Thank you all for your comments! I went through our old phone bills tonight, and she was on the phone with the other guy multiple times a day in the months leading up to her leaving me. I called her this evening and confronted her with this information. She continues to deny any romantic involvement between the two of them, and I have a very difficult time believing her for obvious reasons. At the very least she developed a deep emotional connection with another man who was an old friend while she was planning to leave our marriage, and then moved in to live with this man, without communicating any of this to me while it was happening. She still says she has feelings for me and hopes that we can reconcile our marriage. I believe she intended to divorce me and elope with this man, but my response to her leaving gave her second thoughts and now she is trying to decide between the two of us, and that is why we have been in limbo for four months. I could be wrong, but that is my assumption. Either way, this guy has intentions for her, I am now confident of that. Whatever the level of involvement between those two, I am not comfortable being in the situation that I am in. Having my wife live with another man where the two of them are so emotionally attached while I'm halfway across the country is not a healthy position to be in.
I asked for proof that he has a girlfriend and nothing is going on between them, that I need something from her to give me a reason to stay in this. We are going to talk tomorrow since the phone call ran long and things were getting heated. Without knowing every detail and being unable to trust her, I think I need to make a mandate. Either come home and we can work on this or I'm done and filing.
Why would she have to "decide between the two of you" if she didn't have a romantic interest in this "friend".
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I believe she intended to divorce me and elope with this man, but my response to her leaving gave her second thoughts and now she is trying to decide between the two of us, and that is why we have been in limbo for four months. I could be wrong, but that is my assumption.
Don't make any assumptions, don't attach any expectations here.
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I asked for proof that he has a girlfriend and nothing is going on between them, that I need something from her to give me a reason to stay in this. We are going to talk tomorrow since the phone call ran long and things were getting heated.
Why? If she wants to keep you on the hook she will just lie so you hear what you need to hear.
I know this [censored] and is hard, but keep that respect for yourself so you don't look back at this and say "God I was such a fool for falling for that and chasing her around".
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thank you all for your comments! I went through our old phone bills tonight, and she was on the phone with the other guy multiple times a day in the months leading up to her leaving me. I called her this evening and confronted her with this information. She continues to deny any romantic involvement between the two of them, and I have a very difficult time believing her for obvious reasons. At the very least she developed a deep emotional connection with another man who was an old friend while she was planning to leave our marriage, and then moved in to live with this man, without communicating any of this to me while it was happening. She still says she has feelings for me and hopes that we can reconcile our marriage. I believe she intended to divorce me and elope with this man, but my response to her leaving gave her second thoughts and now she is trying to decide between the two of us, and that is why we have been in limbo for four months. I could be wrong, but that is my assumption. Either way, this guy has intentions for her, I am now confident of that. Whatever the level of involvement between those two, I am not comfortable being in the situation that I am in. Having my wife live with another man where the two of them are so emotionally attached while I'm halfway across the country is not a healthy position to be in.
I asked for proof that he has a girlfriend and nothing is going on between them, that I need something from her to give me a reason to stay in this. We are going to talk tomorrow since the phone call ran long and things were getting heated. Without knowing every detail and being unable to trust her, I think I need to make a mandate. Either come home and we can work on this or I'm done and filing.
Whoa, hold on.
You are doing all the wrong things.....and then you are leaping to put a mandate in place based on your emotions from doing the wrong things.
Have your read DR? Have you read all of Cadet's welcome message links?
You are breaking key principles of DBing.....and then reacting to things based on breaking those key principles.
No where in DBIng do you comb through phone records. No where do you call her to confront. No where do you demand proof that her live-in male friend has a girlfriend and there is nothing between them. And rationally speaking, how does someone even prove that?!?
Bgr, step back.
You should be NC right now. You should be not taking her calls. You should even consider blocking or not responding to her texts. You are breaking every rule of DBing, and since you came here I assume you are wanting to DB.
SO no mandates. Likely you would lose that anyway. So rather than "Either you move back and we work on the marriage or I go file and am done." (NOTE THOSE ARE WORDS.) You just decide you are done and go file. (NOTE, THAT IS ACTION.)
IF you are not ready to go file, then you DB. You GAL (stay busy). You continue to work on your own self-improvements (180s) and become a man only a fool would leave. And you work on detachment. Please do yourself a favor and study detachment. Self-differentiation is another name for it. Learn what it is and work on it. Because I can tell you that studying phone records, calling her to confront and then demanding proof that doesn't exist, and couldn't even exist if what you wanted to prove was true, IS NOT DETACHMENT.
So before we go any further: Do you want to DB? Or do you want to pull the plug? Giving her a mandate is fruitless, she is already gone and living with another guy. What else do you need to know? Do you really think the mandate is going to get her go to go? "Oh, you're right, be home tonight."?? OR that she'll even say "Give up and move on from me."?? You aren't likely to get an answer from her either way, even though through her actions she has already made her choice.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
