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Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903427
09/09/20 07:23 PM
09/09/20 07:23 PM
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Dawn70 Offline
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Kml totally read my mind on everything she said. Cabinets would be a no go for me if it was just about a place to stash "stuff" because that just adds to the hoarding tendencies that already exist. A few hanging cabinets or even just sturdy shelves (which is what I had in my laundry room before I moved to Sparky's) will allow for storage of necessary goods needed in the laundry room along with other cleaning and household items. I was also going to suggest looking for someone who is getting new cabinets and buy their old ones if they are in good shape. It would likely save you a TON of money.

I worry about you, Andrew. I fear that your epiphany about reliving your past marriage keeping you awake is maybe even more true than you realize. If you go back and read things you say, there are a lot of similarities and under this new relationship with S, you do not seem to be the same light and breezy Andrew I've come to know and love. I suspect (and think you might have even mentioned before) that, while you are ok being single because you are a grown man who knows how to take care of himself, you prefer to be in a relationship and sped into this one because you found someone that checked enough boxes to make it worth your while. Of course, as I pointed out the other day, as the glow of first love wears off and you settle into more of a routine, you start to see some things as they really are and they may not look quite as rosy once the love fog lifts.

I'm not telling you to do anything or say anything and not even really looking for a response unless you just want to give one, but I guess what I'm really saying here is just be careful. Take care of Andrew. wink


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903509
09/10/20 08:08 PM
09/10/20 08:08 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
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AndrewP Online OP
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My first suggestion was shelves. Cheap, easy to install and if they need to be pretty then baskets could be used. This was shot down because any mounting system was considered unattractive. I think that because we've had the door to the laundry room open for the warm weather and to give the cats more space that S thinks of it as part of the "main house" rather than something separate and closed off which is normally the way that it has been used.

And yes - this is for "stuff". The laundry room is a large room with built-in cupboards on one wall and a large cupboard built into the wall. Certainly more than enough room for anything laundry related plus. Historically these shelves have been only about 1/3 full although my ex-wife did have large piles of "stuff" all over that room. Two sets of book shelves have been put in that work as a pantry because S doesn't like going down into the cellar and I worried that the dampness wouldn't be good for a lot of what she uses. Not to mention the mice who would love to have snacks for their parties. We don't allow the cats access to the cellar - it's not safe for them.

The house does have a significant amount of storage space. My ex-wife was a bit of a hoarder and we got along just fine not even getting into a number of the spaces that are now filled. I of course pared down significantly and that's why 20S had lots of room for her stuff to move in - some of which is still there (yeah yeah).

Having S let go of stuff would be an uphill battle but she's been doing well with the stuff as we/she goes along with the unpacking. There are whole categories of stuff though that personally I don't see why she's hanging on to it that will just have to find a home somewhere.

-------------

I've been thinking very hard about the question that LH19 posed and others have echoed. What is it that I want. What is the end goal that I started this process looking for.

In some ways it's surprisingly tough to answer. I have no fears of being along. In some ways on a day to day basis, I quite like it. I certainly wasn't looking for someone to help me financially nor with the day to day running of the household.

There's an old line that most men my age and older are either looking for a nurse or a purse. That's not me.

Yesterday, it started to come to me as I poked looking for it.

I'm looking for the future that I lost. The future where I will navigate through life with a partner, a lover, a confidante. Someone to share dreams, laughter and sorrows with.

Is that the "best" answer or best set of reasons to make these changes that I have been making? I hope the answer is yes.

And yes Dawn - my light has been subdued quite a bit lately. I need to figure out how to re-kindle that. Getting the unpacking done and the space and flow through the house will undoubtedly help. Some personal GAL activities too. I walk hardly at all any more.

------------------

S and I had a talk about the boys yesterday when we headed out to pick up S13 and D19 (delivered to her place) from their dad. She seems ok with my comments that I need to rely on her to be the one to make and enforce the rules with the boys. She did mention that S18 is very focused on not disappointing me. She is worried about the fact that his room - where the bunnies live - is in pretty bad shape. The hutch is working well, but he doesn't keep it clean. There is indeed a bit of a barn-yard aroma in that part of the house. At least the mess is largely confined to the hutch which is designed for it.

She did say that if he doesn't up his game that she may well take his rabbits away from him. While I would support her in this choice, it would be very rough on the lad. He has a lot of self-confidence issues. He's been bolstered by things like when I had him cut the entire lawn on his own. I made a point of telling him that he did a good job. After-all - he did all things considered. He and I are going to head out to the farm next Monday to get the winter's worth of hay for the bunnies from my younger brother and pick up the pole trimmer to trim the apple tree. A number of the surplus apple limbs will be stacked and dried for the buns to enjoy over the winter. They are quite fond of them and S18 has easy to understand guidelines on what can be trimmed off at will (if it hits the house or car).

S13 has spent a week or more with his Dad which has made his behavioral issues a lot worse as his Dad does zero discipline and there is no structure nor rules. So that's going to take some time to settle him down. S will be working with him on those things. I told her that I felt that I shouldn't be setting the rules nor meting out the punishments and am counting on her. I would be fine though with reinforcing the rules that she sets.

Just as an aside - and it's probably completely nothing, but lately I've been getting a vibe / feeling like when B was steeling herself to leave. I have noticed that S's old apartment doesn't appear to have been re-rented and I believe she is I think holding back some of her income. I have no visibility into her finances and don't really want that.

From what I understand she held on to her apartment during the attempted reconciliation now about 2 years ago so it could fit into that pattern. She's been disappointed so very many times that it really wouldn't surprise me if she has a backup plan.

I am pretty sure that S is worried that this is the wrong set of choices. I'm a poor empath but the affection I feel does feel real but there is a bit of a wall at times. Perhaps that's normal as people settle in to a new relationship at a mature age. I really don't know. It's not something I have any practice with. But I can't shake the feeling that there's a whole layer of something going on.

Ah well - I started composing this at around 7:30 this morning. Been a nuts / crazy day here at the plant. It's so good to actually be able to get up and talk to people I need to talk to and to look at the things I need to look at. I keep making mistakes but work with a great group of people who take it in stride. I get the impression that I'm a lot tougher on myself then they are on me. I'm learning that on the days when I think I know what's going on, to prepare for it to all go sideways. They are also learning where I fall down and because I have such a good relationship with them, they are quick to remind me when I seem about to make a wrong choice knowing that I appreciate it. Who knew for example that sulphuric acid can turn green under certain circumstances. I now know laugh


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903512
09/10/20 08:30 PM
09/10/20 08:30 PM
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kml Offline
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Sounds like maybe you need to be asking S more of these questions directly. As in "I notice your old apartment doesn't seem to be rented - are you holding on to it like you did with your last reconciliation?" No judgment, just a straightforward question.

`AS for her excess stuff - I'll suggest again an inexpensive toolshed you could put in the yard that her excess stuff could go into - the stuff it's unlikely she'll ever use.

And the laundry room - I think it's fair to say you prefer it function just as laundry and pantry as it does now, and would like to find other places to store excess "stuff".

S18 may need more organized cleaning time with some help to get the swing of keeping the bunny cage clean. Helping someone to clean it versus telling them to clean it can get better results especially if they feel overwhelmed by the task. As for her finances - don't you actually KNOW what her income is? It's pretty straightforward, isn't it - child support and/or spousal support and/or any government support she qualifies for? How can you budget as a family without knowing what she's bringing in? Why haven't you asked this question before?

As for your spidey senses - you were pretty on target last time, but it could be hard to tell if something similar is going on now, or there's just tension because she doesn't want to get rid of her hoarder stash, or if she's not just afraid of rejection and trying to reject you first.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903516
09/10/20 09:39 PM
09/10/20 09:39 PM
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Ginger1 Online
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I think your answer to LH’s question in what you are looking forward is probably something at anyone’s age is looking for. It’s a reasonable answer.

The question in response to that answer , for you, is, “is this relationship fulfilling that?”

Not for any of us to answer but you.

And as far as your gut feeling as to the vibe you are getting from her...... the gut is usually right. But also, I know when this happened with B, you weren’t happy in the relationship either. Are you happy in the relationship with S? Usually when those guy feelings come, it’s because you feel it in your gut too, for YOURSELF and where you stand in the R.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903552
09/11/20 12:53 PM
09/11/20 12:53 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
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AndrewP Online OP
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Thanks kml / Ginger1

kml - She has shared her income/expense numbers with me a few times but not in the last couple of months. I doubt that they've changed much other than her second youngest now being 18 which has cut some of the government support.

According to my math she should have some modest savings at this point - likely enough for first / last if she chose to bail. I certainly don't begrudge her that. And while I find it a bit annoying and frustrating, the lack of disclosure actually could be considered prudence at this point.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903553
09/11/20 12:56 PM
09/11/20 12:56 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
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LH19 Online
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Originally Posted by AndrewP
You had said felt the need the need to propose at 3 months because “you didn’t want to lose her” you shouldn’t need a proposal at 3 months not to lose someone.

"When decisions are made on emotions there are sure to be consequences". ~ Nick Saban
I love this quote and see it's true meaning so often. So many issues arise when we fear we are not good enough. What are you afraid of Andrew? Dying alone? Is that fear so great that you are willing to give up your relationship with your kids, financial freedom and live in complete chaos? Definitely something to think about.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I've been thinking very hard about the question that LH19 posed and others have echoed. What is it that I want. What is the end goal that I started this process looking for.

That is the million dollar question that you need to dig deep and be honest with yourself. I always say that relationships are not about "love" they are about value. Been that way since the caveman days. We like to romanticize things. I understand what value you bring to S but I am not sure what value she brings to you.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903554
09/11/20 01:20 PM
09/11/20 01:20 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,598
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Dawn70 Offline
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You know, I HATE when Arkansas has to face Alabama because I know we'll get our a$$e$ handed to us, but Coach Saban is a very wise man. And, honestly, the older I get the more I see the logic in that particular statement that LH quoted. Your response that you are looking for the future you lost is an honest one, but is it a feasible one? Now, this is a rhetorical question and hopefully one that provokes some thought because I really don't even want a response, but I want you to sit with what you said and think about, long-term, is that really feasible. You are a different person now and your future may, in fact, look different now. So what do you want it to look like. I think that is the underlying answer that LH was really getting at. Sorry, LH, if I'm putting words in your mouth, so to speak.

I also agree with LH's assessment about value. What value do both of you bring to this whole thing? Is S adding value in her own right or is she just filling a spot that needed to be filled and quickly?

I am somewhat surprised that S is holding back on putting money into joint accounts. I mean, I don't see anything wrong with her having her own money and keeping some "for a rainy day" or whatever, but do you get that same option? If it is ok for her to do it but not ok for you to do it, I would have a HUGE issue with that (if I were you). I don't know the ins and outs of your finances, though I seem to recall when she first moved in, that the two of you had some discussions and kind of have a budget that does include monetary input from both sides. And, like I said, I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing if you both have your own small stash of "mad money", but if she is holding out because she is hedging her bets, so to speak, that just waves a HUGE red flag to me. She has some serious trust issues and that constant waiting for the other shoe to drop has got to be exhausting for both of you. At what point and what do you have to do to make her feel secure enough to really settle in. I mean, I get she's not had the most stable track record, but as I think I have asked before, at what point does one realize that she MAY be part of the problem in all these previous relationships, rather than it just being all the "lousy" men she chose. Does that make sense?

I'm trying so hard to stay on team S here since you seem to want to convince us that she makes you happy, but does she? Honestly? It is easy, from my point of view, to kind of get a negative vibe about the whole situation because you come here to vent and to let things out and typically when people do that, they are venting the negative, not so good stuff. If that is all I hear, I can slip into the trap of thinking well it is that way all the time and it very likely is NOT that way all the time. Again, does that make sense? Perhaps I'm crazy...……………………….LOL

The long and short of it is, Andrew, that I hope you will take some time and really think about what YOU want, independently of how that relates to anyone else or anything else around you. And, think about what actual value S adds to that picture. What does your future look like? Think about those things and take care of yourself.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903591
09/11/20 08:06 PM
09/11/20 08:06 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
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kml Offline
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I’m sure S brings some important things to the relationship (companionship and nookie, for instance) and since this is a safe place for us to vent, we may get a skewed view. (Y’all hear a lot from me about CMM’s OCPD but I don’t often mention that he’s a genius in the bedroom and treats me like a goddess).

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: kml] #2903592
09/11/20 08:11 PM
09/11/20 08:11 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,598
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Dawn70 Offline
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Originally Posted by kml
I’m sure S brings some important things to the relationship (companionship and nookie, for instance) and since this is a safe place for us to vent, we may get a skewed view. (Y’all hear a lot from me about CMM’s OCPD but I don’t often mention that he’s a genius in the bedroom and treats me like a goddess).



Yes...that was EXACTLY my point. I think we get a skewed view of reality because we are getting one small snippet and it is usually a somewhat negative snippet, at that. People don't tend to "vent" good stuff. LOL


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: Dawn70] #2903597
09/11/20 09:16 PM
09/11/20 09:16 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,834
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DonH Offline
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Originally Posted by Dawn70
I think we get a skewed view of reality because we are getting one small snippet and it is usually a somewhat negative snippet, at that. People don't tend to "vent" good stuff. LOL

Well... that’s not always true. Joseph or the big smooth or whatever other names he went by rarely vented negatively about the doctor he dated for over a year, and may well still be dating for all we know. He expressed some concerns about her son and had a few misgivings but basically said the doctor treated him like a king. He said they had yet to have a large fight or disagreement. Dawn, I can’t remember you ever telling us about big downsides of Sparky or even any big disagreements or concerns. So I’m not sure all we hear is the negative and the vent. It’s often at least balanced. Only if there is little balance that might be telling us something. If there is more negative than positive I think it shows in what we write and is an accurate representation of how we feel. If we don’t have a lot of negative to vent about, or a large variety of ventable topics, I think that also says something. If we have to struggle to see the good and the value of an R that too may be telling us something.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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