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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Oh Believe, what a nice and grounding message. Thank you for that. I appreciate it.

Definitely touches on some of the things I dealt with in my marriage. When It ended, I went to our mc on my own and she told me “you are never going to be good enough for him, nothing you do will ever be good enough for him... he doesn’t see you.”

And while that’s on him, I felt it. I tried harder and harder to please him just to be acknowledged. I literally had nothing left for myself. So sick when I think of it... but we do the best we can at the time. I didn’t know better and maybe I was in survival mode because there was no way I could see or even understand the repercussions of my own behavior. I needed to stand up for myself and I didn’t know how to do that at the time. 5 years later and it sends me into a tailspin still when he tries to control the situation

The door might be open for us to start negotiating. I’m suspicious of it all and it has triggered me big time the last few days.

I get it.. I don’t need to agree on anything unless I feel it’s fair. But even having his presence in my mind is too much. Definite ptsd- and I’m reminded of the last several times where I didn’t succumb to his demands. It’s emotional terrorism at its finest.

But thank you again believe. I think it’s time I bust out my mantras again. They do help!!


Me- 30's H- 40's
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D filed by H: September 16
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Hang in there Pax... you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. He doesn't have control anymore... you do.

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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Thank you Pinn!!! Almost there.

I came across this quote today and I loved it-

“Having a soft heart in a cruel world is strength, not weakness.”

And I needed that... I know I’m a bleeding heart sometimes. I care. I’ve felt like i have to fake my toughness when it comes to ex. And while, yes, I need to stand up for myself, I don’t need to compromise who I am at the core.


Me- 30's H- 40's
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D filed by H: September 16
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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Hellloooo friends. Been a long while since I’ve posted.

Its been 5 years now since the ex and I separated. 5! It blows my mind to think that we’ve been apart longer than we were married (and no, I’m still not officially divorced).

5 years later and I feel good. I genuinely feel gratitude and appreciation for the life that I’ve built over the years. It’s a good life, but it definitely took time and effort to get here.

I’m reflecting on this because I had an interaction with an old neighbor today. I was dropping off my pup at my old house and the neighbor was taking his walk. I hadn’t seen him in years and I was surprised that he remembered me. He stopped to say hello, we had a moment of brief chit chat and then he put his hand over his mouth as if to whisper something and said, “we miss you.” It was the sweetest thing. Sometimes I feel like my neighborhood thinks I’m Cruella DeVille or something based on whatever narrative ex gives. (Our private road leaves a lot of room for nosy neighbors with lots of opinions). It just felt nice to be remembered. As I drove off, I got upset. I guess I’m still not over the fact that I was tossed aside and forced to build a new life, while the ex got to carry on as usual. That part still stings a lot. I didn’t want to give up the life I had. I kind of abandoned those around me.

This is another thing I learned about d-b’ing and the LRT- which I implemented right away. It doesn’t lend itself to closure. Not necessarily with ex...but with everything. When we separated, i immediately went dark. Our lives where so enmeshed that I went dark on all levels- relatives, friends, neighbors... etc. There was no good bye to the inlaws, no official good byes to the friends. Well, there was one friend whom I specifically told I needed to step back from because she was too close to ex and she was sharing stories with me. I was so committed to LRT that over time I was dark for so long and ex twisted the narrative so much that I really did become the villain. Somehow, the story reflected me as being the one who abandoned things and then was trying to be greedy with money.

Anyway, all of that was really hard to reconcile in my mind for a long time. And while I’ve struggled with that... I think I’ve gotten to a place where I’m ok that I didn’t get that closure, even though I really wish I could have maintained a relationship with my niece and nephew!
And meh... I’m definitely ok with not having closure with wx. Actually I have all the closure I need from that.

Well, that’s all I got. Life continues to move forward and I just keep trying to be the best pax I can be. Also, I absolutely can not wait for this divorce to be finalized so I can officially close this chapter. Hopefully it really is just a few more months of this.


Me- 30's H- 40's
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D filed by H: September 16
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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Hello!
It’s been a while. Just popping in. This place continues to be the safe space for when I need to vent. To this date, I’m so glad I came across this community many years ago!

Speaking of years- I had a good chuckle the other day. I had the realization that I’ve been in a (professional) relationship with my divorce attorney for far longer than I was even married. Huh. Interesting and sad at the same time.

Well things are starting to ramp up as we approach our trial. It’s frustrating and exasperating. I’m finding myself getting triggered and moreso recognizing the physiological effects of the stress. Now that I know how my body reacts to trauma, I can do things to manage it. I know that exercise and sleep need to my utmost priority.

Ex has made good on his threat and is doing everything possible to demonstrate why I am “entitled” to nothing from our life together. As I mentioned before, he was a sneak with our finances and may have been playing me the entire marriage. That part stings. Also, having to prove that I was a contributing partner in our marriage is very demoralizing. I won’t get into it, but it feels undignified to have to provide evidence of all this. It’s just a dagger in the heart every time I have to reconcile this. I felt the pain and angst once we split, but to realize that he was playing me all along is just crazy making. It’s like another layer of pain that I have to work through. What a scum bag.

Outside of this, life is good. I’m staying in and working from home. I’m really really eager for the trial to be over and i pray for justice and fairness.


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Hi, Pax. Having just had my H spew that I deserve nothing from our life together, your post struck me. How ridiculous, I think, that you have to prove that you were a contributing partner! I started reading many of your past threads, and they resonated so much with me, especially as I expect the D process to start soon and will probably need a L to protect myself from H. I can imagine he's going to be so mad about that. I'm now having many of the same feelings and doubts you were having when you retained a L. I'm also around your age with no children. I hope reading your words along with so many others' reassurances and responses will help me to get comfortable with firm boundaries and standing up for myself. It scares me, honestly, to think what could still be ahead, but I suppose there's no point in worrying about that now, as what will come to pass will come to pass. I feel like I can't make it through another week of this sometimes, and I know I'm at the beginning. I don't know how you and others here get through these drawn-out chapters! But you do, and I hope you get all the justice and fairness you so rightly deserve. Sending strength to you!


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[[[[[Pax]]]]]


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Oh cardinal... I’m so sorry for the situation you are in. It’s awful. I was so enmeshed with my ex that I took everything he said to heart.. even though I shouldn’t have. Everything from me being the reason he didn’t love me to allowing him to get in my head and freak me out about his threats re: finances. Cardinal, I don’t post much because I just don’t feel like I have any value added commentary... just know you are not alone and you will get through this. I know you will and I’m rooting for you.

Personally, outside of these current divorce shenanigans, I can honestly say my life is so much better than it was when I was married. I’m more fulfilled, I have more genuine friendships, I’m happy. I think this is the result of really diving in and doing the work needed. Im so grateful for the life I have created. It takes time and intention but it’s possible.

Now, back to the d.. ex is contesting everything. Can’t share more than that, but my god.... we’ve got a long slog ahead of us.

Oh and-
Hello bttrfly. Hugs to you as well. I was driving in my neighborhood and came across a car with a license plate about a wolf rescue and I paused for a moment to send you good wishes. I know you’ve been in the muck lately as well.

That’s actually my new thing I started doing since shelter in place orders occurred. Every time I come across something that specifically makes me think of someone/ something, I take it as a sign. I pause, say a prayer, a good wish or set a good intention and go on my way. The more I do this, the more the “signs“ keep coming!

Last edited by Pax_luv; 08/07/20 06:02 AM.

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Originally Posted by Pax_luv


Personally, outside of these current divorce shenanigans, I can honestly say my life is so much better than it was when I was married. I’m more fulfilled, I have more genuine friendships, I’m happy. I think this is the result of really diving in and doing the work needed. Im so grateful for the life I have created. It takes time and intention but it’s possible.


you've worked hard honey and the payoff is what you've written here ^^
I'm so proud of you!!

Originally Posted by Pax_luv

Now, back to the d.. ex is contesting everything. Can’t share more than that, but my god.... we’ve got a long slog ahead of us.

it was ever thus with him.

Originally Posted by Pax_luv

Oh and-
Hello bttrfly. Hugs to you as well. I was driving in my neighborhood and came across a car with a license plate about a wolf rescue and I paused for a moment to send you good wishes. I know you’ve been in the muck lately as well.

That’s actually my new thing I started doing since shelter in place orders occurred. Every time I come across something that specifically makes me think of someone/ something, I take it as a sign. I pause, say a prayer, a good wish or set a good intention and go on my way. The more I do this, the more the “signs“ keep coming!

ty ty ty and this is beautiful Pax. I love this!!! xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Pax_luv Offline OP
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As I inch closer to trial, my anger and frustration over my ex’s shenanigans is really getting to me. I’m so over our situation and I have zero desire to have to rehash everything. I need to update some of the financial docs and I’m just pissed. This man played me like a fool. I’m smarter than this. I was a very weak wife who learned early on in the relationship to walk on egg shells around the man and it bit me in the arse big time. I’m mad that I sacrificed so much of myself for him and he completely took advantage of it (and demanded that i pretzel myself to meet him where he was at)
I’m mad that I trusted him. And I shouldn’t have. No, like, I really shouldn’t have. I knew this was what he was capable of. I was so naive. He would never do THAT to his own wife.

I’m disappointed that my trial will be virtual because I really wanted him to have to face me while he lied under oath. He would never make eye contact, of course. He hasn’t looked me in the eyes in 6 years. But I Just needed to see it. Would he squirm, would he hesitate, could he just flat out lie without a flinch?
He couldn’t even look at me during our court ordered mediation last year and we were sitting directly across from each other. I, on the other hand, was able to look at him. I have nothing to hide.

If you’ve followed along for any number of years, you will remember that I always knew this was a possibility. While I stupidly wanted to reconcile with the man, I knew it would be a contentious divorce nonetheless because I knew him. I knew he would do anything - anything- not to lose. And here we are. It’s gonna be a rough few weeks, but this chapter will soon come to a close. I can not wait.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
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