DnJ, Kindly, Sage, bttrfly: I am too tired to quote (it's crazy hot here and all energy, physical or mental, has been zapped), but I went back and re-read all of your comments yet again, and I think you for all of your wisdom and encouragement. You all said things I needed to hear (also, bttrfly, "my heart pumps kool-aid"—lol), and I have been able to find some calm at times since my last post, have definitely let go of some of the pressure I was putting on myself. It became clear to me I had responded to H's latest D announcement as if I were dealing with a rational person (let's get going, financial doc expectations, etc.), and as Kindly pointed out, slow, irrational MLC and rational LBS do not mix! Sage, I guess it's still true that the longer this goes on and we don't split expenses, the longer I have to hopefully find another job. I'm pretty mad that Congress couldn't get their act together to pass more aid, so without that, I really can't afford to pay even half of rent without going into small savings I have for L.
Thinking about what I fear and how to rationalize that, what I haven't let go... I still haven't let go of what my M was. I'm still putting energy into trying to understand it and what's happened with H. IC again suggested H is dealing with mental illness of some kind (his mom has a history of depression and anxiety) and that I won't be able to understand his current behavior because it is irrational. And, though of course she can't diagnose him, she did bring up some of his past/present behaviors that are indicative of borderline personality disorder. She said he has no consistent or solid sense of self, that he has likely always only been who I knew him as in the moment. I just felt the floor sort of shift under me when she said that. I've felt a little sick to my stomach ever since. You know how we always talk about MLC aliens--I guess this is underlining the possibility that H really may never come back to who I thought he was, not because of MLC but because he's not able to experience what it feels like to have a solid sense of self. All of this amplified my feelings of living with a doppelganger in a horror movie kind of way.
Our mutual friend had said to me that he may see our shared history in black and white now, as all bad, but that is what always happens when someone decides to D, and that it won't be that way forever. That's the idea behind WAS and MLCer's rewriting of history. But what if bpd means this is the inevitable progression of an R for H, seeing me and the R as bad?
I always tend to read when I don't understand something and want to. So I read more about bpd and H seems to share a lot of characteristics with "quiet" bpd--an aversion to and so suppression of "negative" emotions as a faulty coping mechanism, anger directed inward until over the years it began to be directed outward toward me, a tendency to think of some people as "bad" people. The MLCer does share many of these characteristics too. But I do think some of these were present many years before--especially suppression of anger, sadness, etc. and this tendency for his feelings to equal reality so that arguments would go in circles.
I read an old post where job wrote something like, learned behavior or personality disorder--it's hard to tell sometimes, and people who start with some of these characteristics are more likely to experience a full-blown MLC rather than a life transition.
I know these are more unanswerable questions. I know I need to let go of this need/desire to understand him. It's his journey and I'm on mine. What does it matter, MLC or bpd or some mix? I get that. But I'm not there yet. I still want to understand. It's hard to read about the experiences of people with bpd--it's sad to think that is potentially what H has felt inside for years but not been able to express or understand. And partly it still seems to matter because MLC has more hope attached to it, perhaps, then mental illness or a personality disorder, even though I know that either way it is always up to H to look inside and seek help.
I started out last year wanting to save my M and having a lot of hope for that. Then I really began to accept M was over, and my focus became wanting H to know somehow, deep down, that I loved him, that I had loved him, that I care about him and wish him well. It's hard to accept that because of H's state right now he is convinced that I never loved him.
Did anyone here go through this phase of questioning mental illness/personality disorder/MLC? I've found a few really old threads.
I hope you all are staying cool. Time to check on the chickens...
Did anyone here go through this phase of questioning mental illness/personality disorder/MLC? I've found a few really old threads. .
Have you ever read my story?
I thought it was MLC.
Now I think that MLC made it impossible for him to do battle with his mental illness anymore -- borderline, NPD, some kinda cluster disorder. Looking back, I see that I ignored a lot. He changed, but maybe not as much as I thought. I can tell you some good titles to read. My advice is -- assume he has a personality disorder and set up a new life for yourself. It will help you GAL. You can keep a corner of your heart open to reconciliation. I am the Queen B of standing for marriage, I really believe in it. But I think the only way to do it is to make a life for yourself without the one you are standing for. I think it's the only way to heal, and your healing will be necessary for a restored marriage or for a life without H.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Queen B—yes, of course, I do remember you writing about this recently as you were thinking back over your M. I have read your threads piecemeal, but not from beginning to present yet. I’m sure I would find much to empathize and identify with there. I downloaded the book Splitting by Eddy and Kreger but have just not been in the mood to read it when I have so many other library books I need to get to (a new story collection sounds much more pleasurable!). There’s something about reading it that feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy right now. Maybe what’s eating at me is that I could be standing for a version of H that can’t exist again because it’s not a point H could return to? Or a version that didn’t exist even then in the way I thought it did? If indeed his identity is so slippery. I do accept and am on the path to making a life for myself without H. So much of this sifting and questioning is just part of grief, I suppose, and wishing I had something to quiet the grief, like a stable story of H to tuck away in my memory.
So much of this sifting and questioning is just part of grief, I suppose, and wishing I had something to quiet the grief, like a stable story of H to tuck away in my memory.
Hi Cardinal, thanks for exploring this I am again right beside you. I’ve spent so much time, so many different angles looking for that elusive answer to “why”. What happened to cause this.
Then it hit me. It doesn’t matter.
My H was who he was and I loved him...that version of him. Something happened ... he’s changed....he’s not himself now. This new reality, as baffling as it is to us, doesn’t get to change who he was...because I say it doesn’t. Maybe they do have a personality disorder, a mental illness, or anything else we want to transfix on to give us some kind of answer for the current states we find ourselves in.
But you know what? It doesn’t matter.
I’m doing my best this week to stop looking in the rear view mirror. Those moments, days and experiences are done...already lived. And I choose to no longer let this dark MLC cloud hijack or gaslight my past feelings, opinions or reality of what that past was for me and for us as H and wife.
I went through months and months of feeling like my whole life and marriage was a farce and fake ....what does that do for me? Nobody really has the answer to that and there’s nothing to be done about it anyway even if it was the case.
I know you’re not there yet, and you want understanding. Just refocus the understanding to you and not H.
Your peace is coming and I feel all kinds of wonderful things for you. I saw two rainbows last week and they made me so happy with the simple things in life. I had a fire, watched the stars and sat in a forest. I’ve grounded myself. You can do this too when you are ready. I’ve learned you can’t force your timeline. It’ll happen when you’re ready and you’ll drop the rope a little more.
I don’t quote on here so I have no idea how to do it-BUT The paragraph about how your H was your H and you loved him...smacks me upside the head. It doesn’t matter why my H is doing this, believe me, I have had counseling trying to determine what trauma he may have experienced that out him on this path. Why? I can’t go back in time and fix it so it doesn’t happen.
I need to remember that it doesn’t matter, it is happening. I’m giving him a wide berth, trying to GAL and stand for him yet move forward for me.
Just now, he came home from work and brought me some face masks he picked up, “hey, you want these masks?” Me “sure, where did you get them? “ H-“I picked them up at the place I go for supplies” why, friends? It doesn’t matter.
I thanked him, then he left to who know where. It doesn’t matter.
I haven't had time to catch up with posts. I will soon. L consult tomorrow--still trying to gather info and find someone who I'd potentially want to hire. Please allow me to ramble: We're at the tail end of a crazy heat wave, and there are fires all over the state. A friend's home and farm may have burned last night--she said she let her donkeys and goat go before they evacuated, but didn't mention anything about their chickens. One of our chickens "retired" there years ago, and I always go to visit her. I hope the animals are okay, I hope their home somehow survived the fire... I've just been broken up about that all day. I shared her update with H via text this morning and mentioned our chicken, but of course he hasn't responded. I'm not surprised, but I've been struggling all day. Before I saw the news about the fire, I woke up and for some reason was thinking about how I used to wake up next to H. Then, looking through phone photos for something I needed, I came across the photo of the letter H had given me in November--I started reading it thinking it was the photo of the apology/love letter he'd written me when we were in college. The similarities... both times he admits running away from things and shutting down. In the first one, though, he says he misses me and the happiness we had (I'd broken up with him months earlier). In the second one from last year, he says all he knows is he can't find the happiness he wants with me, and he is filing for D.
It was weird reading those letters back to back today. He sounded in the second letter like he'd realized some things with his post-BD IC, had examined his life, and was ready to move forward without me, though he was sorry that it had come to this. He sounded like he'd struggled with the decision over the few months after BD, but he was confident and moving forward in order to be happy. He didn't love me anymore. He sounded somewhat rational. But then why did he never file? I know there is no rational answer. Ugh. From where I sit reading both those letters now, he's just as lost now as he was in college. He realized he'd been sad and unhappy for years and hadn't let himself feel those things--it's like, of course, in his mind, our R/M had to go too. He's got to leave behind those sad/unhappy feelings. There was none of the anger in that letter that he's directed at me since.
Kindly, I need to re-read your post. I've been so busy focusing on the classes I'll be teaching that I haven't been looking in the rearview mirror. But I'm just all around sad today, and everything is covered in ash.
Cardinal, I pray you and yours stay safe during the fires. I have dear family who are on evacuation watch.
I asked that all my threads be pulled and won't be posting much here, but will continue to read and follow along, posting from time to time. I've found out that my exh was most assuredly involved with OW while still married to me. Not sure at all how long that went on prior to BD. I also don't think she's been told the truth at all either, which completely unnerves me, so take what I'm saying here and filter it through that lens. Truth is, it's too easy to find me, and she amped it up over the weekend with a direct assault via email. It was revelatory and incredible -- I now think that MLC is the tip of the iceberg in my case. Minimally NPD and sociopathic behavior as well, with a truly sadistic streak. I need to pull back to stay incognito.
Forget the past. Forget the memories you have. You may be the only one keeping them. It's time for you to make new memories and move forward. Make yourself someone he'd be a fool to have left. But do it for you, because in the end, he may not care at all but you'll have a great new life.
I now know my exh was heavily involved w/OW, demanded all kinds of things and got them then started telling me he loved me, and dragged our divorce out six months after I told him to stop saying that unless he wanted to work on the marriage. Why? God alone knows. Why was he so absolutely furious with me when the divorce was finalized? He screamed at me that he never wanted this and don't put it all on him. All the while, they may have even been living together, with her thinking we'd been divorced for God knows how long. He kissed me on at least three separate occasions, including after our court appearance, which we attended hand in hand, with my head on his shoulder and left the same way, hand in hand. He brought me food when I had the flu. But he also shared private emails and phone messages with her and they laughed at me, according to her. None of this makes any logical sense. They are generally not logical. If you're lucky, they won't be as completely b@t$h1t crazy as mine apparently was/is, or as absolutely cruel. My therapist says she's never seen anything to rival the cruelty of this pair in her 20 years of practice. Not a jackpot I wanted to win. And not to say yours is this way, but never forget that people in crisis are in pain. As a result, they don't really care who else is hurting. They can't because there is no space for anyone else in their festering misery. Pray for him and take care of you.
That's the best I have today honey. You will be ok. Allow yourself some grieving time, but don't waste your life wondering about the inner workings of a person in crisis.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
bttrfly, I was frantically searching for your thread and thought I'd lost it--I was hoping for an update on your pup. Is she doing okay this week? I'll be thinking of your family on evacuation watch too. So many people and animals on my mind. Yes, I should add H to that prayer list and just let it all go. I know. Some days are harder than others to still be living with him. I have no doubt it drags my grieving process out.
I'm so sorry to hear that OW is now emailing you and that exh has won your therapist's award. It sounds like OW might be up for a prize too. I'll miss your threads here but count myself lucky that I have your posts on my threads to go back and read, and will count myself luckier still if you are present here from time to time. Your words have helped me so much, bttrfly. I'll be thinking of you and the guidance you've given me every time I pick up my three-sectioned notebook.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
And not to say yours is this way, but never forget that people in crisis are in pain. As a result, they don't really care who else is hurting. They can't because there is no space for anyone else in their festering misery. Pray for him and take care of you.
I think if his pain didn't go away with that letter, with his decision to D, and if it doesn't go away as long as this D process goes on, he'll see that as my fault. And if the pattern on every single thread here holds, his pain will not go away simply because he's decided to end our M.
Pray for him and take care of me. Pray for him and take care of me.
bttrfly, I'll be praying for you and your son. I hope you'll pop in at some point to update me on the chickens. xoxo
