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Hi from the beginning of a new week!

Originally Posted by DnJ
Look beyond. Look passed all that’s been written upon their once clean slate. See them. See their slate. See them and see what has been written so far. Perhaps you can see, and hope for, the possibility of something better being written upon their future. Would that change how we see them? Should it?

I do believe people are capable of change in a positive, healthy direction. Does that change how I see H? Should it? Maybe not as who he was vs. who he is/seems to be but in flux. I will have to think about this more.

H has been looking at those high school yearbooks his mom sent. Past selves. I wonder who he thought he was then, or when we were married after college,or who he thinks he is now. Just in a curious observer kind of way I wonder how would he describe himself, his core self. Not his changing interests, not his happy, never-worried exterior, but what’s at his center. All I know is that he was the perfect son in high school and well-liked by everyone, best friend to many girls.

This is tangentially related—it does make think of something H said at BD: he had changed, he said, but I hadn’t. This hurt and confused me at the time. I could see there were some changes I/we needed to make in our R. But me as a person? Is that what he meant? I’d felt pretty good about knowing myself, and his words made me question that. Was I supposed to be a completely different person than I’d been up until then? And can't partners grow and change independently over a long M? i.e. M doesn't mean you always have to be into the same interests as your partner, because you're both individual, whole people. A year later, I can see all the changes he’s made (friends, hobbies—he just bought a compound bow and I guess is into archery now?—hair, clothes, etc etc), and I wonder if I should have understood those words less as a critique of me and more as a projection of his desire to change himself. Or change something, anything. His words still echo from time to time, but I can say I still feel pretty happy with who I am fundamentally, you know? Not that my work is done, I can never learn anything more or grow—just that I feel more and more comfortable with myself, less of that anxious feeling that I must need to change for H in some way. Which is I guess something I don’t sense in H—a level of comfort with who he is.

I felt so joyful and content yesterday: I took the time to make a slightly more involved pizza dough from my sourdough starter and the extra work paid off. I enjoyed the best pizza I’ve ever made, then more of the dessert I’d baked over the weekend—key lime bars with the lightest, fluffiest swiss meringue. I picked flowers from the garden and delivered an arrangement to a friend’s porch. This is who I am, you know? Able to find absolute delight in each of these things. I have to admit, when I bit into the pizza, I thought, H is really going to be missing out. Not in a mean way or a sad way, but just, too bad for him! I do think we had a lot of really happy times together. We were also stuck in our own patterns and not working to understand them. I do think there is always the possibility for positive changes in the future, but I guess that's my optimism coming through again. Trying not to get it mixed up with expectations, always.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
And cardinal my dear, you have all of this in you. You've been exercising all of that. I know you don't always feel it, but lady, let me tell you, you are forever falling off that horse and getting right back up with grace, strength and empathy.


Thank you so much for saying this, Wayfarer. I think sometimes I focus too much on where I’d like to be (100% compassion, empathy, patience, detachment) and forget to focus on how far I’ve come.

I wish I could have a pizza party with all of you! I’m making more dough tonight.


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popping in to say Brava - yes, this is you, and you're pretty wonderful!

BTW, my neighbor and I have been working on the coop, laid the plywood floor, hardware mesh is secure all around the three sides and under the roof overhang, and the back is temporarily screwed into place. We're going to make that into French doors for easy cleanout.

AND today, all by myself, I laid the linoleum floor. Peel and stick but it's a pattern and I had to do cut outs and everything. I'm ridiculously pleased with it and proud of myself.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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I thought I would post here what I wrote on Bttrfly’s thread, because it did make me think about what is helping me right now and why.

Originally Posted by cardinal
Hi, bttrfly. I'm thinking of you and your son, and I hope your time spent in meditation and prayer has been helpful.

From what you posted in my thread, it sounds like the coop is coming along nicely. With the French doors and the patterned floor, it sounds like it's going to beautiful! Way to go on laying the linoleum. This made me smile:
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Their favorite music is big band. My friend J says they are "Swing Chickens" --- favorite song that they actually dance to is Bette MIdler's version of Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy.


I've had chickens on my mind the last few days because one of ours has had laying issues. I may post a bit about it. I have to say they are often a calming presence for me when I'm working in the garden, but over the years as my H
seemed less and less interested in their care (they were his idea originally), they have become a source of stress too, as they're getting older and having more health issues and have always had some trouble in the heatwaves here during the summers. It's a fact of life: animals get older, they get sick, and they die just like people do, but I am very fond of them, and sometimes it's hard to feel like I'm carrying all of this love and worry on my own. We hatched them several years ago, and I spent hours outside with them when they were chicks. It was a great experience.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
Really Card, what I'm working on these days is getting more grounded. I'm doing that by stepping away from social media (including here), and working the land. For me that means making flower essences of various plants on property, re-locating plants to different areas, making a labyrinth, and most importantly taking the perspective of being a Steward of the land I live on rather than an owner. It's a different mindset.

The creatures who live here are under my protection as much as the plants, trees, rocks and people. That brings me peace. That keeps me focused on the here and now, and gives me strength. I say this because I think, from what little I've read on your threads, that you will relate to this, and maybe find it helpful. As an herbalist, third generation at least, I have a different perspective than most, but this is what is currently working for me.


This is helpful to read. I know I feel the most peace when I am outside caring for plants or, yes, moving plants, putting new plants into the ground. It is incredibly grounding for me and is the closest I get to meditation, closer even then when I am actively trying to meditate right now! Ha. We have many feral cats in our neighborhood, and I spent some time TNRing several of them (trap/neuter/return) a couple of years ago. One in particular, a mother who had kittens in our yard, was especially hard to catch—it took me over a year, but she now spends most of her time in the yard with me, and I am so grateful I can provide this little protected place for her.

All of this is to say I don't think I realized how grounding all of this was/is for me until I read your words. I know it's one of the main reasons I would like to continue living in this house—I don't want to leave these creatures under someone else's care, or have them find that it's suddenly a place where they are no longer welcome.


So, yes, over the last few days one of our older chickens wasn't able to pass the shell of an egg that didn't fully form and could have died. Maybe this is TMI if you don't have chickens (!), but H was around and was able to pull the shell out while I held her, which is what needed to happen. Hopefully she'll make a full recovery. It was really a two person job, so I'm grateful H was able to help. He used to love hanging out with the chickens, but has been very hands off for a few years now, moreso, of course, in the last year, and so I am always the one to spot when one of them is "off" and diagnose and care for them, plus do the normal care of feeding and cleaning the coop, that kind of thing. When we first got chickens years and years ago, I was indifferent to the idea and H really wanted them. Now I've become pretty attached to them.

This experience has brought back last summer's memories of my having to euthanize our favorite chicken on my own (I mean, the vet did the euthanizing, not me, but you get the idea), because H couldn't make it. He was bowling with new friends when I called to tell him it would have to be done, and didn't pick up the phone at first. Then on the day of the vet visit, he couldn't make it for whatever reason. This was a month or so after BD, and he showed little emotion before or after her death, and I was distraught. He did help bury her, and that's when he broke down, just during that short time. I've seen so little emotion from him since BD, so it was cathartic for me, though I felt sad that he wasn't able to be there more for our chicken while she was still alive that week.

I think I just try to not think about this or ignore it most of the time, but it does still get to me that he can mute any emotions he might have. It feels like I am living with someone who is numb, while I feel all the feelings even when I'd rather not. I know this numbness also goes along with depression sometimes, and maybe part of it is compartmentalization and maybe part of it is depression. I can't know. I had waves of sadness again this week. I woke up one night and felt that, though it's not ideal living with him as a roommate, and there are things I look forward to doing on my own in the house, I don't really want my H to be gone for good. This current version of him, well, that's a little different, but even that...I just felt a lot of sadness about it, then was not okay with the fact that I still have all of this sadness and reluctance in me. Like most of the time when I don't feel it, I think--maybe it's gone! I'm not loving that it can just resurface. I realized I had this expectation that it would go away completely. When someone dies, though, that grief never fully leaves, does it? It just changes shape and maybe sharpness.

It may be too hot to bake this weekend. Then again, that probably won't stop me.


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reposting from my thread: i'm glad that you've found what i've written to be helpful to you. Generally, I think we are all doing better than we think - or feel - we are at any given moment. I didn't live with my ex for more than three weeks after BD, and he was away for most of that, but the years leading up to it, particularly the last two were really, really hard years, where I knew something was going terribly wrong and had no way of stopping the runaway train.

Keep doing whatever you can that will bring you peace.

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

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A box full of darkness.
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That this too, was a gift."
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Originally Posted by cardinal
I think I just try to not think about this or ignore it most of the time, but it does still get to me that he can mute any emotions he might have. It feels like I am living with someone who is numb, while I feel all the feelings even when I'd rather not.

Hi Cardinal,

Thinking of you... I just had a whole convo with my mom wondering why they don't have chickens as they have the space and the time and otherwise it is totally up their alley. She said my dad really wants them but she doesn't think she'll be able to handle them dying. Which I kind of get.

Is there any way for you to somehow wall yourself off emotionally from caring about what he does or doesn't feel? I'm imagining this magical force field of serenity that surrounds you wherever you go, and his numbness just gets pushed aside and away from your bubble. Not that I (obviously) know how to do this... but it bothers me that you have that little energy/emotional suck from him, almost like a mini black hole.

Any baking recently? Our red-headed cardinals had a second set of babies right after the last set, which is unusual and fun. The babies are LOUD though. smile

xx M


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Originally Posted by bttrfly
Keep doing whatever you can that will bring you peace.

Thanks, bttrfly. This is really all I can do, as in actively do, and it is a good place to keep my focus. And my focus is on being outside and with my flowers and creatures most of the time.

may, I feel like I have developed a force field that mostly works, but it fritzes out or loses its power at unexpected times (maybe I need DnJ to repair—ha!), and then I’m like, where did my force field go? I’m suddenly vulnerable and all these feelings come rushing in. This morning I was half-awake and just missing the kind of banter and connection I had with old H. I can remember it very clearly. I tried to just pray that he would work through things and find himself, because I know none of that is up to me. And then I get frustrated that I still miss him so much at times. Maybe it is like I fall into a mini black hole. I think I need to work on having compassion for myself on days like this.

I love that there are little baby cardinals in your yard! A few doors down there are young hawks, and they fly from tree to tree screeching every morning. Pretty noisy too, but I like their company.

I wanted a peach pie, but it’s so hot that I told myself I wouldn’t bake. And then I settled in a peach crisp instead. smile There’ll be some tomorrow morning, if anyone wants to stop by.


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mmmm.... I want some peach crisp!

Yes, you need to be kind to yourself. Of course you feel that way sometimes. Is there something you can do in those times to help yourself work through it and reestablish your force field? Like indulge for some amount of time-- let yourself be sad and experience and name those feelings-- and then move on to another activity, like meditation, gardening, exercise? Call or text a friend? I just wonder if you can find a way (or several ways) to reliably help yourself pull out of the mini black hole and build back up your force field, it might be less unsettling when it happens.

My D10 made madeleines the other day-- they were delish. We used mini muffin pans since we don't have a madeleine pan and it worked really well.

xoxo M


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Good Morning cardinal

I love reading about all the baking and cooking you are doing. Well done!

mmmmm. Peach crisp. I’m on my way! smile

Originally Posted by cardinal
I think I just try to not think about this or ignore it most of the time, but it does still get to me that he can mute any emotions he might have. It feels like I am living with someone who is numb, while I feel all the feelings even when I'd rather not. I know this numbness also goes along with depression sometimes, and maybe part of it is compartmentalization and maybe part of it is depression. I can’t know.

You cannot know exactly what is going on in his head. He doesn’t even know.

Remember his path is emotionally driven. His emotions are cranked to 11. His depression is ever present and his temporary ignoring or muting his emotions is how he attempts to function.

Make no mistake, his muting is a temporary measure. MLCer’s demons come out to torment when the crisis person slows their emotional running.

****
MLCer,

At night, in the still darkness, when the world is asleep. When the bars are closed, and the theatres are closed. When the stores are closed. When your friends aren’t available. When the drugs and alcohol no longer numb, I am here. You cannot hide. You will run and you will tire. And I am still here. You cannot outrun me, for I am within you. I am ceaseless and relentless.

I am The Darkness Within.
****

H is trying to hold all that at bay. It’s a huge emotional dam that has burst. MLCers spend a good deal of time in denial and anger. And anger turned inward is depression.

Originally Posted by cardinal
I just felt a lot of sadness about it, then was not okay with the fact that I still have all of this sadness and reluctance in me. Like most of the time when I don't feel it, I think--maybe it's gone! I'm not loving that it can just resurface. I realized I had this expectation that it would go away completely. When someone dies, though, that grief never fully leaves, does it? It just changes shape and maybe sharpness.

We let go. We grab back on. We let go again.

It’s ok. It’s normal.

We do find acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness. And those loving longing feelings never completely go away. We just accept them.

The grief makes less and less appearances for briefer and briefer times as we progress. I don’t believe it ever completely goes away - for we loved/love that person. It’s ok to miss them and the relationship you had.

The shape and sharpness of grief does change. Becomes something different, something more. Acceptance turns it to a memory. A pleasant almost daydream stroll down memory lane. My heart still has an interesting flutter when I recall my marriage and W (not XW). I get a smile and a wee pour of happy feelings; nothing overwhelming, just an almost daydream-like somewhat fleeting experience. It is similar for my long dead Grandma, Grandpa, Aunts, Uncles, past beloved pets, etc.

In my opinion, you are on the correct path and have captured the progress towards acceptance perfectly. The mixture of expectations, letting go, the sadness, the joy, the doubt of if you should be happy and accept the end.

Originally Posted by cardinal
I feel like I have developed a force field that mostly works, but it fritzes out or loses its power at unexpected times (maybe I need DnJ to repair—ha!), and then I’m like, where did my force field go? I’m suddenly vulnerable and all these feelings come rushing in.

It sounds like your force field is working fine. I do like to repair, but no need to fix what ain’t broke. smile

Those rushing feelings, don’t rushing in - they rush up. Rush up from within. The force field is indifference to our emotions. It’s suppose to lower and then go back up. You are doing fine.

Treat yourself with compassion; for it’s a very good road to walk, and you are most assuredly worthy of it.

With all the references to mini black holes, the pull of gravity, force fields and such. Have a listen to this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_U6iSAn_fY

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Trying to work through something. It's been a hard day for various reasons. Seems to be the culmination of this wave of grief, where I spent the afternoon feeling the pain I used to feel every day after BD, that super fresh feeling of disbelief that everything is over just like that, and missing H. may, I have been thinking about what bttrfly said as well: keep doing the things that bring me peace. So I garden and listen to guided meditations and talk to my dear friend who was my maid of honor and knew H. She has been so supportive this year. But today it was like I traveled back in time to last summer and nothing would help. Luckily H was gone most of the day, so I cried to my mom on the phone for a while. I feel like I should be in a place a year later where I am totally accepting that M is over, D is just a formality at this point, and I think I am there a lot of the time, but then—it's true, the feelings are in the forcefield, within me—all this stuff rises up, reminding me that deep down the feelings are still there: I don't want D and am still grieving so hard, and D feels like a whole new round of grief, even if it shouldn't mean anything different.

It's like... something or other occasionally reminds me that I still haven't managed to fully quash expectations. Like I just hid them somewhere I don't often look instead. What's the point in hoping we don't D when it's not like H is using this time to reconsider or work on himself? Shouldn't I be ready for this next phase by now, especially if I suspect H needs to travel that path in order to get anywhere in his own journey? It has seemed inevitable for a while, why delay it?

I'm just still so... sad about the way things are, even if I can have more joyful days and moments. The word "sad" seems incredibly inadequate. Underneath there's this bottomless well of grief and longing to have my M back. It's painful to have these good memories of us right now. I have to trust DnJ and others who are further along are right, that they won't be so painful with time. Today, I just sort of wish I didn't have these memories. I should be thankful I don't wake up and feel it every day like I used to... but when I do feel it, it's just as strong.

I'm having trouble putting into words why today's wave felt different. I think I sound like a broken record. Maybe it was another step in acknowledging what I've lost, in facing it. Part of me still doesn't want to face it, so it feels like fresh grief. I had the same feelings I had a few weeks ago: that because I broke up with H in college, we dated other people, then a year later he admitted he'd been running from his feelings, trying to stay busy and use distractions to cover them up (and we got back together)—that in part because of this, I am hopeful there is a different future with H; that I can't believe I will never see the H I knew again; that I both feel like I will always believe in our love, always hope, and also fear that I will always hope. That I will always be longing for what we had, for the life I lived with H and a version of it where we evolved.

Originally Posted by DnJ
We let go. We grab back on. We let go again.

It’s ok. It’s normal.

We do find acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness. And those loving longing feelings never completely go away. We just accept them.

The grief makes less and less appearances for briefer and briefer times as we progress. I don’t believe it ever completely goes away - for we loved/love that person. It’s ok to miss them and the relationship you had.


I guess I'm just still experiencing this. Letting go, grabbing back on again. Of course I cried at "Gravity," D. Grieving. It's hard. It's exhausting. It sometimes feels like a full-time job. Letting go. I don't think I can consciously do it or hurry it up. I think I have to trust that I am trying and that it will happen on its own.

I know I am feeling disappointed to still have all of these strong feelings for H, for M, to find myself wishing. I know it's not helpful to criticize myself for not being any other way in the present. I want so much to let go of all expectations for H, for the future. I also want to much to have a future with old H or future H. Opposing forces. Maybe what I really need to focus on is letting go of expectations for myself, for what I want or don't want and whether or not that lines up with what I "should" want. I've worked so hard on finding compassion for H. Maybe it's time to really work on allowing myself to feel what I feel, instead of working so hard to resist it. That is hard when I am afraid of what I feel, or when what I feel happens to be the bottomless well of sadness.

I did make bread today. There is that.


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Hello cardinal

Originally Posted by cardinal
I feel like I should be in a place a year later where I am totally accepting that M is over, D is just a formality at this point, and I think I am there a lot of the time, but then—it's true, the feelings are in the forcefield, within me—all this stuff rises up, reminding me that deep down the feelings are still there: I don't want D and am still grieving so hard, and D feels like a whole new round of grief, even if it shouldn't mean anything different.

Be gentle on yourself. (((cardinal)))

Divorce is never just a formality. This takes time to accept as does the separation, the end of R, his cheating, his lying, etc. You are doing very well. I mean that!!!

I know you don’t want a divorce. And I empathize with your feelings.

Indifference mutes your emotions and allows you to find your beliefs and convictions. You, my dear cardinal, understand and even believe in compassion. Follow your beliefs. Those are your headings during this storm. Feelings change quickly; beliefs are slow to alter. Look to what you have crafted and strengthened. Look to who cardinal is.

Finding and living compassionate indifference.

Originally Posted by cardinal
I am hopeful there is a different future with H; that I can't believe I will never see the H I knew again; that I both feel like I will always believe in our love, always hope, and also fear that I will always hope. That I will always be longing for what we had, for the life I lived with H and a version of it where we evolved.

I can't find it hard to believe I will never see the H I knew again...

I can't believe I will am dumbfounded that I may never see the H I knew again...

Please, “can’t believe” keeps you stuck. I was there. It is really amazing at what we hear and the influence it exerts.

I understand, and remember, believing in love and hope, and fearing I would always love and hope. Let go your fear. It’s ok.

Have faith, you will not always be longing for the life you had, or for H. Things become more just a memory, a fact, a value.

Originally Posted by cardinal
I'm just still so... sad about the way things are, even if I can have more joyful days and moments. The word "sad" seems incredibly inadequate. Underneath there's this bottomless well of grief and longing to have my M back. It's painful to have these good memories of us right now. I have to trust DnJ and others who are further along are right, that they won't be so painful with time.

Yes, sad is so inadequate for describing this feeling.

The stage of grief that usually proceeds acceptance is depression. This is depression. Bottomless sadness and longing. It feels like it will never end. Know different. Believe different.

Your feelings are fine and perfectly normal. In fact they do you credit; the deeper and truer your love (and loss) the greater the depression. Grief is our emotional journey. Acceptance is our emotional understanding.

I am honoured to have earned your trust cardinal. It is very true, in time this will be look upon with a much different perspective, and without the pain and sadness you are currently experiencing.

Counterintuitive. You found compassion. You have compassion. Believe in it. Live it.

Continue moving forward with compassion. Especially for yourself. You deserve and are worthy of it.

Originally Posted by cardinal
I've worked so hard on finding compassion for H. Maybe it's time to really work on allowing myself to feel what I feel, instead of working so hard to resist it. That is hard when I am afraid of what I feel, or when what I feel happens to be the bottomless well of sadness.

As indifference lifts our feelings return. Having done the inner work and knowing and crafting who you are happy with - believe in her. Feel your feelings and follow your values. Don’t worry, feelings are fleeting, they will change. Even if it doesn’t feel that way.

Originally Posted by cardinal
Grieving. It's hard. It's exhausting. It sometimes feels like a full-time job. Letting go. I don't think I can consciously do it or hurry it up. I think I have to trust that I am trying and that it will happen on its own.

Very well said. Much wisdom.

Yes, grief takes as long as it takes. It will be done when it done and not a second earlier. Remember, grief is our emotional journey. We only control our thoughts and actions, which can influence our emotions. Follow your values and beliefs.

Answers, steps towards acceptance, present themselves when we sit quietly, when we focus on ourselves, when we live and keep moving forward. These answers are to question we don’t yet realize. These answers come when not forced.

I am glad you liked the song. It does bring the tears doesn’t it.

What type of bread did you bake today?

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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