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Link to first thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2878654&page=1

Link to second thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2884058&page=1

Link to third thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2888338&page=1

****************************************************************************************
RECAP:
H37 Me 36 (very soon to be 37)
T 7 M 3
D16 - H's from a previous relationship
D17 - mine from a previous relationship
EA started in mid Oct 2019 went to PA in late December 2019
Mid January 2020 H planned to leave MR for life with OW
OW left H Mid Feb 2020 back to her long term BF stating she "was never in this the way he was"
Early March 2020 H said he was still leaving regardless of OW there's nothing left in this marriage for him
Mid-March 2020 Covid happened and H was trapped here.
April 2020 D16 left our home for some time because of the A among other things, recently returned to 50/50

Over the last 6 weeks or so H has been leaning in more than ever. Taking me places as his wife. Check ins during the day as he's essential and I'm wfh. Making plans for the family. Sweet, doting H has returned, albeit tentatively. No more phone hiding. No more sulking. No more anger. Hair back to the way it was prior to the A starting. He's working out like a normal human person again instead of killing himself with 2 a days. Eating like he actually likes food again. And I am pursuing my masters. Making time for myself. Making time to spend with my friends virtually and outside. Spending lots of time with my grandparents and my kids. Hopefully reducing my antidepressants later this year. Working through a lot to be the best me I can.

Still no I love yous. But big news to follow smile

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I haven't been on here much for the last few months so all of this is surprising news indeed! Congrats, sounds like things have really turned around! Seems like ILY is one of the last things to return so that's not really surprising.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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What a good update, WF, especially because there are so many positives for you, regardless of H. Way to leave us with a cliffhanger! smile


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So last weekend we took the girls out of town, state parking hiking and a night in a hotel in a nearby city with a mask mandate. We just needed to get out. I planned the state park thing as a day trip. He came to me 2 nights before and said let's book a hotel, pulled out the laptop showed me hotels. Said "hey this one is the same as the one we stayed at on our wedding night. Prices are good. Girls will get their own beds." He booked it and away we went last weekend and we had such a wonderful time. The girls only complained once, the entirety of the last half mile of the hike...lol. We got so much quality family time in. I slept with D17 in the hotel because I didn't want to push any boundaries of his. But he was much more affectionate with me around the girls for the weekend.

Monday night he came home from work and told me he took some time off my birthday weekend since he knew I had taken off on my birthday, and then suggested we plan 2 or 3 nights away with the girls. I just smiled big and said yeah let's do that. Last night he came home from work and it was just me and him. D16 back at her moms, and D17 was with her BF. He asked if he could come back in the bed. I said I've told you for months you're welcome back whenever you'd like as long as no one else is coming into the bedroom with you. He said but they changed my hours and I'm worried about waking you up. I said you aren't quiet, our house is small you wake me up any way. He said ok. I left for a run with my bff and he moved all his stuff out of the living room and into the bedroom. He slept with me last night, and held me the whole night. Sweet kisses before he left for work this morning. It's been more than 7 months since we've fallen asleep and woke up like that on purpose. It's been more than 7 months since I had a bunch of sweet morning kisses, and a few butt pats, and telling me to go back to sleep and check in texts following.

He's been talking about things in the future like not in weeks so much any more but in months and years. I've made it back to his main social media since this past weekend. Still no big R talk. There's no begging on his knees. Just slow steady steps forward. I have to say since all this began this is the first time I've felt like I'm not constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. If I'm totally honesty I think it's going to take me a really long time to not feel like some else awful is just around the corner, but I finally feel like I can let my guard down a bit. Be a little more vulnerable. Be a little more sweet than I normal would be. Be more me, instead of this measured version of myself 24/7.

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oh Wayfarer, you know I'm a hopeless romantic and optimistic to the point of being probably stupid but... I wish we had the heart eyes emoji here. I am tearing up and just so so happy for you and I know this *is* going to end up being just a blip in the story of your M. I'm so proud of you and you have gone through so much. I hope your H has a fraction of understanding of how f-ing lucky he is to have you as his W.

xoxoxoxo M


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Wayfarer, it made me so happy to read your last update! I’ve always been impressed by your patience and self awareness.


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This past Saturday H told me he loved me for the first time since he said he loved both OW and me. He is in this very weird space where he tells me he loves me constantly. Like he's making up for the last 8 months of our lives. He follows me around like a puppy. Eskimo kisses, hand holding in the car, and arms around my waist from behind while I cook. He even sniffed my hair like a weirdo yesterday. The girls are happy. I'm happy, but I'm tentative. The reality is I'm scared. This is the same horrible feeling when you start falling in love with someone wondering if you should just back out now before they hurt you.

Spoke with IC today about ways to start approaching R convos so I can close this chapter of our lives and move on. How I word things I think is going to be quite the dance to avoid H's feelings on me being controlling and a know it all. We worked on strategies for that. I want to enjoy this time with H. I want to be in the head space he's in. He's so in love and cute, and I kind of feel like a duck because I spent all this time waiting for him to catch up and now he has to wait for me to catch up. But there are questions I need answered. There are things I need to say. There are reassurances that I need articulated not just assumed. And I want some solid concrete things from him regarding our future.

I need to know he's going to put in the effort into Retrouvaille or MC or books or online courses. I don't care which, h3ll, he can pick. But I'm not going back to the MR that we had leading up to this disaster. I'm not wasting all this money and time I have on working on myself for a stagnant marriage where we don't communicate. Where we just function in the day to day and have scheduled routine sex once a week. He's so improved on the workload at home. And talking about money. And for sure our sex life. I just need a husband who is ready to be emotionally intimate with me. To be emotionally intimate with someone like me with walls and gates, but feels so deeply.

He feels ready to be emotionally intimate with me. But, I worry he's only really ready for the good things, the light things about me and us. I just don't know if he's ready for the edges and my dark corners. Hiding that for so long and watching my mother's battle and slow death seriously took a toll on my mental health and put me and us in a horrible space. I can't do that again. I need him to want all of me. Not just the good bits, or the fun bits, or the bits he likes best. All of it. And he needs to get that MRs are hard and not a smooth, flat, straight path to 50 years of wedded bliss. They are a journey on a road less traveled and if you want the journey you need to take the good with the bad. The rough with the smooth. The light and the dark. That's what we promised. That's why those are the vows. Frankly he just needs more realistic expectations over all.

Most of all I want him to understand I can't do this again. I'm a strong believer in second chances, but I literally can't do this twice. I won't do 3rd chances. I won't sacrifice the time and energy and emotional bandwidth it takes to weather a storm like this in a MR ever again.

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WF -

This is an awesome update. Enjoy this time together - this is so much farther than many of us have gone. I often recommend to others here that they go back and re-read their situations to see just how far they have come, and to remember how bad of a space we were all in before.

There will be time for R talks - but I think if you jump to those too quickly, it will scare him right back into that tunnel. There are some good posts in the MLC forum and Words of Wisdom from the vets threads that discuss some of what happens in Recon - I might recommend you read them.

One thing I know for sure - take it slow. I would even say that to him if he broaches the subject of R - I want to take this slow and see how things go.

In the meantime, I don't think there is anything wrong with enjoying where you are right now. It's sort of like getting to know each other again.

Glad to hear of your news - stay strong and take care smile

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(((wayfarer)))

I know that terror that you'll fall into the same old M1.0 traps.... I was so so scared back in May that H just wanted to brush this all under the rug. And it is so exhausting to be DBing and purposely not exposing the rough bits. And now when you're used to that it probably feels really really scary to show them again. You need him to be there for all of you, to be able to have him be OK with you being in a bad mood, knowing that you need to have control sometimes and not taking it personally but giving you your space to do what you need without judging. Knowing he's got your back no matter what. I wonder sometimes if that is something we will never get back, that bone-deep knowledge that H is your person and has your back no matter what happens. I worry about that.

My H and I have been talking about what is next, what working on M2.0 will look like. He feels like the day I said I do I stopped caring about our R, I felt like he was there forever and started taking him for granted. And that in M2.0 we won't be able to take each other for granted, that we'll both be making the choice to be in an R with each other every day. I pushed back on that-- I see that as building M2.0 but I don't want to feel like either of us could jump out of the R at any moment. There has to be trust and structure and again, the ability to show all your dark corners and know that your H still loves you for you and isn't going anywhere. H rephrased to say, we need to be making the choice to actively show each other love every day. Which I'm honestly thinking on. It feels like a lot of pressure.

Some thoughts for you to take or leave:

-- I agree with IW. Take this slow. You've both been through a LOT and I would sit with those feelings for a few weeks and see what happens. I think if he is the one to take that step, to initiate an R convo, to research MC or Retrouvaille or whatever, you are going to be so much more confident in it than if it is something you initiate first. Also, it gives him the opportunity to step up and lead rather than you, which (if he's like my H) feels important. He doesn't want to feel controlled or led in M2.0. He wants a partner, and YOU want a partner. So maybe continuing your incredible patience a bit more will give him the opportunity to step up.

-- If/when you do bring it up in an R talk-- here's something my H has said to me. He feels like I go into solutioning super quickly (probably true). He asks me to sit with what is the problem rather than jump to what he needs to do to fix it. So, I wonder if because our Hs may perceive us similarly on the control thing if that advice may be helpful for you too? Stay in your lane and share how you're feeling and let him figure out how to support you and how to address it next?

-- Don't feel like a duck. I think how you are feeling is totally natural. I think Caligirl stopped posting before you got here but you might go find her thread-- she was a champion at DBing (like you) and she felt a lot of the same feelings when he came back. I think for you, too, because your H never actually LEFT, it is harder to judge the "back" status, and you may be more worried that you'll slip into him leaning out of the R more easily because he did that without actually leaving the house? I do think moving back into the MBR and saying ILY are pretty significant steps, though.

-- Finally, one thing our MC recommended that we haven't really done... have fun together. Date. Laugh. Have deep conversations about things that aren't your R. Turn towards him in the little ways (like Gottman talks about the sliding doors)-- look for those moments and respond. I think by establishing you're there for each other in the smallest of ways it can help rebuild that trust that you'll be there for each other in the big ones down the line too. Maybe you can do this without thinking about what it all means in the big picture for a little bit? Just relax and let down your guard a little and enjoy someone giving you Eskimo kisses and doing the dishes and going the extra mile in the bedroom? smile

I'm really happy for you, WF!! xoxoxoxo


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M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Oh, WF, can I first say how deserving of this you are? How hard you have worked, the patience you have presented and your commitment to your family (D’s) all led you to this place. You are worthy of this and by God, you have earned it.

I don’t have much to add in the advice column; your IC, and the previous posters have all given you great advice. The thing that I see to be key in this reconciliation is to keep going with your wise, patient, trusting of the ‘two flames’ self. Soak all that puppy love up right now. Get H back into the place of trusting his role in your R, which might mean for you pretending it’s all new and that you are single parents dating again (like when you first met). What would you have asked him then of your commitment to each other? I know this is hypothetical as you are not newly dating single parents, but maybe it would help your process if you visioned it that way? (Speaking of which, from my woo-woo self, have you written a present-tense version of your future life recently? If not, do it. If so, revise it to the best, most hopeful version of your M!)

You are embarking on M2.0. You have dealt with some serious trauma (mama passing away, H having an affair, D going back to her mom PT and the issues that brings up for you as a family), and though that trauma doesn’t disappear, you have done some mighty work on yourself through all of this. So, you (and also H) get to make up the rules. Maybe it would help to set some new ‘deadlines’ for your MR? He is clearly not moving out, so maybe set the yardstick out further for the work you want/expect to see? And then live your best life until those deadlines come closer. Allow yourself some joy and peace with where things are now. Because the Retrouvaille, books H needs to read and serious MC, are all in the future. And will come.

But damn, girl, you deserve it all now! I see you, you are so worth it. But 50 years of wedded bliss take a h3ll of a lot of patience. Of which you have proven to have in spades.

So much love to you and your situation. I am honored to read all about it.

((((WF))))

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