A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL OFFER TO INTRODUCE YOU TO DB COACHING
Save $75. Offer for new clients and available October 26 - 30 only
SINGLE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE SESSION FOR ONLY $100

CALL 303-444-7004

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 10 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903601
09/12/20 12:16 AM
09/12/20 12:16 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,598
D
Dawn70 Offline
Member
Dawn70  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,598
I totally get what you are saying about balance. Iím not saying we ONLY hear negative. We hear plenty of good things. I just meant, typically, when someone is venting, it is usually about the more negative things that they need to get off their chest. As for me, I donít have a lot of big downsides to gripe about Sparky. Heís a pretty good guy. Do we have minor disagreements on occasion? Sure. But overall, weíre really compatible so my venting is usually more about work or students.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903636
09/12/20 02:13 PM
09/12/20 02:13 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
AndrewP  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
Happy Saturday

Yes - this is my safe place to vent about the negative rather than let it build up and fester. And - unsurprisingly, we are going through a bit of a rough patch as the settling in process continues.

A big difference here as well between what I post and what others do is that I'm very "chatty" as well as open. I treat this like a personal diary with hecklers. Others come here with specific issues to be dealt with. While I wish J9 well - I still am worried that his picture perfect romance may have some shadows in the background. It just seems "too" perfect - when you stand on a pedestal, it's a narrow place with little room to move and a long way to fall.

S does have a very kind heart and yes - there is some amazing nookie. I had no idea what I had been missing out on for those decades. If I had any advice for dating as a mature man, it would be to listen to kml to keep an open mind and to know that there are indeed many mature post-menopausal women who are very passionate.

Case in point on how S has a kind heart - it was a long and tough day for me yesterday and this coming week is expected to be worse work-wise. Well be down 2 people in an office staff of 3 and so I know that I'll be filling in a lot of gaps. I went to bed tired while S and the boys were watching a movie. After my usual pre-bed wandering I was surprised to find S - still dressed waiting for me. She knew I'd had a tough day and wanted to cuddle me to sleep. Which largely worked. Until the boys started walking by the door whispering loudly (they were probably instructed to be quiet), S13 came in to ask if his Mom wanted to watch TV with him, the dog who was up on the bed started barking, S13 came in to yell at the dog to be quiet .....

They all meant well. And it was pretty darned funny.

S has been making good progress in the unpacking. The laundry room - other than the new cupboards - is done. The kitchen is getting close. There is a lot of stuff that she's been dragging around with her, especially related to baking, that I am fully confident will rarely or never get used but that she's holding on to. Personally I have the attitude that if you don't have room then you probably have too much stuff rather than not enough storage but that's probably fairly unique to me. I'm also able to let go of things much more easily than most. As I've told S - there are probably only a small number of "things" in this house that I'm attached to. My comfy rocking chair, my quilts, a bit of the artwork, some trinkets that the kids gave me. If the house were to ever burn down, I would be sad but other than the critters, I wouldn't rush in to save anything.

The big thing we're trying to figure out is how to take some of the load of the day to day off of me. The boys are teenaged boys and so really can't be counted on for much of the day to day. S18 is reliable about feeding the critters but that's about it. There are some projects that S would really like me to spend time on that there just isn't time for and I think that this is part of her motivation. One of the things is us spending some more quality time together.

S's strength isn't with the daily "staying on top of things" so the day to day isn't her strength. She can do it, but from what I gather it takes nagging and she resents that. She IS good at the whirlwind bursts of activity and effort. She also pre-limits herself knowing that her back can only take so much at any one time.

My strength is routine. Things don't get out of control because I stay on top of them.

Oh - I did ask about the apartment - in the "do you know what's going on" vein. S and independently S18 corroborated that the landlord is intending to do a full renovation over the winter which explains why it's still empty. It does lead me to strongly doubt that she's paying the rent there still but again, I wouldn't be surprised if she's accumulated a small nest egg.

Also - S has never had a partner who was open about money. They varied from ignorant and uninterested to secretive. This is new territory for her. Yesterday she asked more about how the budget works - as the method I use (YNAB) is confusing to her because I do a fair bit of forward planning in it.

Well - a day of some routine. Off shortly to do the banking. First load of laundry is ready for folding. I have to take S18 in to work on the way to the bank. After that I'll circle back and pick up S to do the grocery shopping with. As usual it was well after midnight before she actually got into bed and so she's still snoozing.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903639
09/12/20 02:24 PM
09/12/20 02:24 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
D
DejaVu6 Offline
Member
DejaVu6  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
LOL... a diary with hecklers. I love that Andrew. Too funny. I know people are rough on you but I hope you also feel supported at times. I am pulling for you and S. I share peopleís concerns that the moving in together happened too quickly but I do really hope it all works out for you. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903687
09/13/20 08:18 PM
09/13/20 08:18 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
AndrewP  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
Wow. S26 texted me on Saturday and suggested we go out for lunch. So I did. I'd been making butternut squash soup and so took some with me along with his mail.

We went up to his apartment and had a nice visit. His landlord has installed the balcony which will make the place a lot more livable. It's sparsely furnished with a very familiar looking book-case but nothing else that triggers memories. I sort of presumed that he would have gotten a bunch of furniture from his mother. He'd made bread and I had a nice slab.

We popped out for lunch to a cafe around the corner and had a really really good visit. He's doing reasonably well. Some frustrations at work and he doesn't know how long he'll stay there. Certainly for the foreseeable future though. We talked about my health issues and he was happy that the cardiologist report was good. We exchanged various stores, laughed and it was very good. He's not talked to his sister in quite a while so I got him up to date.

He's getting out to his poker game here in the village and has even won a bit lately. I don't think he's been getting out otherwise. He's happy that football season (he's a Bengal's fan) is going and is doing well in his fantasy football league.

He said that he will probably be by to pick up his girls in the next week or so. He would have done it earlier but his landlord has been in and out of his apartment lately fixing this and that. I'll miss the girls but it will be for the best. There continues to be drama and it's pretty stressful on everyone, especially the girls.

We did talk at the end of the lunch and he did say that while physically he's doing well he's having other challenges. I reminded him that there were services available that I used and recommended them to him. I think it maybe helps that I have been very open about how much good therapy did for me.

He's always had some issues - certainly not a patch on what S's boys have, but problems with confidence etc. Hopefully he can get some assistance. I'm thrilled that he's at leas talking about taking these steps. He's known that he needs some help but has always refused to get it so this is a big change.

We ended with a "love you". He's said a number of times and said it again that he does look back on when it was the two of us positively. Joking of course about the very real conflicts that we did have. I'm glad that we stuck it out and that I gave him the space and time he needed and that he's got a good memory of it. It gives me confidence that we'll continue to have a good relationship for years to come.

No mention of course of his mother or anything else. I really get the feeling that he has nothing to do with her which is sad but not at all a surprise. I have noticed in the last few weeks driving by his mother's house that her car isn't visible again - I suspect she's parking in the garage which is undoubtedly why I didn't know where she was until this past summer.

Time shortly to start dinner. One more mouth has shown up to feed - S's S18's friend who is regularly here. I'm making baked potato wedges and pan seared chicken. As an aside, S asked me yesterday, suggesting I had nothing in mind, what was being cooked. She has noticed that I am pretty tired and quiet lately.

Now that I've seen S26's apartment I can put some thought into a house-warming gift. Perhaps something for his balcony although winter is coming. Although I'd like something decorative that reminds him of home and family. In other circumstances a family picture would be the thing, but given the circumstances that, or even one of the two of us is probably out.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903708
09/14/20 08:58 AM
09/14/20 08:58 AM
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 600
UK
W
Westo Offline
Member
Westo  Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 600
UK
Iím so pleased to hear about your visit to your son. It put a smile on my face.

By the tone of your post, it sounds like it put one on your face too.

Lovely smile

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903731
09/14/20 03:51 PM
09/14/20 03:51 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
AndrewP  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
My youngest brother stopped by this morning with a few bales of hay for the bunnies and to loan me his pole trimmer so I can trim the apple tree.

He's in the process of demolishing the old farm house we grew up in and has come across more than a few things tucked in here and there so he also dropped off an envelope that contained pictures and momentos from May 1980 when my parents drove from Ontario to Thompson Manitoba to deliver my science fair project. I was exhibiting at the National competition and my project was considered - er - hazardous goods and so could not be shipped by normal ways. As I discovered upon being named a judge for the regional Science Fair - they've subsequently changed the rules. I suppose we all influence the world in ways that we can never expect.

It was very touching to read the diary that she kept. Mother had beautiful hand-writing even if she wasn't perhaps the most literate of people. It was very "her". A number of descriptions of the colour of the gravel on the side of the road. They did a brief side trip to the Quebec border so that she could be "out of the country" (inside family joke).

The reason why I'm here is that this is a hit in the feels reminding me of what I've lost. My first reaction was to want to share this with the person who is now my ex. Looking over my shoulder to call her into the room. We lost Mother in October of 2005. For a couple of years prior to that we'd drifted apart. Fingers could be pointed but never were. While she and my ex weren't close, there was that shared history.

It just drove home to me the depth of loss that I have endured. Some days it seems trivial. Today not so. When my brother was here I took a break from the office and walked around the property. He was pleased at how the trees that he had given me / us as a gift were thriving. Even the ash tree that was bolted together that was a metaphor here for how people who have grown apart can try to rebuild bridges.

We talked about some of the things that I want to do to the house including replacing the back porch. He agreed that it would probably be in the neigbourhood of a $10k job and since he's been in the middle of building the new house to replace the old farm house, I put a lot of stock in what he says. He did mention that one of our cousins (I have a "lot" of cousins) builds decks and probably would be a good person to reach out to when we're ready to do the work.

But it reminded me of the plans we had here in the before times. Some of which I still have. Some that are no more.

I gave him some roots of the black-currant bush that our Grandfather gave me as a house-warming gift 30ish years ago. The original bush on the old family farm died out a number of years ago so it will be nice that it gets a re-start from the same stock.

Ah well - back to work. I just finished filing the receipt for this month's spousal support payment. #35 of 77. What could have been never will be and what will be is yet to be written.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903771
09/14/20 07:54 PM
09/14/20 07:54 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
K
kml Online
Member
kml  Online
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
Quote
(I have a "lot" of cousins


I have 20 first cousins on my mother's side and an equal or larger number on my dad's.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903833
09/15/20 11:55 AM
09/15/20 11:55 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,498
D
DnJ Offline
Member
DnJ  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,498
Good Morning Andrew

You sound like you had a lovely visit with your son. There is something different, after kids move out, and we each settle into somewhat new roles. Still Dad and son, and something more, friends.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
We ended with a "love you". He's said a number of times and said it again that he does look back on when it was the two of us positively.

It doesnít get much better than that my friend. Iím glad to hear S26 is doing well; and you too. smile

You are correct we all touch the world and influence things at whatever scale that may be. Hazardous materials and a subsequent rule change is a fun example. You have a plethora of good influences over your years. You need not even look to far to see - you just had lunch with him, S26.

A touching post about the trivial/non-trivial nature of loss. Makes one think.

The excellent handwriting of the past generations seems to be a rare talent nowadays. As well as writing letters or diaries of things, like the colour of gravel upon the side of the highway.

Have a great day Andrew.

D


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903982
09/16/20 07:11 PM
09/16/20 07:11 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
AndrewP  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
Just a Wednesday update.

I've been frustrated at work because I've made the same darned mistake more than once. S tells me that I shouldn't beat myself up about it but of course I do. It's caused because I rush - there's now two signs on the wall of my home office - Plan Do Check Act - slow down, make sure you're right and that the plan will achieve the desired results and THEN act. I'm not dealing with anything life-or-death here, but trucks have shown up expecting to be loaded on the wrong dates because I've made a mistake.

Funny though, we had one show up this morning for a bulk load and it wasn't my doing - quite. The customer canceled their order around 7:00 pm last night, I updated the computer systems but the driver had a piece of paper to show up. Can't win I suppose.

All of the stress - from all directions - hasn't been good for me. S has pestered me numerous times wanting to know if everything really is ok. I do my best to be honest and not alarmist. There's a lot going on. The house is a mess - although improving, finances are doing ok but are tighter than I would like, and with all of the appointments plus now S baby-sitting GS1 an hour's drive away a couple of days a week for pretty much the whole day, there's a lot of stress going on. Is this the perfect relationship? Absolutely not. But I continue to have confidence that it will work with work. We do need to try to fabricate some more "us" time in some way. Difficult to do at the best of times. I think a big part of my struggle is that I'm not a "wing it and hope" kind of guy and that's essentially where S and I are. I think I will be in the majority to say that she has driven a lot of the process of building the relationship and expediting the co-habitation. I could have stopped it at any point - the image of Wiley Coyote standing in front of a train with a tiny sign comes to mind - and so take ownership of the fact that I am invested in making this work as well and need to do my darnedest to make sure that it does. Both by passively letting the organization and unpacking unfold and by actively making sure that the day-to-day keeps on track.

Of note for those still playing the home game, I heard from my GP just a while ago. He's referred me for some pulmonary tests to try to figure out what's going on with my chest pain. Because of a lack of corroborating symptoms, he doubts that my issues are GI related and the heart has gotten an at least B- / C+ passing grade. It could make sense. I just heard back from the clinic and because I called the wrong number seem to have ended up at the front of the line and will go in for the tests on Oct 2nd.

A glorious sunny day here today. I'm probably cursing myself, but things at the plant seem to be doing OK. We're starting to prepare for shut-down next month along with budget planning. I'm not sure what my involvement will be. It's been suggested that I do the job of documenting the shut-down. We take a lot of photographs of various parts of the plant that are normally inaccessible to keep track on wear and tear. Parts of the plant date back to the 1940s and there's always something wearing out or needing to be upgraded. It also turns out that one of the end users of our products has apparently been opening the containers with a hammer because they don't have the right wrench. I'd be shaking my head harder if it weren't for the fact that I had to deal with that exact issue on our end about 2 months ago. We now have the right wrench.

Shortly time to get S's S18 off to his job. I might make myself sausages for dinner as I will be solo-bacheloring it. Or liver and onions since I'm the only one who likes that. When S goes off to baby-sit she usually doesn't get back until well after 9:30pm. Up early tomorrow for my weekly visit in to the plant. I'm having wings and beer with my best friend after work which will be nice. I think his newest grand-son is keeping him very busy.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903987
09/16/20 07:25 PM
09/16/20 07:25 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
K
kml Online
Member
kml  Online
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
Quote
Both by passively letting the organization and unpacking unfold and by actively making sure that the day-to-day keeps on track.


It seems to me the unpacking is your biggest stressor, so why are you being passive about it?

Options I can think of:

Things are stored elsewhere (basement maybe?) and only one box at a time is brought up for processing. At least that way there isn't constant clutter in the house stressing you.

A weekend is set aside to blitzkrieg the unpacking together - perhaps after watching a few episodes of Marie Kondo. (You've said her daughter works well with her on this, if you think that's better than you doing it, perhaps you could offer to take the grandson for the day while THEY blitzkrieg it?)

AS for S going to babysit, that should be a POSITIVE in your book, as it gives you some of the alone time you crave.

AS for couple time - that has to be a regularly scheduled thing or it will fall by the wayside. Every Saturday night, perhaps? What is interfering with that?

AS for the budget - seems best for you to manage that. If it's getting out of control because of her spending, you need to take back control over that and let her manage whatever is appropriate for her walking around money.

Unfortunately, I think you do have someone with hoarding tendencies and not the best work ethic (undoubtedly affected by her ADD and her back problems, so not being too judgy here, but it makes her unreliable in some ways) so you need to be less passive if things are going to be in a state hat you can live with.

Page 7 of 10 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004