I understand this... but I'm also human. I've never had to to take daily medication before and well sometimes I just forget.
I would recommend setting a daily alarm on your phone. This definitely helps you remember to do it. You can also use one of those weekly pill cases to make sure you are on track. I definitely understand forgetting, but these two things help with that tremendously. Especially when you have a lot of other things going on and on your mind.
Ugh.... this morning is rough!!! Its like I'm being pelted by rocks. :-(
My son thanked me for such a nice party! And, it was nice. Such a lovely visit with lots of people. Graduation was a bit of a bust. The kids had graduation but no one was allowed to attend in person - we all had to watch via you tube. Still it will be a remembered milestone for what we weren't allowed to do.
My MIL came to the party and stayed for 3 hours. I had not seen her since January.
My heart is really hurting today.
Next focus will be going out of town this weekend for a family reunion.
KC, regarding the A/D's, as Steve said please do not quit them cold turkey. They alter your body chemistry and if you suddenly quit taking them it can have some very, VERY severe effects. I discussed getting off of them with my doctor and she had me cut back 10% every 2 weeks. Yes I had to do a lot of pill chopping! But the slow weaning allows your body to adjust to the lesser amounts. I was honestly really afraid to stop completely, even though at the end I was only eating a crumb of a tablet a day I was concerned I would spiral back into depression and anxiety attacks. No worries though, I was perfectly fine and have been ever since (and that was around 7 years ago at this point).
I have a coworker that did quit them cold turkey. He did not talk to his doctor. He had started gaining weight and decided it was because of the A/D's and so he just quit them. He immediately fell into deep depression again, so he resumed taking them. This really highlights just how unpredictable A/D's can be, when he started taking them again they had zero effect, he continued to spiral downward. He became suicidal and long story short, he was in a mental hospital for 6 months undergoing numerous treatments including shock therapy. It took them that long to find the right combination of drugs to get him back on a fairly even keel. Even after he got out of the hospital it was another year before he seemed like his old self again.
So please, do not make ANY changes to A/D's without talking to your doctor first.
I have a Dr appointment this week and havne't done any changes outside picking up some Rogaine to at least be doing something!!!
I do think I'm ready to come off the AD's. I'm no longer at the same stage I was when I started and they did help - like a band aid to cover a wound and help slow down the bleeding. I was a hot mess and not even able to function at work.
I'm not there anymore and while I do deal with sadness - this is a sad problem. I shouldn't expect to not feel anything. And, I'm also noticing some minor issues with memory recall. Nothing major but is this because I'm blunting everything???
I've known my Dr for YEARS - as I'm her patient but she is also my client! So it will all be addressed!
AND, while I woke up today and I swear the first word out of my subconscious mind was the name of my H... REALLY??? Why is the first thing I go to? Anyway - I'm looking great physically. My clothes look awesome on me. I looked gorgeous at the party... heat and humidity and all my hair and make up on point!!! That is making me feel really great.
I got so many compliments --- even one about my arms and how great they look. They do... but they still could benefit from some more work.
So my set a goal of losing another 15lb... This is where it gets tougher!! I'm going to have to work harder for those 15lb than I did for the first 25lb. I can do it!
Don't worry about it if your first thought when you wake up is about your spouse. Mine is too. It's normal since you used to wake up to that person every day, especially if you're still waking up in a bed that you shared.
I'm gathering documents that I'm going to need if my atty is going to make H a settlement offer. I can't afford to pay $300/hr for her to get the docs when its something I am capable of doing.
I'm keeping contact strictly business and I needed balances on the boat and motorbike and then to agree on a valuation number. Nothing terribly hard - printing out or screen shots of balance and then putting info into KBB for a number.
He made it difficult. Complained. Told me I'm using the term valuation wrong and I needed to stop doing that. Said my atty was being knit picky... uhhhh no... its a simple asset/liability sheet.
^^^^^^Thank goodness I went back to muting his texts so it didn't interfere with my day.
AND - Kudos to me for not replying and getting sucked into all that. Its quite clear regardless of what I do... even when its exactly what he wants he can't be happy.
I'm in a good place tonight --- I pray I am still there in the morning.
Prayers for you KC. None of us have ever tried to claim this stuff is easy. And for some that overtly attached it is even more difficult. So hang in there. Take it one day at a time. Stay true to yourself and your values and principles. And DO NOT get sucked into his crazy.
To me it appears that he likes having you as his back-up plan. And isn't really ready to let you completely go. I think he still believes that he could waltz right back into your life anytime he wanted to. And he likes that safety net.
I also know being someone's safety net is NOT a fun place to be. Been there a lot in my life.
Hang in there KC. Just keep working.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Its exhausting in the morning coming out of that hazy land of sleep and then realizing he is the first thing I'm thinking about. Literally everyday.
I will freely admit in the past I broke NC with stupid things that weren't necessary and was always surprised he answered me so quickly and it was friendly. I wish now I had not done those things as they just reek of pursuit and desperation.
I was very business like in the two times I needed docs. Not rude but anything I wrote out I made sure to go back and eliminate 30% of it keeping it as short and to the point as possible.
But, I noticed I would feel so grimy and dirty after these contacts. I mean like literally GROSS. So I talked with someone why this is - it as brought to my attention that it wasn't that the contact was wrong and what was making me feel so awful was the fact I'm doing something against my core beliefs. Divorce is against my core beliefs. It was suggested that I stop and tell him to just get an atty to move forward because I can't willingly participate.
I totally see what she is saying but I can't go back on this.... I don't have to move quickly. Right now its just "words" but the settlement could be in my favor $25-50k. I shouldn't walk away from that. Its stupid to let attys eat that up and to p*ss it away, NOW, when push comes to shove and there is a settlement on the table he may not keep his word - I understand that... but I have the best divorce lawyer in town so I have my faith in her.
****** I'M DOWN 28LB *******
^^^^^ I have friends from high school on social media reach out and tell me how beautiful I am. That really helps my ego!!! Especially at 50 with significant hair loss at the moment.
KC, in my experience the reason you also feel bad after contacting him is that the contact doesn't end up what you hope it would be.
I know this from experience. With my pre-married, long time on again, off again R. I would reach out hoping she'd say things like "I miss you." "I cant' live without you!" "We can we be together?" And when it would invariably not be that, I would be bummed that I broke NC.
I should also say that I also felt that way after she initiated contact. After my initial excitement, when the contact itself didn't live up to my expectations, then I felt like crap again. I got to the point where I avoided all of her initiated contact. This was pre cellphone days, but I would let all calls (before caller ID) go to answering machine to screen them.
My life was so much better when I was NC and wasn't responding to her initiated contact.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
KC, in my experience the reason you also feel bad after contacting him is that the contact doesn't end up what you hope it would be.
I know this from experience. With my pre-married, long time on again, off again R. I would reach out hoping she'd say things like "I miss you." "I cant' live without you!" "We can we be together?" And when it would invariably not be that, I would be bummed that I broke NC.
I should also say that I also felt that way after she initiated contact. After my initial excitement, when the contact itself didn't live up to my expectations, then I felt like crap again. I got to the point where I avoided all of her initiated contact. This was pre cellphone days, but I would let all calls (before caller ID) go to answering machine to screen them.
My life was so much better when I was NC and wasn't responding to her initiated contact.
I can see that side of it too...
Its easy for me to feel like all this going to be okay if he is nice, calm and gentle and shares something personal even if its not a positive "your mom did x and that is why this won't work". It was a negative but he shared what he was thinking and he went to on share something else. It tricks my brain to thinking he is leaning in toward me ---- dumb but I'm honest.
But, I'm to the place I just want peace. I fooled myself into thinking that since he hadn't brought up the D in 2 months that it wasn't so important at this point.... WRONG. He thought I should have been "working on it" and he went on about how much time he gave me... but clearly I'm not working on it because I don't want it. I agreed with him and told him he was right.
^^^^ NOW, I see that I'm back to trying to please him. I'm doing the atty work. But, he isn't cooperating or acting happy that I'm getting it done..... so is that pushing me harder to please him??? <<<< Yup, maybe it is.
But, score one for me for not engaging in his texts yesterday. I was business like. I got the docs and there was no reason to fall for his subsequent b*tching.
