I vividly remember the day my wife unilaterally told my kids during bath time. That was over 10 years ago. My middle child reacted emotionally the most. He is the most mentally healthy of my three children.
Validate your child(ren)'s emotional reactions. Learn to do this well now. The more professional support they have the better they will be.
I learned to channel my anger into productive activities. 95% of the time I use the word "Frustrated" for describing anger. Some people believe anger is not good. After reading many books, my opinion differs. That is why I use a less "scary" word.
Any more advice on detaching? W left a preschool registration document in the mailbox for me to sign with her new address, checked off that we're separated, and asking me to pay for it. Objectively I know that's what's happening, but each time there's a communication like that it hits me hard. I'm doing my best to GAL when I can - met up with some friends last night - but definitely go back and forth between feeling pretty good to getting a shot to the gut.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Detachment is a process. Not a switch you flip. Read Sandi's rules. Realize that your W is gone and an unknown creature with nefarious intentions has replaced her. You get a shot to the gut because you are still in denial. LBSs always think that their WAS will just suddenly snap out of it and when their actions do not align with that they get gut shot. Again.
A piece of paper didn't change anything. She had a new address and you were separated already. Seeing this in writing shouldn't have affected you unless you were still in denial about it. I really do not get how things like a document are worse than the reality. But I hear that all the time from LBSs. "She left me, is sleeping with another guy, and treats me like crap, but when she changed her relationship status on Facebook I couldn't handle it!" Huh? So the cheating and leaving weren't as bad as a checkbox on social media?!?
Your first step towards detachment is understanding your reality. Until you do that then you'll continue to set yourself up for further shots to the gut.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It gets easier BL. Time really does help. Like Steve says...it is a process, not a switch. RE: your kids. I was super worried about mine as well but they are doing great. Would they rather their parents were together? 100%. But kids are amazingly resilient and adaptive if you give them the right environment. Yes, your W should have followed through with what she promised but she didn’t so you just have to move on from it.
The number one thing you HAVE to remember in all this is that your kids will figure out how they are supposed to feel about this by watching you. If they see that you are doing okay and that you are friendly to their mom when you see her, they will be okay.
My kids got 100 times better with the situation when they saw that I was better with it. Unfortunately, they did see me quite emotional in the early days and that made them quite sensitive to my presentation. Even now, if I sniffle, my son is quick to ask if I am okay and accuses me of being sad. I wish they hadn’t seen me so sad in the beginning but it is what it is. Periodically, I make a point of telling them how happy I am now and that I am glad they are getting to spend more time with their dad than they used to.
I get your feelings about seeing things on paper. I had that experience too. Knowing what was happening in my head was much different from seeing it written out on paper. Again...it got a lot easier over time and now I barely think about it. You will get there too if you focus on you and let time do its thing. (((HUGS)))
I'm having a wonderful vacation with the kids in the beach, jumping over waves and digging in the sand with S5 and just being silly with D1. It's been an incredible week so far and I feel so close to them. We're making so good memories. As my sitch developed I was nervous...how was I going to handle two young children at the beach without my W??? I certainly miss our partnership - we were a well oiled machine in terms of wrangling the kids (sunscreen, toys, lunches/snacks), packing up, and getting to the beach - but to be honest it's going fairly smoothly. Now granted I have some family here pitching in and I'm physically exhausted, but we're having so much fun together. I've found doing it my way and simplifying (I.e., bringing less "stuff") has worked just fine and in some respects actually made it easier.
When we return tomorrow evening the kids are going to stay the week in "Mommy's new house" for the first time, so that's gonna be tough - I'm going to miss them. I'm planning to start running/working out each morning before work and try to meet up with friends one or two nights. Other than coordinating the kids video chatting with their mom I've had no contact with W this week, and very little in the week or two prior, so hopefully that's helping with the detachment.
Ready2Change - Thanks for sharing. Infuriating our wives would talk to the children about the sitch without us. Ok, be mad at me (for whatever reason), but don't do something the wrong way impacting the kids.
Steve85 - Thanks for the feedback and advice. I'm working on the process.
DejaVu6 - Appreciate your comments on the kids. They're certainly my #1 concern and will do anything I can to help. They have a great support system, so that'll help them.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Fantastic vacation with the kids - such fun memories and 1-on-1 bonding time with both of them.
However, this evening was rough. I came back to a house devoid of any of my W's things, and worse...for the first time I had to drop them off at "Mommy's new house" and watch as my S5 ran around in excitement showing me his and S1's new bedrooms. I held it together and was strong for the kids, hugging and kissing them goodbye, but broke down as soon as I started driving away. Possibly the worst feeling I've felt felt in my life. To Steve85's point, the cheating and deceive are awful, and objectively I knew I was coming home having to drop them off at mommy's for the first time, but actually doing it was heartbreaking. I broke down in the car on the drive home and sobbed for quite awhile afterwards. I'm going to do everything I can to stay as involved in their lives as possible, but it hurts knowing I'l be missing so many moments.
This week I'm planing to exercise in the mornings before work, meet up with friends Tuesday evening, and have a great dinner night with the kids on Wednesday.
Any suggestions on the grief of handing off the kids and missing through the week, or does it just take time?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I remember my first time too watching as my D5 acted so excited to be staying at her mom’s new place. I was gutted.
All you can do is exactly what you’re doing. Keep it together in front of your kids and let it out when they aren’t around. It will take some time for you to establish a new routine and then it will start to get easier. Nothing but the passage of time will take this sting away.
Definitely stay busy on the days you don’t have your kids.
I broke down in the car on the drive home and sobbed for quite awhile afterwards. I'm going to do everything I can to stay as involved in their lives as possible, but it hurts knowing I'l be missing so many moments.... Any suggestions on the grief of handing off the kids and missing through the week, or does it just take time?
It is perfectly OK to express your emotions like this. Do it in a safe place. Take time to grieve the lose of the relationship. Just not in front of "mommy". I let my kids see me cry on different occasions so they know it is normal. I would put words to the emotions...ie "I am sad".
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Fantastic vacation with the kids - such fun memories and 1-on-1 bonding time with both of them.
However, this evening was rough. I came back to a house devoid of any of my W's things, and worse...for the first time I had to drop them off at "Mommy's new house" and watch as my S5 ran around in excitement showing me his and S1's new bedrooms. I held it together and was strong for the kids, hugging and kissing them goodbye, but broke down as soon as I started driving away. Possibly the worst feeling I've felt felt in my life. To Steve85's point, the cheating and deceive are awful, and objectively I knew I was coming home having to drop them off at mommy's for the first time, but actually doing it was heartbreaking. I broke down in the car on the drive home and sobbed for quite awhile afterwards. I'm going to do everything I can to stay as involved in their lives as possible, but it hurts knowing I'l be missing so many moments.
This week I'm planing to exercise in the mornings before work, meet up with friends Tuesday evening, and have a great dinner night with the kids on Wednesday.
Any suggestions on the grief of handing off the kids and missing through the week, or does it just take time?
BL, while I still maintain having your spouse lie and cheat on you is worse, I never said that moments like this will not hurt. The emotional roller-coaster is real. And you have to ride it.
However, I would also encourage you to get to a place of emotional detachment as quickly as you can. In a year from now, when she comes up pregnant by OM, I would love for you to say "Congratulations!" and mean it and not even bat an eye.
This life is imperfect. You will face adversity. The better you become at adapting and being resilient the better off you will be. Not just in this instance, but in the next one that comes your way.
You got this BL!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thornton - "Gutted" is an apt word. Thanks for sharing your experience and for the encouragement. I did put on a good face for my kids. Fortunately they have a great support system in town. Objectively I recognize it will get better over time, but it's hard to see that in the moment.
Ready2Change - I'm not sure how to balance modeling a positive attitude to my kids vs. showing them some emotions so it's OK to have them. A few weeks back when my son was crying because he missed mommy and she had told him she was moving to a new house I tried to talk to him and cried a little myself saying "it's ok to be sad" and "daddy is sad too", but he's only 5 and I don't know exactly how best to handle the situation for him.
Steve85 - I'm working on the detachment. For the last month or two, and especially since July 5th when I found out my W talked to S5 about the separation/divorce without me, I've done a great job about limiting contact and keeping it to business (kids & finances). Maybe because it's more immediate and things will resurface, but right now I'm missing the kids and loss of nuclear family more so than my W as an individual. I appreciate "You got this BL" words of encouragement. Everyone's responses on the forum do help.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
