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Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: kml] #2902723
08/26/20 04:59 PM
08/26/20 04:59 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
A
AndrewP Online OP
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AndrewP  Online OP
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Posts: 3,365
Canada
Originally Posted by kml
Haha - your work sounds like your home life right now.

Quote
When S13 is with his dad there's no structure to the day and they eat take-out pizza almost exclusively.


The kid's mom is celiac, he has growth failure and he's still eating gluten? Short stature and delayed puberty (as well as difficulty gaining weight) can all be signs of celiac disease. And a negative celiac test doesn't rule out pretty severe gluten intolerance.I had a kid like this who grew 6 inches once we got her off gluten.
It's gluten free pasta. A couple of our chains up here have it as an option. He's not diagnosed celiac but does have a known reaction to gluten.

I recall dropping him off to see his dad in the winter. He'd been left alone for the day - which is fine. I peeked in the fridge and there was 1 dozen eggs and a freezer full of frozen dinners to eat. That was it. I believe his dad does not cook.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: Dawn70] #2902796
08/27/20 07:02 PM
08/27/20 07:02 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,849
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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Massachusetts
Originally Posted by Dawn70
Got it.....so see, I AM crazy. Yes, I knew that about the hose and we clean ours out periodically, but I'm still paranoid about the trap and always check it and empty it if necessary before starting a load. I always do it on the front end, but then I try to remember to do it after the last load as well so that if someone besides me does laundry, it is empty and ready to go. I don't always remember but most of the time I do.

i am also and i always check it before I start the dryer.


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902854
08/29/20 03:48 PM
08/29/20 03:48 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
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AndrewP Online OP
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AndrewP  Online OP
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Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
For any of those playing the home game - I ain't dead.

I have a moderate sized hole in my wrist and will say that the Canadian medical system's interpretation of man-scaping is to say the least humourous.

The short version is that I'm fine and they didn't find anything to fix.

The cardiologist was a bit surprised in the pre-op interview when I said that I was actually having a fairly good day. Certainly some pressure being felt but that could well have been stress as well. On the other hand it's been nearly 8 months since my major episode that triggered me getting in there. During the prep they did give me some extra blood thinner which sort of validated my opinion that they were planning on installing a stent.

Having been through the procedure almost exactly 10 years ago I was fairly sure on what to expect and so made sure that I'd had nothing to eat and little to drink in advance. Everyone was in a good humour and we all had a good laugh when one of the nurses made a reference to needing a "three way". I chimed in that THAT was in no way what I'd signed up for and to count me out. Took them a minute to get the reference.

The actual procedure was pretty quick. They went in through my right wrist, had a look around briefly and then closed it all down. The cardiologist said that compared to what he saw 10 years ago that there was a definite improvement and lessening of the blockages that were visible. Stay on the meds that I'm on, work on the weight and physical activity. He did say that he has every expectation that I'll be back again for stents and even a bypass but that was probably well into the future. I have some forms to give back to my GP that say the same thing.

Listening to the other patients it seems that few of us that were in there got any sort of intervention. There were perhaps 8 or so of us being run through, 2 of whom arrived via ambulance but perhaps were transferred in from other facilities.

S wasn't allowed in and spent the day around town and did a bunch of shopping. Costco was undoubtedly very happy that she renewed the boys' wardrobes and picked up a number of other things as well. It wasn't cheap but she did show me the receipt and everything was in some way needed and she did get a good deal on it. We were able to have that conversation in a way that didn't feel confrontational in any way. She'd spent a lot of money. For a good reason. And explained it.

We went out to dinner to a restaurant that the cardiology nurses suggested that was decent and had a lot of gluten free options. Over dinner S started interrogating me on the types of chest pain that I'd been having and wouldn't let it go so I did have to ask her to stop pushing on that right then. It certainly did throw me off enjoying my meal. She does have this tenacity sometimes and won't let go of things that perhaps should be let ride for the moment.

It's going to be a frustrating few days. I'm not allowed to drive today, not allowed to lift anything heavy, especially with my right arm. S has had a very busy number of days babysitting her GS1 which involved her staying overnight, and then a lot of appointments that required her to be up and active at times she's normally not. I've set myself a task of making digital copies of all of S's CDs etc which she's agreed to have me do.

I'm not sure what the next steps are. I absolutely have chest pain and have had for well over 10 years. It causes symptoms very similar to heart attacks and it's my belief that the echo cardio-grams are showing that I've been having heart attacks. But the primary cause of clogged arteries isn't bad enough in the opinion of the professionals to be the cause. I'll definitely ask for a follow-up with my GP to go through things. It's like an old car that normally runs well but has it's own quirks and attitude.

S and I had a couple of conversations over dinner and while driving home around my ex-wife and former marriage. I think she is still baffled by the fact that while there were absolutely issues, that I was generally pretty content, that we worked decently well together as a team, and that there were at least as far as I knew, no underlying issues that precipitated her to cheat.

S, the boys and I continue to work on navigating our new lives. Certainly staying single would have been a lot easier for me in the short term. As much as I try not to look at this as a rescue, I do know that S's life is materially and probably emotionally better than it would have been if she hadn't tracked me down and lassoed me. Not to say that this is a one-sided relationship. I do get benefit out of it. I have a kind and loving partner who is generally very supportive. We have a long way to go still though and it will always be a work in progress and not something to take for granted.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902917
09/01/20 02:02 PM
09/01/20 02:02 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
A
AndrewP Online OP
Member
AndrewP  Online OP
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
Had an interesting and illuminating conversation with S yesterday. We were going over the budget and again we'd blown through it, especially on groceries. There were also a few other expenses like over $100 at the thrift shop that didn't have a clear reason.

We were going through the charges and S commented that a number of the items that were under the grocery budget were spent while she was visiting her Dad or daughter (I knew that already). And that she'd noticed that they were short on something and had just "gone shopping". Similarly at the thrift shop. I think things just ended up in her cart.

She then said the thing that I think indicated that the light had come on. She said something to the effect that this was the first time ever that she's not had to count every penny and been constrained by that. The way she used to budget was to take her support payments, subtract off those fixed expenses and then that plus whatever she got from her part-time work was all there was. At the end of the month I know that she at times literally didn't have two dollars to rub together. So this is a very very different world for her and she has I hope realized that she needs to adjust her thinking. There's not a bottomless well of money - we actually almost maxed out the over-draft this past month - but it's a much deeper well than she's ever had to deal with.

We'll see how we do in future months. At least we are having the conversations and they aren't a source of friction. She knows that the well does indeed have a bottom and has said that she'll keep a closer eye on things going forward. Up to now it's just been me managing the "family" finances while she is sorting out her separate finances. She has started moving money into the common fund though and is no longer targeting it to specific expenses and is looking at it more as "our's".

So - bumpy but good.

This Saturday it will have been 1 year since she asked me out. How the world has changed ....

---------------

I dropped off the information package from my cardiologist to my GP with a note asking about next steps. My blood pressure has actually settled down into "normal" ranges lately but I still know that there's something wrong. Could be acid reflux for all I know. Given though the responses of the technicians who had been doing the tests up to my angio-gram the odds of it being heart related are I would think pretty high and my symptoms certainly match cardiac more than GI. While I read up on it, I try to take what "Dr Google" says with a grain of salt.

S is off to help her daughter again today - she's been minding her grandson for them so they don't have to get daycare. She might be home late tonight and tomorrow has to take D19 off for her appointments and will visit with her Dad in the same city. She may also go down early and stay over with her Dad so that she doesn't have to get up early 2 days in a row. So S18 and I are bacheloring it. I have some beef out to make a pot of chili for us. S18 has expressed some interest in learning how to cook from me. S thinks he can but lacks the confidence but by the sounds of what she's had him try in the past it's a bit more ambitious than basic bachelor cooking. She's said that he stresses out when doing it as he doesn't want to do it "wrong". That's where my style of cooking which is more "throw it into a pot and hope" might be better for him.

Have a great day all.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902923
09/01/20 04:02 PM
09/01/20 04:02 PM
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 807
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exquisitetobe Offline
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I hope you will not provide her a credit card while she is away to " take care of everyone but you"!
I no longer see this as a rescue. You are way pass that stage

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902927
09/01/20 04:31 PM
09/01/20 04:31 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
K
kml Offline
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K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
Although she sounds relieved to be off her tight budget, this might be an opportunity for the "envelope system" type of budgeting to come into play. It worked great for me when I was younger, and can really help you "see" where your money is going and whether your priorities are right.

Great that you will be teaching S18 some cooking skills. My Aspie son was the same, worried about doing things "right', but he's now become a pretty proficient cook and really enjoys it. In his world food is love and he loves to cook for others.

It's great that you didn't have to have a stent and that your arteries actually looked a little better. It is possible to have angina that is triggered by coronary blood vessel spasm rather than clogging. It's also possible to have esophageal spasm that feels like a heart attack. Hopefully you have some nitroglycerin to keep on hand. Books by Dr. Sinatra, a cardiologist, are a good resource on integrative methods to improve your heart disease.

S nags you about your chest pain because she's worried about losing you.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2902931
09/01/20 05:15 PM
09/01/20 05:15 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,834
Midwest
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DonH Offline
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Midwest
I donít want to step outside my area of expertise here - even though a core of what I did was cardiac, including filling in at a lab exactly like you were in. Beyond that my ex wife managed the second largest cardiac cath lab in the state. That came with my constant interactions with both cardiologists and electrophysiologists who I had constant medical conversations with since I always love to further my knowledge and patient care. Now maybe things have changed since my divorce and my departure from patient care along with constant Continued education. However the procedure you had is considered the diagnostic gold standard. There is nothing better. Dude, they told you you donít have acute cardiac disease. Why donít you want to believe them? If this was a chemical treadmill or echocardiogram or heart scan or something, Iíd share your skepticism. But itís rare for a cath to miss something. Now as KML says, there are other disease process beyond blockages. There could be electrical problems though you have never reported here having palpitations, racing heart sensations, skipped beats or irregular hear beats (all have medical terms I could use but keeping it simple). So at this point you have had the definitive Internal exam And youíre clear or at least clear enough to not warrant intervention. Thatís good news! Stop looking for it to be bad. At this point itís much more likely to be acid reflux, muscle issues or my best guess, stress related. Itís very likely not cardiac based on your own tests And findings. Please stop trying to find the zebra in the horse field. You have had the gold standard test and passed.

As for S, she continues to talk a good game. And you continue to want to believe her. Sheís claimed sheís going to do or try or change so many things. Yet itís been mostly just talk. Believe what she does - not what she says. This applies to starting her new business, chores for the kids, cleaning, disciplining the kids and the latest, spending your money. It will change when she actually decides to change it. Until then itís just talk.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903112
09/04/20 04:08 PM
09/04/20 04:08 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
A
AndrewP Online OP
Member
AndrewP  Online OP
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Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
Looking forward to the long weekend. It's been a rough couple of weeks. My heart procedure plus the challenges in my personal and professional life.

D28 prompted me on Wednesday when we were chatting online that we've not talked in a while so we had a nice phone call on Thursday as I drove home from the plant. She and her H are doing "ok" but not great in San Diego. Current events have them rather freaked out and they are staying close to home. She mentioned that there's a chance that they may be moving yet again and possibly back up in this direction and possibly even to this side of the border. We'll have to wait and see. Disappointing in some ways because I had been looking forward to visiting them in California - although them not being there doesn't mean that I couldn't go. I was talking to S about this and was rather surprised that she had zero interest in seeing San Diego. It's supposed to be quite a lovely city.

"Because reasons" I've not been sleeping well lately and have been having very vivid dreams - often involving my ex-wife. Last night was another in that theme where she was trying to reconcile but with all the arrogance and entitlement that she had for pretty much our whole marriage and still perpetuating lies and cheating. Sigh - the gift that keeps giving. S26 was in the dream too and seemed disgusted by his mother's antics but was carefully staying out of it. I really can't see this dream ever having any sort of echo in reality but they always do throw me for a loop especially since I'll often wake up in a rage and have to calm myself down and remind myself that this has nothing to do with reality.

The full moon is perhaps one of the reasons I wasn't sleeping well. I read somewhere that it can affect sleep. I do have occasional rare bouts of insomnia and never checked to see if it correlates to that. I do know that I was in a grump as S and I had a bit of an argument earlier.

I tend to agree with those who write here that she has a lot to lose if this relationship goes sideways and that she's very aware of that. I believe that she has a lot of things buried - annoyances, resentments etc that pop out when she's tired. And I'm a delicate little snowflake and it bothers me when it does. Which I then stew about which makes me grumpy which annoys her and the cycle repeats. For most things she is technically correct in her complaints - the best sort of correct - but phrases them in ways that make me defensive and feel like I'm not being as good of a partner as I should be. When she's angry she usually drops little comments for which there is no defense or that the defense would be excessively complicated. Like yesterday's "well obviously fixing up the back porch has never been something you are interested in doing". Or the zinger "you keep saying they're not your kids".

I did ask her if she had plans on going back to see her IC who has helped her quite a lot but who she hasn't seen since the start of the pandemic. It took some work to find the phrasing that didn't imply that she "should" go and see her therapist. It's not high on her list and she's wanting to use the available therapy time for S18 who does indeed need it.

I do keep in mind as well S's comments that she has never celebrated a first anniversary. And it's coming up on a year since we started dating so this is perhaps when the bloom is off the rose and she pre-expects things to be going sideways. There's also the stress of the unpacking and dealing with a lot of the stuff she's been hauling around. Something she's going to have to work herself up to be able to do. Keeping her mother's coats "just in case one of the girls might want them" or all of the items purchased cheap - many of which have never been used and still have the original stickers on them - are all things that are going to be tough on her to deal with.

But at least she's making the effort. Her D26 was supposed to be here today and in preparation every flat surface is covered with "stuff". But her daughter bailed and said that maybe she'll come on Monday.

I've also noticed an increasing tendency for jealousy with S. The "who's that" and "where do you know that person from" sort of questioning is increasing. I have no trouble telling her exactly who people are and how I know them and what interactions I've had but still it is a bit of a worrying trend. My ex-wife kept me fairly isolated and discouraged most of my friendships, especially with women so it's something that is "a thing" I'm sure.

I do worry that this won't work out and know that if it doesn't that the "untangling" would certainly be complex. We are certainly going through a rougher time of it than the sunshine and roses stage. I'm clearly aware of the "sunk costs" fallacy but it does also play in my mind that short term pain for long term gain is part of the way that the world works.

When I was talking to D28, I did mention that if this doesn't work out that I probably would stay on my own going forward. If she and her H were in the area it certainly would be easier. But there's no reason to throw in the towel or throw S and the kids out on to the street. I do need to continue to work harder on making sure that I have a voice in my own future which for me isn't easy. I know that S is trying hard too and having difficulties as well. She just has more practice in navigating this and perhaps in burying and letting things fester.

Le sigh. I may make a meatloaf. If in doubt - cook seems to help. Although this weekend is going to be a "cleaning" weekend.

-------------

Work has continued crazy but good. I had some concerns that one of the other department heads was getting annoyed at the short timelines I'd been giving them so I asked to chat. He gave me some very positive feedback that they're really happy with how I'm managing my side of the fence and that he thinks everything is working great. I'm still going to work harder on improving my planning and communication.

A while ago I passed my hand-washing safety training. I even have a frame-able certificate. I now am officially trained on how to take a shower. Since I'm spending an increasing amount of time in the plant I felt that I needed to know what to do in case of exposure so had one of the staff take me around and go through the procedures on how to use the eye-wash and shower station. So I'm all trained on that now.

It's interesting work. So many things to keep track of and to just "know". I'm really enjoying it which is a nice change from the last few years where my previous role was continually being minimized and marginalized.

I asked S out last night for a date night and we had a nice dinner. I blathered on about work for a while and she patiently listened with minimal eye rolling. Even though it's interesting and exciting to me, I know that it's not for most people. The subject of retirement came up. Even though technically I could have retired more than a year ago at 55, my plan is to work until 72. That maximizes my monthly retirement income. If I hadn't gotten the $200K financial hit from my divorce I could have probably comfortably retired at 65 or possibly even earlier if I did part-time work.

S doesn't currently seem happy about this although it's something I've been open about since we started dating. We'll see how that all works out.

Well - enough for now - time to make myself a bite of lunch.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903117
09/04/20 04:48 PM
09/04/20 04:48 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,346
L
LH19 Online
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Originally Posted by AndrewP
Looking forward to the long weekend. It's been a rough couple of weeks. My heart procedure plus the challenges in my personal and professional life.

D28 prompted me on Wednesday when we were chatting online that we've not talked in a while so we had a nice phone call on Thursday as I drove home from the plant. She and her H are doing "ok" but not great in San Diego. Current events have them rather freaked out and they are staying close to home. She mentioned that there's a chance that they may be moving yet again and possibly back up in this direction and possibly even to this side of the border. We'll have to wait and see. Disappointing in some ways because I had been looking forward to visiting them in California - although them not being there doesn't mean that I couldn't go. I was talking to S about this and was rather surprised that she had zero interest in seeing San Diego. It's supposed to be quite a lovely city.

"Because reasons" I've not been sleeping well lately and have been having very vivid dreams - often involving my ex-wife. Last night was another in that theme where she was trying to reconcile but with all the arrogance and entitlement that she had for pretty much our whole marriage and still perpetuating lies and cheating. Sigh - the gift that keeps giving. S26 was in the dream too and seemed disgusted by his mother's antics but was carefully staying out of it. I really can't see this dream ever having any sort of echo in reality but they always do throw me for a loop especially since I'll often wake up in a rage and have to calm myself down and remind myself that this has nothing to do with reality.

The full moon is perhaps one of the reasons I wasn't sleeping well. I read somewhere that it can affect sleep. I do have occasional rare bouts of insomnia and never checked to see if it correlates to that. I do know that I was in a grump as S and I had a bit of an argument earlier.

I tend to agree with those who write here that she has a lot to lose if this relationship goes sideways and that she's very aware of that. I believe that she has a lot of things buried - annoyances, resentments etc that pop out when she's tired. And I'm a delicate little snowflake and it bothers me when it does. Which I then stew about which makes me grumpy which annoys her and the cycle repeats. For most things she is technically correct in her complaints - the best sort of correct - but phrases them in ways that make me defensive and feel like I'm not being as good of a partner as I should be. When she's angry she usually drops little comments for which there is no defense or that the defense would be excessively complicated. Like yesterday's "well obviously fixing up the back porch has never been something you are interested in doing". Or the zinger "you keep saying they're not your kids".

I did ask her if she had plans on going back to see her IC who has helped her quite a lot but who she hasn't seen since the start of the pandemic. It took some work to find the phrasing that didn't imply that she "should" go and see her therapist. It's not high on her list and she's wanting to use the available therapy time for S18 who does indeed need it.

I do keep in mind as well S's comments that she has never celebrated a first anniversary. And it's coming up on a year since we started dating so this is perhaps when the bloom is off the rose and she pre-expects things to be going sideways. There's also the stress of the unpacking and dealing with a lot of the stuff she's been hauling around. Something she's going to have to work herself up to be able to do. Keeping her mother's coats "just in case one of the girls might want them" or all of the items purchased cheap - many of which have never been used and still have the original stickers on them - are all things that are going to be tough on her to deal with.

But at least she's making the effort. Her D26 was supposed to be here today and in preparation every flat surface is covered with "stuff". But her daughter bailed and said that maybe she'll come on Monday.

I've also noticed an increasing tendency for jealousy with S. The "who's that" and "where do you know that person from" sort of questioning is increasing. I have no trouble telling her exactly who people are and how I know them and what interactions I've had but still it is a bit of a worrying trend. My ex-wife kept me fairly isolated and discouraged most of my friendships, especially with women so it's something that is "a thing" I'm sure.

I do worry that this won't work out and know that if it doesn't that the "untangling" would certainly be complex. We are certainly going through a rougher time of it than the sunshine and roses stage. I'm clearly aware of the "sunk costs" fallacy but it does also play in my mind that short term pain for long term gain is part of the way that the world works.

When I was talking to D28, I did mention that if this doesn't work out that I probably would stay on my own going forward. If she and her H were in the area it certainly would be easier. But there's no reason to throw in the towel or throw S and the kids out on to the street. I do need to continue to work harder on making sure that I have a voice in my own future which for me isn't easy. I know that S is trying hard too and having difficulties as well. She just has more practice in navigating this and perhaps in burying and letting things fester.

Le sigh. I may make a meatloaf. If in doubt - cook seems to help. Although this weekend is going to be a "cleaning" weekend.

-------------

Work has continued crazy but good. I had some concerns that one of the other department heads was getting annoyed at the short timelines I'd been giving them so I asked to chat. He gave me some very positive feedback that they're really happy with how I'm managing my side of the fence and that he thinks everything is working great. I'm still going to work harder on improving my planning and communication.

A while ago I passed my hand-washing safety training. I even have a frame-able certificate. I now am officially trained on how to take a shower. Since I'm spending an increasing amount of time in the plant I felt that I needed to know what to do in case of exposure so had one of the staff take me around and go through the procedures on how to use the eye-wash and shower station. So I'm all trained on that now.

It's interesting work. So many things to keep track of and to just "know". I'm really enjoying it which is a nice change from the last few years where my previous role was continually being minimized and marginalized.

I asked S out last night for a date night and we had a nice dinner. I blathered on about work for a while and she patiently listened with minimal eye rolling. Even though it's interesting and exciting to me, I know that it's not for most people. The subject of retirement came up. Even though technically I could have retired more than a year ago at 55, my plan is to work until 72. That maximizes my monthly retirement income. If I hadn't gotten the $200K financial hit from my divorce I could have probably comfortably retired at 65 or possibly even earlier if I did part-time work.

S doesn't currently seem happy about this although it's something I've been open about since we started dating. We'll see how that all works out.

Well - enough for now - time to make myself a bite of lunch.


Andy,

My Canadian friend it sounds like you are having second thoughts about your current situation. I am not going to give you a hard time about the "I told you sos" (but I did lol). Why did/does everything have to move so fast? You have a lot to lose here including your health and your children. You have not reached the point of no return. You don't have to go through with this and see it to the end. People get blinded in the early stages of relationships. You took on a lot more then anyone could or would expect. If it is bad now it isn't going to get any easier. Time to do some soul searching with no fear. What does Andy want?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2903125
09/04/20 06:18 PM
09/04/20 06:18 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,598
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Dawn70 Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,598
(((Andrew)))

Not sure why but reading that just made me think you need a virtual hug. Listen, my friend...I have been hard on you with this whole S deal and it is mainly because you remind me greatly of a very dear friend of mine and I'm saying things to you that I would say to him in a similar situation. It sounds to me like the rose colored glasses are coming off and you are starting to see things for what they are. It is easy, especially in the early glow of love, to see only the good. It is easy to just "hear" the good parts and kind of drown out the negative. Some of the things that you are opening your eyes to now, though, show that you are kind of coming off that love drunk high that is so prevalent initially. I have said before and I'll say again, I'm sure S is a lovely woman in her own right. I don't think you would fall for someone who wasn't because you are a nice guy. But, the biggest red flag (or one of them anyway) for me is that she has been married several times and is still not legally divorced. And, on top of that, you say that she said something about never celebrating a first anniversary. That made me wonder...does she not celebrate them because the relationship doesn't last long enough or does she not celebrate them because neither she nor the men she has chosen in the past are really much on that type of stuff? Either way, it is weird but if it is the first reason, that should tell you something. You have been quick to paint her as the damsel in distress that picks these terrible boobs for partners, but is there a point where you stop and really think and go "d@mn...it COULD be HER?" That's a rhetorical question, by the way, so no need to respond.

I get the sense that you are a pretty good communicator, though you are very conflict avoidant (because come on now, who truly likes to fight?) but I also get the sense, based on things that you say, that S is not at all a good communicator and that she takes a more aggressive approach. She seems very suspicious and maybe that is part of her old relationships carrying over to you. Has she been cheated on in the past? You may have already told us that and my brain fog has it covered at the moment, but why does it matter how you know someone? I mean, seriously, if she pulled that crap on me, I would be hard-pressed not to call her out for STILL BEING MARRIED to someone else. She's fine with living in your house and relying on your resources that you freely give, unchecked, according to a recent post, while she's married to someone else, but you can't have a female friend that you have known for years without her suspicions being raised? That seems terribly insecure to me.

I totally agree with everything LH said above. Andrew, you REALLY need to step back and take a good, hard, analytical look at what you really and truly want. Don't think about S and her kids for a minute and JUST think about Andrew. When Sparky and I were settling into our routine, we had this discussion and I made him think about it and voice what it was that HE wanted. I asked him, if he could make all the decisions without any input from me or any concern for his mother and he only got to worry about him, what would he do. He thought about it for a few days then came back to me and we had a very honest discussion. I urge you to do that for yourself, Andrew. I know that you will want to think about how hurt S would be and you even said in your own post there's no reason to throw in the towel or throw S and crew out in the street. STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM FOR A MINUTE and just think about Andrew. In an ideal world, if you could get exactly what you want, what would that look like? You clearly are starting to have some doubts and trying to convince yourself that you are not having doubts, but your not sleeping "because reasons" tells me that this is all niggling at you a lot more than you are letting on here. As far as her being snippy because you say they aren't your kids.....well, duh.....THEY AREN'T YOUR KIDS! I, of course, don't know the context of which that comment was made, but that comes across as a very entitled thing for her to say to me. Almost as if now that she has you hooked and has moved into your house, you are now responsible for all of them even though you are not legally bound or obligated in any way. I don't know, maybe it is just me, but the more we hear, the less I'm convinced that she's as lovely as I might like to give her credit for. But, as I said to Deja on her post...you are a grown man and you have to make the choices that are right for your life and you have to live with the consequences, good or bad. But, seriously, Andrew, PLEASE...I am begging.....PLEASE at least think about what is best for Andrew and only Andrew for just a minute.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
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