family, but then you are hesitant to wade in and be part of her family, despite them living in your house and I think both of her sons are at an age where they could benefit from a strong, positive male role model like yourself, so don't sit back and let that chance slip by. I get the feeling they seen and dealt with more than their fair share of losers. Show them what a REAL man is supposed to be. I think those boys might blossom under that type of attention and leadership, but having worked with teenagers for years, I can tell you (as you probably already know since you have children of your own) that they will buck you every chance they get and twice on Sunday just for good measure.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902679
08/25/20 08:06 PM
08/25/20 08:06 PM
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Quote
if parenting were easy then I suppose everyone would be wanting to do it.


Ain't that the truth!

You have to understand that these boys are certainly not accustomed either to doing chores regularly or to an orderly home. It will take time for them to learn. Do it like dog training - reward the good behaviors.

I'm glad to hear that S backed you up on it this time. And feel free to correct the boys when they talk back to their mother - just gently let them know that's not acceptable.

But you are wise to realize that it's about progress not perfection with the boys. My sons who live with me are responsible but certainly not natural clean freaks like CMM. And honestly it feels like NONE of their efforts are recognized by CMM - if they do all their dishes, it's a problem that they left one in the drying rack. Etc. etc. They've made a boatload of accommodations to CMM but because it's not 100% he still complains. And some things are honestly just differences of opinion, like do you empty the lint catcher on the dryer after your load or before your load?

What I can say is the constant negativity about this stuff from CMM is a detriment to their relationships with him - so finding positive ways to teach them rather than punish them will be best in the long run.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: kml] #2902683
08/25/20 08:17 PM
08/25/20 08:17 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
[quote]rAnd some things are honestly just differences of opinion, like do you empty the lint catcher on the dryer after your load or before your load?


I swear I'm not trying to be a smart a$$ here, but I don't see how this is a difference of opinion. Doesn't everyone empty the lint trap before they start the dryer? I mean it is a fire hazard to not do it, so why wouldn't you do it on the front end? Maybe it is just me. I'm the one who does 99% of the laundry in our house so maybe that is why I can't fathom it being done a different way and maybe it really is a difference of opinion. I do the bulk of our laundry on the weekend and I run load 1 through the washer, put it in the dryer, check the lint trap, empty if necessary and dry. Lather, rinse, repeat until all loads are washed and dried. I usually try to remember to clean the lint trap when I'm finished also, in case Sparky does a load at some other time and doesn't think to check it. Maybe I'm just crazy and paranoid about the lint catching my house on fire....I don't know.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902684
08/25/20 08:21 PM
08/25/20 08:21 PM
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Well CMM thinks everyone should empty their own lint after they do their laundry so he doesn't have to touch any (totally clean) potentially icky lint from somebody else's underwear lol. (Btw the fire risk is less about the lint in the trap and more about the lint in your exhaust hose, which should be cleaned perdiodically).

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902685
08/25/20 08:22 PM
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(The main problem with not cleaning the lint trap is that the dryer will take longer to dry if it's full).

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902686
08/25/20 08:28 PM
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Got it.....so see, I AM crazy. Yes, I knew that about the hose and we clean ours out periodically, but I'm still paranoid about the trap and always check it and empty it if necessary before starting a load. I always do it on the front end, but then I try to remember to do it after the last load as well so that if someone besides me does laundry, it is empty and ready to go. I don't always remember but most of the time I do.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: kml] #2902711
08/26/20 01:11 PM
08/26/20 01:11 PM
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I'm glad we are taking the time in our busy lives to examine important issues laugh
Originally Posted by kml
And some things are honestly just differences of opinion, like do you empty the lint catcher on the dryer after your load or before your load?
In the summer I prefer to use the clothesline even if it does make the towels a bit scratchy. When I do use the dryer I check the lint trap both before and then clean it when I take the load out. Leftover from having 4 people doing their own separate laundry I suppose.
Originally Posted by Dawn70
I mean it is a fire hazard to not do it, so why wouldn't you do it on the front end?
I also will take the front off the dryer (they're designed for this - only 2 screws) about twice a year and clean out the intake into the fan area as well. It's amazing how much can build up in there.
Originally Posted by kml
Well CMM thinks everyone should empty their own lint after they do their laundry so he doesn't have to touch any (totally clean) potentially icky lint from somebody else's underwear lol.
I remain the only person who cleans out the plastic trap in the shower where very ick hairs etc accumulate rather than going down the drain. "Sombody's got to do it". And I hate having to snake out the drains if they get badly clogged. I do use something called "one second plumber" - a compressed gas cannister though. It works quite well and is much better than plungers.

----

S13 is off with his dad for a week or so. He had his appointment with the growth specialist and will probably stop taking the hormone injections. Not because they won't do anything, but just because he doesn't want to get needles. His development, while very slow, isn't alarming in any way so personally I think there is no issue, but I don't have a vote here. The only alarming thing is the boy's very low weight which is a combination of being an extremely picky eater who is used to being catered to and undoubtedly an actual lack of appetite. He takes in only a tiny amount of food or drink in a day. His older brother S18 has a better appetite but also similarly doesn't really have much interest in food either. In part it may well be their ADD medication but from what I gather it was common in S's other kids. Which is odd because she's a pretty darned good cook.

When S13 is with his dad there's no structure to the day and they eat take-out pizza almost exclusively. His dad has also instilled in him a very real phobia of fruit which is also a problem. Not an easy situation. His older siblings stopped going with him to their dad in part because S13's behavioural problems escalate when he's in a more rule free environment. He usually stays up all night gaming while there, rarely goes outside and then when he comes back crashes and sleeps for 2 days.

After work yesterday I nudged S and we actually went for a walk around the village with the dog. Something we should be doing every day and something that rarely happens. We had a nice chat - she's struggling with what to do with the boys which is legit. She did say some things though that made me feel good. She mentioned that S18 really looks up to me which made me feel good. She also related a story that when S18 broke something of mine (I honestly don't remember what it was) his sister got all paniced and tried to help him concoct a story about how it was the cats so that he could avoid my anger. He said no - that he wasn't going to lie about it and that he didn't expect me to be raging. As I recall it, he told me about something breaking, I gave a big sigh, was very sad and we moved on with our lives.

S18 has some very real anxiety issues and I know stresses about getting into trouble. The environment that he was in with S's STBX (I nudged her yesterday about the divorce papers) had a lot of fear and stress about upsetting him. There were a lot of rules and a combination of anger and passive aggressiveness that made it a pretty toxic environment from what I gather.

It does reinforce what everyone here keeps repeating to me. Be a good role model. Show the proper way to deal with things. Show respect.

S and I also had a conversation where perhaps I put my foot in it more than a bit but I think it was important. I told her that this was all very tough, assuring her that I was sure that it would be worth it but also that there were indeed times when I looked back on my past boring predictable life with a bit of nostalgia. At first I think she was a bit offended and bothered but did agree that the first year will probably be tough as we adjust and that certainly as a mature couple it's a lot harder than it would be if were were 20 somethings with little baggage. I wanted to be open about the fact that this is taking work to make it work.

Still stressing here about my angiogram / plasty on Friday. And on having to sit still for a couple of days after. I'm not very good at that. I do have some plans on things to keep me occupied and less physically active. I have a couple of books, the plan is to also make digital copies of some of S's music and movies, index and sort them.

One thing that I have gotten better at though is dealing with the unexpected. My current role is all about that. I create a beautiful plan every morning, thought out a week in advance and then spend the day changing it as trucks don't show up, containers go missing, customer demand suddenly shifts. At work there's a great team of people who take it all in stride while at the same time passing the buck on to me to make the decisions - despite the fact they know more about all this than I do.

Well - back to it. So far things are running smoothly so I've probably now just cursed the rest of my day.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902719
08/26/20 03:50 PM
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Haha - your work sounds like your home life right now.

Quote
When S13 is with his dad there's no structure to the day and they eat take-out pizza almost exclusively.


The kid's mom is celiac, he has growth failure and he's still eating gluten? Short stature and delayed puberty (as well as difficulty gaining weight) can all be signs of celiac disease. And a negative celiac test doesn't rule out pretty severe gluten intolerance.I had a kid like this who grew 6 inches once we got her off gluten.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902720
08/26/20 03:51 PM
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He said no - that he wasn't going to lie about it and that he didn't expect me to be raging.


And this is so nice! I think your eventual relationship with this kid will be worth much more than any things you have in the house.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: kml] #2902723
08/26/20 04:59 PM
08/26/20 04:59 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
Haha - your work sounds like your home life right now.

Quote
When S13 is with his dad there's no structure to the day and they eat take-out pizza almost exclusively.


The kid's mom is celiac, he has growth failure and he's still eating gluten? Short stature and delayed puberty (as well as difficulty gaining weight) can all be signs of celiac disease. And a negative celiac test doesn't rule out pretty severe gluten intolerance.I had a kid like this who grew 6 inches once we got her off gluten.
It's gluten free pasta. A couple of our chains up here have it as an option. He's not diagnosed celiac but does have a known reaction to gluten.

I recall dropping him off to see his dad in the winter. He'd been left alone for the day - which is fine. I peeked in the fridge and there was 1 dozen eggs and a freezer full of frozen dinners to eat. That was it. I believe his dad does not cook.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: Dawn70] #2902796
08/27/20 07:02 PM
08/27/20 07:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Dawn70
Got it.....so see, I AM crazy. Yes, I knew that about the hose and we clean ours out periodically, but I'm still paranoid about the trap and always check it and empty it if necessary before starting a load. I always do it on the front end, but then I try to remember to do it after the last load as well so that if someone besides me does laundry, it is empty and ready to go. I don't always remember but most of the time I do.

i am also and i always check it before I start the dryer.


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902854
08/29/20 03:48 PM
08/29/20 03:48 PM
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For any of those playing the home game - I ain't dead.

I have a moderate sized hole in my wrist and will say that the Canadian medical system's interpretation of man-scaping is to say the least humourous.

The short version is that I'm fine and they didn't find anything to fix.

The cardiologist was a bit surprised in the pre-op interview when I said that I was actually having a fairly good day. Certainly some pressure being felt but that could well have been stress as well. On the other hand it's been nearly 8 months since my major episode that triggered me getting in there. During the prep they did give me some extra blood thinner which sort of validated my opinion that they were planning on installing a stent.

Having been through the procedure almost exactly 10 years ago I was fairly sure on what to expect and so made sure that I'd had nothing to eat and little to drink in advance. Everyone was in a good humour and we all had a good laugh when one of the nurses made a reference to needing a "three way". I chimed in that THAT was in no way what I'd signed up for and to count me out. Took them a minute to get the reference.

The actual procedure was pretty quick. They went in through my right wrist, had a look around briefly and then closed it all down. The cardiologist said that compared to what he saw 10 years ago that there was a definite improvement and lessening of the blockages that were visible. Stay on the meds that I'm on, work on the weight and physical activity. He did say that he has every expectation that I'll be back again for stents and even a bypass but that was probably well into the future. I have some forms to give back to my GP that say the same thing.

Listening to the other patients it seems that few of us that were in there got any sort of intervention. There were perhaps 8 or so of us being run through, 2 of whom arrived via ambulance but perhaps were transferred in from other facilities.

S wasn't allowed in and spent the day around town and did a bunch of shopping. Costco was undoubtedly very happy that she renewed the boys' wardrobes and picked up a number of other things as well. It wasn't cheap but she did show me the receipt and everything was in some way needed and she did get a good deal on it. We were able to have that conversation in a way that didn't feel confrontational in any way. She'd spent a lot of money. For a good reason. And explained it.

We went out to dinner to a restaurant that the cardiology nurses suggested that was decent and had a lot of gluten free options. Over dinner S started interrogating me on the types of chest pain that I'd been having and wouldn't let it go so I did have to ask her to stop pushing on that right then. It certainly did throw me off enjoying my meal. She does have this tenacity sometimes and won't let go of things that perhaps should be let ride for the moment.

It's going to be a frustrating few days. I'm not allowed to drive today, not allowed to lift anything heavy, especially with my right arm. S has had a very busy number of days babysitting her GS1 which involved her staying overnight, and then a lot of appointments that required her to be up and active at times she's normally not. I've set myself a task of making digital copies of all of S's CDs etc which she's agreed to have me do.

I'm not sure what the next steps are. I absolutely have chest pain and have had for well over 10 years. It causes symptoms very similar to heart attacks and it's my belief that the echo cardio-grams are showing that I've been having heart attacks. But the primary cause of clogged arteries isn't bad enough in the opinion of the professionals to be the cause. I'll definitely ask for a follow-up with my GP to go through things. It's like an old car that normally runs well but has it's own quirks and attitude.

S and I had a couple of conversations over dinner and while driving home around my ex-wife and former marriage. I think she is still baffled by the fact that while there were absolutely issues, that I was generally pretty content, that we worked decently well together as a team, and that there were at least as far as I knew, no underlying issues that precipitated her to cheat.

S, the boys and I continue to work on navigating our new lives. Certainly staying single would have been a lot easier for me in the short term. As much as I try not to look at this as a rescue, I do know that S's life is materially and probably emotionally better than it would have been if she hadn't tracked me down and lassoed me. Not to say that this is a one-sided relationship. I do get benefit out of it. I have a kind and loving partner who is generally very supportive. We have a long way to go still though and it will always be a work in progress and not something to take for granted.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902917
09/01/20 02:02 PM
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Had an interesting and illuminating conversation with S yesterday. We were going over the budget and again we'd blown through it, especially on groceries. There were also a few other expenses like over $100 at the thrift shop that didn't have a clear reason.

We were going through the charges and S commented that a number of the items that were under the grocery budget were spent while she was visiting her Dad or daughter (I knew that already). And that she'd noticed that they were short on something and had just "gone shopping". Similarly at the thrift shop. I think things just ended up in her cart.

She then said the thing that I think indicated that the light had come on. She said something to the effect that this was the first time ever that she's not had to count every penny and been constrained by that. The way she used to budget was to take her support payments, subtract off those fixed expenses and then that plus whatever she got from her part-time work was all there was. At the end of the month I know that she at times literally didn't have two dollars to rub together. So this is a very very different world for her and she has I hope realized that she needs to adjust her thinking. There's not a bottomless well of money - we actually almost maxed out the over-draft this past month - but it's a much deeper well than she's ever had to deal with.

We'll see how we do in future months. At least we are having the conversations and they aren't a source of friction. She knows that the well does indeed have a bottom and has said that she'll keep a closer eye on things going forward. Up to now it's just been me managing the "family" finances while she is sorting out her separate finances. She has started moving money into the common fund though and is no longer targeting it to specific expenses and is looking at it more as "our's".

So - bumpy but good.

This Saturday it will have been 1 year since she asked me out. How the world has changed ....

---------------

I dropped off the information package from my cardiologist to my GP with a note asking about next steps. My blood pressure has actually settled down into "normal" ranges lately but I still know that there's something wrong. Could be acid reflux for all I know. Given though the responses of the technicians who had been doing the tests up to my angio-gram the odds of it being heart related are I would think pretty high and my symptoms certainly match cardiac more than GI. While I read up on it, I try to take what "Dr Google" says with a grain of salt.

S is off to help her daughter again today - she's been minding her grandson for them so they don't have to get daycare. She might be home late tonight and tomorrow has to take D19 off for her appointments and will visit with her Dad in the same city. She may also go down early and stay over with her Dad so that she doesn't have to get up early 2 days in a row. So S18 and I are bacheloring it. I have some beef out to make a pot of chili for us. S18 has expressed some interest in learning how to cook from me. S thinks he can but lacks the confidence but by the sounds of what she's had him try in the past it's a bit more ambitious than basic bachelor cooking. She's said that he stresses out when doing it as he doesn't want to do it "wrong". That's where my style of cooking which is more "throw it into a pot and hope" might be better for him.

Have a great day all.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902923
09/01/20 04:02 PM
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I hope you will not provide her a credit card while she is away to " take care of everyone but you"!
I no longer see this as a rescue. You are way pass that stage

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902927
09/01/20 04:31 PM
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Although she sounds relieved to be off her tight budget, this might be an opportunity for the "envelope system" type of budgeting to come into play. It worked great for me when I was younger, and can really help you "see" where your money is going and whether your priorities are right.

Great that you will be teaching S18 some cooking skills. My Aspie son was the same, worried about doing things "right', but he's now become a pretty proficient cook and really enjoys it. In his world food is love and he loves to cook for others.

It's great that you didn't have to have a stent and that your arteries actually looked a little better. It is possible to have angina that is triggered by coronary blood vessel spasm rather than clogging. It's also possible to have esophageal spasm that feels like a heart attack. Hopefully you have some nitroglycerin to keep on hand. Books by Dr. Sinatra, a cardiologist, are a good resource on integrative methods to improve your heart disease.

S nags you about your chest pain because she's worried about losing you.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902931
09/01/20 05:15 PM
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I donít want to step outside my area of expertise here - even though a core of what I did was cardiac, including filling in at a lab exactly like you were in. Beyond that my ex wife managed the second largest cardiac cath lab in the state. That came with my constant interactions with both cardiologists and electrophysiologists who I had constant medical conversations with since I always love to further my knowledge and patient care. Now maybe things have changed since my divorce and my departure from patient care along with constant Continued education. However the procedure you had is considered the diagnostic gold standard. There is nothing better. Dude, they told you you donít have acute cardiac disease. Why donít you want to believe them? If this was a chemical treadmill or echocardiogram or heart scan or something, Iíd share your skepticism. But itís rare for a cath to miss something. Now as KML says, there are other disease process beyond blockages. There could be electrical problems though you have never reported here having palpitations, racing heart sensations, skipped beats or irregular hear beats (all have medical terms I could use but keeping it simple). So at this point you have had the definitive Internal exam And youíre clear or at least clear enough to not warrant intervention. Thatís good news! Stop looking for it to be bad. At this point itís much more likely to be acid reflux, muscle issues or my best guess, stress related. Itís very likely not cardiac based on your own tests And findings. Please stop trying to find the zebra in the horse field. You have had the gold standard test and passed.

As for S, she continues to talk a good game. And you continue to want to believe her. Sheís claimed sheís going to do or try or change so many things. Yet itís been mostly just talk. Believe what she does - not what she says. This applies to starting her new business, chores for the kids, cleaning, disciplining the kids and the latest, spending your money. It will change when she actually decides to change it. Until then itís just talk.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903112
09/04/20 04:08 PM
09/04/20 04:08 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
AndrewP  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
Looking forward to the long weekend. It's been a rough couple of weeks. My heart procedure plus the challenges in my personal and professional life.

D28 prompted me on Wednesday when we were chatting online that we've not talked in a while so we had a nice phone call on Thursday as I drove home from the plant. She and her H are doing "ok" but not great in San Diego. Current events have them rather freaked out and they are staying close to home. She mentioned that there's a chance that they may be moving yet again and possibly back up in this direction and possibly even to this side of the border. We'll have to wait and see. Disappointing in some ways because I had been looking forward to visiting them in California - although them not being there doesn't mean that I couldn't go. I was talking to S about this and was rather surprised that she had zero interest in seeing San Diego. It's supposed to be quite a lovely city.

"Because reasons" I've not been sleeping well lately and have been having very vivid dreams - often involving my ex-wife. Last night was another in that theme where she was trying to reconcile but with all the arrogance and entitlement that she had for pretty much our whole marriage and still perpetuating lies and cheating. Sigh - the gift that keeps giving. S26 was in the dream too and seemed disgusted by his mother's antics but was carefully staying out of it. I really can't see this dream ever having any sort of echo in reality but they always do throw me for a loop especially since I'll often wake up in a rage and have to calm myself down and remind myself that this has nothing to do with reality.

The full moon is perhaps one of the reasons I wasn't sleeping well. I read somewhere that it can affect sleep. I do have occasional rare bouts of insomnia and never checked to see if it correlates to that. I do know that I was in a grump as S and I had a bit of an argument earlier.

I tend to agree with those who write here that she has a lot to lose if this relationship goes sideways and that she's very aware of that. I believe that she has a lot of things buried - annoyances, resentments etc that pop out when she's tired. And I'm a delicate little snowflake and it bothers me when it does. Which I then stew about which makes me grumpy which annoys her and the cycle repeats. For most things she is technically correct in her complaints - the best sort of correct - but phrases them in ways that make me defensive and feel like I'm not being as good of a partner as I should be. When she's angry she usually drops little comments for which there is no defense or that the defense would be excessively complicated. Like yesterday's "well obviously fixing up the back porch has never been something you are interested in doing". Or the zinger "you keep saying they're not your kids".

I did ask her if she had plans on going back to see her IC who has helped her quite a lot but who she hasn't seen since the start of the pandemic. It took some work to find the phrasing that didn't imply that she "should" go and see her therapist. It's not high on her list and she's wanting to use the available therapy time for S18 who does indeed need it.

I do keep in mind as well S's comments that she has never celebrated a first anniversary. And it's coming up on a year since we started dating so this is perhaps when the bloom is off the rose and she pre-expects things to be going sideways. There's also the stress of the unpacking and dealing with a lot of the stuff she's been hauling around. Something she's going to have to work herself up to be able to do. Keeping her mother's coats "just in case one of the girls might want them" or all of the items purchased cheap - many of which have never been used and still have the original stickers on them - are all things that are going to be tough on her to deal with.

But at least she's making the effort. Her D26 was supposed to be here today and in preparation every flat surface is covered with "stuff". But her daughter bailed and said that maybe she'll come on Monday.

I've also noticed an increasing tendency for jealousy with S. The "who's that" and "where do you know that person from" sort of questioning is increasing. I have no trouble telling her exactly who people are and how I know them and what interactions I've had but still it is a bit of a worrying trend. My ex-wife kept me fairly isolated and discouraged most of my friendships, especially with women so it's something that is "a thing" I'm sure.

I do worry that this won't work out and know that if it doesn't that the "untangling" would certainly be complex. We are certainly going through a rougher time of it than the sunshine and roses stage. I'm clearly aware of the "sunk costs" fallacy but it does also play in my mind that short term pain for long term gain is part of the way that the world works.

When I was talking to D28, I did mention that if this doesn't work out that I probably would stay on my own going forward. If she and her H were in the area it certainly would be easier. But there's no reason to throw in the towel or throw S and the kids out on to the street. I do need to continue to work harder on making sure that I have a voice in my own future which for me isn't easy. I know that S is trying hard too and having difficulties as well. She just has more practice in navigating this and perhaps in burying and letting things fester.

Le sigh. I may make a meatloaf. If in doubt - cook seems to help. Although this weekend is going to be a "cleaning" weekend.

-------------

Work has continued crazy but good. I had some concerns that one of the other department heads was getting annoyed at the short timelines I'd been giving them so I asked to chat. He gave me some very positive feedback that they're really happy with how I'm managing my side of the fence and that he thinks everything is working great. I'm still going to work harder on improving my planning and communication.

A while ago I passed my hand-washing safety training. I even have a frame-able certificate. I now am officially trained on how to take a shower. Since I'm spending an increasing amount of time in the plant I felt that I needed to know what to do in case of exposure so had one of the staff take me around and go through the procedures on how to use the eye-wash and shower station. So I'm all trained on that now.

It's interesting work. So many things to keep track of and to just "know". I'm really enjoying it which is a nice change from the last few years where my previous role was continually being minimized and marginalized.

I asked S out last night for a date night and we had a nice dinner. I blathered on about work for a while and she patiently listened with minimal eye rolling. Even though it's interesting and exciting to me, I know that it's not for most people. The subject of retirement came up. Even though technically I could have retired more than a year ago at 55, my plan is to work until 72. That maximizes my monthly retirement income. If I hadn't gotten the $200K financial hit from my divorce I could have probably comfortably retired at 65 or possibly even earlier if I did part-time work.

S doesn't currently seem happy about this although it's something I've been open about since we started dating. We'll see how that all works out.

Well - enough for now - time to make myself a bite of lunch.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903117
09/04/20 04:48 PM
09/04/20 04:48 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,346
L
LH19 Online
Member
LH19  Online
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,346
Originally Posted by AndrewP
Looking forward to the long weekend. It's been a rough couple of weeks. My heart procedure plus the challenges in my personal and professional life.

D28 prompted me on Wednesday when we were chatting online that we've not talked in a while so we had a nice phone call on Thursday as I drove home from the plant. She and her H are doing "ok" but not great in San Diego. Current events have them rather freaked out and they are staying close to home. She mentioned that there's a chance that they may be moving yet again and possibly back up in this direction and possibly even to this side of the border. We'll have to wait and see. Disappointing in some ways because I had been looking forward to visiting them in California - although them not being there doesn't mean that I couldn't go. I was talking to S about this and was rather surprised that she had zero interest in seeing San Diego. It's supposed to be quite a lovely city.

"Because reasons" I've not been sleeping well lately and have been having very vivid dreams - often involving my ex-wife. Last night was another in that theme where she was trying to reconcile but with all the arrogance and entitlement that she had for pretty much our whole marriage and still perpetuating lies and cheating. Sigh - the gift that keeps giving. S26 was in the dream too and seemed disgusted by his mother's antics but was carefully staying out of it. I really can't see this dream ever having any sort of echo in reality but they always do throw me for a loop especially since I'll often wake up in a rage and have to calm myself down and remind myself that this has nothing to do with reality.

The full moon is perhaps one of the reasons I wasn't sleeping well. I read somewhere that it can affect sleep. I do have occasional rare bouts of insomnia and never checked to see if it correlates to that. I do know that I was in a grump as S and I had a bit of an argument earlier.

I tend to agree with those who write here that she has a lot to lose if this relationship goes sideways and that she's very aware of that. I believe that she has a lot of things buried - annoyances, resentments etc that pop out when she's tired. And I'm a delicate little snowflake and it bothers me when it does. Which I then stew about which makes me grumpy which annoys her and the cycle repeats. For most things she is technically correct in her complaints - the best sort of correct - but phrases them in ways that make me defensive and feel like I'm not being as good of a partner as I should be. When she's angry she usually drops little comments for which there is no defense or that the defense would be excessively complicated. Like yesterday's "well obviously fixing up the back porch has never been something you are interested in doing". Or the zinger "you keep saying they're not your kids".

I did ask her if she had plans on going back to see her IC who has helped her quite a lot but who she hasn't seen since the start of the pandemic. It took some work to find the phrasing that didn't imply that she "should" go and see her therapist. It's not high on her list and she's wanting to use the available therapy time for S18 who does indeed need it.

I do keep in mind as well S's comments that she has never celebrated a first anniversary. And it's coming up on a year since we started dating so this is perhaps when the bloom is off the rose and she pre-expects things to be going sideways. There's also the stress of the unpacking and dealing with a lot of the stuff she's been hauling around. Something she's going to have to work herself up to be able to do. Keeping her mother's coats "just in case one of the girls might want them" or all of the items purchased cheap - many of which have never been used and still have the original stickers on them - are all things that are going to be tough on her to deal with.

But at least she's making the effort. Her D26 was supposed to be here today and in preparation every flat surface is covered with "stuff". But her daughter bailed and said that maybe she'll come on Monday.

I've also noticed an increasing tendency for jealousy with S. The "who's that" and "where do you know that person from" sort of questioning is increasing. I have no trouble telling her exactly who people are and how I know them and what interactions I've had but still it is a bit of a worrying trend. My ex-wife kept me fairly isolated and discouraged most of my friendships, especially with women so it's something that is "a thing" I'm sure.

I do worry that this won't work out and know that if it doesn't that the "untangling" would certainly be complex. We are certainly going through a rougher time of it than the sunshine and roses stage. I'm clearly aware of the "sunk costs" fallacy but it does also play in my mind that short term pain for long term gain is part of the way that the world works.

When I was talking to D28, I did mention that if this doesn't work out that I probably would stay on my own going forward. If she and her H were in the area it certainly would be easier. But there's no reason to throw in the towel or throw S and the kids out on to the street. I do need to continue to work harder on making sure that I have a voice in my own future which for me isn't easy. I know that S is trying hard too and having difficulties as well. She just has more practice in navigating this and perhaps in burying and letting things fester.

Le sigh. I may make a meatloaf. If in doubt - cook seems to help. Although this weekend is going to be a "cleaning" weekend.

-------------

Work has continued crazy but good. I had some concerns that one of the other department heads was getting annoyed at the short timelines I'd been giving them so I asked to chat. He gave me some very positive feedback that they're really happy with how I'm managing my side of the fence and that he thinks everything is working great. I'm still going to work harder on improving my planning and communication.

A while ago I passed my hand-washing safety training. I even have a frame-able certificate. I now am officially trained on how to take a shower. Since I'm spending an increasing amount of time in the plant I felt that I needed to know what to do in case of exposure so had one of the staff take me around and go through the procedures on how to use the eye-wash and shower station. So I'm all trained on that now.

It's interesting work. So many things to keep track of and to just "know". I'm really enjoying it which is a nice change from the last few years where my previous role was continually being minimized and marginalized.

I asked S out last night for a date night and we had a nice dinner. I blathered on about work for a while and she patiently listened with minimal eye rolling. Even though it's interesting and exciting to me, I know that it's not for most people. The subject of retirement came up. Even though technically I could have retired more than a year ago at 55, my plan is to work until 72. That maximizes my monthly retirement income. If I hadn't gotten the $200K financial hit from my divorce I could have probably comfortably retired at 65 or possibly even earlier if I did part-time work.

S doesn't currently seem happy about this although it's something I've been open about since we started dating. We'll see how that all works out.

Well - enough for now - time to make myself a bite of lunch.


Andy,

My Canadian friend it sounds like you are having second thoughts about your current situation. I am not going to give you a hard time about the "I told you sos" (but I did lol). Why did/does everything have to move so fast? You have a lot to lose here including your health and your children. You have not reached the point of no return. You don't have to go through with this and see it to the end. People get blinded in the early stages of relationships. You took on a lot more then anyone could or would expect. If it is bad now it isn't going to get any easier. Time to do some soul searching with no fear. What does Andy want?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903125
09/04/20 06:18 PM
09/04/20 06:18 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,598
D
Dawn70 Offline
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Dawn70  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,598
(((Andrew)))

Not sure why but reading that just made me think you need a virtual hug. Listen, my friend...I have been hard on you with this whole S deal and it is mainly because you remind me greatly of a very dear friend of mine and I'm saying things to you that I would say to him in a similar situation. It sounds to me like the rose colored glasses are coming off and you are starting to see things for what they are. It is easy, especially in the early glow of love, to see only the good. It is easy to just "hear" the good parts and kind of drown out the negative. Some of the things that you are opening your eyes to now, though, show that you are kind of coming off that love drunk high that is so prevalent initially. I have said before and I'll say again, I'm sure S is a lovely woman in her own right. I don't think you would fall for someone who wasn't because you are a nice guy. But, the biggest red flag (or one of them anyway) for me is that she has been married several times and is still not legally divorced. And, on top of that, you say that she said something about never celebrating a first anniversary. That made me wonder...does she not celebrate them because the relationship doesn't last long enough or does she not celebrate them because neither she nor the men she has chosen in the past are really much on that type of stuff? Either way, it is weird but if it is the first reason, that should tell you something. You have been quick to paint her as the damsel in distress that picks these terrible boobs for partners, but is there a point where you stop and really think and go "d@mn...it COULD be HER?" That's a rhetorical question, by the way, so no need to respond.

I get the sense that you are a pretty good communicator, though you are very conflict avoidant (because come on now, who truly likes to fight?) but I also get the sense, based on things that you say, that S is not at all a good communicator and that she takes a more aggressive approach. She seems very suspicious and maybe that is part of her old relationships carrying over to you. Has she been cheated on in the past? You may have already told us that and my brain fog has it covered at the moment, but why does it matter how you know someone? I mean, seriously, if she pulled that crap on me, I would be hard-pressed not to call her out for STILL BEING MARRIED to someone else. She's fine with living in your house and relying on your resources that you freely give, unchecked, according to a recent post, while she's married to someone else, but you can't have a female friend that you have known for years without her suspicions being raised? That seems terribly insecure to me.

I totally agree with everything LH said above. Andrew, you REALLY need to step back and take a good, hard, analytical look at what you really and truly want. Don't think about S and her kids for a minute and JUST think about Andrew. When Sparky and I were settling into our routine, we had this discussion and I made him think about it and voice what it was that HE wanted. I asked him, if he could make all the decisions without any input from me or any concern for his mother and he only got to worry about him, what would he do. He thought about it for a few days then came back to me and we had a very honest discussion. I urge you to do that for yourself, Andrew. I know that you will want to think about how hurt S would be and you even said in your own post there's no reason to throw in the towel or throw S and crew out in the street. STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM FOR A MINUTE and just think about Andrew. In an ideal world, if you could get exactly what you want, what would that look like? You clearly are starting to have some doubts and trying to convince yourself that you are not having doubts, but your not sleeping "because reasons" tells me that this is all niggling at you a lot more than you are letting on here. As far as her being snippy because you say they aren't your kids.....well, duh.....THEY AREN'T YOUR KIDS! I, of course, don't know the context of which that comment was made, but that comes across as a very entitled thing for her to say to me. Almost as if now that she has you hooked and has moved into your house, you are now responsible for all of them even though you are not legally bound or obligated in any way. I don't know, maybe it is just me, but the more we hear, the less I'm convinced that she's as lovely as I might like to give her credit for. But, as I said to Deja on her post...you are a grown man and you have to make the choices that are right for your life and you have to live with the consequences, good or bad. But, seriously, Andrew, PLEASE...I am begging.....PLEASE at least think about what is best for Andrew and only Andrew for just a minute.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903143
09/04/20 10:34 PM
09/04/20 10:34 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
K
kml Offline
Member
kml  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
Quote
"well obviously fixing up the back porch has never been something you are interested in doing". Or the zinger "you keep saying they're not your kids".


AS for statement number 1, I'd say from the pictures that I've seen it wasn't a priority for you - but why should it have been? You had an awful lot on your plate. The state of my front yard since CMM's cancer diagnosis isn't anything to write home about either, but priorities are priorities.

As for statement number 2, I agree with the posters above - THEY'RE NOT YOUR KIDS!. They may become your kids, over time, as the relationships grow between you and them, but right now, they're her kids and you're the relatively new boyfriend. What was the context of her statement? I can see she might feel the fantasy isn't quite materializing like she thought it would, with one big seamless Brady Bunch melding of families. I think it's appropriate to discuss with her that while you're committed to having the boys there and trying to help them grow up to be men, it's far too early for you to be assuming the complete step-father role and they wouldn't appreciate it either. It takes time (and I suspect patience isn't one of her strengths).

Quote
I was talking to S about this and was rather surprised that she had zero interest in seeing San Diego. It's supposed to be quite a lovely city.


It IS a lovely city, with perfect weather most of the time and lots of fun things to do! Is S just not that interested in travel in general, or doesn't like beaches, or is intimidated by the idea of meeting your daughter? It'll really be a shame if you don't get to visit while your daughter is here, but the way things are going with Covid, that might not happen.

Quote
"Because reasons" I've not been sleeping well lately and have been having very vivid dreams
This might have less to do with your relationship with S and more to do with your recent procedure and the fears that stirred up. Thank god I stopped having those kinds of dreams about my ex within a couple of years of our divorce.

Quote
I do keep in mind as well S's comments that she has never celebrated a first anniversary.
I do suspect this is because none of her previous guys had a clue and would put out the effort to make her feel special. My ex was capable of romantic gestures but was very hit -and -miss about Valentine's Day, saying it was too commercialized. But in retrospect I can see that his interest in the holiday waxed and waned with his interest in other women outside the marriage, whether theoretical or physical. Silly me, being so understanding and undemanding. Do your relationship a favor and make her feel special on that day.
Quote
she pre-expects things to be going sideways
I believe this is true, so make a nice gesture. Dinner date out, a piece of jewelry, flowers, you know how to do this. (Best Valentine's Day I had was Crazy Ex Boyfriend sneaking in and filling my bedroom with helium balloons in the middle of the night. Too bad I learned after his breakdown that he did the same for OW too lol. )

Quote
Keeping her mother's coats "just in case one of the girls might want them" or all of the items purchased cheap - many of which have never been used and still have the original stickers on them - are all things that are going to be tough on her to deal with.
This is some real hoarding/shopaholic behavior (aided by a poverty mindset). (Unless they're mink coats of course!). This is something you're going to have to help her get under control now before you end up on an episode of Hoarders. (Do you get that show in Canada?). Also a good reason to keep her on an allowance for shopping.

Quote
I've also noticed an increasing tendency for jealousy with S. The "who's that" and "where do you know that person from" sort of questioning is increasing.
I never had a jealous boyfriend before CMM and I must say, I don't care for it. But I suspect in his case - and in hers - it comes from a place of deep insecurity. In CMM's case, it's the feeling of "I'm just some ailing guy with stage 4 cancer and she could have anybody!" (In his minds I'm not a chubby middle-aged woman but some kind of goddess - I'll leave beer goggles on for now wink ). In S's case, she probably feels a similar sense of "what is he doing with me and all my baggage" but also you haven't exactly done a lot of socializing as a couple due to Covid and moving. Might be something to work towards in the future.

Quote
The subject of retirement came up. Even though technically I could have retired more than a year ago at 55, my plan is to work until 72. That maximizes my monthly retirement income. If I hadn't gotten the $200K financial hit from my divorce I could have probably comfortably retired at 65 or possibly even earlier if I did part-time work.

S doesn't currently seem happy about this although it's something I've been open about since we started dating. We'll see how that all works out.
What's your sense of why she's not happy about that? Is it because she liked having you home and thinks she would like that in retirement? Do you think it's because she wants to go off and retire and play golf every day? Or do you think it's because she's worried about your longevity and wants you to enjoy retirement while you can? One thing to explain to her is that you enjoy your work - some people have trouble with that concept if they haven't had the pleasure of work they enjoyed.

Speaking of work - how far are you from S starting her business up that you had discussed? Is it just dead in the water because of Covid for the moment, or is it just waiting for her to finish unpacking? Is the stuff she has all laid out things that she wants daughter to choose things from, or help her decide what to keep or not? Is that an activity you could do with her or is it best you stay out of it?

I know you feel a bit of a dip right now, and it's understandable with the fear and worry on both sides precipitated by your health issues. And there is the problem of moving in cutting into date time. But I agree with you that this is probably just a natural temporary state of affairs and it's ok to keep working on your communication skills at the moment. I do think she's scared and pushes you away out of fear of abandonment.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903173
09/05/20 02:28 PM
09/05/20 02:28 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
AndrewP  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
Thanks all.

Originally Posted by LH19
What does Andy want?
That's an excellent question and one that I honestly haven't given much thought to in recent months. Been too busy just getting from one day to the other.

Originally Posted by Dawn70
(((Andrew)))

Not sure why but reading that just made me think you need a virtual hug.
Thanks Dawn - it's well needed

Originally Posted by Dawn70
That made me wonder...does she not celebrate them because the relationship doesn't last long enough or does she not celebrate them because neither she nor the men she has chosen in the past are really much on that type of stuff?
Some from column A and some from column B. From her side, all her past partners were selfish man-babies. The truth is undoubtedly something different.

Originally Posted by Dawn70
I get the sense that you are a pretty good communicator, though you are very conflict avoidant (because come on now, who truly likes to fight?)
Thanks. After I found out about her affair my ex-wife was I think afraid of me because of her belief in my ability to use words to lift up a slab of skin, salt it and lay it back down. I usually use my powers for good wink I actually have a lot of difficulty in being negative about anything or anyone. It's not in my DNA. Communication is though 90% of what I've done professionally for 35 years or so, the other 10% being math these days it seems.

Originally Posted by Dawn70
I also get the sense, based on things that you say, that S is not at all a good communicator and that she takes a more aggressive approach. She seems very suspicious and maybe that is part of her old relationships carrying over to you. Has she been cheated on in the past?
S actually has a degree in English and had been intending to study law before she got sidelined by pregnancy, a car accident and divorce. Twice. I do know that one partner who she was engaged to had a wife she didn't know about. She suspects it in a couple of other cases but other than that one case doesn't seem to think it much of a factor. As far as communication and collaboration goes, she is I think so used to being "the Mom" that the idea that someone else may have an opinion that matters is novel to her.

Even though I personally have a hard time with believing it, I do think that she believes that I am prime Canada grade A husband on the hoof material. She pursued me. Agressively. And she's not the only one. CL seemed to have future plans all figured out and crashed a family reunion with plans to stay over with me (she was in the spare room). After one interaction at her store, B was very vigorous in hunting me down. There were perhaps others that I was just too dim to notice. Certainly a number of single female friends became extra friendly and even casual acquaintances. I was creeped out about a year ago when it seemed that one of the clerks at the shop across the street was flirting with me and I asked about her school. Which got me a retort that she was "so much older than that"

I do think that S is insecure in the relationship which is perhaps why she holds things in that perhaps should be discussed in an open fashion. And yes, in some ways I'm insecure about it too. After all I spent pretty much my whole adult life in a relationship where it was made plain to me that I was darned lucky to be married to her. And believed that myself. Which is how I ended up here.

As an aside - it was B's 58th birthday a couple of days ago. I lurked on her social media - lots of people expressing hopes that her husband was spoiling her well. Just brought to mind how bizarre that relationship must be regardless of whether they are intimate again or not. He had multiple affairs and rubbed it in her face. She left - but intentionally stayed married "for financial reasons" and had at least 3 serious relationships all of which he probably knew about and then went back. Ick. Just ick.

Originally Posted by kml
Quote
I was talking to S about this and was rather surprised that she had zero interest in seeing San Diego. It's supposed to be quite a lovely city.


It IS a lovely city, with perfect weather most of the time and lots of fun things to do! Is S just not that interested in travel in general, or doesn't like beaches, or is intimidated by the idea of meeting your daughter? It'll really be a shame if you don't get to visit while your daughter is here, but the way things are going with Covid, that might not happen.
I hate to say it, but I think it's a lack of imagination. Although that's an unkind turn of phrase. More accurately, S seems to have zero interest in any sort of travel. Which is fine. Perhaps because it's never been an option? I dunno. She went to Disney with the kids and her ex-husband about 11 years ago. She likes going to a water-park for a few days once a year. Her parents took her to Cuba once when she was about 30. That's the total of her travels. Not even just going for an explore beyond our local area.

As far as spending time with my daughter, I think it's a non-event thing for her. Not looking forward to it, nor dreading it. Again, I dunno. She seems to have a similar thing with her friends and own immediate family including her own children. She's happy to see them but doesn't go out of her way to just "visit".

Originally Posted by kml
This is some real hoarding/shopaholic behavior (aided by a poverty mindset). (Unless they're mink coats of course!). This is something you're going to have to help her get under control now before you end up on an episode of Hoarders. (Do you get that show in Canada?).
We do get it although I've not had cable for years. My ex-wife liked watching it and she had some mild hoarder tendencies too. When we were away last month, there was cable in the hotel room and S loved watching that show. And like my ex-wife would make comments to me of "well - I'm not that bad".

Originally Posted by kml
Speaking of work - how far are you from S starting her business up that you had discussed? Is it just dead in the water because of Covid for the moment, or is it just waiting for her to finish unpacking? Is the stuff she has all laid out things that she wants daughter to choose things from, or help her decide what to keep or not? Is that an activity you could do with her or is it best you stay out of it?
I stay out of it. TBH - I can see her setting up in the front porch but I can't see her having the discipline to make a serious go of it. I could be wrong of course and would be happy about that but I do believe that she's not capable of a solid sustained effort without outside influences pushing her on that. She believes that she can but has a history of it not working in past endeavours. It's a delicate line to tread to be positive and encouraging but to also not get too invested financially and emotionally in it working out. I can see her being successful doing occasional workshops which is one of the routes she is thinking of.

As a perfect example, she had some appliances that were surplus. 2 small freezers and a dish-washer. They sat for a long time until I dug them out. She then insisted that I be the one to compose the online ads, follow up and even though she was physically available, be the one to negotiate with the buyer when they came to pick them up. That's no way to run a doughnut stand.

So - my plan right now is to cruise along and leave all of that to her. Be supportive as appropriate but not be the one to initiate. It's just like with her divorce. She should have had that done at a minimum 18 months ago. The papers are still on the table. She's filled them out, we've budgeted the money for the filing, but she just hasn't taken them to the court-house to get stamped. I've made the decision that as far as the wedding goes, that if it comes up (which it hasn't for some time) I'll just say that until the divorce is filed and accepted by the courts that there is no purpose in planning a wedding that we might not be able to have without her divorce being final. Not that I have any substantial belief that she's keeping him as a Plan B although she continues to use his health plan, but more that in the world of "[censored] or get off the pot", she's on level 573 of Candy Crush.

----

S took me aside yesterday and we had a talk about communication. She knew that I was bothered by recent things and addressed one of the sore points. When I talk I tend to do a lot of exposition. It's just the way that I am and it does come across as man-splaining and to S it grates because it feels repetitive as I've often done the same exposition before. This gets me an eye-roll and she tends to cut me off mid explain. Often before I get to the point I want to make.

She also wanted to let me know that despite how she talks that she doesn't actually expect me to drop everything to do whatever whim is passing through. She explained to me that I need to ask the question and she needs to try to preface things with a time-line. As she explained it to me and I have enough experience now to realize, she lives in the "now". All times are "now". This is where she gets things all muddled up (from my point of view) talking about a job she might have had 25 years ago, a house she lived in 10 years ago all as if everything is current. So when she talks about renovations for example, she "knows" that it requires planning and saving but short-circuits that to "why isn't this done".

I on the other hand am someone who forms detailed plans years out.

A friend of mine - CL in actual fact - once posted the question of - "Do you see the future as something coming towards you or you as advancing towards the future?". My answer was that I see myself as advancing towards the future. S was baffled by the question.


It was a good conversation about conversation.


On BD
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T27, M26
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BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903176
09/05/20 03:16 PM
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Perhaps then S should just take a job in retail in some shop nearby? Once Covid has resolved? I agree that it doesnít sound like she has the skills needed to run a business on her own, and if sheíd like you to retire earlier than 72, youíd get there faster if she had an income too.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903187
09/05/20 08:29 PM
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Btw - she might be dawdling on the divorce paperwork precisely because of the health insurance, if thatís better coverage for her and her kids. I donít know how that works in Canada. She might have fears things wonít work with you guys and then sheís be without that coverage? (Iím assuming itís better coverage than what she would get through Canada on her own? Or just cheaper? )

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: kml] #2903218
09/06/20 05:33 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
Btw - she might be dawdling on the divorce paperwork precisely because of the health insurance, if thatís better coverage for her and her kids. I donít know how that works in Canada. She might have fears things wonít work with you guys and then sheís be without that coverage? (Iím assuming itís better coverage than what she would get through Canada on her own? Or just cheaper? )
Here in Canada we all have basic health coverage and can go see a doctor for most ailments without fees other than parking - which a lot of people get upset about.

Outside of that basic coverage, for example for prescriptions or medical devices you need to pay out of pocket. When I went in for my angiogram they asked if I had coverage which would have meant the difference between a coated or un-coated stent.

You may remember John Lennon's glasses. If memory serves - and this may well be an apocryphal story, but he started wearing those as a protest for the cheap glasses that Britain's NHS would hand out. Just because there is universal care doesn't mean that the depth of coverage is the same. It's just that all are covered in some fashion.

There are programs that assist young and low income people with those costs. The boys are covered under their Dad's very generous plan which has 100% coverage for most things but does have caps on some services especially counseling. My own coverage is 80% for most things. I was fortunate that my GP was able to refer me to an excellent therapist within the hospital structure that I was able to see for several months for free. That woman perhaps literally saved my life.

S was very pleased when I told her early in our dating about the fact that during my own divorce that the lawyers advised me that my ex was eligible to stay on my health plan if she had any pre-existing conditions that she needed to use the plan for. I double-checked this with my own HR people and they confirmed this.

S made sure to tell her STBX (not really the right phrase - the "who knows when ex" is perhaps more accurate) that which he followed up on with his own HR. Being a blue-collar guy working on the production line in a non-union shop I would think his coverage would be similar to if perhaps not quite as good as my own coverage. Even though she relies on it, I don't think that is keeping her from filing.

I personally believe that S's not getting the filing for divorce together is at least in part because of her difficulty in initiating things rather than based on a calculation. From conversations we've had as recently as yesterday I think that she still has some worries about if this will work out and since I am perhaps the world's worst person at hiding how I feel, especially around an empath like her, she has picked up on the fact that I have gone through episodes of being grumpy and generally unhappy. Words can only reassure so much. Time as they say - will tell.


On BD
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But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903236
09/07/20 02:34 PM
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Iím not going to do an ďI told you soĒ

But do you see the value in truly getting to know someone and seeing if you have the same values, compatible lifestyles, etc? When we are in our 20ís with no kids, no homes, no assess, etc... jumping in is more feasible. When we get older and have much much more at stake, itís just not a wise choice. Taking the time to get to know someone before making huge commitments is fair to yourself, fair to them, and fair to the other family members involved. Itís affects everyoneís life involved, not just you and the other person when you are but a 20 something year old. I absolutely think you need to make decisions on staying or going on this relationship based upon what you want. But do you see how you jumped the gun and now a 13 year old boy will have to be uprooted yet again if you decide this relationship is not working ? Thatís what is at stake when you make this quick decisions. But I reiterate, you should make your decisions based on YOU. The child having a big change again shouldnít determine your decisions, but it should heed you to be more cautious in the future

You Had said felt the need the need to propose at 3 months because ďyou didnít want to lose herĒ you shouldnít need a proposal at 3 months not to lose someone. Everyone in the beginning puts their best foot forward. And time only reveals how compatible the two of you and your families really are.

I know you have said in the past ďshe is kindĒ and thatís all you want of a partner . To be honest, not, it takes a lot more than that. So much more.

You built a nice life and savings for yourself. You work hard for your money. You enjoy travel. She does not. And she does not work hard for her money. So, is she going to get on your case when you chose to spend your money on travel for yourself?

You also said ďWE budgeted for her divorceĒ Iím sorry, but a current partner should be putting a dime towards their partners divorce. Thatís not normal. Has she ever taken care of her own business before? It seems as if she goes from person person and hopes that person will take care of her responsibilities and her problems, even though it has never worked out that way.

You donít seem happy. You donít seem to be reaping in reward for what you put out in risk. Itís probably time to really sit woth this this and think about what you want for yourself and why you moved so fast with this. Take some time woth yourself and think this stuff through

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: Ginger1] #2903250
09/07/20 06:57 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
Time to do some soul searching with no fear. What does Andy want?


Originally Posted by Ginger1
Itís probably time to really sit woth this this and think about what you want for yourself and why you moved so fast with this. Take some time woth yourself and think this stuff through

This question has been asked in one form or another by pretty much everyone who has offered their comment, yet itís never been answered. Actually itís been answered as you donít know. That, to me, seems to be the crux of this. What do you want Andrew? And ďI really donít knowĒ is a non-answer, answer - especially at this age. So is not having thought about it.

What do you want? And are you getting it? You love travel. Are you getting it? Love piece and order. Are you getting it? Love to relax with a beer or two. Perhaps most sadly you donít seem to think you deserve what you want. You do! Itís clear you were not getting what you wanted and needed from your ex, yet it was only because she called it quits that the M ended. It was the same with B - and she again called it quits and went back to her husband, clearly making you the other man. I canít help but believe it will be the same with S. If this ends it will only be on her choice, even if she does not return to her ex. She was so anxious to move in. Where is her push and drive for the rest - including D?

What you want and need matters. I think itís just Familiar to you to be Lead around by the woman. Itís what feels normal. You not getting your needs met feels normal. IT IS NOT!

It really does come back to answering that pivotal question asked so many times but never really answered - what does Andrew want and need?


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WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903393
09/09/20 03:32 PM
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Dropping the Romulan cloaking device to say "Hello" and a few other tidbits:

The best and most wondrous two pieces of advice I've received since BD came from (of all people) our divorce mediator, and from a guy who has done work for our family for the past 17 years.

The divorce mediator sent me here which was a bonus, but advised that I take all the time I needed to know exactly what it is I wanted. Boy, was he right about that, from both the perspective of writing a divorce settlement and the perspective of living my life moving forward. I truly needed to heed that advice because I'd been in a relationship for so long, at that point over half my life, that I didn't even have the least clue of what I wanted separate from said relationship - or any other relationship, for that matter.

And that dovetailed beautifully with the advice received from the guy who has done work for us for so long, who had gone through his own divorce ten years before mine. His "lessons learned" advice focused solely on GAL activities and how to dip the toes back into adult social interaction. I've not found his words to be wrong at all in the five years since BD. He said that I knew who I was pre-relationship with exh. I knew who I was in relationship with exh (as a wife and mother), but I had yet to discover who I am now as an individual. He suggested taking the time to get to know the person I was post BD. Use the GAL time wisely, as we would say here in DB world. He said in his own journey he did a lot of the things he did pre-relationship. Some of those activities he still enjoyed, while others no longer appealed to him. He tried a variety of new things, some of which he enjoyed and some he had no interest in trying again. He took the time to learn how to be comfortable in his own skin, then he took more time to find companionship, and yet more time to decide who he is now in relationships and what he wants moving forward.

Andrew, I think you've done much of this. Only you know if you've done enough of this. Wishing you all the best, as usual. Shields up, cloaking device back on.


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903417
09/09/20 06:25 PM
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Happy Wednesday all! Going to be a challenging day. Our network connection to the plant is down so I'm planning in a vacuum. Fortunately the guys know more than I do on how to do things and have eyes to see what needs to be done so getting in my car and driving for an hour to tell them things they already know isn't necessary. My boss happened to be in the plant this morning and "of course" adjusted what I had planned but it will all work out and the guys know what to do for the day. And it also turned out that the production staff just did what seemed like a good idea to them at the time which actually worked out very well as the customer's priorities just happened to shift to match. I joked with them that they must have a horseshoe on their forehead.

-----------

Still not sleeping great. I was able to put my finger on it last night I think. I'm re-living my former marriage in many ways mentally at least. I'm feeling constrained and the "lightness" and flow of energy I used to feel isn't there. These are my feelings and I need to work on a way to change that attitude.

The unpacking is proceeding. With the help of S's D26 (she actually did all the figuring out), the laundry room is now all organized and I'm pretty happy with the results. The kitchen is a chaos zone but progress has been made. I'm going to have to live with this for at least a week though I think. S works well when her D26 tells her what to do.

S wants me to install a lot of cabinetry in the laundry room for storage. We have about 25 square feet of wall space available. I'm trying to figure out the most effective use of money and space. Ikea cabinets look like a good option to me but I need S to agree to a layout and we have to work up a budget. Personally I think that less stuff would be the best plan but S has real problems letting go of things.

I still think that this will all work out and TBH don't actually know what the future will look like. I don't want to paint that picture while the train is still moving. Concepts like "light" and "energy flow" are perhaps rather vague and new-ageish but that's the way my spirit flows.

We're still dealing with conflicts between the critters. I've not heard from S26 on if / when he might come for them. I've asked (again) for us to get together for dinner - radio silence. I personally think that he's staying well away from the chaos here. It's undoubtedly jarring for him but the girls I think will be happier somewhere where they aren't as crowded.

Well - that's all I have time for today. S and I are going to be leaving shortly to pick up S13 from his Dad's where he's been for over a week and bring him home to start home-schooling.


On BD
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Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903425
09/09/20 07:04 PM
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Is this storage in the laundry room for laundry and cleaning supplies, or just as another place to store more "stuff"? `If "stuff", I'd argue against it. If cleaning things - I have hanging cabinets above my washer and dryer and they are very handy for storing all the cleaning products, laundry detergent, bleach, dusting supplies, light bulbs, cleaning rags, Windex, Simple Green etc. etc. And having that storage space does allow me to save money by buying large Costco sized bottles or multiples of cleaning products when they're on sale.

My ex and I built a whole new kitchen for my mom once with flat-pack kitchen cabinets from Ikea - I got pretty fast at assembling them. But another alternative would be to look for someone who is redoing a perfectly good kitchen and getting their cast-off cabinets for free.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903427
09/09/20 07:23 PM
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Kml totally read my mind on everything she said. Cabinets would be a no go for me if it was just about a place to stash "stuff" because that just adds to the hoarding tendencies that already exist. A few hanging cabinets or even just sturdy shelves (which is what I had in my laundry room before I moved to Sparky's) will allow for storage of necessary goods needed in the laundry room along with other cleaning and household items. I was also going to suggest looking for someone who is getting new cabinets and buy their old ones if they are in good shape. It would likely save you a TON of money.

I worry about you, Andrew. I fear that your epiphany about reliving your past marriage keeping you awake is maybe even more true than you realize. If you go back and read things you say, there are a lot of similarities and under this new relationship with S, you do not seem to be the same light and breezy Andrew I've come to know and love. I suspect (and think you might have even mentioned before) that, while you are ok being single because you are a grown man who knows how to take care of himself, you prefer to be in a relationship and sped into this one because you found someone that checked enough boxes to make it worth your while. Of course, as I pointed out the other day, as the glow of first love wears off and you settle into more of a routine, you start to see some things as they really are and they may not look quite as rosy once the love fog lifts.

I'm not telling you to do anything or say anything and not even really looking for a response unless you just want to give one, but I guess what I'm really saying here is just be careful. Take care of Andrew. wink


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903509
09/10/20 08:08 PM
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My first suggestion was shelves. Cheap, easy to install and if they need to be pretty then baskets could be used. This was shot down because any mounting system was considered unattractive. I think that because we've had the door to the laundry room open for the warm weather and to give the cats more space that S thinks of it as part of the "main house" rather than something separate and closed off which is normally the way that it has been used.

And yes - this is for "stuff". The laundry room is a large room with built-in cupboards on one wall and a large cupboard built into the wall. Certainly more than enough room for anything laundry related plus. Historically these shelves have been only about 1/3 full although my ex-wife did have large piles of "stuff" all over that room. Two sets of book shelves have been put in that work as a pantry because S doesn't like going down into the cellar and I worried that the dampness wouldn't be good for a lot of what she uses. Not to mention the mice who would love to have snacks for their parties. We don't allow the cats access to the cellar - it's not safe for them.

The house does have a significant amount of storage space. My ex-wife was a bit of a hoarder and we got along just fine not even getting into a number of the spaces that are now filled. I of course pared down significantly and that's why 20S had lots of room for her stuff to move in - some of which is still there (yeah yeah).

Having S let go of stuff would be an uphill battle but she's been doing well with the stuff as we/she goes along with the unpacking. There are whole categories of stuff though that personally I don't see why she's hanging on to it that will just have to find a home somewhere.

-------------

I've been thinking very hard about the question that LH19 posed and others have echoed. What is it that I want. What is the end goal that I started this process looking for.

In some ways it's surprisingly tough to answer. I have no fears of being along. In some ways on a day to day basis, I quite like it. I certainly wasn't looking for someone to help me financially nor with the day to day running of the household.

There's an old line that most men my age and older are either looking for a nurse or a purse. That's not me.

Yesterday, it started to come to me as I poked looking for it.

I'm looking for the future that I lost. The future where I will navigate through life with a partner, a lover, a confidante. Someone to share dreams, laughter and sorrows with.

Is that the "best" answer or best set of reasons to make these changes that I have been making? I hope the answer is yes.

And yes Dawn - my light has been subdued quite a bit lately. I need to figure out how to re-kindle that. Getting the unpacking done and the space and flow through the house will undoubtedly help. Some personal GAL activities too. I walk hardly at all any more.

------------------

S and I had a talk about the boys yesterday when we headed out to pick up S13 and D19 (delivered to her place) from their dad. She seems ok with my comments that I need to rely on her to be the one to make and enforce the rules with the boys. She did mention that S18 is very focused on not disappointing me. She is worried about the fact that his room - where the bunnies live - is in pretty bad shape. The hutch is working well, but he doesn't keep it clean. There is indeed a bit of a barn-yard aroma in that part of the house. At least the mess is largely confined to the hutch which is designed for it.

She did say that if he doesn't up his game that she may well take his rabbits away from him. While I would support her in this choice, it would be very rough on the lad. He has a lot of self-confidence issues. He's been bolstered by things like when I had him cut the entire lawn on his own. I made a point of telling him that he did a good job. After-all - he did all things considered. He and I are going to head out to the farm next Monday to get the winter's worth of hay for the bunnies from my younger brother and pick up the pole trimmer to trim the apple tree. A number of the surplus apple limbs will be stacked and dried for the buns to enjoy over the winter. They are quite fond of them and S18 has easy to understand guidelines on what can be trimmed off at will (if it hits the house or car).

S13 has spent a week or more with his Dad which has made his behavioral issues a lot worse as his Dad does zero discipline and there is no structure nor rules. So that's going to take some time to settle him down. S will be working with him on those things. I told her that I felt that I shouldn't be setting the rules nor meting out the punishments and am counting on her. I would be fine though with reinforcing the rules that she sets.

Just as an aside - and it's probably completely nothing, but lately I've been getting a vibe / feeling like when B was steeling herself to leave. I have noticed that S's old apartment doesn't appear to have been re-rented and I believe she is I think holding back some of her income. I have no visibility into her finances and don't really want that.

From what I understand she held on to her apartment during the attempted reconciliation now about 2 years ago so it could fit into that pattern. She's been disappointed so very many times that it really wouldn't surprise me if she has a backup plan.

I am pretty sure that S is worried that this is the wrong set of choices. I'm a poor empath but the affection I feel does feel real but there is a bit of a wall at times. Perhaps that's normal as people settle in to a new relationship at a mature age. I really don't know. It's not something I have any practice with. But I can't shake the feeling that there's a whole layer of something going on.

Ah well - I started composing this at around 7:30 this morning. Been a nuts / crazy day here at the plant. It's so good to actually be able to get up and talk to people I need to talk to and to look at the things I need to look at. I keep making mistakes but work with a great group of people who take it in stride. I get the impression that I'm a lot tougher on myself then they are on me. I'm learning that on the days when I think I know what's going on, to prepare for it to all go sideways. They are also learning where I fall down and because I have such a good relationship with them, they are quick to remind me when I seem about to make a wrong choice knowing that I appreciate it. Who knew for example that sulphuric acid can turn green under certain circumstances. I now know laugh


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903512
09/10/20 08:30 PM
09/10/20 08:30 PM
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Sounds like maybe you need to be asking S more of these questions directly. As in "I notice your old apartment doesn't seem to be rented - are you holding on to it like you did with your last reconciliation?" No judgment, just a straightforward question.

`AS for her excess stuff - I'll suggest again an inexpensive toolshed you could put in the yard that her excess stuff could go into - the stuff it's unlikely she'll ever use.

And the laundry room - I think it's fair to say you prefer it function just as laundry and pantry as it does now, and would like to find other places to store excess "stuff".

S18 may need more organized cleaning time with some help to get the swing of keeping the bunny cage clean. Helping someone to clean it versus telling them to clean it can get better results especially if they feel overwhelmed by the task. As for her finances - don't you actually KNOW what her income is? It's pretty straightforward, isn't it - child support and/or spousal support and/or any government support she qualifies for? How can you budget as a family without knowing what she's bringing in? Why haven't you asked this question before?

As for your spidey senses - you were pretty on target last time, but it could be hard to tell if something similar is going on now, or there's just tension because she doesn't want to get rid of her hoarder stash, or if she's not just afraid of rejection and trying to reject you first.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903516
09/10/20 09:39 PM
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I think your answer to LHís question in what you are looking forward is probably something at anyoneís age is looking for. Itís a reasonable answer.

The question in response to that answer , for you, is, ďis this relationship fulfilling that?Ē

Not for any of us to answer but you.

And as far as your gut feeling as to the vibe you are getting from her...... the gut is usually right. But also, I know when this happened with B, you werenít happy in the relationship either. Are you happy in the relationship with S? Usually when those guy feelings come, itís because you feel it in your gut too, for YOURSELF and where you stand in the R.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903552
09/11/20 12:53 PM
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Thanks kml / Ginger1

kml - She has shared her income/expense numbers with me a few times but not in the last couple of months. I doubt that they've changed much other than her second youngest now being 18 which has cut some of the government support.

According to my math she should have some modest savings at this point - likely enough for first / last if she chose to bail. I certainly don't begrudge her that. And while I find it a bit annoying and frustrating, the lack of disclosure actually could be considered prudence at this point.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903553
09/11/20 12:56 PM
09/11/20 12:56 PM
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LH19 Online
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Originally Posted by AndrewP
You had said felt the need the need to propose at 3 months because ďyou didnít want to lose herĒ you shouldnít need a proposal at 3 months not to lose someone.

"When decisions are made on emotions there are sure to be consequences". ~ Nick Saban
I love this quote and see it's true meaning so often. So many issues arise when we fear we are not good enough. What are you afraid of Andrew? Dying alone? Is that fear so great that you are willing to give up your relationship with your kids, financial freedom and live in complete chaos? Definitely something to think about.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I've been thinking very hard about the question that LH19 posed and others have echoed. What is it that I want. What is the end goal that I started this process looking for.

That is the million dollar question that you need to dig deep and be honest with yourself. I always say that relationships are not about "love" they are about value. Been that way since the caveman days. We like to romanticize things. I understand what value you bring to S but I am not sure what value she brings to you.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903554
09/11/20 01:20 PM
09/11/20 01:20 PM
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You know, I HATE when Arkansas has to face Alabama because I know we'll get our a$$e$ handed to us, but Coach Saban is a very wise man. And, honestly, the older I get the more I see the logic in that particular statement that LH quoted. Your response that you are looking for the future you lost is an honest one, but is it a feasible one? Now, this is a rhetorical question and hopefully one that provokes some thought because I really don't even want a response, but I want you to sit with what you said and think about, long-term, is that really feasible. You are a different person now and your future may, in fact, look different now. So what do you want it to look like. I think that is the underlying answer that LH was really getting at. Sorry, LH, if I'm putting words in your mouth, so to speak.

I also agree with LH's assessment about value. What value do both of you bring to this whole thing? Is S adding value in her own right or is she just filling a spot that needed to be filled and quickly?

I am somewhat surprised that S is holding back on putting money into joint accounts. I mean, I don't see anything wrong with her having her own money and keeping some "for a rainy day" or whatever, but do you get that same option? If it is ok for her to do it but not ok for you to do it, I would have a HUGE issue with that (if I were you). I don't know the ins and outs of your finances, though I seem to recall when she first moved in, that the two of you had some discussions and kind of have a budget that does include monetary input from both sides. And, like I said, I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing if you both have your own small stash of "mad money", but if she is holding out because she is hedging her bets, so to speak, that just waves a HUGE red flag to me. She has some serious trust issues and that constant waiting for the other shoe to drop has got to be exhausting for both of you. At what point and what do you have to do to make her feel secure enough to really settle in. I mean, I get she's not had the most stable track record, but as I think I have asked before, at what point does one realize that she MAY be part of the problem in all these previous relationships, rather than it just being all the "lousy" men she chose. Does that make sense?

I'm trying so hard to stay on team S here since you seem to want to convince us that she makes you happy, but does she? Honestly? It is easy, from my point of view, to kind of get a negative vibe about the whole situation because you come here to vent and to let things out and typically when people do that, they are venting the negative, not so good stuff. If that is all I hear, I can slip into the trap of thinking well it is that way all the time and it very likely is NOT that way all the time. Again, does that make sense? Perhaps I'm crazy...ÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ.LOL

The long and short of it is, Andrew, that I hope you will take some time and really think about what YOU want, independently of how that relates to anyone else or anything else around you. And, think about what actual value S adds to that picture. What does your future look like? Think about those things and take care of yourself.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903591
09/11/20 08:06 PM
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Iím sure S brings some important things to the relationship (companionship and nookie, for instance) and since this is a safe place for us to vent, we may get a skewed view. (Yíall hear a lot from me about CMMís OCPD but I donít often mention that heís a genius in the bedroom and treats me like a goddess).

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: kml] #2903592
09/11/20 08:11 PM
09/11/20 08:11 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
I’m sure S brings some important things to the relationship (companionship and nookie, for instance) and since this is a safe place for us to vent, we may get a skewed view. (Y’all hear a lot from me about CMM’s OCPD but I don’t often mention that he’s a genius in the bedroom and treats me like a goddess).



Yes...that was EXACTLY my point. I think we get a skewed view of reality because we are getting one small snippet and it is usually a somewhat negative snippet, at that. People don't tend to "vent" good stuff. LOL


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: Dawn70] #2903597
09/11/20 09:16 PM
09/11/20 09:16 PM
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DonH Offline
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Originally Posted by Dawn70
I think we get a skewed view of reality because we are getting one small snippet and it is usually a somewhat negative snippet, at that. People don't tend to "vent" good stuff. LOL

Well... thatís not always true. Joseph or the big smooth or whatever other names he went by rarely vented negatively about the doctor he dated for over a year, and may well still be dating for all we know. He expressed some concerns about her son and had a few misgivings but basically said the doctor treated him like a king. He said they had yet to have a large fight or disagreement. Dawn, I canít remember you ever telling us about big downsides of Sparky or even any big disagreements or concerns. So Iím not sure all we hear is the negative and the vent. Itís often at least balanced. Only if there is little balance that might be telling us something. If there is more negative than positive I think it shows in what we write and is an accurate representation of how we feel. If we donít have a lot of negative to vent about, or a large variety of ventable topics, I think that also says something. If we have to struggle to see the good and the value of an R that too may be telling us something.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903601
09/12/20 12:16 AM
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I totally get what you are saying about balance. Iím not saying we ONLY hear negative. We hear plenty of good things. I just meant, typically, when someone is venting, it is usually about the more negative things that they need to get off their chest. As for me, I donít have a lot of big downsides to gripe about Sparky. Heís a pretty good guy. Do we have minor disagreements on occasion? Sure. But overall, weíre really compatible so my venting is usually more about work or students.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903636
09/12/20 02:13 PM
09/12/20 02:13 PM
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Happy Saturday

Yes - this is my safe place to vent about the negative rather than let it build up and fester. And - unsurprisingly, we are going through a bit of a rough patch as the settling in process continues.

A big difference here as well between what I post and what others do is that I'm very "chatty" as well as open. I treat this like a personal diary with hecklers. Others come here with specific issues to be dealt with. While I wish J9 well - I still am worried that his picture perfect romance may have some shadows in the background. It just seems "too" perfect - when you stand on a pedestal, it's a narrow place with little room to move and a long way to fall.

S does have a very kind heart and yes - there is some amazing nookie. I had no idea what I had been missing out on for those decades. If I had any advice for dating as a mature man, it would be to listen to kml to keep an open mind and to know that there are indeed many mature post-menopausal women who are very passionate.

Case in point on how S has a kind heart - it was a long and tough day for me yesterday and this coming week is expected to be worse work-wise. Well be down 2 people in an office staff of 3 and so I know that I'll be filling in a lot of gaps. I went to bed tired while S and the boys were watching a movie. After my usual pre-bed wandering I was surprised to find S - still dressed waiting for me. She knew I'd had a tough day and wanted to cuddle me to sleep. Which largely worked. Until the boys started walking by the door whispering loudly (they were probably instructed to be quiet), S13 came in to ask if his Mom wanted to watch TV with him, the dog who was up on the bed started barking, S13 came in to yell at the dog to be quiet .....

They all meant well. And it was pretty darned funny.

S has been making good progress in the unpacking. The laundry room - other than the new cupboards - is done. The kitchen is getting close. There is a lot of stuff that she's been dragging around with her, especially related to baking, that I am fully confident will rarely or never get used but that she's holding on to. Personally I have the attitude that if you don't have room then you probably have too much stuff rather than not enough storage but that's probably fairly unique to me. I'm also able to let go of things much more easily than most. As I've told S - there are probably only a small number of "things" in this house that I'm attached to. My comfy rocking chair, my quilts, a bit of the artwork, some trinkets that the kids gave me. If the house were to ever burn down, I would be sad but other than the critters, I wouldn't rush in to save anything.

The big thing we're trying to figure out is how to take some of the load of the day to day off of me. The boys are teenaged boys and so really can't be counted on for much of the day to day. S18 is reliable about feeding the critters but that's about it. There are some projects that S would really like me to spend time on that there just isn't time for and I think that this is part of her motivation. One of the things is us spending some more quality time together.

S's strength isn't with the daily "staying on top of things" so the day to day isn't her strength. She can do it, but from what I gather it takes nagging and she resents that. She IS good at the whirlwind bursts of activity and effort. She also pre-limits herself knowing that her back can only take so much at any one time.

My strength is routine. Things don't get out of control because I stay on top of them.

Oh - I did ask about the apartment - in the "do you know what's going on" vein. S and independently S18 corroborated that the landlord is intending to do a full renovation over the winter which explains why it's still empty. It does lead me to strongly doubt that she's paying the rent there still but again, I wouldn't be surprised if she's accumulated a small nest egg.

Also - S has never had a partner who was open about money. They varied from ignorant and uninterested to secretive. This is new territory for her. Yesterday she asked more about how the budget works - as the method I use (YNAB) is confusing to her because I do a fair bit of forward planning in it.

Well - a day of some routine. Off shortly to do the banking. First load of laundry is ready for folding. I have to take S18 in to work on the way to the bank. After that I'll circle back and pick up S to do the grocery shopping with. As usual it was well after midnight before she actually got into bed and so she's still snoozing.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903639
09/12/20 02:24 PM
09/12/20 02:24 PM
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LOL... a diary with hecklers. I love that Andrew. Too funny. I know people are rough on you but I hope you also feel supported at times. I am pulling for you and S. I share peopleís concerns that the moving in together happened too quickly but I do really hope it all works out for you. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903687
09/13/20 08:18 PM
09/13/20 08:18 PM
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Wow. S26 texted me on Saturday and suggested we go out for lunch. So I did. I'd been making butternut squash soup and so took some with me along with his mail.

We went up to his apartment and had a nice visit. His landlord has installed the balcony which will make the place a lot more livable. It's sparsely furnished with a very familiar looking book-case but nothing else that triggers memories. I sort of presumed that he would have gotten a bunch of furniture from his mother. He'd made bread and I had a nice slab.

We popped out for lunch to a cafe around the corner and had a really really good visit. He's doing reasonably well. Some frustrations at work and he doesn't know how long he'll stay there. Certainly for the foreseeable future though. We talked about my health issues and he was happy that the cardiologist report was good. We exchanged various stores, laughed and it was very good. He's not talked to his sister in quite a while so I got him up to date.

He's getting out to his poker game here in the village and has even won a bit lately. I don't think he's been getting out otherwise. He's happy that football season (he's a Bengal's fan) is going and is doing well in his fantasy football league.

He said that he will probably be by to pick up his girls in the next week or so. He would have done it earlier but his landlord has been in and out of his apartment lately fixing this and that. I'll miss the girls but it will be for the best. There continues to be drama and it's pretty stressful on everyone, especially the girls.

We did talk at the end of the lunch and he did say that while physically he's doing well he's having other challenges. I reminded him that there were services available that I used and recommended them to him. I think it maybe helps that I have been very open about how much good therapy did for me.

He's always had some issues - certainly not a patch on what S's boys have, but problems with confidence etc. Hopefully he can get some assistance. I'm thrilled that he's at leas talking about taking these steps. He's known that he needs some help but has always refused to get it so this is a big change.

We ended with a "love you". He's said a number of times and said it again that he does look back on when it was the two of us positively. Joking of course about the very real conflicts that we did have. I'm glad that we stuck it out and that I gave him the space and time he needed and that he's got a good memory of it. It gives me confidence that we'll continue to have a good relationship for years to come.

No mention of course of his mother or anything else. I really get the feeling that he has nothing to do with her which is sad but not at all a surprise. I have noticed in the last few weeks driving by his mother's house that her car isn't visible again - I suspect she's parking in the garage which is undoubtedly why I didn't know where she was until this past summer.

Time shortly to start dinner. One more mouth has shown up to feed - S's S18's friend who is regularly here. I'm making baked potato wedges and pan seared chicken. As an aside, S asked me yesterday, suggesting I had nothing in mind, what was being cooked. She has noticed that I am pretty tired and quiet lately.

Now that I've seen S26's apartment I can put some thought into a house-warming gift. Perhaps something for his balcony although winter is coming. Although I'd like something decorative that reminds him of home and family. In other circumstances a family picture would be the thing, but given the circumstances that, or even one of the two of us is probably out.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903708
09/14/20 08:58 AM
09/14/20 08:58 AM
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Westo Online
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Iím so pleased to hear about your visit to your son. It put a smile on my face.

By the tone of your post, it sounds like it put one on your face too.

Lovely smile

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903731
09/14/20 03:51 PM
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My youngest brother stopped by this morning with a few bales of hay for the bunnies and to loan me his pole trimmer so I can trim the apple tree.

He's in the process of demolishing the old farm house we grew up in and has come across more than a few things tucked in here and there so he also dropped off an envelope that contained pictures and momentos from May 1980 when my parents drove from Ontario to Thompson Manitoba to deliver my science fair project. I was exhibiting at the National competition and my project was considered - er - hazardous goods and so could not be shipped by normal ways. As I discovered upon being named a judge for the regional Science Fair - they've subsequently changed the rules. I suppose we all influence the world in ways that we can never expect.

It was very touching to read the diary that she kept. Mother had beautiful hand-writing even if she wasn't perhaps the most literate of people. It was very "her". A number of descriptions of the colour of the gravel on the side of the road. They did a brief side trip to the Quebec border so that she could be "out of the country" (inside family joke).

The reason why I'm here is that this is a hit in the feels reminding me of what I've lost. My first reaction was to want to share this with the person who is now my ex. Looking over my shoulder to call her into the room. We lost Mother in October of 2005. For a couple of years prior to that we'd drifted apart. Fingers could be pointed but never were. While she and my ex weren't close, there was that shared history.

It just drove home to me the depth of loss that I have endured. Some days it seems trivial. Today not so. When my brother was here I took a break from the office and walked around the property. He was pleased at how the trees that he had given me / us as a gift were thriving. Even the ash tree that was bolted together that was a metaphor here for how people who have grown apart can try to rebuild bridges.

We talked about some of the things that I want to do to the house including replacing the back porch. He agreed that it would probably be in the neigbourhood of a $10k job and since he's been in the middle of building the new house to replace the old farm house, I put a lot of stock in what he says. He did mention that one of our cousins (I have a "lot" of cousins) builds decks and probably would be a good person to reach out to when we're ready to do the work.

But it reminded me of the plans we had here in the before times. Some of which I still have. Some that are no more.

I gave him some roots of the black-currant bush that our Grandfather gave me as a house-warming gift 30ish years ago. The original bush on the old family farm died out a number of years ago so it will be nice that it gets a re-start from the same stock.

Ah well - back to work. I just finished filing the receipt for this month's spousal support payment. #35 of 77. What could have been never will be and what will be is yet to be written.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903771
09/14/20 07:54 PM
09/14/20 07:54 PM
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Quote
(I have a "lot" of cousins


I have 20 first cousins on my mother's side and an equal or larger number on my dad's.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903833
09/15/20 11:55 AM
09/15/20 11:55 AM
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Good Morning Andrew

You sound like you had a lovely visit with your son. There is something different, after kids move out, and we each settle into somewhat new roles. Still Dad and son, and something more, friends.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
We ended with a "love you". He's said a number of times and said it again that he does look back on when it was the two of us positively.

It doesnít get much better than that my friend. Iím glad to hear S26 is doing well; and you too. smile

You are correct we all touch the world and influence things at whatever scale that may be. Hazardous materials and a subsequent rule change is a fun example. You have a plethora of good influences over your years. You need not even look to far to see - you just had lunch with him, S26.

A touching post about the trivial/non-trivial nature of loss. Makes one think.

The excellent handwriting of the past generations seems to be a rare talent nowadays. As well as writing letters or diaries of things, like the colour of gravel upon the side of the highway.

Have a great day Andrew.

D


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903982
09/16/20 07:11 PM
09/16/20 07:11 PM
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AndrewP Offline OP
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Just a Wednesday update.

I've been frustrated at work because I've made the same darned mistake more than once. S tells me that I shouldn't beat myself up about it but of course I do. It's caused because I rush - there's now two signs on the wall of my home office - Plan Do Check Act - slow down, make sure you're right and that the plan will achieve the desired results and THEN act. I'm not dealing with anything life-or-death here, but trucks have shown up expecting to be loaded on the wrong dates because I've made a mistake.

Funny though, we had one show up this morning for a bulk load and it wasn't my doing - quite. The customer canceled their order around 7:00 pm last night, I updated the computer systems but the driver had a piece of paper to show up. Can't win I suppose.

All of the stress - from all directions - hasn't been good for me. S has pestered me numerous times wanting to know if everything really is ok. I do my best to be honest and not alarmist. There's a lot going on. The house is a mess - although improving, finances are doing ok but are tighter than I would like, and with all of the appointments plus now S baby-sitting GS1 an hour's drive away a couple of days a week for pretty much the whole day, there's a lot of stress going on. Is this the perfect relationship? Absolutely not. But I continue to have confidence that it will work with work. We do need to try to fabricate some more "us" time in some way. Difficult to do at the best of times. I think a big part of my struggle is that I'm not a "wing it and hope" kind of guy and that's essentially where S and I are. I think I will be in the majority to say that she has driven a lot of the process of building the relationship and expediting the co-habitation. I could have stopped it at any point - the image of Wiley Coyote standing in front of a train with a tiny sign comes to mind - and so take ownership of the fact that I am invested in making this work as well and need to do my darnedest to make sure that it does. Both by passively letting the organization and unpacking unfold and by actively making sure that the day-to-day keeps on track.

Of note for those still playing the home game, I heard from my GP just a while ago. He's referred me for some pulmonary tests to try to figure out what's going on with my chest pain. Because of a lack of corroborating symptoms, he doubts that my issues are GI related and the heart has gotten an at least B- / C+ passing grade. It could make sense. I just heard back from the clinic and because I called the wrong number seem to have ended up at the front of the line and will go in for the tests on Oct 2nd.

A glorious sunny day here today. I'm probably cursing myself, but things at the plant seem to be doing OK. We're starting to prepare for shut-down next month along with budget planning. I'm not sure what my involvement will be. It's been suggested that I do the job of documenting the shut-down. We take a lot of photographs of various parts of the plant that are normally inaccessible to keep track on wear and tear. Parts of the plant date back to the 1940s and there's always something wearing out or needing to be upgraded. It also turns out that one of the end users of our products has apparently been opening the containers with a hammer because they don't have the right wrench. I'd be shaking my head harder if it weren't for the fact that I had to deal with that exact issue on our end about 2 months ago. We now have the right wrench.

Shortly time to get S's S18 off to his job. I might make myself sausages for dinner as I will be solo-bacheloring it. Or liver and onions since I'm the only one who likes that. When S goes off to baby-sit she usually doesn't get back until well after 9:30pm. Up early tomorrow for my weekly visit in to the plant. I'm having wings and beer with my best friend after work which will be nice. I think his newest grand-son is keeping him very busy.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903987
09/16/20 07:25 PM
09/16/20 07:25 PM
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Quote
Both by passively letting the organization and unpacking unfold and by actively making sure that the day-to-day keeps on track.


It seems to me the unpacking is your biggest stressor, so why are you being passive about it?

Options I can think of:

Things are stored elsewhere (basement maybe?) and only one box at a time is brought up for processing. At least that way there isn't constant clutter in the house stressing you.

A weekend is set aside to blitzkrieg the unpacking together - perhaps after watching a few episodes of Marie Kondo. (You've said her daughter works well with her on this, if you think that's better than you doing it, perhaps you could offer to take the grandson for the day while THEY blitzkrieg it?)

AS for S going to babysit, that should be a POSITIVE in your book, as it gives you some of the alone time you crave.

AS for couple time - that has to be a regularly scheduled thing or it will fall by the wayside. Every Saturday night, perhaps? What is interfering with that?

AS for the budget - seems best for you to manage that. If it's getting out of control because of her spending, you need to take back control over that and let her manage whatever is appropriate for her walking around money.

Unfortunately, I think you do have someone with hoarding tendencies and not the best work ethic (undoubtedly affected by her ADD and her back problems, so not being too judgy here, but it makes her unreliable in some ways) so you need to be less passive if things are going to be in a state hat you can live with.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904120
09/18/20 01:58 PM
09/18/20 01:58 PM
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Long day yesterday. I'm looking forward to sleeping in (for me) this weekend.

Lots going on at the plant. It was good to be able to actually walk out and see what was going on yesterday. There was a report of a customer damaging some containers so I went out expecting to see some dents and dings. What they were actually doing was taking a hammer and destroying a cap that probably costs about $150 because they didn't have the right wrench. Le sigh. All documented and sent to the sales staff to have a talk to them. They are a good and high volume customer otherwise and what I think happened here as well as at other customers is that some of the people aren't properly trained on how to deal with this stuff and just get "creative". Not something you want to do with the stuff we sell or the containers we package it in.

Trying to manage customer expectations. We currently have an over-supply of one product because that's the way the rail-car placement worked out. But after this surge the next car is probably sitting on a siding outside Dawn's house - I've tracked it from the supplier's plant to somewhere in Arkansas. So time on the phone saying - I know you need this stuff - better make arrangements on your end because the next load won't be for a week or so.

One of the guys asked me if he could take off early today and I said "sure". I have no idea if I have authority to do this or not but I seem to be getting away with it so far. I really have no idea what my job is but despite what may sound like complaining and grumbling, I'm actually having fun. It's complex, dynamic, I have a "very" direct impact on the success of the company. When I'm on site I can literally walk out and see the results of what I do. For good or ill. I'm still beating myself up for the mistakes I've been making lately. I find that if I'm rushed that I will not pay as much attention to the details. So I need to structure things so that my awareness is broader and that when the unexpected happens or I need to make a decision quickly that I have the structure in place to do that well. Taking my time isn't always an option so I need to be able to make these quick decisions. Fortunately - and this applies to my personal life as well - even if decisions I make are "wrong" I take ownership of those decisions. A surprisingly large amount of the time, a wrong decision can be turned into a right result I've found. It just can take more work than making the right choice to begin with.

There's a moral in there kids.

---------

S26 called me in the late afternoon - he'd locked his keys in his car at work and wanted either S or I to swing by and unlock his car for him. His spare key is at the house. S was off taking S13 to one of his many doctor's appointments and I was out for dinner with my best friend. Fortunately he was able to wait and I got his car unlocked around 10:00pm. Since it certainly looked suspicious with me driving around the parking lot and then trying to get in to his car, he was notified by his co-workers and came out just after I found the right car and got his keys. He's going to make copies of his apartment keys and leave them at the house as well.

He did say that he called multiple people and I know after I missed his first call that he called S - who was even less available than me. Perhaps he called his mother as well - but I would imagine that she would have been "really" reluctant to come to the house to get his keys for him.

I had a nice dinner with my friend - with the increase in Covid cases here a number of places that were open to inside dining have closed back down but we found a nice but slightly chilly patio. The dinner continued a trend in the past few days where a number of my friends have been doing "wellness checks" on me and have been very concerned about me. Some of these were people who I hear from only once in a blue moon too - is there some sort of cosmic warning thing going on?

After we caught up, my friend expressed a "lot" of concern that S and her kids are just using me and my money to have a comfortable life at the expense of everything that I have worked for, especially in the last few years. He especially cautioned me about dipping into my retirement savings or going into further consumer debt - both things that I will not do.

Then as I was driving to rescue S26, another good friend texted me. After a couple of texts, I just gave her a call and we were able to catch up as I was driving. I've not heard her voice in well over a year and it was great to hear her. We usually just exchange the occasional text. She's not been working for some time after she got laid off from her job in the spring and typical for her, she was more worried about me than herself. She also went on a rant about making sure that I wasn't taken advantage of and how S and the boys really need to step up their game in taking care of things around the house. We did manage to talk a bit about her and her life but she didn't seem too interested in getting into that. I do worry about her quite a lot. She used to work for me a number of years ago and is another one of those women who I admire who seem to persevere despite what life throws at them.

----------

It's coming up to 1 year from S's and my first date. I suppose I should consider that the "anniversary". Last year seems so very very long ago in many ways. 1 year ago I was in Spain being lost and confused. I'll mark the day in some fashion. Haven't figured out how yet.

Similarly, I need to figure out a house-warming gift for S26. I expect he'll be by in the next week or so to get the girls and we will be going out for lunch the next week. Perhaps a nice chair for his balcony? He needs pots I know and S has identified some of the surplus that are decent pots that we'll be passing over. Like me in some ways, S26 isn't attached to "stuff". And I think that he probably wants to stay minimal in his decorating. I did think that the space above his cabinets looked stark - any ideas on something for up there floating around?

S has found a set of cabinets she likes for the laundry room and they are very inexpensive. We may get them this weekend and I'll get them installed. It's a 3 door set that should hold a fairly decent amount of stuff and also look reasonably nice. When she spotted them she texted me and since they match the basics that we would need, the price was reasonable I was in favour. If it were just me, I'd probably hunt and over-analyze more but making fast decisions, especially ones that support S's initiative are a good plan I feel.

For me, I've been wanting to replace the massive oak typists desk that I've been using for nearly 30 years with something smaller. I've been leaning towards a roll-top or secretary desk. The idea being that a desk where things can go "away" and out of sight is the basic vision I have. A lot of this thinking was also combined with the idea that I may at some point no longer have a dedicated office. I've held off because the "right" desk hasn't crossed my field of vision, not only in terms of budget but also functionality and esthetics. Like with many things in my life, I suddenly have found exactly what I want and it's not quite at all what I was looking for. While browsing around, I saw a listing for a flip-top typists desk. They look like a normal desk but the top lifts up and then a mechanism raises up a work-space that you would historically bolt a typewriter to. The one I saw was rather beat up, posted about 6 months ago and the seller was asking about $150. I found another one listed more recently, missing a slide-out (which would be easy to make) for $60. So they exist. They're inexpensive and they have captured my imagination. Now to actually go out and get one. I remember seeing one of these years and years ago as well. It may well give S and I a goal to wander around some flea-markets. They are fairly rare, but not too uncommon. I'd have to figure out how to be sure that a lap-top would stay more or less in place but that's just engineering and carpentry.

Ah well - enough rambling for now. Time to make another pot of tea.


desk


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904123
09/18/20 03:28 PM
09/18/20 03:28 PM
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Originally Posted by AndrewP
After we caught up, my friend expressed a "lot" of concern that S and her kids are just using me and my money to have a comfortable life at the expense of everything that I have worked for, especially in the last few years. He especially cautioned me about dipping into my retirement savings or going into further consumer debt - both things that I will not do.


Originally Posted by AndrewP
She also went on a rant about making sure that I wasn't taken advantage of and how S and the boys really need to step up their game in taking care of things around the house.

So my Canadian brother, I am curious to what your response is to these accusations. If it was me and I felt there was no truth to these accusations I would call me friends on the disrespect of my queen.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904125
09/18/20 03:40 PM
09/18/20 03:40 PM
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Trying to manage "customer" expectations seems to be the story of my life right now, except my "customers" are students and faculty in my department. Y'allÖ..I don't know if turning 50 has just made me a grouchy b!tch or if Covid has everybody all out of whack or if the budget stuff just has people twisted, but D@MN! Something's gotta give.

Come on down and visit and we'll go look for your rail car. I used to live less than 2 miles from the track and I've moved further down the line, so to speak, but I still live within 20 miles of the tracks for KCS (Kansas City Southern), Union Pacific, BNSF (Burlington Northern) and Amtrak (though I doubt your particular car would be part of the Amtrak "fleet" or whatever they call a big group of trains). We can visit while we look. Bring S too and just make a vacation of it. And, what the heck, bring the boys and we'll drop them off at my dad's farm and let them commune with the animals while we look for train cars.

I agree with LH. If I felt like what they were saying was baseless, I would be quick to set them straight about my partner. But, it is good that you have friends who worry about you. See, your db friends aren't the only ones. wink


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904128
09/18/20 04:53 PM
09/18/20 04:53 PM
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Dawn, everybody - I mean EVERYBODY - is stressed this year. What with Covid, the election, murder hornets, hurricanes, fires, unemployment .....self-care and stress reduction are super important.

Andrew - my guess is your friends have been having a chat behind your back, for so many of them to be coming forward at once. Youíre wise to stick to your boundaries of not going into debt or raiding your retirement accounts. I have the same boundaries and itís one (of many) reasons I wouldnít marry CMM.

As for your finances with S - sounds like youíre managing ok with the budget but need a little more transparency from her. I still wouldnít be leaving the house to her - I feel strongly that should go to your kids, you could will her a chunk of cash instead that would be enough for her to set up elsewhere. After all, your relationship with your kids is much longer than your year with S, and our kids are likely not going to achieve the standard of living we have had. (True, S hasnít either, but much of that is due to her own choices). Thatís how I feel about CMM - Iíd never leave my house to him, he had a good income in his life but poor planning for his future, thatís not my responsibility. Iíll leave him some cash so he can move somewhere if I suddenly die. But I know my kids, try as they may, are never destined to make the kind of living their parents did and will need their inheritance from me, especially since Iím doubtful they will ever see one from their dad. (He has a trust but Iím betting itís the kind that gives his wife the use of the money while sheís alive - and since sheís barely older than my kids and in excellent health, she very well might live longer than my kids).

I suppose your friends will be comforted to know that you will get a good pre-nup. You might ask them, too, just why they think so poorly of S? It might just be general suspicion and projection of the fact that they themselves wouldnít want to take on someone with kids. Or it might be that they have some kind of actual information, in which case Iíd want to know what that was.

Itís really too bad that Covid hit when it did, ideally you would be building a social life that included S with your friends, but thatís just too difficult at present.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904135
09/18/20 06:11 PM
09/18/20 06:11 PM
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When one or two people comment to me or make a suggestion I often listen but put less weight on it than if say a dozen tell me the same thing. I would think and actually hope that if you are getting the same reaction and your friends both virtual and IRL seem to be seeing the same red flags and having the same concerns, that you would really pay attention. No, you should not substitute their decisions for your own but perhaps are they seeing all of this more clearly than you are? Itís often much easier for those outside an R to see it more clearly.

Beyond that, people generally just donít change, especially later in life. Do you really think S is going to somehow change what is now second nature to her with how she lives? Do you really think sheís going to follow a budget? Doubtful- very doubtful. Sheís already showing you that. You have hope and faith sheís going to change and she may give it a bit of a try, but címon, you know itís not likely.

Finally for unpacking, itís been a long time and Iíve never moved a full house and can only imagine what it would be like to pack up and move my life to a new location. But wow, how long does it take? Didnít S move in a few months ago? Coming up in 3? How is it sheís still not unpacked? I have friends who sold their house in February, moved in March, did a HUGE remodel and have been done and fully decorated since early summer. There are no kids involved which Iím sure helps but really, how long is this going to take? Still living out of boxes? And if the stuff in the boxes have not been touched, how important can it be?

Andrew please listen to EVERYONE who seem to be giving you a close version of the same view. We canít all be wrong.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904176
09/19/20 02:09 PM
09/19/20 02:09 PM
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AndrewP Offline OP
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Feeling grumpy. Need to get over it. Venting.

Busy weekend coming up. I'd been hoping for it to be relaxing but that might not happen. Just having my morning tea after a tough start to the day. S's D19 - who it appears is becoming friendly again with xBF - at least to the point of having him drive her around dropped off her dog this morning at 6:00 am so she could go to a photo shoot. Said dog then had a dump in the middle of the living room floor then took up a large portion of the bed. I found out about the former when I got up. Sigh. Can't really blame anyone including the dog but not a nice way to start the day.

The next door neighbours had noticed that I had some brush piled up for back-yard fires and so have "helpfully" added to it. I think we only had two fires all summer so a very large load of brush to take to the dump today. I loaded it up last night. Fortunately it's free at the dump.

S found some cabinets for the laundry room that she liked and that I was ok with. When I went to pick them up yesterday afternoon they were on sale for 1/3rd off. I've not installed cabinets before but I do know how to google. Given how uneven the wall is, I expect there will be quite a few shims involved. I'll probably get S18 help with the install at least lifting them into place.

S's D26 has canceled again this weekend for helping with the organizing. They have company coming up.

I feel that S is feeling blue and uncertain about things these days. Perhaps in part because it's pretty obvious that I'm having difficulties myself.

I do think that S is considering bolting for the door. She was checking out apartments for rent last night but then switched to looking at commercial rentals when I sat down. Like I've mentioned, there are echoes of when B left as well. A general malaise and lethargy seems to have set in. I'm not letting any future planning etc confuse or distract me. My ex was in the middle of renovating the kitchen when she left. B and I were shopping for camper trailers. S is apparently in no hurry about her divorce and is still connected to and interacting with her "STBX" on social media. Not that being friendly with a former partner is a red line but it is a flag. I do know that S will be flexible with the truth when she thinks it will smooth the road in front of her. I get into trouble when I'll say something to the boys like that there's mushroom soup in a sauce when she's worried that it will set them off. I'm also pretty sure that her attempted reconciliation at the end of 2018 was a lot more serious than she let on. I do also recognize that S isn't all that good with making a plan and sticking to it and will get distracted when things can't be completed all in one go.

I made a comment yesterday that at dinner on Thursday that my friend had been at me to not let her take advantage of me which got her back up more than a bit. Perhaps stupid of me to mention it but it set her off with a "what are you telling people" (hope she doesn't find this place) and she got upset and started itemizing the money that she has contributed (which is under 50% of the increased cost of having her and the boys here).

I do doubt that solid plans are in place but also don't underestimate the possibility that one day she may just decide to bail.

I'm still committed to making this work and won't give up easily. Bumpy roads are to be expected. Hoping the weekend improves. S has asked if we could go off for an adventure on Sunday - walk on a trail, go to a flea market. The sort of stuff that were the things that we shared as interests.

Having previously been married for 26 years, I know that things ebb and flow and having an ebb 1 year in certainly is no huge surprise. The key is how you weather the storm. I'm a batten down the hatches, make sure that the crew and ships cat are all secure and safe, reef the sails and point the bow a' weather. The Polywog is a good vessel - sound hull despite a few leaks and creaks.

I do hope that S doesn't jump over the side and am committed to making her feel safe here. If I've learned anything over the past 5 years now though, it's one hand for you, one hand for the boat. If something's going to wash overboard, don't throw yourself after it. I think S's lack of experience with weathering storms as part of a team is showing at present. As is undoubtedly my own discomfort with things that don't proceed in an orderly and Bristol fashion.

Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day mateys!

Ah well - got my grumbles out. Now to dodge the fruit that will be lobbed at me.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904181
09/19/20 02:58 PM
09/19/20 02:58 PM
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It was a sad post to read. You canít stop someone from jumping ship. What does committed to making her feel safe there mean to you? You let everyone and everything come and go as they/it pleases. She pretty much has taken over, so if she doesnít feel safe thatís on her.

She doesnít seem to commit to anything and runs from every storm. This is her pattern. And you canít kill your self trying to break it. She has to want to do that.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904182
09/19/20 03:04 PM
09/19/20 03:04 PM
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Andrew,

I am so sorry that your day started out rather poorly. How did S's D19 get in your house? Did S let her in? Were you aware that the dog was being dropped off? As for the mess you found later, if S was there, I would have definitely advised her that she needed to clean it up.

Andrew, you are a nice guy and I have to agree w/all of the others that have advised you that S and her "clan" are taking advantage of you. They do not know what the world "boundary" means and unless you speak up, stand firm on what you tell them, they are going to continue down the merry path that they have been used to all of their lives. It appears that even your neighbors have taken advantage of your good nature and now you are hauling their brush to the dump as well. When is all of that "clan" going to start really, really pitching in?

I would suggest that S that all of the unpacked boxes go in the shed, garage or basement and that you and S will sit down and go through one box at a time. Andrew, maybe I could be very wrong on this...but it is affecting your mental health as well as your stress level. You may be okay with all of that mess, but you come here to vent and trust me, the venting needs to be "heard" by one and all in your house.

If S is looking at apartments, I wouldn't be surprised to read later on that she either has found one for her son with the bunnies or for her and her "clan". Let's face it, I think the reality of real life and being in a home w/someone on a day-to-day basis is a bit different for her. She has been use to having you come over and then go home and not be accountable for her spending and leaving things lying around. You, on the other hand, are right now in the eye of the storm of boxes, pets that need all sorts of things, as well as kids that need to a father figure who is going to be there to keep them on the straight and narrow and provide them w/stability.

You've got a lot going on and I still pray that S will get her act together and find a way to work with you. It's fine to take time out of a busy weekend and go somewhere for an adventure, but she also needs to understand that you can't do it all w/o her help and the help of her older children. You cannot divide yourself into two people and no matter what you say, you know that you do have projects that need to be done and it's on your mind quite often.

Please, please learn to say "no" to any additional projects until the other projects have been completed. Better yet, make a vision board of what projects need to be done now and a listing of what projects can be done at a later day. Maybe if S sees the listings, she'll realize that 1) you can't do them all at once and 2) they all take money to start and complete.

I hope your day gets better.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904184
09/19/20 04:56 PM
09/19/20 04:56 PM
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I was going to comment, but I absolutely canít improve on what Job said. Yes, yes, YES to every bit of that. Iíll keep my fruit for now. wink


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904186
09/19/20 05:38 PM
09/19/20 05:38 PM
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I think going for a ramble with S tomorrow is a good idea - one problem may be that the two of you have had very little couple time since she moved in.

Major bonehead move telling her what your friends were thinking. Donít do that again. Now she will view all your friends with suspicion.

You might ask her, at an appropriate moment, ď hey, I noticed you looking at apartments the other day. Are you thinking of moving out? ď. There might be a benign explanation, like S18 wanted to know how much he needs to budget for, or sheís looking for a friend. Or she might get flustered and deny she was looking, in which case youíll have more information.

From a reality check point of view - what has she accomplished with unpacking since last weekend? Is it proceeding, if slowly, or is she stuck? If sheís stuck then yes, get the boys to put the boxes in the basement or garage and carry one box up at a time to sort together. The job may be overwhelming her. Hoarders have a lot of trouble letting things go, and while she may not be a full fledged hoarder, sheís definitely got some tendencies.

Be honest with her. Tell her the fact that the house is still in disarray this long after the move in (how many months has it been now?) is stressing you out because youíre someone who thrives in order. Tell her the current approach doesnít seem to be working so youíd like to change to the one box at a time method.

Last edited by job; 09/19/20 09:15 PM. Reason: edited a word for kml
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: kml] #2904237
09/20/20 10:50 PM
09/20/20 10:50 PM
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AndrewP Offline OP
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Originally Posted by job
How did S's D19 get in your house? Did S let her in? Were you aware that the dog was being dropped off? As for the mess you found later, if S was there, I would have definitely advised her that she needed to clean it up.
D19 called the night before and asked and so we left the door unlocked for her. She texted me when she was on her way to drop the dog off and then after.

Her photo shoot went well and she's going to go back in to shoot the person's entire spring line in a week or so. She is a capable and hard-working model. The pay is surprisingly low in some ways for this sort of work at least from my point of view and she was bone tired after but came to get her puppy before going home. Over-all the dog was well behaved and I'm of the practice "see it - deal with it" as far as the deposits on the rugs go. I'm looking forward to having full access to the rugs and giving them a good shampoo.

Originally Posted by kml
You might ask her, at an appropriate moment, ď hey, I noticed you looking at apartments the other day. Are you thinking of moving out? ď. There might be a benign explanation, like S18 wanted to know how much he needs to budget for, or sheís looking for a friend. Or she might get flustered and deny she was looking, in which case youíll have more information.
So - here's what I "know". S made a comment about something more long term planning wise involving S18 (burying some pets that are currently residing in the freezer) that "he was waiting to be sure things were going to work out". So it is certainly top of mind. After our time out today though she said about the same thing that she was going to check with him to see if he was ok with doing it now. I do still think that she has been considering her options which a an adult with responsibilities is only reasonable. Given her history I can imagine that it's tough to go "all-in".

We did talk about her old apartment and land-lady and if she's likely to find new tenants for such a big apartment. S openly mentioned the apartments she had up on her screen and talked about them in a general kind of way. I'm pretty sure that she is wanting S18 to be on his own like was her original plan. I still think that's a bad idea until he gets his feet under him better but I'm not the Dad. Whether that's why she was looking or just general browsing, only she knows.

Despite me coming here originally to "bust my divorce" I'm not going to bend myself out of shape here. If she decides that this isn't working for her and the boys, then that is the choice that she as a responsible adult makes. As a caring, mature person, I need to work on being a supportive partner and one key thing that I've learned is to not chase after something that is already over. Not that this is by any stretch of the imagination. Despite my angst at the time, ending things last year with B was a very instructive lesson for me. That you can let go of someone you care about and that that is indeed ok. It's better to do that than to hurt them by trying to force something that just plain isn't going to work.

Originally Posted by kml
I think going for a ramble with S tomorrow is a good idea - one problem may be that the two of you have had very little couple time since she moved in.
We had a lovely day. It didn't quite go as planned as we had to ferry S18 to his job and back but we had a grand time. We actually found pretty much the exact desk I'm looking for for about $40 at a flea market. I left it there (not going anywhere, the vendor uses it as a display) and want to see what is involved in doing veneer repair. I do know that these flip top typists desks are still fairly common and am in no rush. S had planned and we went up to a combination cafe / book shop in an old mill and had a lovely lunch and wander about. I think it really helped us reconnect and we need to do this sort of thing more often. Or at least regularly. It's been a loooong time since we just took a day for "us". S has been making a much bigger effort this weekend to show that she appreciates me and I have been doing the same pointing out that I haven't been kissing her "properly" recently and that needs to be rectified and then following words with action.

Sad but positive news. "The girls" have moved out. S26 came by this afternoon and got them. It's hitting me fairly hard as anyone who knows me can imagine. He's sent me a couple of texts - the girls hid under his bed for a short while and are now exploring his small apartment. It's amazing how big of a hole it makes just knowing that they're not here.

I will be seeing them next weekend though as I'll be going over for brunch. S26 has sent me a couple of texts that they were hiding under his bed but are now out having an explore. He took their litter box and Liz's bed so they will have lots to remind them of home. Plus their Grandpa will be coming for a visit.


On BD
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T27, M26
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I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904239
09/20/20 11:01 PM
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Iím finally going to visit my middle son next weekend (itís his birthday and I havenít seen him since January because of Covid) and I will finally get to meet his new kitten (now half grown) that I have been admiring from afar! Heís a strikingly handsome cat, I must say.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: kml] #2904255
09/21/20 12:56 PM
09/21/20 12:56 PM
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Andrew,

I am so glad that you and S had a nice day together. I am sorry to read that the girls have moved out, but they will adjust to their new surroundings and will not have to share space w/the newcomers. I know that you had mentioned that your son was living in a "no pet" place. What will happen if the landlord discovers the girls and they have to go? Would you be willing to take them back in until your son could find another place that would accommodate them? I would hate, at some future time, that they are bounced around again.

I'm sure the girls will be happy to see you when you go to visit. Now you have more of an excuse to go visit.

I hope this week is a far better week for you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: job] #2904262
09/21/20 03:22 PM
09/21/20 03:22 PM
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Originally Posted by job
I know that you had mentioned that your son was living in a "no pet" place. What will happen if the landlord discovers the girls and they have to go? Would you be willing to take them back in until your son could find another place that would accommodate them? I would hate, at some future time, that they are bounced around again.
According to my understanding landlords can't actually stop you from having pets. Since they are obliged to provide a minimum of 24 hours notice before going into a unit, the current plan is that the girls can stay over here for a day or so at a time as necessary.

The house feels so very much emptier without them here. Liz would sit on top of the refrigerator and survey and judge the world below from there. It's glaring to have that space empty.

Originally Posted by job
I hope this week is a far better week for you.
So far relatively smooth work-wise but with a number of challenges. Because we operate on fairly short lead-times demand cycles in and out. Today is a slow day and I just finished dealing with a customer issue where they are putting off orders for a few days. The weather is nice so the plant staff are going to do outside maintenance "getting ready for winter". A nice change in some ways from the past few weeks where we were juggling trucks trying to ship as fast as we could.

Just found out last night that S's D19 is needing to be tested for COVID. Her room-mate has recently gotten back together with her boyfriend who has an active case of it. So a few days of visiting her family, including us briefly needs to be looked at. D19 is freaking out more than a bit. The interaction here consisted of her dropping off her dog and yesterday coming by to borrow a key to her dad's storage locker. Of course it was several days after she could have been exposed before her room-mate thought to mention it to her.

S has developed a bit of a cough but that may well be seasonal. We're planning on hunkering down until D19's test results come back.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904275
09/21/20 07:32 PM
09/21/20 07:32 PM
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I may be a little behind, so forgive me if I say something that has already been covered, but I agree with those who commented on what your friends said about S. First, bad move to TELL HER what they said. That puts your friends in a negative light in S's mind and puts her on the defensive and that really isn't a good place for her to be. But, like Don said, if IRL people and people here are all kind of saying the same thing, maybe that is a sign you should listen. LOL

As far as S preparing to bolt, maybe she is and maybe she isn't, but the whole tone of your posts lately make me wonder if that isn't somehow in the back of your mind as well...cutting your losses, so to speak. Whatever S and her boys is adding to your life is for you to decide and determine what actual value that gives to you. But, just from the tone of your writing, you don't necessarily seem terribly happy lately. Maybe you are and we are just hearing the "bad stuff" so to speak, because this is a place to vent that, but even in some of your venting "bad stuff" before, you still had a slightly jovial tone that seems to be completely missing now. Perhaps I'm wrong and I'm making way too many assumptions. Perhaps I'm crazier than an old wet hen. Perhaps I'm dead on the money. Who knows? Only you....and I suspect even you aren't 100% sure.

I'm falling back to the position that I was in a week or so (or maybe a little longer) ago when I said to really think about what ANDREW wants, independently of what S and her kids want and what anyone else, for that matter, wants. And, I think I said at the time, that is a rhetorical question, so don't feel obligated to put it out there here, if you don't want to, but seriously, do take the time to at least think about it. I miss the old Andrew and I suspect parts of you miss him too.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904330
09/22/20 11:50 PM
09/22/20 11:50 PM
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what seems obvious to me is that S may not be unpacking because she may feel like she's not altogether sure she's going to stay, for any number of possible reasons, including that she may not feel like this is home yet.

it's worth a discussion.

If I bring my dog somewhere, I make sure he has a gentle airing before drop off to avoid such incidents. Maybe that can be stated for future reference. Seems like you're picking up a lot of figurative and literal $h!t that's not yours. As someone who has been doing a lot of the same I recognize the signs. Helps to set the boundaries, at least for me. Takes away chance of resentment down the road. Just a thought.

also, I would not mention anything anyone says to you about her unless it's lovely, glowingly positive, etc. Anything else is unnecessarily hurtful and puts a strain on your relationship with both her and her relationship with your friends, as others have noted.

I suggest a weekly "date night" or some such thing.

and seriously - clamp down on the revolving door! covid #s are spiking all over the place. The time to get serious about personal safety and hygiene is now, for all of us. do you have some sort of hygiene station or rules about hand washing as soon as everyone gets in the door?


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904370
09/23/20 04:09 PM
09/23/20 04:09 PM
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Happy Wednesday all.

Just saw a thing that resonated that I'm not going to post on my social media feed that sort of summarizes the mood.
Quote
One thing that books teach us is that if your life [censored] right now, you just haven't gotten to the good part

Coming up to 1 year from first date next Tuesday. I need to do something nice for S but am not sure what. The restaurant we had brunch at is still open for customers so perhaps we'll go there.

Dawn - your aim was indeed right on the money. I'm not feeling the Joy that I used to have. It is indeed like moving back in under a cloud again. What keeps me going is that there is consistent progress on getting organized with the occasional back-sliding. The physical environment is indeed I think the biggest factor here. S's D26 is showing up to help with the organizing today after not being available recently so that will hopefully move things along quite a bit. S can do so much with sorting and unpacking, but the putting away and organizing how things work is beyond her. And it's pretty clear that she doesn't want me to take charge of that even though I think she knows it's something I do well. I expect that it's because it's involving "her stuff" and she has bad memories of being told to just throw all of her things away. Which isn't the case here as I've disposed of probably 75% of my physical library and a good chunk of furniture to make room among other items.

As you suggest bttrfly - making some "us" time is also needing to be a priority. S won't go out for walks even around the block with the dog and I but is thrilled when I spend time with her in front of the TV. Shame - the weather has been great, the dog has a lot of fun and it would probably be good for her back.

S and I had a conversation yesterday about how I was fine with my old marriage. I think her angle was some concern that if my ex became available that we'd get back together and she'd be shuffled to the curb. And it also maybe made her feel a "second choice". I assured her that while I did think that I had a pretty decent marriage and do speak positively about things that have gone on in the past, that given the way that it ended that there was no way that I would go back. I've also had to reassure her that my single days were indeed better than my married days. Unfortunately the current situation isn't up to the level that I got to having spent most of my adult life with person who I was adapted to.

On the other hand, S is often wistful about her past lives too but I know better than to call her out on it.

I try to disregard the sunk costs involved here and keep my eye on the long term goal. I know, especially from past experience that there is no perfect partner out there who would slot into the life I had as a single guy. I like to think that I'm the sort of person who does his best to appreciate those gifts that I have been given - asked for or not. And make the best of them. Not someone who spends his time wishing for what he doesn't have.

As part of that, I need to make my own light again, this time with the help of S. My biggest worry is that she won't understand what that means. A lot of what I remember of the bits that darkened my sky years ago have strong echos again now. A perceived lack of control of my environment, a tolerance for mess and clutter, not feeling like a full partner or a leader in the decision making. She, like my ex, also seems to like a lifestyle that is much more sedentary than what I enjoy - certainly at odds to what was portrayed in the early months of dating. A lot of talking about doing, but very little actually being done.

----

In other news, S's D19's Covid tests came back negative which is a relief to all. I have my pulmonary tests coming up next Friday and hopefully that will get enough information back to my GP to help with analyzing my issues. Google has not been my friend on this regularly coming up with a word that begins with C. S I don't think has done similar research as this I don't think is as "real" as when my leg was swollen up to a massive size.

I'm going to be seeing S26 this weekend coming and "the girls". I can still actively feel the hole their presence has left. Now they are gone, S has taken to leaving the door to the MBR open for critters to wander in and out of because there is no worry about my roses. Or so I've been assured. I want to get S26 a house-warming present but am stuck for ideas still. I'd thought about a cat-tree but because he may need to shuffle them here on fairly short notice that's not the best of choices. He's a big Bengals fan - maybe a popcorn popper to enjoy during the game and a supply of tissues for him after the game ends? laugh


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904376
09/23/20 07:33 PM
09/23/20 07:33 PM
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You just had an angiogram, if there had been something lurking in your lungs they would probably have noticed it. (yes, they're focused on the heart, but the lungs are right there and quite a bit would be seen in the films).

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904378
09/23/20 07:51 PM
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So - S is too sedentary and has hoarding tendencies like your ex.

She also doesn't appear to have any motivation to actually earn a living.

So - if you were in couples counseling with her - you might be telling her things like how much it bothers you to have the house in disarray and how important it is to you to get the unpacking finished. That it reminds you - in a bad way - of your hoarder ex-wife.

You also might tell her that you're worried about her health and her back problems and would like her to try walking more with you to improve it.

You also might simply ask her what her plans are in terms of starting to work? (I imagine this will be influenced at present by S13 being remote schooled, right?)

Also - I must ask - what do you think she is doing all day while you're at work? Do you have a sense? Is she sleeping half the day from being up so late watching TV and then just schooling S13 and making dinner?

BTW - is she on pain meds for her back? Narcotics?

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: kml] #2904383
09/23/20 09:06 PM
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So - this is going to sound negative - don't bother beating me up about it please. I like to think that I'm aware.

Originally Posted by kml
So - S is too sedentary and has hoarding tendencies like your ex.
Yep. Although there is a tendency in humans to look for and see patterns.

Originally Posted by kml
So - if you were in couples counseling with her - you might be telling her things like how much it bothers you to have the house in disarray and how important it is to you to get the unpacking finished. That it reminds you - in a bad way - of your hoarder ex-wife.
While it does have reminders of my ex, it's more about me. As you undoubtedly know, I have a huge amount of house-pride. This place, while lived in, was neat, tidy organized and clean. Now it's not. And that's wearing on me. I've not dusted since May I think. Not enough uncluttered surfaces. Despite the existence of the chore list, it's mostly me. S will have a burst of energy and find the living room floor from time to time for example and vacuum it. But it's me that scrubs the toilets, does the dishes, makes the bed, does the common laundry. It's all I can make time for. The dust bunnies have I think created their own civilizations. S18 will feed the critters in the evening and cuts the grass now. S13 does absolutely nothing.

I am frankly highly embarrassed about it, especially when others see the inside of the house. Not that we have company other than the kids. And her kids aren't bothered by it at all. I'm confident that S26 is glad he's not part of this at all and I'm sure he can see the stress it puts me under.

S has been upping her game significantly in the past week - not sure it will be sustained. Possibly co-incidental with her questioning if this will work out I don't doubt. She's washed some of the dishes a few times (I dry later and put them away). She's done some of my laundry (I need to figure out where my socks and undershirts went. She made sure to put the underwear where I would find it.). She does know that the state of the house bothers me and I like to think that it bothers her too.

I do know though how much she resented her most recent ex and what to her was an obsession with tidy where he would leave notes she would say if shoes weren't lined up properly and really push her on the cleaning. How much of that is obsession and how much is just maintaining standards could perhaps be argued at this point. When she's cared for her Dad or visited him for an extended period of time she can keep his house in the "neat as a new pin" state that he likes but hates how particular he is. There is a lot of built up resentment she has towards her father. Her ex she I think views as a comedic figure.

Originally Posted by kml
You also might tell her that you're worried about her health and her back problems and would like her to try walking more with you to improve it.
Yeah - sung that song. She doesn't feel up to it whenever I ask although she has come out for a few blocks a couple of times. I've learned that I just need to go out and do it if I want to walk.

Originally Posted by kml
You also might simply ask her what her plans are in terms of starting to work? (I imagine this will be influenced at present by S13 being remote schooled, right?)
I asked her about if she was going to look for a job and she said that her back issues wouldn't allow it. She's going "into business" but doesn't have a business plan. She's tried a number of things over the years that have gone bust - according to her because her back acts up. And then she ends up with a large amount of supplies which she has hung on to. She has had some people approach her to do aura readings and has said she will but then never follows through. To be honest, I don't expect any endeavor to last any amount of time and have decided that if she's looking for funding to say no. That's where $9k of what she had to borrow as a consolidation loan was caused by. She'd borrowed it from her STBX's home equity line.

Her current ideas - can't call it a plan - is to have some sort of store in the enclosed (and unheated) front porch, and do readings for individuals or groups. She has an accumulation of knick knacks purchased from Wish that are "maybe good for the store".

Originally Posted by kml
Also - I must ask - what do you think she is doing all day while you're at work? Do you have a sense? Is she sleeping half the day from being up so late watching TV and then just schooling S13 and making dinner?
She's usually up until about 2:00 am or so. Sleeps until about 10:00 or 12:00 depending on when S13 gets her up. I'll go in and make the bed after she gets up because it's not something she does except occasionally. They've only had 2 home school days so far and those started at 10:00. She'll do some puttering around the house trying to organize but gets overwhelmed (which is why her daughter is her today). Dinner will be tossed together some of the days but a lot of times it's convenience food or basic pasta and sauce. Then she's worn out and watches TV and plays games on her phone until 2:00 am. She has a huge library of self-help books and fiction but spends little time reading.

I'm up at 6:00 most days and in the home office around 7:00. Work through the day until about 5:30 or so. One the weekends I sleep in to sometimes as late as 8:00. Usually in bed before 9:00.

Originally Posted by kml
BTW - is she on pain meds for her back? Narcotics?
She has 2 sets of pills. Both pretty powerful stuff. I've looked up the names and what she and the boys are both on are highly regulated. One set for her ADD and one for her back. None of what I'm whining about is a related side-effect though. It's just part of who she is.

--------------

So all of this sounds pretty horrible written out which is only part of the picture. I'm not going to be an apologist for her here though. Much of this I didn't know or understand until we had been dating for some time although I should perhaps have suspected. I didn't see the inside of her apartment for a very long time. I didn't know about the severity of her alcohol allergy for at least a couple of months. I had no idea about the meds she was on until she stayed over the first time but then didn't know anything about them for quite a while after that. I was aware that she'd attempted some business ventures that never lasted long. The restaurant. The knick-knack / holistic stuff shop. The allergen free baking.

Trickle truth if you will. Intended to not scare me off until thoroughly hooked. And yes - it worked.

I do know that she is unhappy living like she has. She prefers clean and tidy and while she has the practical skills to do it, doesn't have the mental skills to do it. Getting to something that you have written about kml - I don't think it would be a good idea if anything happened to me for her to be in this house by herself. There's no way she could keep it up even on her own. She'll need to be with her kids perhaps so that she is accountable for the day to day.

Originally Posted by Budd Wasisname
Only 19

As I was walking way down by the strand
I met a fair damsel so handsome and grand
She had buckles and broaches of silver and gold.
Says I, now what a dandy and only 19 years old.

Well, I courted her truly while keeping her fed
The weeks went by and finally we were wed
And when we got married the wedding bells tolled
Says I, now what a dandy and only 19 years old.

The wedding being over we retired to rest
You can bet I was astounded when my wife did undress
Such an armload of battings as my wife did unfold
Says I, now what a dandy and only 19 years old.

Well, she took off her cork-leg right off to her knee
She unbuttoned her blouse; till I counted three
She then plucked our her glass eye, on the floor it did roll
Says I, now what a dandy and only 19 years old.

She took off her eyebrows I thought I would faint
For she took from her face a good bucket of paint
She then took off her false wig and her bald head soon told
She was handier 90 than 19 years old.

So come all you young fellows wherever you go
Examine your true love from her head to her toe
For if you donít do it your bound to be sold
To a patch-up geyser about 90 years old.


And yes - I do still have optimism about the future. We just have to get past this physical chaos stage which is a definite priority for both of us.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904399
09/24/20 05:56 AM
09/24/20 05:56 AM
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Lol only 19!

I have to admit - the picture you paint is pretty grim.

And donít be too quick to dismiss her pain meds. People with chronic back pain are a setup to become addicted to narcotics. And addicts can be manipulative. And opioids make people unmotivated and tired. ( Note - Iím not saying chronic back pain isnít a biatch or that they donít deserve pain relief, just that narcotics are a problematic solution to that problem. ) If her back pain is so severe that she canít go walking or do basic household cooking and cleaning, Iíd say she might need better , more targeted pain management. Sometimes surgery is indicated, sometimes physical therapy, sometimes patients with a ďfailed backĒ need an implanted pump.

I can see how her history with her father and ex might make cleaning an emotional issue with her -OR- maybe she was always lazy about cleaning. Seems to me you only have a few options:

1) Pray her daughter finishes the unpacking with her and things change on the cleaning front ( Iím not hopeful)

2) Accept that sheís a slob and hire a cleaning lady (Iím not a slob but not quite the clean freak my ex was either - hiring a cleaning lady to come in once every two weeks was the best thing we ever did for our marriage. And the pressure of the cleaning lady coming makes everyone pick up their stuff). Is this something your budget could possibly stretch to afford? Seems crazy for her to be home all day and you still have to clean toilets on your day off, this could relieve you of some of that burden.

3) Accept your role as Dobbie the house elf and continue to work full time and clean up after three dysfunctional people.

As for the work issue - sheís basically telling you sheís never going to make an income. What will she have once S13 grows up? Welfare payments? No alimony if she marries you, right?

Seems pretty obvious her affection for you is also colored by her need for someone to support her and rescue her. This is a lot youíve taken on.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904401
09/24/20 05:58 AM
09/24/20 05:58 AM
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kml Offline
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Oh - and donít will the house to her. And donít be setting any wedding dates. Youíve learned a lot in a year that wasnít apparent in the beginning, you need more time to see what else is to be found out.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: kml] #2904420
09/24/20 02:53 PM
09/24/20 02:53 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
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Southern Maryland
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kml has given you some very, very wise advice, just as the other posters have.

I have back pain from an accident many years ago and I finally broke down and purchased a back brace to wear when picking up heavy items or doing gardening work. It works very well. I don't know if this is something that S has considered purchasing, but you do see a lot of people wearing them when they have to pick up heavy items. As for her meds for her back, doesn't sound like they are working too well. Time for her to go back to her doctor and discuss other options. If she truly is living w/a lot of pain, I would think she would want to see what her other options are and start thinking about doing something for that pain.

Andrew, you know how I feel about your situation and I am so sorry that your house needs a "Molly Maid" right now, but even if things are finally unpacked, you will still be facing slob mentality because they are blind to the mess and have lived this way for a very long time and it's now become a standard routine for them.

Even if she gets a divorce in the very near future, which I don't see happening, please do not set any wedding dates. There is more to her situation than meets the eye. Evidently her last husband wasn't too thrilled w/her cleaning and keeping the home clean. Take what she says w/a grain of salt and remember...there are two sides to every story.

I hope you have a good day today.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904421
09/24/20 02:54 PM
09/24/20 02:54 PM
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Dawn70 Offline
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((((((((((((((((((((((Andrew))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I really had to think about what I wanted to say before I responded because I just don't want to beat you up. I think you are a lot like me in that you will beat yourself up far more than anyone else could anyway, but I just don't see the need to pile on. On the other hand, I'm not going to softball you either, because you are a grown, intelligent man.

Let me make a confession here: my life has been a series of roller coaster rides the past year-ish (and I'm totally NOT a fan of roller coasters, by the way). In October, we had the meth lab bust in our building, which left us all in this weird state of being displaced for weeks and wondering what ramifications to our own health existed thanks to professors meth basically blowing up their lab while we were all in the building. While that was stressful enough by itself, I added moving to Sparky's into that heap and moving into a house that is older and needs work and still has 2 rooms and every available cabinet stuffed with his grandmother's crap. Boxes and furniture were hauled in and stacked with a "we'll get to it soon" mentality. In the midst of all that, I was planning a wedding, trying to plan holidays and buy Christmas gifts, make decorations for the wedding, budget for the wedding and holiday spending, settling into a disorganized new home, and the budget issues were really starting to get serious at work. It was a LOT. Sparky and I got married Dec. 31, I turned 50 January 30, and the pandemic hit and sent me to self quarantine beginning March 13. So, the stress, emotional upheaval, and just general blah have had me lazy and unmotivated so there are still 2 rooms in our house that have doors closed and are crammed full of Sparky's grandma's stuff because I just haven't had the energy to deal with them. Consequently, our den and dining room are equal portions of furniture that belong in those rooms and boxes of stuff that will eventually live in the 2 spare bedrooms when they are shed of grandma's leftovers. So, I can empathize with S feeling overwhelmed. I have lived in Sparky's house for roughly 11 months now and I still feel that and I openly admit we still have boxes here and there. It is embarrassing to me because my mom keeps dropping not so subtle hints about coming to see our house and I just don't want her there right now. I'm about to the point of just loading the boxes, still taped closed, in my truck and hauling them to the thrift store because if I haven't opened the boxes and used the stuff since November, do I really NEED it now? So, like I said, I get what S is going through, to a point. I'm not making excuses for myself, though I know it sounds like I am just like I don't think S is necessarily using her ADD and her back issues and being overwhelmed as excuses.

Having said all that, though, Andrew, here is my actual response to all that: PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE! I suspect that S has always been like this. Though I have really been hard on you throughout this whole thing, I have also tried really hard to be team S and realize that I don't know all the subtle nuances of your lives and I'm only hearing one small portion of it. The more you say about S, the harder it is for me to stay on team S. In your last post, the very last line you wrote was that you are still hopeful for the future, but you just have to get through the physical chaos first. Andrew, my friend, look at S' life before she lived in her house. What part of what you saw then leads you to believe that there is any state other than chaos that S has ever lived in? At what point do you realize that this is all just part and parcel of who she is?


I'm sorry, Andrew. I really don't mean to beat you up. I should probably go back and erase every bit of that but the initial hug at the very beginning, but I put it out there, so I'm standing by it. You are too good to settle. Do NOT settle!!!!!!!


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904423
09/24/20 03:09 PM
09/24/20 03:09 PM
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Ginger1 Online
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Dawn said very well what I wanted to say to you. And I know when I say things they arenít taken so well, which is fine. I typed and erased a few times, but I really just want to point out the part that dawn said.

The present is your future. This is who she is, this is how she lives. Itís not changing. Chaos is a normal state for her. Being sedentary a normal state state for her. Not working and big plans with no follow through is who she is. Hoarding is what she does. Being a poor housekeeper, not motivated to clean and organize is who she is and how she lives. Your present will be your future .

Your question to yourself should be ď can I live like this?Ē ďDo I want to live like this?Ē

Because this is what it is. You will always be in this chaos because thatís who she is and how she lives. Can you accept it and is this what you want? Be honest with yourself.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904430
09/24/20 04:08 PM
09/24/20 04:08 PM
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((((Andrew))))

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904448
09/24/20 08:59 PM
09/24/20 08:59 PM
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DonH Offline
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Man, I even feel bad for you Andrew! I do think it's great you are starting to acknowledged what you believe you are seeing. It's often easier for those on the outside to see things like this more clearly rather than a person in love trying to see it. The feelings and attachment seem to really color things. Like is often said, the first step in solving a problem is agreeing and acknowledging that it exists.

I keyed in on the controlled substances, given my own struggle, getting treated now 12 years ago. Just because a doctor may be prescribing it doesn't mean the properties of addiction have not taken hold. Perhaps worse yet, she may be on two opposing medications - a stimulant and a depressant. I've got a pretty good idea what the stimulant is but am less sure if she's on an opioid or a benzo and hopefully not both at the same time! While opioids all act on the same mu receptor in the brain and do essentially the same thing, some are much better (or worse) at causing problems. Back in the Elvis days it was Demerol - something found to really be so dangerous it's not nearly used as much anymore today. The modern day is oxy, but even morphine, which often produces less euphoria can cause a person to really struggle - or make struggles that are already there all that much worse. The sleeping until noon and no ambition is one of them.

Perhaps what this really boils down to is S is not at all in any place to be in an R. She has very little to bring to it and far less to give than she takes. She needs to get herself "fixed" first before you can do anything. I think you already know this but getting things unpacked is not the end game here. It's getting her engaged. I mean think about this, her 13-year old is in charge of getting her up... at noon??????? OMG OMG OMG. And this crapola about she can't work due to her back is just, well just that. She seems to have been living off others all of her life - ex husbands, the government, and sadly, now you.

But, you asked not to go into all of it so I won't go any further, as I'm pretty sure, deep down, you already know. I'm just hoping this finds a conclusion and you don't go any further down this rabbit hole than you already are. Please, please, please DO NOT marry this woman! I'm nearly begging you and I don't even know you IRL! Just don't do it. If history has to repeat itself, it will have to be S that bails, because you won't do it. But staying positive, you are at least now admitting the reality to us and most importantly to yourself. That's a huge step forward so I'll just give you a big congratulations on that and leave it there. That's a major positive step!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904450
09/24/20 09:34 PM
09/24/20 09:34 PM
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bttrfly Offline
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I am not going to beat you up. Your post really made me feel quite sad and wanting to give you a {{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}. There's the hopes we have, the best foot forward stuff, then there's the reality, and the wondering where to compromise and if you can. You have quite enough on your plate without me heaping more.

Know that you will always have a safe place to vent here.

xoxo


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904469
09/25/20 12:07 PM
09/25/20 12:07 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
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LH19 Online
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Andrew my Canadian friend, I will share the quote I often quote on this board but Iím not sure it was ever more fitting.

ďYou can ignore reality, but you canít ignore the consequences of ignoring realityĒí.

Now thatís something to think about.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904476
09/25/20 01:03 PM
09/25/20 01:03 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
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AndrewP Offline OP
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A bit early but new thread time I think.

Had an interesting exchange with S the other day, after she'd gotten made about my friends warning me about her taking advantage of me.

Her daughter had called to vent about her H. S commented - people need a place to vent.

Yesterday was an overall crappy day - but decent as compared to some crappy days I've had.

S18 woke us up early to let us know that the cat had found a mouse. Cute little guy who was terrified. He was hiding under a bookshelf. We weren't able to catch him and shoo him outside. And I put down poison in the cellar right where they come in. S strongly disapproves of poisons but we can't have random woodland creatures roaming the house I feel. Only those with proper training and safety certificates.

It then turned out that nobody had cleaned up the kitchen yesterday. There had been a house-full with S's D26 helping organize (did a great job - lots put away), the two boys and the D19 and recently re-instated BF showing up and of course being fed. S was patient with me and knew that it was all more than a bit much for me to take and so I went to bed early.

So - especially given the mouse situation, I put the food that had been left in an open pot on the stove into containers in the fridge, cleaned up the cheese and other things that were still all over the counter which then gave me space to make my breakfast. This made me about 20 minutes late for work which was frustrating and added to the grumpiness.

S had mentioned that her D26 had said that she felt bad about leaving a mess - S doesn't take ownership of messes.
I know that this is a big frustration for S18 - who is also messy - but he complains to me regularly that his mother is always at him to clean up when she doesn't either. I think he's starting to get the "see something - do something" approach that I follow. I don't worry about blaming, I focus on getting the job done both personally and professionally.

Work was crazy too - fortunately a slow order day given other things going wrong.

We had a container with about 1000 litres of nitric acid in it that we had concerns about fuming during pre-shipment inspection. We finally got the lid loosened and I stupidly reached out and touched the gasket which had been shredded. Possibly the wrong material. Then went off quickly and washed the two tips of my fingers. Multiple times. Stupid stupid stupid. I didn't blister but the fingers still tingle a bit and one is a bit brown. Learning experience. We were able to get the proper gaskets installed and make the customer's truck fortunately. I suppose I should have done the paperwork to record an accident but didn't. I laughed to myself later when the guy who deals with this product all the time basically did the same thing but it didn't bother him at all.

Lots of crazy going on at work - much of which involved me making decisions about things that I'm frankly not the expert on and so relying on those people who are in fact experts and trying to translate between them. We operate on very short time horizons, sometimes measured in hours. I work with a lot of great people though who generally have a good sense of humour and a focus on just getting stuff done and not worrying about point fingers of blame smile One of the reasons why I can't see myself working anywhere other than in an industrial environment.

It was good to be at the plant though to deal with these things in person. I'm a see it (and occasionally touch it) kind of guy even though technically I'm just the guy who figures things out. I joke to the production staff that I'm their "pretty secretary" - yes we can be misogynistic on the production floor.

S spent the day up babysitting GS1 again. She is doing this at least a couple of days / week and it takes up her full day. School is seriously messed up here and hasn't been able to start as far as the online learning goes and S13 didn't want to go with her so she left him home. I didn't even know he was here when I got home until I heard the upstairs TV going.

I did get the kitchen largely sorted out. It took me a bit over 2 hours to go through the backlog of dishes. Then the other end of the day chores that I usually do. S had washed some through the last few days but didn't do the bigger things. It's a good feeling for me to see a clean counter. One of the few things that I emphasized to S early on as being important to me. I did say that since it was important to me that I would make sure it was done so - no finger pointing. S didn't get home until I was already in bed which is usually the case when she baby-sits. Her daughter works at a restaurant

Well - now for the new thread. I've read everyone's messages and appreciate the kindness and support more than you can know.

Give a Mouse a Cookie
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2904475


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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