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Steve,

I found your update yesterday a very interesting read btw..

Random question - Does your wife know about this site. You contribute to a lot of the posts, and often in great detail. This must take up a considerable amount of time. I know the general rule is we keep this site away from partners etc and its a place to focus on you - But your sitch is different in that you reconciled, and unlike many others who either reconcile or move on, you are still here and , you contribute daily to most active posts. Just curious as to if you wife knows the extent to at which you help others really.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Plus I see the board as a "pay it forward" thing. Knowing how other LBS feel and the struggle they are in to do what feels natural but harms their situations and themselves, it makes it quite easy to stick around to give encouragement, advice and reflection. If I can help one LBS see their sitch more clearly, and how DBing can help them then I feel it is a net positive.


It really is appreciated, Steve (and ditto to all the vets who also share their insights).

Hope your W is okay now. Even this post taught me something - I've been a 'up you hop, you can do it' type too.

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Originally Posted by MrBrside
Steve,

I found your update yesterday a very interesting read btw..

Random question - Does your wife know about this site. You contribute to a lot of the posts, and often in great detail. This must take up a considerable amount of time. I know the general rule is we keep this site away from partners etc and its a place to focus on you - But your sitch is different in that you reconciled, and unlike many others who either reconcile or move on, you are still here and , you contribute daily to most active posts. Just curious as to if you wife knows the extent to at which you help others really.


Yes and no.

She has seen it on my browser. Whether she has ever visited here or not I am not sure. I do not think she has. Because she has seen it she does know that I am active here. It was probably a good year, year-and-a-half before she discovered this site on my browser.

The no is because I do not think she knows the extent that I try to help others here. Maybe she does if she ever visited, but she has never said anything to me. What I can say is that the information around my own sitch are things she pretty much already knows. We have had a lot of discussions in the months since we started Ring and piecing, about many of the things I post here in my own sitch. She was very instrumental in the progress with my D. She scheduled therapy sessions for the three of us, she had discussions with my D about how she needed to let go of how I used to be and to give me another chance.

So yes, she knows I spend time here. But I do not know to the extent she has read things here.


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Originally Posted by Steve85
The feeling is mostly gone now. My W had an accident around the house (minor but painful) so I sprung into H action. This is a 180 for me. In the past I would have told her to shake it off. You know locker room, "get back out there" kind of stuff. But I am past that now. So I fixed I helped her with treatment, and then fixed what caused her accident. One of the things my W has always expressed is wanting to feel taken care of, so I am glad I can accommodate that now after years of the "buck up" mentality.

So I think I am confused Steve. Did this cause you to have feeling of doubt?

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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Steve85
The feeling is mostly gone now. My W had an accident around the house (minor but painful) so I sprung into H action. This is a 180 for me. In the past I would have told her to shake it off. You know locker room, "get back out there" kind of stuff. But I am past that now. So I fixed I helped her with treatment, and then fixed what caused her accident. One of the things my W has always expressed is wanting to feel taken care of, so I am glad I can accommodate that now after years of the "buck up" mentality.

So I think I am confused Steve. Did this cause you to have feeling of doubt?


No this caused me to jump into action, and therefore the feeling subsided and hasn't been back since.

Last edited by Steve85; 07/09/20 01:42 PM.

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Ok Steve lets work through this with some honesty and perspective that I see in your sitch. It seems like every 6 months or so you have doubts so let’s get to the root cause.

Below are IMO reconciliation musts for a successful reconciliation.

As for number 1, I can’t really say other then I know she’s a stay at home mom of a 17 year old daughter. It doesn’t seem by your posts that she goes out of her way to please you by keeping a clean house which I think she knows by now is to your likening. I also know you feel you always have to be on so that doesn’t sound like you view it as her seeing you as high value. Being on all the time can be exhausting.

As for number 2, she really has no way of knowing that because you have never separated.

As for number 3, pretty sure that never happened. You begged and pleaded after the first two EAs and kind of glossed over EA3.

So that kind of brings us to the last paragraph and I think deep down inside this is what you fear.

Am I off?

SUCESSFUL RECONCILIATION MUSTS
1) She sees you as someone of extremely high value
2) She views a relationship with you as something much better than a life with someone else or a life alone
3) She's willing to work to win you

Without those three things, she's going to walk again down the line, because she really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together.

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LH, interesing perspectives, as always with you. Thanks for the resposnes.

I did not gloss over EA3, though it was not really much of an EA as EAs go. The first two she was in deep. The one you are talking about from last year was more of "liking the attention". She had no problem ending it, gave me full transparency, and was very remorseful and even grovelled. That is why I "glossed over it", because she did all the work in that one. I simply stated, "I refuse to be involved in having to constantly check up on you". It was amazing the difference in how I approached it and in turn how she approached it. I know it may have looked like I "glossed over it" but that was not the case. My detachment took over. I was never sad, angry, or emotional in any way. I simple drew a line in the sand and said "either you are in or out", and she fell over herself to prove to me she was in. And her behavior has been consistent since then.

I do take issue with your "successful reconciliation musts". Not because they aren't musts, because they are. But reconciliation is not something you ever go "okay, it is successful! NEXT!" It is a WiP. Forever. You cautioned me to be careful since I've never been through a D on how I characterize it, so I will push that back at you. You've never R'd so tread lightly.

However, the musts are true. A WiP reconciliation must have those things....and more for continued success!

What I can tell you, is there indiscretion last year proved to me that 1-3 are there. She does view me of someone of extremely high value. She does view her relationship with me as better than with someone else or alone. And she is willing to work with me to win.

I could spend plenty of time on those 3 and how they are present, but to be honest, I do not need to. I know they are there now, and that is good enough for me.

As far as the other "issues" you bring up, she has made leaps and bounds in a lot of areas, including housekeeping. Will she ever be the neat freak, anal retentive OCD level that I am at? Absolutely not, but I have no complaints as she has 180'd nicely on keeping house over the last couple of years.

And I think you misunderstood what I meant by "always being on". This is not something that I have to do to please her. This is related to me and my 180s. When the old man starts to rear its ugly head, I have to tamp it done. Just like our trip a couple of weeks ago, that night at the hotel after a 14 hour road trip, my D started doing some light complaining about things. The old Steve85 started to surface...the angry bitter "I just spent 14 hours in a driver's seat don't mess with me!" guy. After a trip to the restroom I came out and calmly apologized to my D for being grumpy. THAT is what I am talking about...always having to check myself when I have a moment of slipping into being someone that I don't ever want to be again. Not for my W. Not for my D. BUT FOR ME! They are just the beneficiaries of that commitment to myself.

Thanks LH, as always you make me think...and I appreciate that.


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Originally Posted by Steve85
I do take issue with your "successful reconciliation musts". Not because they aren't musts, because they are. But reconciliation is not something you ever go "okay, it is successful! NEXT!" It is a WiP. Forever. You cautioned me to be careful since I've never been through a D on how I characterize it, so I will push that back at you. You've never R'd so tread lightly.

This is actually inaccurate. I did recon for 1.5 years after the first bomb drop but she was unwilling to do 1,2, or 3 so it was just a stay of execution and I put myself through misery for an extra 18 months. That's why I give out the advice to others to help prevent them for making the same mistakes. Most people don't change unless they truly value the things they are trying to keep in their lives.

I am glad your W is doing all those things. I guess you are just having bad days like most married people and not waiting for the other shoe to drop.

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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Steve85
I do take issue with your "successful reconciliation musts". Not because they aren't musts, because they are. But reconciliation is not something you ever go "okay, it is successful! NEXT!" It is a WiP. Forever. You cautioned me to be careful since I've never been through a D on how I characterize it, so I will push that back at you. You've never R'd so tread lightly.

This is actually inaccurate. I did recon for 1.5 years after the first bomb drop but she was unwilling to do 1,2, or 3 so it was just a stay of execution and I put myself through misery for an extra 18 months. That's why I give out the advice to others to help prevent them for making the same mistakes. Most people don't change unless they truly value the things they are trying to keep in their lives.

I am glad your W is doing all those things. I guess you are just having bad days like most married people and not waiting for the other shoe to drop.


I would argue that it was never true R, but merely a prolonging of your sitch.

I too made the same mistakes in EA#1 from 2005. Neither of us did work. The result was a repeat 12 years later. I was not about to make the same mistake this time.


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Originally Posted by Steve85
I would argue that it was never true R, but merely a prolonging of your sitch.

LOL. That's my point exactly because I didn't have musts 1,2,3.

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