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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2899025#Post2899025


Originally Posted by CWarrior
If you're accepting less than 50% custody--why?! Talk to an attorney to fix that pronto.

She took the kids. What day do you get them back? Your parental rights aren't to see/visit your kids they are to have 50% custody of your kids unless you're unfit for some reason.

I hope you do whatever is necessary to be an equal parent in your kids' life. Don't be that nice guy who gets talked into every other weekend and a Wednesday overnight and then regrets it.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2899388#Post2899388


Originally Posted by Steve85
We are well over 2 years into this Ring and piecing, I am questioning if I made the right choice again. Can't really put my finger on it, there have been no specific incidents or problems, just a general feeling of malaise and unhappiness.

My W and I also are getting along well. We are better than we have been in all of our marriage. We are team, we recently got new furniture for the house (after old house finally sold a few months ago!), and we've been working well together on other things that relate to the house, etc.

But as I've said before, Ring and piecing is difficult. I think it is even more difficult than Ding. Ding is like ripping off a bandaid. It hurts but then the healing begins. Ring and piecing is like putting on a bandaid, ripping it off, over and over and over again. It is work. And it is hard, arduous, difficult work that requires you to be ON all the time. There is a lot of "waiting for the other shoe to drop" on both sides. The WAS keeps looking at the LBS wondering if one slip up is the start of the old behaviors returning. And there is obvious trust issues going the other way from the LBS to WAS. After 2 years and 3 months of official RIng and piecing I can honestly say that it is still a work in progress. And I am beginning to believe that it will be for the rest of our lives together.

So if you are in a position as a LBS, where you get a choice to walk away yourself, or move to Ring and piecing, consider carefully what you want. Because if you think "oh we work through this and things go back to normal in a few weeks or months or years", think again. I know the phrase "new normal" is way over used in this current COVID world, but your MR will never go back to a previous normal, ever again.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2899503#Post2899503


Originally Posted by LH19


SUCESSFUL RECONCILIATION MUSTS
1) She sees you as someone of extremely high value
2) She views a relationship with you as something much better than a life with someone else or a life alone
3) She's willing to work to win you

Without those three things, she's going to walk again down the line, because she really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2899504#Post2899504

Originally Posted by Steve85
The one you are talking about from last year was more of "liking the attention". She had no problem ending it, gave me full transparency, and was very remorseful and even grovelled. That is why I "glossed over it", because she did all the work in that one. I simply stated, "I refuse to be involved in having to constantly check up on you". It was amazing the difference in how I approached it and in turn how she approached it. I know it may have looked like I "glossed over it" but that was not the case. My detachment took over. I was never sad, angry, or emotional in any way. I simple drew a line in the sand and said "either you are in or out", and she fell over herself to prove to me she was in. And her behavior has been consistent since then.


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Original post

Originally Posted by LH19

So in ten months you’ve tried everything you can think of and nothing worked. I’m pretty sure that you have read on this board it’s a marathon and not a sprint. 10 months is like an hour in WW land.

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Originally Posted by sandi2
If I had the power to get two messages across to LBH's, it would be the fact that he can't talk her back into his arms, and he can't nice her out of her wayward mindset. The most effective thing he can do, is to let her go.........and do it quickly & firmly, without giving any opportunities for her to "meet up with him to talk". I'm not saying you have to file for divorce, if you don't want it. I'm not saying you have to stop loving her. At this point in the sitch, talks don't solve the problems. In fact, most H's do more damage when they try to have a talk with his WW


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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If I had the power to get two messages across to LBH's, it would be read every post Sandi2 has written, and apply her words of wisdom to your sitch.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2900658#Post2900658

Originally Posted by BluWave
For anyone that is entering this stage (piecing) and didn’t know this thread exists.

One year since I have posted here. I just reread my last post for June 2019 and want to thank myself for that. Haha.

5 years and a few months plus of piecing for me now. Does the action of piecing come to an end at which point the M has successfully been pieced back together? Does completion ever happen?

I’m going to think on this. I don’t know. On the one hand, the relationship always needs to be worked on and nurtured to keep moving forward. On the other hand, piecing also includes repairing the damage and working through past mistakes. How long do we need to talk about that and when can we put it to rest for good?

Blu


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2900955#Post2900955

Originally Posted by BL42
The hardest part of this for me is losing the dream of a intact family unit, especially with my kids being so young, but to your point I need to accept I have no say in the matter.

Originally Posted by Steve85


I think this is a good time to share with you one of my favorite quotes:

-Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it.-

Your kids are going to be fine as long as you are their rock. Be the best father that you can be despite how flaky their mother becomes. Resolve to react to this crappy turn in your life by continuing to be the best father to your kids.

You cannot control her or what she does, but you have full control of yourself.


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2901240#Post2901240

Originally Posted by WMWB
I think if the OM was not involved at least I could be clear in my own thoughts that perhaps her judgment and or her feelings towards me were not being clouded by the highs of this new "relationship".
Originally Posted by LH19


Realistically someone having an affair like this is usually a "last straw" versus a spur of the moment decision. In most relationships needs don't get met, resentments build up, and just pile up over time. When you're living in the same space there's a lot of motivation to compromise and keep the peace, but usually under the surface there's stuff brewing that isn't getting discussed, usually because both people convince themselves that it's just a temporary issue and will go away on its own.

I read somewhere that for people in a relationship to characterize it as "happy", positive interactions need to outweigh negative ones by a ratio of 7:1. For every one time you come away from an exchange annoyed, you have to come away from seven others feeling good. That's a pretty difficult thing to achieve for most people. If you're shy of that, the resentment snowball is growing.

An affair is escapism for sure, and its usually the result of a chance opportunity, or a thousand micro-escalations that happened without any forethought. What it's really a symptom of, however, is conflict avoidance.

For a relationship to be successful both people need to be willing to blow it up on occasion, argue it out and be prepared to walk if a compromise can't be reached. That takes a lot of strength and self-confidence. For more often people stuff it down and pave over it and eventually you're sitting on a volcano that's ready to blow.

Point is, regardless of the affair one or both of you weren't happy. Usually its just a matter of timing in terms of who pulls the rip cord first.

That's why it's now important to separate the desire for the person, from the desire for resumption of control, stability, and positive validation. Your brain is telling you that getting W back will restore these things, but it won't.

So ask yourself, what do you want and why do you want it?



"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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