yes, I think you do have the absolute right to decide what this means to you and how you feel about it - I really do.
I also think that most angry men do not use sex - especially non-consensual sex - to express their anger. It's so far outside the bounds of normal behaviour - even angry, destructive behaviour - that in your shoes I would be looking for actions other than an expression of remorse to reassure me it would not happen again. Feeling remorseful is one thing - but if this is a way he shows control and dominance when he gets angry, you need to know he is taking action so that the next time he gets angry he doesn't do this again. I would expect at the very least he discloses his actions to his IC and enquires with whoever is prescribing him his supplements if this could have an affect and takes their advice. You have been advised by a professional not to have guns in the house. I worry that you are underestimating this man's capacity for violence. Normal men don't rape when they're angry.
Thanks everyone, can we please close this particular topic related to my situation. If anyone is on other divorce boards they find helpful - could you please share those with me here? much thanks, Bluesea
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
LH - Duly noted, and I am on point standing back and watching, taking note, pulling back, waiting.
Steve - from your thread,
Originally Posted by Steve
As long as a W is working at the MR then it can survive. But the minute a W gives up on the MR, she is ready to move on (in a lot of cases, not in all obviously), and the MR is in real trouble when the W gives up.
This is so true, I know it. And its happening, and with my letting go - it ALL goes. I have become impatient, and suspicious, probably wrongly assuming that he should know he should be doing more. How do you know when its time to move on or there is still life left in the marriage?
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
LH - Duly noted, and I am on point standing back and watching, taking note, pulling back, waiting.
Steve - from your thread,
Originally Posted by Steve
As long as a W is working at the MR then it can survive. But the minute a W gives up on the MR, she is ready to move on (in a lot of cases, not in all obviously), and the MR is in real trouble when the W gives up.
This is so true, I know it. And its happening, and with my letting go - it ALL goes. I have become impatient, and suspicious, probably wrongly assuming that he should know he should be doing more. How do you know when its time to move on or there is still life left in the marriage?
When you can walk away, without regrets, and move on to an awesome life, you know you are ready to move on.
I'll let LH and others that have been through it before answer, but that is the advice I give to LBS that are moving towards pulling the plug.
One thing to remember Bluesea, it is something that R2C likes to say, never stop DBing! Fall back on the base DB principles. Even if you decide to D, you still GAL. You still work on 180s. You still work on being detached. That is what sets you up for an awesome life beyond your sitch, D or R!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I have been journaling and noting actions especially. He makes a lot of effort in reaching out to me to talk, or start conversation - which I appreciate - but looking for 'action' (unless that is considered action) - he thought it was. He has scheduled MC for us, and is scheduling IC for himself. We went on a Starbucks run and had a dinner out (with the 16 daughter because it just gets awkward with conversation and such... and a burger dinner on the patio last night with daughter. He will not say I love you, just noting. He has fully cleaned the kitchen on the nights I leave it. He makes efforts to come find me when its late and knows its when I will turn in. We plan to go for a walk/trails this weekend together. He has stopped drinking. He is sharing with a good friend of his, and getting advice....point is, he is talking, thats big for him. He is going to connect to his brother shortly. We are doing a week long fast together... his idea...no idea. I think he wants to have me stress to see if all these changes are for real. (mindreading)
By no means are things great. He is still distant. And I do give him a lot of space still. When I do speak with him, he offers a lot of advice (which I take as a good sign) I see it as a guys way to show caring.
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
By no means are things great. He is still distant. And I do give him a lot of space still. When I do speak with him, he offers a lot of advice (which I take as a good sign) I see it as a guys way to show caring.
When I felt a boundary being crossed (on plain civility) I let him know that we are both on the fence now..so stop being an a@@hole - that doesn't accomplish anything - just be nice/kind- fake it if you have to - because whether its M or co-parenting - its an investment. We do have an occasional R talk. I have made changes for myself not to accommodate his behaviors and the expectation is that there will be changes on his part. He gets it, I have eaten my fair share of sh!t sandwiches, its time to see if there is something viable.
For my part I make every effort to let go of anger and forgive. I make effort to turn towards, when I see him doing that, EVEN if its hard. When he extends his hand I take it. I am not over trying - but we BOTH have to push ourselves to do these things - we do not like each other right now, I think. And for where we are at, that is okay - you don't come out of this 'in like' - right now the history, the kids, the enmeshed life is holding us together (not fear LH).
It will evolve if we keep tending it. I refuse to play a role or put rose color glasses on, I am being me, no facades, we both have to go into this with open eyes.
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
He is inviting me on his errands, doing things we did before...putter around a favorite store, pick up project items from Home Depot, watching a movie at home on the couch last night.
I see he is trying. And I am trying. What does that mean? Just turning towards each other whenever possible. I laugh at his jokes. I try to see his side of things - but also holding my side - again, the changes I made were not to accommodate him. Its week 1 of a 6 month trial. It started off poorly, but picked up.
Blue
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
