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#2898227 06/23/20 03:53 PM
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My goal by the end of this thread is to end limbo, and I'm strongly leaning towards D. I'm moving my last post below under the line as my thread was nearly full.

I'm 99% sure W lied about going to IC. She's her own person with her own free will and doesnt have to go. The problem is lying to me about it. Its unnecessary and if it is a lie, its probably a manipulation to keep me from filing for D. I'm not ok with being used.

All, I want to file and have wanted it way more than not the past couple months. Its the kids stopping me. I love seeing them everyday. Hearing them while I'm working. Having all this extra time with them as they are home with me. If I D, they go to daycare and there is just so much less time in the day with them, not to mention losing them a week at a time. Is my temporary time with them now worth the energy and financial drain from W. Is it worth having strangers raise my kids because my W wont meet any of my needs. If I ever date again, it would be awhile from now so its not like my relationship needs will be fulfilled either way. The kids do continue to see a dysfunctional marriage daily but if I D, they may never see a functional one as it is. I resent my W for her part in putting us here. Moreso for putting this decision on me to make. I see why she cant make it herself. Just dont get avoiding working on anything. My wants and goals are out of alignment against my will and I can't realign them without making a move. I'm ashamed to even think about Ding to put my happiness above the kids. They are fine in this sitch. Im the one who isnt. How healthy will their dad be with a vampire siphoning his energy however. For my own health and for my kids in the long run, I'm going to D. I'm going to have one last chat with W after I receive my protection device about counseling or D. If she chooses D or more time, I D. I'm taking control back of my life and not sacrificing for someone who gives me nothing. Cooking a few meals a week and talking occasionally is not a wife or partner.

Previous essay:
___________________________________________________________________
U, I forgot to mention thank you for your post on anxiety. It's a beast. It's part of me and I accept it. Managing it is the fun part. When things are going well, its an amazing tool which turns in to excitement and can drive you forward.

All, I spent time the last few days just thinking, visualising and reading a book called Mindful attraction Plan. In that book, they suggest taking a personality test to uncover more about yourself. I did and well, my root personality is that of someone with anxiety, whom wants stability, is trustworthy, reliable yet suspicious. Alot of it resonated well, as does my myers briggs results. Anxiety and stability is part of my core. Who I am. No amount of therapy or medicine can change my personality. It can be managed and directed towards something positive which Ive done in the past and when thats happening, I'm flowing and excited. Like having caffeine for the first time in a month.

I thought, if I had billions of dollars in cold hard cash, no need for a job, what would I do and what would I want. Well, I'd want stability, as much time with my kids as possible and a loving woman to join me in day to day stuff and occasional vacations, as well as live in a foreign country for a few years. I'd like to give back to the community by cleaning up ruined areas and help others going through a tough time.

Here's the conflict...the loving woman part, living in a foreign country and as much time as possible with the kids. I'm holding on for all that to be possible still yet even if we fixed the M, I dont think W will ever be the woman she was that I fell for.

My IC basically said the same thing as Ginger, which Ginger spelled out nicely.

I'm losing part of myself living like this and I'll probably be better off alone 50/50 with the kids.

Wayfarer, I get your POV on recording in a private location. It is awful and same as filing for divorce, it will cross my comfort zone and put me in the land of what I deem not ok. I also dont like hitting people in the face but I'll do it in self defense. Thats what this is. No I wont save every little conversation. The point is to have evidence to cover myself if a false allegation occurs. The consequences of a false allegation are way worse than crossing my own boundary. All it takes is for her to call the cops, get me in jail with no evidence, just her word and I need to spend thousands to prove my innocence. Its legal here to record and if it wasnt, I'd still rather face those fine then lose custody. My attorney told me to "be very careful" after filing especially if I deliver the news.

LH, my confusion/mixed signal is her actually making a fathers day gift for my dad, who was fired when I was. A homemade blanket from a team he likes. She finds me multiple times a day to talk, even when I'm alone in my room. Im guessing I just need to tell her to give me space if I want emotional space.

Wayfarer, on the topic of who I'll be on the otherside of this, I say I don't know as the futures unpredictable. I know who I want to be, but I'm going with the flow, a step at a time. This will make me stronger, more focused. I'm not spending too much energy getting in to that unknown, only just on what I want and whom can achieve those things.
What W disagreeing looks like to me is what she chooses it to be. I dont control it. If youre asking the ideal I'd like to see, it would be to actually listen to my side, for example by pausing to think about what I said, then telling her take in her normal voice. Just be to listened to is all I ask. If her disagreement is logical and makes sense to do, then I'm for it. Right now its like shes full of masculine energy and just wants to challenge everything, aggressively. Maybe its her trying to be assertive. Right now its like a former friends I had, who always tried to be in charge, and disagreed with everything. If it wasnt his way, then he wouldnt be a part of whatever it was.

Wayfarer, As far as how I'd feel if W called out my anxious behaviors, I dont need to think about how it would feel. I know it. Everyone or her friends and family knows it as she told everyone my problems and I didn't hide if something bothered me. She would directly attack me or be unsupportive when I had anxious episodes. With her attacks for one she says that she's sick and two, I helped her when she had them, being kind but not "nice". In regards to your friend that basically ignored their roommate for months, that's easy to do. I did that when I lived with a tool as well. My current roommate is the mother of my kids and the kids really should she some peaceful adult interaction and theres constant interactions of kids asking for mommy or daddy. Both kids are taking medicines and we have to make sure we dont double up doses on accident. Talking about grocery shopping to limit trips and virus risk. It just doesnt seem right to cut her off for the kids sake. I mostly bring up "business" only, she's seeking me out over non business stuff.

This was hilarious "Your idea of harmful is my Tuesday afternoon with 2 teenage girls in the house. I am bursting at the seems with passive aggression". I'm sorry for the struggle. I still don't want to hang around while eyes or rolling or there are sighs from my roommate. My daughter sure, I'd validate her feelings then let her know I dont appreciate the gesture. I do think if I had more tolerance for my W, I'd be less put off and closer to what you're telling me. As it is now, I generally dont care about her moods, she's been in one for years and its toxic. They still affect me but I'm not caring anymore if it makes sense. Rereading this, Clearly I have resentment here to look at.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2898231 06/23/20 04:05 PM
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C,

Let me start off by saying I am not anti you filing for D. I think when it comes down to it though it is all about your anxiety and you think filing for D will relive it. I promise you it will not. If you want to put your kids first then do it. Trust me right now if you guys are not fighting then they will have no idea you are in a dysfunctional relationship.

You have the opportunity to man up and be the rock for your kids and not let the vampire bring you down.

I respect your decision either way. Try to have the conversation from a place of love and compassion and not hate or aggression.

Good luck!


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Core #2898246 06/23/20 06:42 PM
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Not only will filing for D not resolve your anxiety, but I would suggest not making a D decision at all until you can reduce your anxiety levels. Otherwise your situation, no matter what direction it goes, will eat you apart.

Core #2898253 06/23/20 08:44 PM
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LH and U are absolutely right.

Filing for D will not relieve your pain or anxiety. That is what is called the "illusion of action". If I do A, then B will happen.

Is your home situation fairly calm? Is W fighting you all the time? Or are you somewhat cordially cohabiting?

I think the reason you are so stressed is you feel you have to make a decision right away. You feel as if there is some sort of deadline hovering over your head. Why do you think that is?

You don't have to decide anything, you know. You actually have the control here. What is it YOU want to do? Not W, not to fix the MR. But you, yourself - what does Core want to do?

You could take this time to learn how to calm your anxieties and fears, spend tons of extra time with your kids, and focus on your own self improvement. You could let W alone to figure out her own business while you figure out yours.

The future is unwritten. Living there, projecting your current situation into the future is pointless. You dont know what will happen. Neither do I, and neither does anyone on this board. As an example - did you really think a year ago that we would all be on lockdown due to a pandemic? I sure as [censored] didn't see that one coming lol

Take some time, Core. Think about what you want to do.

Take care, man smile

IronWill #2898313 06/24/20 12:55 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19

Let me start off by saying I am not anti you filing for D. I think when it comes down to it though it is all about your anxiety and you think filing for D will relive it. I promise you it will not.

Originally Posted by Unchien

Not only will filing for D not resolve your anxiety, but I would suggest not making a D decision at all until you can reduce your anxiety levels. Otherwise your situation, no matter what direction it goes, will eat you apart

I'm with you that D wont relieve my anxiety. It may give me a better life though which means less stress, more energy and more time to heal from anxiety. I can reach for my goals that W is blocking instead of sitting in this limbo.

Originally Posted by LH19

If you want to put your kids first then do it. Trust me right now if you guys are not fighting then they will have no idea you are in a dysfunctional relationship.

I wonder if they will eventually. D4 had a dream where W and I kissed each other and then gave her a bunch of kisses. Dreaming of a normal family unit. Its probably easier on them if we D when they are younger.

Originally Posted by LH19

You have the opportunity to man up and be the rock for your kids and not let the vampire bring you down.

True

Originally Posted by IronWill
LH and U are absolutely right.

Filing for D will not relieve your pain or anxiety. That is what is called the "illusion of action". If I do A, then B will happen.

Is your home situation fairly calm? Is W fighting you all the time? Or are you somewhat cordially cohabiting?

Things are calm, we haven't fought in awhile. This is honestly the calmest we've been as a couple since her personality shift a few years back. If we added in intimacy and love, this would be a healthy home.

Originally Posted by Ironwill

I think the reason you are so stressed is you feel you have to make a decision right away. You feel as if there is some sort of deadline hovering over your head. Why do you think that is?

That was the stress for awhile. Its the instability now. Check out Maslows Heirarchy of needs. My "needs" on this scale are disrupted near the bottom of the pyramid. My IC quoted this as well when mentioning I need a safe space to heal. One minute I'm here planning my departure, the next I see wedding photos on the wall. One minute I'm detaching from W, the next she says "you can come out with me and the kids". She actually wanted help on a short trip and thats how I was asked. I cant trust this person.

Originally Posted by Ironwill

You don't have to decide anything, you know. You actually have the control here. What is it YOU want to do? Not W, not to fix the MR. But you, yourself - what does Core want to do?

Sadly I want to D her and move on. I want to start the next phase of my life. If D can take a year, its just that much longer living with no intimacy and living in a stuck situation. It pains me to write how I truly feel about W for the world to see here. I'll say that I'm distant emotionally, physically and spiritually and I dont want to close that void. I prefer it now.

Originally Posted by Ironwill

You could take this time to learn how to calm your anxieties and fears, spend tons of extra time with your kids, and focus on your own self improvement. You could let W alone to figure out her own business while you figure out yours.
This is my MO for the time being, I just dont want to spend too long here. The stress eats at me, my work performance is lowering and I can feel myself getting dumber by the day. I did soul searching and what I cherish the most besides my kids is stability. If one of my inner most wants is off, im not sure how well the anxiety battle will go. If I got hit by a car, its like putting a band aid on my scratches while leaving a gaping bleeding gash in my leg.

Originally Posted by Ironwill

The future is unwritten. Living there, projecting your current situation into the future is pointless. You dont know what will happen. Neither do I, and neither does anyone on this board. As an example - did you really think a year ago that we would all be on lockdown due to a pandemic? I sure as [censored] didn't see that one coming lol

The futures exciting, it means change and growth. End of current problems, beginning of new ones. Cant predict it but Im ready for it.

I'm pretty my W made up going to counseling. I see no purpose in that. Dont go or do go but why lie. All this energy thats put in to bread crumbing could be utilized way better elsewhere.

I meditated for about 1.5 hours yesterday to think about what I want. In the beginning stressors presented so I got in the mindset of abundance. If I had no debt, all the money I needed, no need to work and have all sorts of stable women desiring me, what would I do with my life? What would my hobbies be, how would I feel, would there still be anxiety, what would I spend on, where would my time go, what would I do with my sitch?

I'm pretty on point with myself already, my answers were mostly to enjoy my kids, my current hobbies, give back to the world with love, clean up litter and help people. Solve problems. Where I cant meet my remaining purposes and desires is in hold because of W. I want a loving partner to spend time with. If I could have 40 women or 1, I'd rather one close intimate partner. I want to remove my debt but I can't as we need the money to survive post D. I want to travel but cant as I'm at risk of the family courts. I cant have a close intimate partner as my current one is on the dang moon and I dont want to send a rocket to bring her back. I'm gone and shes gone. I want my life, I want to aspire and work towards the wants that I yet to have. I want to live in an uncluttered house. Her stuff is everywhere and I'm sick of moving it and the kids deserve a clean environment. I want my house and my space.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2898315 06/24/20 01:14 PM
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C,

Here's the thing Core if you become the man you described then I guarantee you would attract your W back or if she filed you wouldn't care because you would find someone better.

I am curious that you say your stressed but things seem really calm right now. What are you stressed about?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Core #2898317 06/24/20 01:25 PM
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Core, I often tell LBSs, it is perfectly legit if and when you've had enough to move on, file for D, and go out and live an awesome life! I had a date set in my stich. If that date came and she was still not committed back to the MR, I was going to file for D. No one can blame a LBS for getting to that point.

My only caution is to ONLY do that when you are ready to be D'd. Do not do it (as LH says) to relieve pain. Do not do it as a final wake-up call for the WAS. Only do it when you are ready to move on in life without the WAS, and you are ready to end the MR.

I also only advocate it IF, IF the LBS has done all of the work on themselves. As the bald Texan TV therapist says: earn your way out. Otherwise you will have unresolved emotional baggage that you will carry with you UNTIL you deal with it.

My only exception to the above is in certain cases where the WAS/WS has moved out, and is in a R with an AP that they are open and unabashed about. I hate seeing LBSs sit idly by, stuck where they are at, when the WAS has moved on and is not even willing to consider R. I don't think this is your sitch. Typically, LBWs have more problems with this than LBHs do.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Core #2898319 06/24/20 01:38 PM
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LH,

If I became the man I described, I wouldn't want her back. I don't want her back, attraction is diminished.

Its stressful being openly lied to and being taken advantage of. Its stressful having her lie to friends and family about me. It's stressful living in a cluttered home (picture a calm version of hoarders, thats her areas). Its stressful hearing teenage girl huffs and puffs over tiny things. W spends money daily on nonessentials adding to clutter and depleting money that could go to kids college. I am stressed that I cant live my life how I want to. For example, Ive been selling my possessions on eBay for years to take out chunks of the mortgage. I cant do that anymore as she'll now get half. I'm stuck until I make the move and not moving forward in life, sitting stagnant stresses me.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
SteveLW #2898434 06/25/20 02:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Steve85

My only caution is to ONLY do that when you are ready to be D'd. Do not do it (as LH says) to relieve pain. Do not do it as a final wake-up call for the WAS. Only do it when you are ready to move on in life without the WAS, and you are ready to end the MR.

I also only advocate it IF, IF the LBS has done all of the work on themselves. As the bald Texan TV therapist says: earn your way out. Otherwise you will have unresolved emotional baggage that you will carry with you UNTIL you deal with it.

I'm ready to D for me. Not as a wake up call or last resort but for me and my future. I plan on waiting a bit longer for covid to pass but I'm ready. I'd prefer her be the one to file but thats probably not going to happen while she's comfortable in the sitch. Until then as you mentioned, I'm going to earn my way out.

What I'm doing currently and continually working on:

Physical - walking 5 days a week, weight lifting 3x, stretching 1x. Slowly reintroducing caffeine. Continuing to stay off alcohol. Cut non fruit/veggie sugar to about 10g/day. Cut out soy (slight allergy and estrogen forming). Taking 5htp, fish oil, ACV, morning breathing exercise 7x, physical play with kids all the time.

Intellectual - reading Mindful Attraction Plan, posts here, learning a foreign language, watching content on stoicism, frame, attraction, anxiety, learning new job skill, teaching D4 basic math, discontinuing Hold on to your nuts for now.

Emotional - posting here, continuing IC, mediation 3x, self hypnosis 1x, Power of now queued up to read, visualization exercise in the AM about 3x, talking with friends and fam more frequently than past 4 years or so, fighting to keep up abundance mindset, postponing PMA.

Spiritual - majorly lacking again.

Vision - decided what I want in life. Pursuing those I can without putting my future at risk due to my sitch. Spring cleaned attic and basement, moving to garage next, consolidating and pricing my valuables for sale after D to pay off attorney.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2898481 06/25/20 04:54 PM
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I have some thoughts to the source of my spinning. It's a battle of two belief systems.

Set A: Fight for marriage till the bitter end, kids need two parents in one home, god is pro marriage, W can be forgiven, you love w and are attracted to her most times just not at the moment, divorce will cause shame, life will be worse after.

Set B: You're holding on to a dead marriage, W forsake god and the marriage-this makes it ok and advisable to D, you dont love her and arent attracted to her-did you ever?, the kids are worse off the longer this lasts, divorce will help to achieve goals and thus happiness, you cant forgive W, life will be better after D, W doesnt deserve you and you deserve better, if Im only holding on for the kids then there is nothing worth saving.

Reality is probably inbetween these two however I keep trying to pick one mindset or the other. My former snooping is for confirmation that im making the right choice. My previous check ins with W are to help me validate my choice. My search for whats she's doing right and wrong are to reinforce both beliefs. Such is my mind right now. I can see a grey middle at times but I dont want to, because that makes this harder. Theres a nagging belief still telling me I'm wasting my time. If W comes back, why would I want her, what value does she bring? Besides physical benefits, I dont foresee much and that su**s to say. She hasnt been supportive or loving in years, I think that is who she is, not the woman who appeared the first few years. I'm starting to wish I didn't disrupt the EA and she continued with wanting the D. If she filed in Sept, I'd possibly be D'd and moved on to supporting just myself and the kids. Those last few lines are just venting and journaling. I'm hitting the weights today and trying to squeeze in my weight goal. I'm close with just a few days left.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
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