well, since my furry boy was just racing around the yard, safe to say we've made it through. Chickens hatched jailbreak #8, but work was done today on the coop, their roof is shingled and their window is at least placed in. Needs wood putty and caulk (this isn't going to be a pretty American Carolina Coop but if it works, who cares. THey need to be out of my house will as much speed as possible. My foot is the hold up and it's looking pretty bruised, so I suspect on Monday I'll get more boot time,
I don't think they will contact again, but yeah, not taking chances. I'm not leaving, just not posting my own threads. Too easy to track me down, and he and I were told about this place at the same time, so ... better safe than sorry.
In my case, my exh has sold OW and himself a bill of goods that cannot be believed, and he clings to that narrative like a barnacle. But, that's none of my business. What anyone else thinks of you is none of your business. What do you think of yourself? That's what's important, Cardinal. TY for your prayers, honey and I will keep you and yours in mine. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Wow bttrfly that sounds crazy - but somehow not unexpected that an OW on the other side of the country could be deceived about the real status of your marriage. I hope this allows you to finally let go fully of your ex and realize you deserve so much more. ((((hug))))
Wow bttrfly that sounds crazy - but somehow not unexpected that an OW on the other side of the country could be deceived about the real status of your marriage. I hope this allows you to finally let go fully of your ex and realize you deserve so much more. ((((hug))))
I don't want to hijack Card's thread, but I will say this: it makes me re-think standing. I know that is not a DB friendly response, but in my case, I do believe that mental illness is involved. I can only see this in hindsight, which is even more frightening. How do you tell? How do you tell if your beloved spouse is in MLC, or is mentally ill, or a sociopathic narcissist?
Answers I do not have.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I saw your post on DnJ's thread but didn't want to hijack. I'm sorry you're still in this position, but at least here you're among others who are in a similar boat
I also occasionally wonder about W and why the sudden change happened. Whether it is one thing or something else.
But then I remember it doesn't really matter what "it" is. Knowing the "why" may provide a momentary relief, but it doesn't change the result.
Logic applied to someone who is - at the very least - behaving illogically is a fruitless endeavor.
It has taken me a long time to finally start to understand this. The need to know "why" consumed me for a long time, until one day I woke up and realized how much time and energy I had spent thinking about possible present and past events and scenarios and future outcomes - and how i was no farther ahead.
That was a lot of pointless scrutiny, a lot of days and hours that I will never get back. A light bulb moment - if you will.
Thats when I realized I had to start letting go of everything, including my need to know why, my need to understand, and also my need to feel hurt at what had happened.
Granted these things are all works in progress. Some days I succeed, some days I fail. But thats sort of how life goes too.
I hope you can begin to start finding some peace within. There isn't anything you did or didn't do that could have prevented this from happening. The change isn't inside of you, it is inside of them - it is very important to remember that.
I will say this - now that I understand better, I know that I personally need to heal from the effects of living with a sociopathic narcissist. that's good information to have.
But I also agree with IW - don't over-analyze it. Take care of you, put yourself and your own mental, physical, emotional, spiritual and financial wellbeing first and foremost.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I’m so sorry to hear about the fires and people close to you. This is absolutely terrifying and heartbreaking. I hope everyone, including the animals are ok. Thinking about you.
Your plate is full right now my friend, let yourself off the hook as much as you can, focus on one thing at a time. When big things are happening it’s overwhelming on a good day never mind when we’re up to our eyeballs with a live in stranger in MLC in our face.
This stage (Finding a lawyers and all that mentally comes with that) was awful for me ....so much emotion, confusion and fear. You will be ok!!! I hope the appt goes well.
Big HUGS to you, people are listening and care about YOU.
Card - I finished enough of the coop to put the chicks in. They won't be able to use the run for another day or two, as i'm waiting for the guy to come back and finish the last panel, the door and the roof, but everything else is good enough to go. The clean out door can be added once the run is done and they are ensconced in that. The egg box -- same.
Now to rest then clean my bathroom. Thought you'd like to know. They look very confused, lol.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Now to rest then clean my bathroom. Thought you'd like to know. They look very confused, lol.
Yay--congrats on being so close and finally reclaiming your bathroom! A major accomplishment for sure. I'm sure they'll get the hang of their new digs very soon. How's your foot? Thanks for the update.
My chicken update is that somehow, though farms and houses burned all around, my friend's home and farm were spared and all of their animals are fine. She said when they returned, the chickens looked completely unaware of having had any near brush with death. Seems about right. The fires are still growing all around the state. This has really made me question whether I want to stay here--H was my family, but now all my family lives elsewhere. I do think it's best for my now-necessary career change to stay here long enough to get a new job and a good amount of experience for my resume. That's reason talking--emotion sometimes says get out and away from H.
IW, thanks for stopping by.
Originally Posted by IronWill
Thats when I realized I had to start letting go of everything, including my need to know why, my need to understand, and also my need to feel hurt at what had happened.
Granted these things are all works in progress. Some days I succeed, some days I fail. But thats sort of how life goes too.
I am feeling rather un-evolved in the area of not needing to know why lately, like I've regressed in that and am not doing so well. I keep having dreams in which I'm interacting with old or new H or someone in his family, trying to make sense of things. Thanks for the reminder, IW, that it is a work in progress. All through this process I've struggled from time to time with wanting to be further along than I am, and I should know by now that focusing on where I'm not or what I'm not feeling good about at the moment doesn't help either.
Kindly, you conveyed your process with this so well!
Originally Posted by Kindly
My H was who he was and I loved him...that version of him. Something happened ... he’s changed....he’s not himself now. This new reality, as baffling as it is to us, doesn’t get to change who he was...because I say it doesn’t. Maybe they do have a personality disorder, a mental illness, or anything else we want to transfix on to give us some kind of answer for the current states we find ourselves in.
But you know what? It doesn’t matter.
I’m doing my best this week to stop looking in the rear view mirror. Those moments, days and experiences are done...already lived. And I choose to no longer let this dark MLC cloud hijack or gaslight my past feelings, opinions or reality of what that past was for me and for us as H and wife.
I don't know if I can consciously work to accept these conclusions in my own mind, or if it's another instance of letting go of where I want to be and trusting that acceptance and truly feeling and believing these things you're writing will eventually come.
I guess my focusing on me has to do mostly with L stuff right now, and that just reminds me of how crazy it feels to have ended up here, here being not only with D, but with a D that is so backwards and nonsensical at times because of H.
Still wasn't feeling great about other Ls I talked to, then heard things about one that confirmed my off feeling. I was actually able to find a free consult with a L who volunteers his time at a nonprofit, and I really liked him. He seemed to be less aggressive than the others but aware of what it means to deal with a S who is at times controlling in this process. He also made it a point to listen to questions I had rather than just talking the whole time. He confirmed H still hasn't filed. I haven't gotten any specific recommendations for this L from others in town, but he has good reviews online. Someone was saying to me that maybe it's better to have a L who seems aggressive even if you don't necessarily "like" him or connect with him, but don't I want someone who can help diffuse conflict and not feed it in this situation?
I have one (hopefully last) consult coming up. I seem to come up with a couple of new questions each time and still feel unclear about the way forward. It seems to depend on what moves H makes.
The other thing bothering me is that H and I barely say anything to each other now, since his spew a month ago. I've tried to stay NC other than offering cordial hellos or good mornings, and H has been gone a lot. There hasn't even been a short exchange about the fires. I struggle with feeling like I have failed in one of my goals of staying friendly, in feeling like we are further apart than ever. I realize that it's his decision to spew and belittle me that has contributed to this more than anything I have said or done, but I still have that nagging feeling sometimes like I'm failing to do something or act a certain way, or to act like myself. Maybe it's because I'm just seeing through his warped perspective--that I'm cold and never loved him and, see, now I'm just confirming it.
I'm putting May's comment to Sage here, because I think this applies to how I am feeling in many ways:
Originally Posted by may22
Gently, I wonder... why do you care if deep down he wants to be friends and have an amicable split where you can spend time together as a family? Is this what you want? Especially with someone who is treating you the way he is? Maybe at some point in the future he will be the kind of human being you want to spend time with, again. But it sure doesn't sound like he is that person right now and I am just wondering why you want to subject yourself to it.
It seems to me that going NC/grey rock will not only protect you and give you the space and ability to heal-- and protect your own self-esteem and self-worth-- but also honestly protect the possibility of being friendly in the future. It seems like these toxic interactions could really poison your potential future amicable relationship. Can you move your necessary conversations to email?
From an unbiased perspective, no, H has not been treating me respectfully. NC is a way to protect myself, so why am I still worried about how H might interpret it? I think it is just a way of being that I'm not used to--I'd rather have friendly chit chat than silence. I've never had to be in close quarters with someone who was treating me this way. I've never really been treated the way H has treated me during spew, period. And I think I still confuse remaining compassionate with being overtly friendly. Would I be overly talkative to a cashier who had yelled at me? I would probably avoid their line next time. But I wouldn't go out of my way to be unkind to them. Am I on the right track here?
This is what happens when I can't update regularly. My posts get sooo long.
I have been thinking a lot about you Cardinal and your journey.
I had a fascinating conversation with someone about dharma that really resonated with my process. Dharma is what is so in our lives, whether we like it or not, and our individual dharma is how we contribute and/or react to that which happens to us. Dharma is accepting the matrix that defines us as individuals, without losing our place within the greater social context of humanity. And in its simplest form, dharma is doing the most good with what we have been given, and the least amount of harm.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I struggle with feeling like I have failed in one of my goals of staying friendly, in feeling like we are further apart than ever. I realize that it's his decision to spew and belittle me that has contributed to this more than anything I have said or done, but I still have that nagging feeling sometimes like I'm failing to do something or act a certain way, or to act like myself. Maybe it's because I'm just seeing through his warped perspective--that I'm cold and never loved him and, see, now I'm just confirming it.
I am struggling with the exact same thing you are at the moment. That somehow I am letting myself down by not being the most compassionate, all-accepting, loving human being I can to H, even when he is spewing at me. But in recognizing how one can do the most good with the least amount of harm, one must also integrate the harm you are causing yourself by allowing someone to treat you so poorly. In essence, you can be compassionate and loving, but you might have to reserve some of that for yourself instead of H. In this particular paragraph quoted above, I don't think you are living your dharma by allowing H to warp YOUR perspective on what kind of human you are. You know that you loved him, and were warm and loving in your M. That he doesn't recognize it right now is not your dharma (it will likely play out into his karma, but that's another discussion).
Originally Posted by cardinal
From an unbiased perspective, no, H has not been treating me respectfully. NC is a way to protect myself, so why am I still worried about how H might interpret it? I think it is just a way of being that I'm not used to--I'd rather have friendly chit chat than silence. I've never had to be in close quarters with someone who was treating me this way. I've never really been treated the way H has treated me during spew, period. And I think I still confuse remaining compassionate with being overtly friendly. Would I be overly talkative to a cashier who had yelled at me? I would probably avoid their line next time. But I wouldn't go out of my way to be unkind to them. Am I on the right track here?
Again, I relate to this with my whole being. And I think you are on the right track. I would gently guide you (myself included) to remain compassionate. But compassion is not just something that you give to someone else. Self-compassion is equally important and so necessary to replenish the wellspring of compassion we give to others. In fact, self-compassion is perhaps more important than compassion for others when we are going through such challenging situations.
I am not a buddhist or hindu, so I might have massacred the definitions of dharma and compassion, but this was the lesson I received this week and it has been helping me to understand my own journey.
