The subscription meals are working out great. Only issue is the washing. Cooking food from scratch = lots more washing. I am sticking with it though. The food is balanced and tasty and yes, it gets me out of the 'same thing every night' rut. I made a tofu pad thai with vegetable (zucchini and carrot) noodles which was packed with flavour.
I'm not super interested in dating either. It just seems, well, it just seems like SOOOO much effort. I went on another 'first' date on the weekend. Stroll in a local park. Much like the other one, I found myself 'forcing' interest in what he was saying. He wanted to meet up again, maybe for a meal this time, but I don't see it going anywhere. Both dates so far made me feel like they 'wanted' so much and I'm not sure I can give that.
Maybe I should go back to dating the 25 year olds. At least they weren't looking for forever.
Ah, a hiking club would be awesome. Actually, I am desperately in need of a travel buddy. Someone to explore new countries with. That would be amazing.
It WOULD be amazing to have a travel buddy, right? I love traveling alone. Truly love it. But sometimes I want to travel with a friend too. I'll be your virtual travel buddy? Your travel support buddy
There should be "dating" sites where you can hook up with travel people! They must exist, right? Find someone you click with, enter your budget range and desired countries and go discover the world. A little dangerous in App form I suppose but cool in concept.
*****
Yes, go back to dating the 25 year olds. As in....don't "date". If it feels boring then I say don't do it but by all means have some fun. I need fun. No fun for me - blame the lack of leadership in this *bleep*hole country and blatant idiocy everywhere. I'm in a safe place, but still. No hookups for the foreseeable future. Even some flirting would be fun for now, but that tends to be better within 6' of one another.
I've been thinking about hooking up. It's new for me. I was always a serial monogamist. And too restrained in my love life with XW. Far too restrained. After 18+ months of soul searching I'm discovering who I am and it's still evolving. I still love her. I'm still a bit *in* love with her and I still see her as "my" person. A very big part of me still wishes she'd approach me and a very big part of me is terrified that she would. I feel...not fully baked. Like I'm still learning who I am, and I could not have any kind of healing with her unless I really know who I am. I'm struggling with the fact that we might not ever have healing between us, and the fact that we were a great couple in many ways, and with true reflection and work we could be a great couple again.
But that is only what I see, and I don't know what she sees. I have to leave her to live her life without assuming I know what's best. I'm still trying to leave her gently.
When I focus on me, I thrive. I had lost that for most of our R. Not because I intentionally deferred to her (though I did) but I think in part because we got together when I was so young. With the age gap she had come into a bit of who she was as a person, and I loved that. I didn't flounder enough to find myself ever - she scooped me up into safety and we lived happily in a bubble. Now I feel myself being pushed and pulled and I feel incredibly strong and confident and I know exactly what I like and don't like. I'm more open and curious and bold. I'm kinder, and I've discovered that the physical world is very important. I had lived in my mind - in academia or some mental problem solving state - and thought that was somehow wholly "me". But now I'm hiking and meditating on what my sexuality really means and how important it is to want - everything is so different.
So hooking up feels like a way for me to exert my new found power. Use my voice for good communication, listening well and being present without making assumptions. It feels new and it feels like it will be part of my process. I can have a lovely time with someone in an honest way and not feel guilt of what it "should" be. I can be honest upfront about not wanting more than casual friendship. For right now, I think I can easily not fall in love by accident because my heart just isn't in it. I still want to save and buy a house on my own without another person's input. That, to me, feels like the ultimate stability after our break-up. When I am able to buy it will be MINE. XW was generous/fair in our splitting of assets (none of which were in my name). I'm grateful for that, and lucky. But I still feel stupid for putting myself in such a vulnerable place financially.
I just reread what I wrote. I said, "I'm still trying to leave her gently". She left me. But wow, that sentence is so telling to me. What a shift in my perspective.
****
I didn't think I'd write all that, it wasn't planned. That's the kind of stuff that has been percolating for a while now, and why I'd been off the boards as I worked it all out. I'm not sure if I'm back to posting or not, or if I'll end up hiding again. With every step of healing it feels better to not remind yourself of what was, but to fully embrace what is.
Your on travel buddy. 7 days in Croatia mid August. I can't wait. It's a beach holiday this time. Staying at a great hotel just outside Split. I have to work during the day (remote working - one of the new normals too come out of this covid madness) so am planning on exploring in the evening. I've got a weekend there so will try and do a couple of day tours too. The travel buddy app would be great wouldn't it. I think that's all I want right now. Someone to explore places with, occasionally go and watch a movie, visit a gallery. That's not asking much is it ?!?!?
Yes, I agree, flexing the flirting muscles without setting expectations is much easier in a bar than on an app. I don't know about women, but with men, as soon as the banter becomes in any way hints of flirtation, then men immediately want to change the tone - and it either becomes sexting or full on commitment. Neither of which I'm interested in. I just like playing with words.
In any case, that's my story, and this is your thread so I will not harp on my (lack) of dates.
I am not sure I have ever meditated on my sexuality. We have been writing to each other a while now, and as big a part of you as being gay (I'm sorry if that's not the right term) is, I don't ever think oh, Yail, yep - she's the gay one. I think, Yail, the thoughtful lives a little in her head Italian who loves baking and blankets, who wants to travel and see the world and who fell head over heels in love when she is young and is now just learning who she is without someone to define her. Jeez she's strong. That's the Yail I have gotten to know.
So, as the world returns to normality, I hope you get to flex those flirting muscles again. I hope that you learn to open up again and let someone in. And whoever they are, I hope they deserve you.
Oh goodie we have a nice little travel group started <3. I saw that on I think FS's thread.
FS your words made me kinda tear up a bit. It's always interesting to see yourself reflected in other's words. I do feel strong, and is in no small part to the strong women I've met here. You are amazing. DV is amazing. There are numerous others I count in that group as well. I feel like my new attitude is a shrug while saying, "Yeah. Let's do it." Yes to everything!!!
I started my local travels today Since I can't go to any other countries I've decided to travel in my own state and experience what I have never experienced before. I'm sorry I can't share the specifics of location because I'd love to recommend specific trails to everyone here. I've been working on my hiking so I thought "why don't I do a big day hike that's ranked "hard"?". I've lived here my whole life, and only ever took small family hikes that maybe took 1.5 hours roundtrip. By myself I will walk a million miles a day without blinking, and do regular 1 - 2 hour hikes several times a week.
Well. Let me tell you. This one - it was HARD :-D
I think perhaps I wasn't quite as prepared as I assumed I was, but I did it anyway! Just very, very slow with my time. I had hoped to pop over to the adjacent peak too but I decided to stick to safety first, and maybe try that next time when I'm better prepped - I'm a work in progress as well as a solo hiker. BUT I did it, made it to the summit had a 6 hour steep hike there and back in gorgeous weather. After my descent I then popped over to the local river and jumped in which felt amazing and like summer should feel. I'm exhausted and satisfied and drinking a really high quality local beer, and trying not to think about how tired my feet and thighs are.
I think that hiking is for me. I've never been an athletic person, though aesthetically in the range of slender-ish with curves. More curves, less slender. I've been trying to run for most of pandemic and I'm not really making any progress. But with hiking every time I get faster times, and better outcomes so perhaps I'm more of a slow endurance person than a sprint person. I love being in the woods. I love the birds, and today I saw so many tiny little 1-inch frogs on this mountain. I had never hiked to alpine climate (above treeline) so that was pretty neat. And I looked out over much of our state, and the lakes and the mountains and our neighbor's mountains and everyone on the trail is so kind. One group I was chatting with knew it was my first time on this mountain so they were my photographer and I have a lovely photo of me proudly at the top.
That was today's highly successful travel adventure. Tomorrow I will rest, but perhaps I can get two or three more hikes in before Monday when I return to work from my vacation.
My goodness - while this isn't the primary goal, Yail is going to have a KILLER @$$ by the end of this summer. Excellent. I promise to use it for good.
I am stepping further and further away from the boards and it's all for good reasons. I'm healing, I feel good, I'm doing well. I feel badly that I have not commented on some threads here, but I've had to remove myself when I realized I'm no longer "in" my sitch. I don't really live here any more. And without being caught up it seems unproductive to post to others.
After my last post I have continued to hike. I'm pushing my body and I love/hate it Sometimes I'm on a trail wondering what the *bleep* I'm doing as I'm sweating and struggling. But then the summit is always worth it, and I can tell I'm getting stronger - especially my legs. I'm still very very slow and people pass me regularly. However, I'm on their turf - these are avid hikers and I'm a beginner so I don't mind. Also, I take many breaks. Hiking for me is a little bit about the workout (omg that workout kills me) but mostly about being in the woods and the silence and watching the birds and wildlife. I kind of love it. I did another big one today and I'm going to feel it in my quads tomorrow.
I still, of course, think about XW. She is still someone very, very special to me that I am a little protective of in my own way within my heart. I am still hurt that she chose to leave instead of diving deep to work on what we needed to work on. I see her issues in a new light. But perhaps if I was in her shoes I would have done the same - I think she had to leave because she felt she had truly tried and exhausted all options. My perspective was of course different. I've also started to see myself very clearly and have come to a place of taking responsibility for my own portion of various issues. She won't know that, but I see them now. I don't want to return to those habits and that way of being and I'm grateful for the lessons. I am so, so incredibly different now. But still, I also know that things could have been good with us, and we could have been happy. We just didn't quite know how, and perhaps the space was the only way to see this after all.
I'm a little more at peace about it though. I'm not at a point where I want to know anything about her new life - that is still too painful. I don't want mutual friends to report back, I don't want to talk about her in the "now". I can, however, reminisce sweetly about some of our great memories and the woman that I used to be in love with. I'm approaching 2 years of separation, and over 7 months divorced. Probably 8 or 9 since the last logistical email contact regarding the divorce. We have truly been no contact the whole time aside from the necessities. For my sitch it was critical to my healing because I knew this wasn't something that would bounce back. I mostly new the D would be a final decision, so I focused on healing from very early on. No boomerang XW for me.
But, back to Yail today. I've started to become good friends with one of the lesbian women I've blogged about in the past and we have a great time. I'm so lucky to have her in my life. We grab a beer once a month, once every two weeks or so and text randomly funny things. Our humor is in line so it's just so nice to have a friend where we are laughing so hard. And honestly, it's nice to have a close queer friend. Usually we talk about raunchy sex jokes or discussions about how I so desperately need to get some. We have a regular brewery we go to and last night we established with the bartender (who knows us well) that from now on we will determine who pays by him rolling his D&D dice. It's a supportive but fun dynamic and I hope our friendship continues to grow.
I have a goal of being done my masters in spring of 2022 and also purchasing a house by then. I want to do that now, but I'm just not there financially. But I look excitedly towards the future when I might have a home in only MY name in the country a little bit, and my MBA and hopefully a step forward in my career. It's all doable and I've never had a plan like this. I feel so hopeful and like I can do it. On my own.
I am so grateful to friends here who have come and gone, and to my friends in real life who have held me up during what can only be described as utter heartbreak. I always knew I would be fine, but now I'm there. This isn't a goodbye note, but it is an acknowledgement that I anticipate being here much less. As I said, I just don't live in my sitch anymore and to be here brings me to a place I'm just not at.
So good to read your update Yail. You ARE a ROCK STAR!!! Way to make lemonade out of lemons!!! Wonderful goals to set for yourself. I have no doubt whatsoever you will achieve them. And when you are ready, you will be a great partner to some lucky person out there who will hopefully be deserving of you.
I think there are many of us on here who are grateful for you as well. (((HUGS)))
Good to hear from you, Yail. I had hoped things were going well for you and they appear to be so.
This place exists for us to be reminded of what we went through, to vent, to scream at the universe when we feel like we're going crazy. We change so much during these growth times its hard to identify with the people we used to be when we joined.
I am glad you've found peace. I wish you the best - and hopefully we'll catch up every now and again.
But there's not too much to report in Yail's world.
Another hiccup of grief in September, as it was the month of our wedding and by the following fall she had left. Then last year I moved in my crazy schedule time and was between the house and my brother's house and a temporary apartment and then my real apartment. It has been another year of healing - I've been in my apartment a year now - and each step is gentle but always has a touch of melancholy. A year in my own space has done me good. I own this space. It is mine. Only Yail.
I'm maybe-kind-of-sort-of-not-really-but-am-I? flirting with someone. It feels nice. Honestly, I don't know what, if anything, I want to happen. I'm not thinking ahead like that. It's not a crazy crush like the one I had before where I was feeling giddy every two seconds. This is calmer, more confident. I don't know if I want to date or not which is the real crux of my hesitancy. I'm liking being single and having all this time to myself with no responsibilities to another person. But if I did want to date, this woman is someone who would be a good match for me. She's quiet, confident, has her life together. An insanely cute smile. Which sounds so boring when I write it, but honestly it's because I just do not know her! It's only now a bit of very slow getting to know process, and perhaps a little flirting within that. So we will see if it continues. It very well be nothing. Perhaps a new friendship? Perhaps a bit of flirting is all? Or perhaps this is the time when I make a first move and see what happens. But hey - she laughs at my jokes. That's the clearest path to my heart :-D
I'm nearly done with my third Grad class. I love it. I'm so glad I'm doing this. Sure, it's a lot of work sometimes but this is what balances my life. If I didn't have my classes I'd be bored with all of this time after work every day, and perhaps feeling lonely or depressed. Instead I have this great purpose of getting my MBA. My other hobbies fit in around it. I've cut back (again) on drinking alcohol so I'm just so focused in my life.
Ah yes, and food. Let's see. It feels like fall, so I made turkey meatloaf this week which tasted like home. I had some rendered duck fat from a friend (we all need friends who give us liquid gold like that!) that I made into a bit of gravy, and it's now season for my favorite: roasted brussels sprouts. I went apple picking last weekend so it's time to make some tarts and dried apples and a pie or two. Apple crisp. Maybe some crepes - I haven't had crepes months. My other recent meals this week have included sausage-apple-cheddar stuffed acorn squash, and some mulligatawny soup with homemade naan. Brainstorming is needed - all the recipes I've thought of have been boring, and I need some food inspiration.
Finally - some more hikes have been happening. I'm still so slow. I love it. Hoping for a 7-8 hour hike one day this weekend, and maybe a 2 hour hike on the opposite day. Winter is coming fast, and I'm not prepared to do any treks in the snow, so I've got to get it in while I can.
Sometimes I'm on a trail wondering what the *bleep* I'm doing as I'm sweating and struggling. But then the summit is always worth it, and I can tell I'm getting stronger - especially my legs. I'm still very very slow and people pass me regularly. However, I'm on their turf - these are avid hikers and I'm a beginner so I don't mind. Also, I take many breaks. Hiking for me is a little bit about the workout (omg that workout kills me) but mostly about being in the woods and the silence and watching the birds and wildlife. I kind of love it. I did another big one today and I'm going to feel it in my quads tomorrow.