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Today has been much better thankfully. No crying, good mood, didnt bring it up once. We have been through this before after a vacation. And she has never really had me follow through on more dad time. I would never deprive her. Now that he pretty much doesnt work, she stays at extra night at times and gets to see him much earlier on her days with him.

She does have her period presently. She got her first in March, and she gets it every 2-3 weeks and she has it right now. You can imagine how often we have the hormones raging here with an every 2-3 week cycle.

Everything seems back to normal for the most part for her. We are watching the babysitters club together, doing our project together, and making cinnamon buns tonight. Tomorrow Im off too and we will do the same sort of stuff. Shes kind of quarantined right now, so we are low key. But she does like to be home, so thats a plus.

The week after this Im off and we are going to my dads a few days and might rent a boat or jet skis. So that will be fun for her. And me. Something to look forward to.

Im really emotionally exhausted. My 40s blow so far. But Im sure this too shall pass

Thank you everyone

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Yes it will pass. 2020 seems interminable but eventually all this will pass. Try to smell the roses every day.

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IN the last 24 hours, the hits have kept on coming. D12 and i did have a good day, but she brought it up again and wanted to to talk to her dad about the extra day. I texted him and he agreed "as long as it isn't on one of the days she is in school in person" This angered me and got some emotions flowing and my tears came out in front of her. I'm usually very good at sheilding her from my reactions and emotions, but i couldn't, She started crying and hounded me as to why I was upset and if I was mad she wanted to spend more time at her dads and i assured her it wasn't. Well, I finally gave her an ounce of truth, even though it didnt color her dad in the best light. I explained ot her that since birth I changed my job many times so that I could be there for her and be her primary care giver. I did whatever it took to make it work and i don't regret for a second because I love being her mom. HOever, her dad didn't have to sacrifice a thing. He lives his life and took what was convienient to him and that is difficult for me. I told her her father loves her and takes good care of her, but it was always mom who went out of her way to make it work, even when it wasn't convienient. She understood where I was coming from and she asked me if dad every apologized. I told her her dad has never apologized for anything and I don't believe he was sorry for it, so he felt there was no apology needed. ANd I said, I just wanted the appreciation for my sacrifices, not the apology. She said maybe his way of showing it now is doing stuff for you life he does. I agreed, that may be his way of showing his appreciation. I said I was just sad to have less time after all these years but i am happy she is finally getting what she has wished for for so long.

I don't want to give up time with her. And I am p*ssed that he has only been willing to since she is pretty self sufficient and its so easy now. Maybe i shouldn't have shared my feelings with her, but she is getting older and I don't think I did any harm. She needs to see and hear some truth. My heart hurts over it though.

Then today I found out that M is indeed single. How did I find out about that? ON the platform where we met, Bumble. He has put his profile back, and updated it. He used a picture he took for me personally at his borther's wedding when I told him I wanted to see him in his tux. It's on my camera role. The big shocker? He said he wants more kids. He didn't when I was with him. ANd he was very heavily against marriage.

It was really hard to see. It's irrational, but to see his dating profile kicked me in the gut, lso when I thought when he might be in an R, that kicked me in the gut. I guess knowing anything about his life kicks me in the gut. and it's been a year. I have no idea why. Maybe because I am emotional lately.

I don't know why all of this is happening at once. It feels like a test. How much can I take before I break? I have had this test many times before and I always pass. I don't need it. I am just trying ot live my life over here.

And no worries, I did swipe left.

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I'm sorry you are having such a rough time, G. I think you did right in being honest with D12. She is getting older and naturally more aware and inquisitive so I don't think that you did anything wrong in telling her the truth. You didn't call her dad names or anything, just matter of factly explained the situation. Still I am sure it wasn't easy for you to say or her to hear, but I think it was probably a good thing. You are a great mom and your D knows it and she will forever be grateful and you all will always have a strong relationship. You may not see it until she is a parent herself, but I guarantee you she will parent by the example you have laid out for her. wink

As far as M, I'm sorry you felt kicked in the gut. Good for you swiping left! I think all of the stuff you mentioned (the tux pic, wanting kids) are just his way of trying to put his best foot forward. What you should remember, though, is that you saw the REAL M. The one who couldn't/wouldn't commit, who valued his own time and preferences over yours, who was more than just a casual, occasional toker. While that isn't coming out in his profile (and of course it isn't, because who would own up to sh!t like that in a dating profile????), some sucker is going to fall for that and then get the same version of M that you did. I understand the kick in the gut and I am so sorry you are feeling it, particularly on top of everything else.

Hang in there, G. If we weren't a hot spot right now, I would tell you to pack your bags and head south for a few days and just hang out. Try to relax and do something fun/nice for yourself. I'd send you some happy mail if I knew your address. wink


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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Thanks dawn. You are so so very right. Hes putting his best foot forward for sure to attract women in. He called himself generous ( ha!) wanting an R and more kids. Little does anyone know he smokes pot around the clock, its more important than the relationships in his life, his ex wife hates him and they cant even exchange a word and exchange their kid at the police station.

Not many women are patient, kind and understanding with these things. And I loved his son like my own. Good luck finding someone close.

And my daughter absolutely needs some truth in her life. I never bad mouth him, but she is curious, she smart, and she knows more than I care to imagine.
Life is kicking my butt lately. When this whole COVID slows down. Ill take you up on that offer

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.....in addition to all of the above.....

Hes not the first blast from my past to come across my path on bumble. My best friends husbands good friend who I was talking to and went on a date with like 8 years ago popped up. We have kept in touch since, we always comment on each others dating profiles when we cross paths. This time, it turned into a date. Which wasnt bad. I had to cancel my second because D 12 came home early. Our issue in the past was he wanted a wife and kids of his own and his own family, and no someone elses. Well, hes 47 now, never married and never had kids. But I still dont think its going to work. I had to ask my self a few times if I even considered this because I was lonely. And I still dont know the answer. Then I came across that lying coworker of y cousins that we had some dates and sex with. I swiped right to see if he did, I was curious. And he did. But I didnt message. Apparently hes ready for a relationship now. My past has been in my face on bumble. I should probably get off.

And this is really embarrassing. But I have a huge crush on my married coworker. And even worse his wife works there too! We have a chemistry and a banter and we just mesh so well. His most attractive qualities are that he is a dedicated family man and took his wifes 3 sons as his own. He also just got the Florence nightingale award at work , and that should just speak to his character. Hes so funny, we have the same personality, and just click. The worst? My coworker always tell me if he wasnt married, you guys would make the cutest couple and they have no clue how I feel about him. Id never act on it, he would never act on it, but it has shown me that none of these other guys are the ones for me. They dont get me excited, make me want to look good, make me stumble over my words a bit..... no one has made me feel like that in ages. No guys even seem to try anymore. I know having butterflies is for kids or having a man really be into your is maybe unrealistic but I really really want to experience that again. With an available man. No man has tried to woo me in a long time and just mesh with me so well in ages. Is it ridiculous to want that again? Am I acting like a naive kid? I dont know.

I dont know about much anymore. Man, Im in such a weird place

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I dont think that is naive or ridiculous G. I had the same question TBH. Ive been on a ton of first dates and have not been excited about seeing anyone a second time. Not even sure how Jack and I ended up dating because I wasnt particularly excited about him either...he just wasnt a hard no like the others have been. Facebook guy was the other one who wasnt a hard no but now that I saw him again a month ago, I know for sure he is only meant to be a friend. Now I have TDH who I am excited about and who does make my heart skip a beat. Of course I havent met him in person but if he is only 50% as handsome IRL as he is in his pictures, I am probably a goner. Anyway...excitement for a potential BF is a must for me...it doesnt have to be over the top, crazy but there just has to be some kind of a spark. If I dont have that, what would be the point of dating someone? I know you are going through a hard time right now but I encourage you not to give up and think about settling.

RE: your coworker. This is dangerous territory. Not because I think you would have an affair but because it could lead you down a path of unrequited love that could set you back. IDK Ginger. The more posts I read of yours, the more concerned I get about you because I feel like you are focusing on the wrong things and it is just getting you in more of a funk. Maybe it is time to see an IC for a bit to help you sort some of these things out? Just an idea. Hang in there. (((HUGS)))


Me 53
H 48
B/G Twins 13
SD 21
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

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God - I guess its not just me that Covid is bringing out dads doing a bit more parenting cause they dont have to go to work - and then the kids are left confused. Ginger - word for word what is happening with my son. Ex spent more time with him while I worked and now son is crying About wanting more time with his dad. Son Is older and easier now, ex has all these friends with kids and is suddenly waking up early and doing fun things with my son and new gf.... I gave up a lot of money in retirement to watch my son when he was younger. So this is tough watching. But Im also glad for the help and that son gets more dad time. But worried too.

Im banking on people dont change. My Ex wont wake up early with new girl forever. Maybe another year. And M. Is gonna continue to avoid intimacy by doing chores for whoever he ends up with. its not gonna be easy for M. He was so lucky you gave him a chance and You are so lucky to be rid of him. Hes an avoidant incapable of love and a lot like my ex. I hate hearing you remiss about him because he Just is so unworthy of you. Seriously.


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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I dont know about much anymore. Man, Im in such a weird place

I've been there. In fact, I've been through much of what you are reporting. In fact, I've talked about it here for a long time. It took years for me to figure out and come to my conclusion. While it started about 5 years in life after where you currently are, you seem to now be experiencing much of what I have. It can make you crazy. That's why I had to adjust me. Can't change what is, all I could do is accept it and try to deal as best I could. I've said much of this here before over the years. Many refute some of my points. Yet here we are.

- OLD is the Land of Misfit Toys. It just is. You have seen this yourself over and over now. And now, like me, you are seeing the same people start to pop back up. It's like a revolving door. Never any absolutes. There are some quality people on OLD, it's not all misfits. But the quality people either find someone and move on or discover it's the land of misfit toys, quickly see it's not for them and they get away and never return.

- The quality people are taken. Like the married guy you just talked about. Same thing happens to me all the time. The people not attached are often not attached for a reason, have tried OLD for years, went through many guys, or not dated at all. Many are happily married and have been for a long time. I talked about a woman I met early this year right before the world turned upside down. I'd date her in a minute. She's married, happily for coming up on 25 years.

- the older people get, the less they want the full R that you do. Seems like this is more a guy thing than women but I totally see it and am living it. It would be nice to get "the fairytale" but it's often not realistic.

I don't have the answer. I do know M is not it and never was. At least knowing what doesn't work is a step in the right direction. There are good guys out there. They are just way harder to find than years ago - for all of the reasons I just listed. Those who remain, are out on the market for a reason. I know you feel that OLD is your only option. But is it? And is it really a good option if even the only option? Yeah, it's better than nothing I guess. But I think you want better than nothing. OLD is full of guys like M.

As to your ex and D. Wow, I've seen this too over and over and over. I lived it with my ex W and step kids. Same deal, if it was easy for him, he did it. He'd often pick them up late on Friday and drop them off early Sunday - well before the 6 PM time. He had Thursdays as well but skipped them 90% of the time. Right up until the kids got bigger. And when the oldest got her drivers license - it was a full court press to get them half time (likely so he didn't have to pay child support). I see the same thing with friends. It's worse when the mother is really a quality person and cares mostly about her kids. She puts herself last and puts the kids first while dad puts himself first and takes advantage of it all. The more she does, the more she sacrifices, the less he has to. If she doesn't give in, yes the child may suffer. It's a terrible place to be. You are doing right by D but yes it's at your sacrifice. Again, not fair.

As for talking with D about it. I too think it's good that you did - in the way you did. If only you could impart the wisdom to the rest of the world how important it is to chose the right guy. All of this gets avoided if the right partner is chosen. Sadly, in our 20s we often don't chose well. Some get pregnant and think it's best to get married and try to make it work. (My ex did this). Knowing what you know now, you'd never pick a guy like ex H - at least I sure hope that's the case. You can't teach the world about this but you can teach your D. She should learn how important the decision off a life partner is because unless there are no children, it really is for life. D doesn't end it. I certainly would not bad mouth or certainly not alienate but simple truths she likely is going to figure out sooner or later on her own. A good R with her dad really is best for her - and you know that. That's why even though it hurts you, you are doing what is best for D. That's what makes you a great mom.

I don't know what's best for you. For me I had to step away. I've met more quality people off-line. Yes there are less to chose from. But they can't near as easily hide who they are. It's not as much of a game. It's less pain for me. As a whole I feel much better about life and about myself. And all that is going on in the world does not help. I'm more than frustrated enough with all of that - I don't need the added frustration of dating strangers. But again, that works for me. It may not for you. I'm just more worried about you finding someone as I think the place you are in right now would make you too susceptible to accepting another M. I really fear you are in a "better than nothing" space. It might bring you some short-term happiness, but long-term it's not likely to.

We can't stay stuck in this bad cycle forever. Just ride it out for awhile. Bubble is not the answer.


DonH
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Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
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Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
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I have to say that I second Don's very last statement....Bumble is not the answer. Go with me here for a sec, G. First of all, as Sparky and I are fond of saying in our house, you are a grown a$$ woman, so I'm not trying to tell you what is best for you or what you need or anything, but what if getting on those dating apps like Bumble is actually adding to your recent negative space you have been in. I'm not even suggesting that it is a conscious thing on your part, but maybe it is just tough to see those same old recycled people (like M) and know that you deserve better then you kind of get drug down into a more negative place. You are this amazing, attractive, independent, strong woman with SO much to offer a man. Let's face it, though, most (certainly not all since I actually found Sparky OLD) men on OLD are probably not the cream of the crop, but YOU are. Sure, with the global pandemic and this whole d@mn world being crazy right now, meeting people organically is tough, but I really think that is your best bet because you would shine in that arena. Your true self would come through and it would be hard for guys to not be drawn to you. On the computer, it is hard to tell what is genuine and what is for show, if that makes sense and I'm not saying you are doing anything for show, but you know men do it, so one would assume that men assume women do it too. Does that even make sense? I'm trying to be helpful here! LOL

((((((((((((((((((G)))))))))))))))))))))) Girl, just go do you and have fun and treat yourself to something nice. I don't know how you feel about westerns and cowboys, but I have discovered the show "Yellowstone" and, girl, if I was single, I would spend ALL my spare time fantasizing about the lead ranch hand, Rip.....mmmmmmmmmmm. May not be your thing, but if it is, give it a try, because girl, that man (not sure of the actor's name) fills out a pair of Wranglers in ALL the right places And, Kevin Costner as a cowboy is a magical thing! Sorry if that is TMI, but you get my point, hopefully so that I don't sound like a crazy loon. Just focus on things that make you feel good and happy and put a smile on your face and try to not worry about the rest. Find some mindless entertainment and lose yourself for a bit. The world will still be here when you get finished.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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