WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce

[BL42]

I bought a brand new SUV today! It's actually a bit of a 180 for me because I typically have a sedan and them into the ground (bought my previous one slightly used and owned it for 13 years / over 100k miles), but looked at the purchase as a "Treat Yo Self" type of thing and figured a larger/more reliable was better with the kids, considering we're now a one vehicle household. I researched quite a bit, test drove a lot, and in the end fell in love with the one I bought - it's definitely the right choice. I know the enjoyment of new purchases tends to wears off soon, but I'm pretty stoked at the moment and plan to enjoy it! :-)

[BL42]

It's been a relatively good week since my last post. I got to have the kids an extra night and extra two half-days due to my W's work schedule, coached S5's soccer practice then had a steak & wine dinner with a bunch of guys from my former bowling league (I'd quit the team previously to help more at home when D1 arrived), and golfed twice with friends.

This morning was S5's first day of Kindergarten so I decorated the house with signs, balloons, and ribbons in the school's colors, and we had a big pancake breakfast with my parents. He was very excited, so that was cool. Then I walked him to school and (along with my wife) attended K orientation with his teacher. W & I discussed some school matters amicably afterwards. The whole situation is still weird and still stirs up some feelings when we're together during kid transitions and things like soccer/school orientation, but overall doing alright on detachment during the weeks when we're not together.

Looking forward to continuing my full week with S5 & D1...

[Ready2Change]

Sounds like a good week.

[BL42]

Apparently I posted too soon...

My attorney served me divorce papers this evening, filed by W's attorney. It's not like it was a surprise - more a formality (legally required to be done in-person) - but it's still a lousy feeling to receive and reading through the documents. Yes, I realize from reading this forum "it's just paper/legal process", but it still [censored]. Would never have expected 7-8 months being ago in Disney with the kids that our family would be breaking up shortly thereafter.

[Thornton]

Sorry to hear that BL. Logically you know its coming but when you actually see the papers, it can really sting.

But you’re right, this changes nothing in regards to DBing. I actually know a few couples that have divorced and remarried each other, it happens.

Hang in there.

[ovrrnbw]

Sorry to hear about that BL42. I about lost it when I saw my W went to the courthouse. I knew what was coming. But a couple weeks later I found out that she had made copies front and back and they didn't accept them. But I remember the feeling. Just stay in control of your mind. Did you read about the stop sign technique in DR? Best thing I've read. Remember, you really do control your thoughts. You want to be happy? Be positive.

I have "felt" as if I was on the precipice of divorce many times. Eventually I realized I'd be fine and the line I tell myself is that "I create my own juice". By juice I mean energy, mojo, swagger. Keep your head up, keep the smile just barely contained, look at people in the eye and speak confidently.

Glad you found a new car too, that is always fun.

[tom_l]

BL, I just found your post and want to join in. I a recent LBH (left behind husband) and you can find my story, which I started a couple weeks ago, here: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2903973&page=1

Here's my $0.02 after reading your initial post. I believed in the "for better or for worse" part of the marriage vows and would have done most anything to bring my wife back from the brink, were I in your situation. But on the back side of a surprise divorce filing by a WAW 12 months ago, I also believe in the "humpty dumpty" theory, which says that no matter what you do, you can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again, fully and as intact as before.

Your WW now appears to be an addict, an addiction to conflict and irrational behavior at least, and you cannot cure her of her addiction. Only she can. I have three children and they have asked about how to know good and bad signs of potential mates, and I always tell them to watch out for addictions. Whether it's gambling, alcohol, drugs, clothes-buying, or sex, it is fatal to believe the addict when he/she says they will overcome it. You have to assume that, if you marry him/her, you will live with the addiction for 50 years! And it you can't envision doing that, then don't marry.

That's my simple perspective here. Your XW broke the egg, and showed some very destructive tendencies. Especially the hostility and fighting. She is addicted to conflict and is blind to how good a man you are! To me, you are better to be rid of her.

[tom_l]

I think the only way you can truly move on with life is to emotionally drop your WW. As long as you hold tight to that rope you have tied to her.......the harder it's going to be for you to move on and be happy.

Sandi, would you mind joining in on my thread? More than one person has mentioned you. I am a LBH who apparently still doesn't quite "get it" about the DB principles and am slowly coming around, although my dating story at 90 days after BD might make the veterans here crazy. It's all at the link: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2903973&page=1

I'm going to give you the number one thing all successful board members have told us that works! It's up to you to believe it or ignore it. Ready? Getting a life! I mean, really enjoying life!

I'm on the way to that but I could use the mentoring from y'all.

Here's something else I suggest you focus on. Get the book about no more mr. nice guy, and read every bit of it. It's not long. Be open to what it says. Tell us if you see yourself anywhere in the book. I don't want you to think it's not a big deal being a nice guy. Here's the thing, along with the NGS, comes passivity, and a woman can't stand passivity in a man.

This is a little hard for me to understand. I've always viewed my being "Mr Nice Guy" as part of my appeal. I am a sensitive, gentle man, and have been told that "You're the kind of man that all women want." So please help open my eyes here.

Also, I need to know which books to read. I've been told there is a DB and DR book, but I don't know which exact titles they are on Michele's page. Also, is there a separate MNG book, or is it just a chapter in either the DB or DR book?

Thanks!

[BL42]

tom_h,

Thanks for chiming in. I've been following your thread since you first started posting a month ago but haven't had much advice to give yet. Sounds like while you're newer to the board, your situation is much further along than mine. It's really tough with my kids being so young to think about what lies ahead, but on the other hand I can only imagine what it's like to be with someone 32+ years and have it happen (my W & I are together 9, married 7) so from that perspective it's better (relatively).

Here's my $0.02 after reading your initial post. I believed in the "for better or for worse" part of the marriage vows and would have done most anything to bring my wife back from the brink, were I in your situation. But on the back side of a surprise divorce filing by a WAW 12 months ago, I also believe in the "humpty dumpty" theory, which says that no matter what you do, you can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again, fully and as intact as before.

In the first few months I thought I could put Humpty back together again, but at this point I think you're right. As many on this forum say, marriage 1.0 is over, there may be a marriage 2.0...or not, and even 2.0 won't be fully together again.

Your WW now appears to be an addict, an addiction to conflict and irrational behavior at least, and you cannot cure her of her addiction. Only she can. I have three children and they have asked about how to know good and bad signs of potential mates, and I always tell them to watch out for addictions. Whether it's gambling, alcohol, drugs, clothes-buying, or sex, it is fatal to believe the addict when he/she says they will overcome it. You have to assume that, if you marry him/her, you will live with the addiction for 50 years! And it you can't envision doing that, then don't marry.

That's my simple perspective here. Your XW broke the egg, and showed some very destructive tendencies. Especially the hostility and fighting. She is addicted to conflict and is blind to how good a man you are! To me, you are better to be rid of her.

I personally think her family experiences as a teen and family upbringing (both parents married 3 times; mom cheated on dad and married OM) play a big part in this. Even though she swore she didn't want to make the same mistakes as her mom (or half sister), she has...and is now leaning on them for support. Maybe that's a type of addiction you're referring to.

Good luck with your sitch. I'll be reading along.

[BL42]

Thornton & ovrrnbw,

Thanks for the support. It did certainly sting, but that's worn off a bit now. I'll re-read the Stop Sign technique in DR and work on creating my own juice! And I AM enjoying the new vehicle...I'm loving it!