I hope you're okay and keep reminding yourself that you're stronger than you know. Think back on some tough times and remember that you made it through those times and you overcame them, you can make it through this too.
Spent part of last weekend working on our financial statement. H texted last week if I had heard from my atty and then requested to see what I had so far. I emailed it late Sunday night (H works nights).
He texted early the next morning but I was asleep. 30min later he called. I was in bed and had a huge dialogue in my head of answer... don't answer... and i went with the former.
I answered "hello" and he curtly said "YES"... in my head I'm thinking DUDE you called me don't act annoyed with me... instead took the high road and just made a point of saying "hello" again... he responded better in kind.
He started off by asking did I have the numbers for one of the vehicles reversed. I said I did not but I was also surprised that we were so underwater on that vehicle. I went on to say that that would be on me as I was the one pushing for this vehicle - probably didn't look into it as much I should have *** this is a big deal because when it came to his truck we both looked online... then I picked out 3 that fit our budget and seemed to be a good deal and let him go alone to test drive and buy the one he wanted. That seemed to result in resentment over a few years that showed him I was controlling. *** So, I wanted to take responsibility that I picked out this car but he and I went to test drive and we left with the car. BONUS is ---- he wouldn't let me take the fall. He started saying it wasn't my fault and the car should have held its value and that the used car market is flooded right now. WOW... wasn't expecting that response.
He then asked about where I got his monthly salary from and I stated from his W2's last year and did the same with mine (we both make a base salary but constantly double that yearly. He stated he is not making anywhere near that this year and I agreed but stated this financial statement is not based on our current life but life before he left. He seemed to accept that.
Here is where I tried to say - well, is that all you needed?... hey, I need to get to work.... but he went right on to ask about our timeshare and I told him I still needed to make a phone call and if I got a lunch break today I would try calling them and forward the information.
Somehow we are still talking and for some reason I asked if he had spoken to his daughter recently. He said no... hasn't seen or spoken to her but that he had seen his son yesterday. I just asked how he was - he responded he was good and then my H stated something about a sugar rush yesterday. That confused me so I asked to clarify "sugar rush"? He then went on to state he had too many deserts at his family reunion yesterday... I just said "oh". He went on to talk about some decisions his son was making and I just listened. Only asked questions if it seemed appropriate to what he was talking.
I mentioned that S19 and his cousin would be living in the same dorm. H started asking all kinds of questions about my nephew in regards to his major, etc. Discussed that the kids had to take a COVID test, etc. Then H started talking about the requirements of the university in my town.... I just listened... why would H know of the requirements for this university??? Because OW's daughter goes there and he made sure to put on the Google calendar he is helping her move in... BUT, I kept quiet and just listened.
I could tell he was home and could hear our puppy... so I asked how the dog was doing. He updated me with general "he's good" and the latest kennel issues. I let him know I spoke to the breeder last week and got updates on his litter mates as one of the females is a phenomenal dock diver and is already doing 16ft jumps which is not typical of a dog under a year of age... Seemed consistent with the strength this puppy is showing... H seemed to check on that...
I knew I should have ended the call for a second time but H beat me too it stating "hey gotta go walk the dog"... so I said "yeah I've got to get to work".
It was over a 40min call....
CRAP.... what am I doing???
I hate this. I hate him.
This is 100% on me. He is being extremely chatty but not one question about me... even "how's work" or even about the kid he helped raise for 10yr... NOTHING. WHY? Because he doesn't care. He is checked out. He only contacted because he thought I was over representing his income on legal forms....
I'm having lunch with my SS20 tomorrow. I was hoping to see SD19 but she is pretty much a recluse these days. S19 is leaving for college soon and I know he would like to see them both. Of course the one person that won't be mentioned during the entire visit will be my H. I just miss my family.
Focusing on getting things prepped for college for S19. Nearly done in the attic. Trying my best to keep trudging forward and to stop this backward movement.
First 2x4. Decided to answer. WHY? Will you ever go no contact? Nothing said on this call advanced your situation. Didn't really set it back except for once again resetting the clock.
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but he went right on to ask about our timeshare and I told him I still needed to make a phone call and if I got a lunch break today I would try calling them and forward the information.
WHAT? IN? THE? HECK?
Everything I've read from you the time-share was his baby. So why are you the once calling and getting information!?!?
Him:What about the timeshare? You: I will leave it to you to get the information about the timeshare. Him: Whine, moan, complain. You: Yes, I can see getting the information is not convenient for you. Him: More whine, moan, and complain. You: Just send it over when you get it. I have go get ready for work. Bye. -click-
KC, I've said it before, I'll say it again. Enough time has past that you should be handling all of this much better. You are an intelligent, wise woman. The only reason you are not getting this is because you don't want to. You still think you can nice him back. You still go up when he is nice, and down when he is less than nice. " in my head I'm thinking DUDE you called me don't act annoyed with me" WHO GIVES A FLIP?
He is a lying cheater, and yet you worry about whether he is annoyed with you or not. It makes me sad that you still allow yourself to react to his moods. He doesn't deserve that from you. He doesn't even deserve you taking his call.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
First 2x4. Decided to answer. WHY? Will you ever go no contact? Nothing said on this call advanced your situation. Didn't really set it back except for once again resetting the clock.
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but he went right on to ask about our timeshare and I told him I still needed to make a phone call and if I got a lunch break today I would try calling them and forward the information.
WHAT? IN? THE? HECK?
Everything I've read from you the time-share was his baby. So why are you the once calling and getting information!?!?
Him:What about the timeshare? You: I will leave it to you to get the information about the timeshare. Him: Whine, moan, complain. You: Yes, I can see getting the information is not convenient for you. Him: More whine, moan, and complain. You: Just send it over when you get it. I have go get ready for work. Bye. -click-
KC, I've said it before, I'll say it again. Enough time has past that you should be handling all of this much better. You are an intelligent, wise woman. The only reason you are not getting this is because you don't want to. You still think you can nice him back. You still go up when he is nice, and down when he is less than nice. " in my head I'm thinking DUDE you called me don't act annoyed with me" WHO GIVES A FLIP?
He is a lying cheater, and yet you worry about whether he is annoyed with you or not. It makes me sad that you still allow yourself to react to his moods. He doesn't deserve that from you. He doesn't even deserve you taking his call.
I agree... I do... but I'm supposed to be getting the paperwork for our financial settlement in order and that requires some contact and sharing information.
BUT - I get what you are saying... totally.
I even went so far as to state "I need to know what you spend every month on the boat, motorcycle and truck insurance" --- Required on the legal docs from atty.
I said "I think its X/6mo on truck, X/yr on bike, X/yr on boat". He said "yes that sounds about right" [yes, I paid all the bills so I have an idea of what these were]
HERE IS WHERE SOMEONE NEEDS TO SLAP ME SILLY "the bike and boat yearly payments would have been due last month.. you did get that taken care of didn't you"
^^^HOLY COW, the minute I said it I just wanted to take it back. Why, am I taking care of this man still??? Of course he figured out how it was due though he can't manage to pay for the whole year at once and told me he was doing it quarterly... YES, I face palmed myself. Its none of my business if he can manage his own stupid affairs.
As for the timeshare --- YES, he is to pay it off but I will retain 100% ownership... so it is information I needed to access. Not trying to make excuses.
If he doesn't have atty and we are working through financials how do I not take a call? or a text? or an email? There has to be some contact but I am 100% at fault that I did not cut off the call and it got personal and chatty. That is 100% on me.
Honestly I think you are crossing over into officially being friend zoned. And what [censored] is that you are communicating to your your H (whether you know it or not) that you approve of being friend zoned and you are ok with being cheated on because you continue to try to nice him back, like Steve said. Now you are making phone calls for him, that he could be doing himself?
A strong attractive woman would tell him to go fly a kite (I realize you might not feel strong, but you have to act "as if" just like it says in Divorce Busting.)
I hate to say it but, every one of these interactions lessens your H's attraction for you as a wife. If you continue what you're doing, I honestly don't see any hope for you at all in regards to reconciliation. Just my .02
Many of us have divorce settlements—involving kids and homes and other assets. We know how little communication is actually needed, and that it typically looks nothing like this-/
Originally Posted by KitCat
I said I did not but I was also surprised that we were so underwater on that vehicle. I went on to say that that would be on me as I was the one pushing for this vehicle - probably didn't look into it as much I should have *** this is a big deal because when it came to his truck we both looked online... then I picked out 3 that fit our budget and seemed to be a good deal and let him go alone to test drive and buy the one he wanted. That seemed to result in resentment over a few years that showed him I was controlling. *** So, I wanted to take responsibility that I picked out this car but he and I went to test drive and we left with the car. BONUS is ---- he wouldn't let me take the fall. He started saying it wasn't my fault and the car should have held its value and that the used car market is flooded right now. WOW... wasn't expecting that response.
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“No” “No, I’ll try to have it by Friday” “No, first I need you to send your form 5040”
We recommended you stick to written communication w/ 2hr+ delays, both for documentation, and because when you chat live, you seem to veer off business topics and delve into personal topics. This is hard. Just suggestions to make it easier.
