Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Good Morning Gordie

I am sorry to hear W has regressed.

COVID, riots, and so on from the news, FB, etc. provide a constant pressure of the world’s problems. It gets everyone worked up. Especially those more controlled by their emotions. He anger and depression must be difficult to live with. For you and her.

I agree, it sounds like W is still processing underlying issues. For what it’s worth, anger and depression are further along than denial and running.

Originally Posted by Gordie
She has made it very clear that she doesn’t want me to touch her

She has had an aversion to physical contact throughout. Off and on. Not surprising given what happened to her, so long ago. Her not touching you isn’t about, or due to you. Her path, her timing.

Originally Posted by Gordie
Recently something bad happened to me and instead of empathy there was only anger towards me

I hope you are alright and whatever fallout from the bad happening is becoming nothing more than a memory.

W’s empathy circuitry is still being rewired it sounds like. Her journey is about her - something you wisely know.

Originally Posted by Gordie
She can be kind and pleasant at times, but other times talks as if I am not present even if I am in the same room

Do you mean she speaks angrily about/to you without regard for your feelings while in her presence? Or is it more like she doesn’t recognize you? Emotionally and/or actually.

My XW has a few different personalities within her, from time before me or kids. It’s weird to speak with or hearing those persons speaking. Same body, different inside.

Back to basics my friend. (((Gordie)))

How is work? How are you? Hobbies, yard work, whatever?

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
DnJ has wisely asked the right question: How is your GAL going? Impacted by Covid? What creative ways are you finding to keep the focus on yourself?

I'll be honest Gordie, this is not surprising to me. She pulled it together enough to get you to stop moving out, but I never felt that she did the hard work, only the bare essentials to keep you in the game.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, I truly do not mean it to, and I'm very sorry that my gut instinct on this has proven correct.

Yes, back to basics is all you can do.

Wishing you peace and strength. Loving kindness, meditation, google, will help you. You cannot help her, but you already know that.

xoxoxo

Last edited by bttrfly; 06/24/20 12:11 PM.

M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
So sorry to read that your wife is now back in the tunnel of depression once again. I do not think that she faced and resolved her issues and it's going to take her some time to do so, if ever. She didn't want you to move out and she was able to maintain some clarity for quite some time. Hopefully, once things settle down and we get into the "new" normal routine/mode, she will have a bit more freedom to get out there and just breathe once again. So much going on around the country and the world right now and she may be feeling a bit confined and feels the walls closing in.

So, what do you do? Get back to the basics and just leave her be.

Please take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Gordie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
AndrewP DNJ Butterfly Job

Thanks for still being here for me!

I’ve just been so frustrated lately that I needed to vent and it felt good to do so.

DNJ—thanks for the reminder about touching. Sometimes if I get too close she actually moves away. In terms of the bad thing it wasn’t too bad, but her reaction surprised me. Imagine I accidentally hurt myself in a minor way and my wife’s reaction was to spend the next 12 hours refusing to talk to me and playing really loud music and then finally coming to tell me that my expression of pain made her so angry. And the talking? She talks to the children about me as if I wasn’t sitting in the same room (not negatively, but just as if I am not present).

Butterfly and Job—sadly, I’m not too surprised either and know she has so much more she has to really deal with for herself. So the good news is my life otherwise is great—I have more friends and past times and work that keeps me busy and content. Paradoxically, my happiness aggravates W even more, so not really sure I can do anything about that.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
Gordie, continue to stay in your own lane and focus on GAL activities. Let her do her.

xoxoxo so sorry this is happening.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
Gordie, it has been a while since I wrote
in your Gordie style.

It kills me to see you going through any more pain. You are my friend
and such a good good good soul.
How could any woman not value you?

But God values you.
He sees everything you are going through.
He knows you are being wronged, and He will walk with you.

I've been trying to make sense of my past.
Realizing that my H maybe was always troubled.
He was just fighting it for me
until MLC hit and he couldn't.

Your W fought it for you.
I'd see that as a victory, not a "fake" attempt.
Phillipians 4:8.
She wanted to overcome her demons to stay married to you.
She needs to do a lot more to have a healed soul
and then a healed marriage
and then true love with her man.

But something in her knew enough to try.
Mine never tried once.
I don't know if she will keep trying.
But I would still say, Phillipians 4:8, she tried,
even if she doesn't have the courage to go all the way
and face herself.

I wish you had someone by your side who treated you as a king,
made you feel as special as you are.
But you are still the son of a King,
beyond special,
full of light.
Don't forget it.

I hate to see you back here for this reason
but it does make me so happy to see you.

Last edited by Gerda; 06/26/20 03:08 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 875
S
SBJ Offline
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 875
Gord, catching up today. While I was happy to see your name, I'm terribly sorry to see your name on here. I have cut back to maybe logging on 2x a month to catch up with people.

All we have control of is our relationship with God and our own attitude. Keeping a PMA is tough when we see those we care about struggle, but know that God is working in the background even when we cannot see any changes.

You are an amazing husband and father...keep up the good fight.

I will continue to keep you in my daily prayers!

God bless my brother!!!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Gordie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
Thank you old friends for checking in on me.

Bttrfly--Absolutely sticking to my own lane...really, what else is there to do?

Gerda--You always have a unique perspective...I never considered her change as "fighting for me"...even the possibility of that brought a smile to my face.

SBJ--As I said on your own thread, your continued faithfulness to God is an encouragement to me...as I feel like I am really struggling in my own faith these days (and church being closed hasn't helped)...w is currently totally hostile to the church at present, so any expression of my faith is currently a source of conflict.

UPDATE

W has increased her self-isolation from the family.

She goes to bed right after dinner and then wakes up at the crack of dawn so as to avoid being in the bathroom at the same time as me or being with me when I go to bed or wake up.

A lot of the time, she walks around the house with headphones on listening to music or books.

I try to engage at a minimum in a little small talk with her every day, like a roommate, but nothing intimate and certainly no relationship conversations. And of course, no touching.

The one time per day where she consistently engages with the family is at the dinner table.

Most days I am good and accepting of my situation, and busy with my own work, life and the kids. But some days the whole thing just depresses me. When I feel lonely, I call one of my friends. This is what it is. One day at a time.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
#TeamGordie

How are the kids doing? They've got to know that something is off. I'm sure that they are leaning on you to do a lot of the parenting.

A question you probably don't want to think about - is there another OM in the picture now? When you've seen these stories play out time and again, it's reasonable to think that might be the case.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Gordie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
AndrewP,

1. The kids definitely know something is off and yes, are more dependent on dad--for everything. This has its pluses and minuses.

2. Re OM, the thought has crossed my mind as I've lived that nightmare twice before and it's always a possibility, but here's why I think that's not in play right now: W has never previously hid the OMs from me; W is at home almost 24x7 due to COVID 19, so is not going out all the time; and W is not exhibiting the "I'm trying to attract a man" behaviors that she had previously.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Page 6 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard