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A Message from Michele
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Re: I Will Survive! [Re: kml] #2903433
09/09/20 08:29 PM
09/09/20 08:29 PM
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Dawn70 Online
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I agree! My daughters were all adults when Sparky and I started dating, as were both of his daughters. I met his youngest daughter around the 6 month mark, he met my middle daughter around the 8th month and then my other 2 after that. I still haven't met his other daughter (and that is a long, drawn out story unto itself), but even when they are adults, kids can still be affected. In some cases, I might even argue adult kids may be more sensitive to the whole thing because they are more aware of how relationships wax and wane and know there are real possibilities that this might not last, if that makes sense.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: I Will Survive! [Re: kml] #2903463
09/10/20 12:26 AM
09/10/20 12:26 AM
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Posts: 16,220
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kml Offline OP
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On another note - a wise quote from Nina Simone:
"You've got to learn to leave the table when love is no longer being served."

I love that!

Re: I Will Survive! [Re: kml] #2903472
09/10/20 01:13 AM
09/10/20 01:13 AM
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Iíve introduced my daughter to 3 guys in nearly 14 years. One 5 months in. One a few weeks in, but she had met him prior to us dating. And M I made sure to do everything right. 6 months in , gradual meeting. Making sure we both believed this was going to be a long term relationship. Only for 6 months later for him to break up with me. After telling me how much he loved me, how his mother loved me and my daughter, after his son thinking I was going to be his bonus mom.

So you never really know. I will day at 13, Iím not as strict. Sheís very into her own life. Meeting before I went out on a date is fine. But involving in the family life, I am hesitant . All kids are different, that is true. Some donít get attached. Some do. And my D doesnít get too attached. But she does hate when I hurt. When M and I broke up, her tears were actually for me and his son. It made her sad how much his son loved me and couldnít see me anymore. She knew how much I loved him and she thought he was very in love with me. That was hard on her.

I guess there is a different right for everyone. Itís hard to even determine whatís right for me anymore. Honestly, I do try to hold it off as long as I could, even if it makes dating more difficult

Re: I Will Survive! [Re: kml] #2903805
09/15/20 12:47 AM
09/15/20 12:47 AM
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kml Offline OP
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Well my sister in Oregon had to evacuate a few days ago to our brother's house (with her 6 cats and a dog!) and my brother's dog had to go to surgery the same day after swallowing a rock that got stuck in his intestines (now my brother has to remove a whole back yard of nice river rock landscaping).

Meanwhile my niece near LA can see the fires there from her house (she's just one block away from the mandatory evacuation zone) and she might have to come down and stay with me if the wind shifts.

Little dust up with CMM this weekend over his repair skills. Honestly, he says he's done these kinds of things before - and as a long time homeowner I'm sure he has done some. but I'm not really confident in his abilities and this weekend did not make me more confident.

Background - while I'm not exactly Ms. Fixit myself, I am really good at following instructions (IKEA expert level) and I have good analytical and three dimensional skills. I also remodeled a couple of houses with my ex who grew up in a construction family (his father owned a home building company).So I have some knowledge and skills.

I have a drawer in my kitchen that needs repairing (new slides, old ones came off the back of the cabinet). It's a job that requires some precision and the temporary fix that was done before on it has failed because it was done haphazardly by previous boyfriend. I attempted to point out some things (like the need to ensure the slides were properly spaced at a right angle instead of "eyeballed" or the drawer would stick) and he gets all flustered because he's got his own way of thinking about things and I'm throwing him off by mentioning this. He's not a great communicator anyway, slow and has his own way of inflexible thinking and doesn't grasp what I'm saying well (some of this may be chemo brain). Later when I attempted to tell him something else he stopped in a snit and left the job to me and my son - which is a good thing because it turns out he WAS using the wrong screws as I'd been attempting to tell him (and it was very important to use the right flat head screws to attach tje slides to the drawer because the round heads would prevent the drawer from sliding). Now the job is unfinished because, although son and I successfully attached the slides to the drawers, there is still a problem with attachment to the back of the cupboard that I have to solve (but have a good idea how to solve it).

I'm mad because I wanted to hire someone to do this job, as I knew it was problematic and wanted someone with all the tools and skills to do it right. CMM insisted he could do it, and now here I am stuck in the middle of finishing it myself when that is precisely what I didn't want to do! What is it with guys egos that they can't stand a woman offering them (very) helpful advice on a project when she can see they are making a mistake? Grrrrrrr. (And no, I'm not some impolite harridan screeching at him, just very calmly saying thing like - "wait - we need a t-square and careful measurements because if the slides aren't perfectly square the drawer will stick" or "No - you needed the longer screws for the back of the cabinet, NOT for attaching the slide to the drawer".

Well - at least the dishwasher installation guy turned out to be a CHAMP ( it was difficult to do because the space was smaller than normal because of flooring that the previous owner installed, I though we might have to chip out some tile but he managed to get it in). Fortunately he also does side jobs and I will definitely be hiring him for some minor plumbing things (like faucet replacements).

Re: I Will Survive! [Re: kml] #2903806
09/15/20 12:56 AM
09/15/20 12:56 AM
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kml Offline OP
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(It does, btw, remind me that this was another good thing in my marriage - ex and I could work on projects together without any of this type of nonsense and with the ability to communicate well with each other. Of course he had more construction skills - although not quite as much knowledge as he liked to think - and I could point out something like the screw problem and he would understand right away what I was saying and why it mattered. While currently I mostly remember the bad in my marriage, it's good to be reminded that we were a good match in many ways - I wasn't completely stupid for choosing him.)

Re: I Will Survive! [Re: kml] #2903831
09/15/20 11:40 AM
09/15/20 11:40 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,364
Canada
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Seems to be the week for some of us to see things rose coloured. Must be the particulate from the US West coast fires wink

Even though there are a lot of similarities between the various stories, I think many of us who had long term marriages can look back with few regrets. But we also have firmly embedded ways of communicating and expectations. What one partner would accept as constructive criticism, another treats as disrespect and meddling.

My ex and I could rarely work on projects together. I am a very patient and methodical person and - well - she wasn't. Each doing the things we were good at worked well. I'd putter around the house fixing things and she'd sit on the couch eating potato chips. She was very good at that. Unlike S, there were rarely part bags left behind.

I can imagine CMM wanting to contribute in a "manly" way and feeling "less than" when you contributed your input which may have sounded like a lack of faith in his abilities. I don't know him at all, but I would imagine that some sort of "win" on something that he truly is good at would perhaps be called for. As I recall it, he came from a fairly abusive relationship so his ego has undoubtedly taken quite a beating.

You and I have a tough road in front of us. Especially when our expectations, as set by former partners, aren't relevant.

((kml))

Stay safe - I presume the fires aren't anywhere close to you?


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: I Will Survive! [Re: kml] #2903841
09/15/20 01:51 PM
09/15/20 01:51 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
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kml Offline OP
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There is a fire in my county but itís at the far end of the county opposite me. We have some fine ash on our cars and the sun is very red at sunset but we donít smell smoke, we have seen a little smoky haze in the sky. Probably the best air quality in the state right now though so weíre lucky here.

Re: I Will Survive! [Re: kml] #2903849
09/15/20 04:43 PM
09/15/20 04:43 PM
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(best air quality in the state = Air Quality index of 101. still considered unhealthy, but nothing like other parts of the state and PNW)

Re: I Will Survive! [Re: kml] #2903873
09/15/20 08:13 PM
09/15/20 08:13 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,661
Southern Maryland
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Keeping everyone in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care and I hope all of your family will be safe.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: I Will Survive! [Re: kml] #2904138
09/18/20 06:30 PM
09/18/20 06:30 PM
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kml Offline OP
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So far everyone in my family is still safe from the fires, and rain has finally improved the air quality in Portland.

Iíd like to share some important information about Covid . We have had quite a bit of data over the last couple of months showing a strong link between vitamin D deficiency and severity of Covid disease. Now we have a study out of Spain showing cause and effect. Hospitalized Covid patients were given standard treatment with or without the addition of a special form of vitamin D that raises blood levels within a day (taking ordinary vitamin D can take a week to fully convert to active form). The amounts given were not huge - the equivalent of 20,000 IU on day 1, 10,000 IU on day 3 and day 7. (We give 50,000 IU once a week of regular vitamin D all the time for vitamin D deficiency).

The results were striking. Of the patients who received vit D, none died and only 2% (1 patient of the 50) required ICU admission. Of the patients who did not receive vitamin D, half ended up in the ICU and 4% died (2 out of 26). This is huge proof that by just keeping your vitamin D level up in a good range you may be able to stay in the milder range of Covid.

The big experts in the field have talked of making 2,000 IU/d the new RDA. Patients with low vitamin D often need 5,000 IU per day to bring levels up. I usually give vitamin K with bigger doses like this to ensure that any increased calcium absorption is directed to the bones where it belongs. (Note that people on warfarin cannot take vitamin K). Some have recommended 10,000 IU/d for the first month if youíre deficient, to bring levels up faster in this time of Covid.

People with a history of kidney stones, sarcoidosis or high calcium levels from hyperparathyroidism or bony metastases should consult their doctors and may be better getting their vitamin D from sun exposure without sunscreen (only 1/4 -1/2 the amount it would take to start to turn pink, 3 times a week - varies with how dark skinned you are) but this is not possible in the wintertime at higher latitudes like San Francisco.

This is exciting news because it is a huge effect for an easily modifiable risk factor.

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