#17 - Being the best H and father I can be!

[KitCat]

Hey guys, yes things are fine. This shelter in place stuff has me going stir crazy so I've been out on the property a lot. I'm on temporary furlough so been staying off the laptop and been outside as much as the weather permits. Being doing things around the house when I can't be in the property. Appreciate you guys checking in with me.

On the marriage front, things are absolutely great. I can't imagine being quarantined together before when things were so bad. Everything happens for a reason.

Amazing to hear!!!! Sorry about the temporary furlough but there are so many in that boat. I wonder how long it will take the economy to recover from all this? Months?? Years??

[neffer]

Great to read you Steve.

Stay strong there!

[Mach40]

Right on Steve. Glad things are working for ya. This house confinement thing is definitely causing people to get stir crazy. But, our yards and homes look great.

[Liz11]

Hey guys, yes things are fine. This shelter in place stuff has me going stir crazy so I've been out on the property a lot. I'm on temporary furlough so been staying off the laptop and been outside as much as the weather permits. Being doing things around the house when I can't be in the property. Appreciate you guys checking in with me.

On the marriage front, things are absolutely great. I can't imagine being quarantined together before when things were so bad. Everything happens for a reason.

Glad to hear things are going well, Steve. I find myself debating a lot whether the quarantine and the isolation that comes with it during a seperation is good for this process or compounds it, but I certainly agree with you that a full quarantine with a spouse who wants to leave might cause some real problems.

[SteveLW]

So I mentioned in Bluesea's thread that I was having "one of those days". Not really sure how to describe it but I just was having a feeling of, blah. Like now that we are well over 2 years into this Ring and piecing, I am questioning if I made the right choice again. Can't really put my finger on it, there have been no specific incidents or problems, just a general feeling of malaise and unhappiness.

First, things with my D, now 17, are really improved. Other than we she is beefing with her BFF (like she is right now), our relationship is greatly improved. We just did a road trip for a family wedding a few states away (wedding was delayed 3 months due to corona), and we got along great. Being an only child she will always have a sense of entitlement and be a bit spoiled, but the anger and venom she had towards me 2 years ago seems to be gone.

My W and I also are getting along well. We are better than we have been in all of our marriage. We are team, we recently got new furniture for the house (after old house finally sold a few months ago!), and we've been working well together on other things that relate to the house, etc.

But as I've said before, Ring and piecing is difficult. I think it is even more difficult than Ding. Ding is like ripping off a bandaid. It hurts but then the healing begins. Ring and piecing is like putting on a bandaid, ripping it off, over and over and over again. It is work. And it is hard, arduous, difficult work that requires you to be ON all the time. There is a lot of "waiting for the other shoe to drop" on both sides. The WAS keeps looking at the LBS wondering if one slip up is the start of the old behaviors returning. And there is obvious trust issues going the other way from the LBS to WAS. After 2 years and 3 months of official RIng and piecing I can honestly say that it is still a work in progress. And I am beginning to believe that it will be for the rest of our lives together.

So if you are in a position as a LBS, where you get a choice to walk away yourself, or move to Ring and piecing, consider carefully what you want. Because if you think "oh we work through this and things go back to normal in a few weeks or months or years", think again. I know the phrase "new normal" is way over used in this current COVID world, but your MR will never go back to a previous normal, ever again.

[BenB]

Just wanted to say thank you for sharing this Steve! This is more valuable information than I have read in a long time and very important for all LBS to read and think about.

[Kind18]

Steve, you are a fountain of knowledge.

[Core]

So I mentioned in Bluesea's thread that I was having "one of those days". Not really sure how to describe it but I just was having a feeling of, blah. Like now that we are well over 2 years into this Ring and piecing, I am questioning if I made the right choice again. Can't really put my finger on it, there have been no specific incidents or problems, just a general feeling of malaise and unhappiness.

Sorry to hear about the uneasiness Steve. I think anyone and everyone whom goes through the process will have these days where the pain, doubts, distrusts or anything unaddressed perks right back up. Especially if there was a trigger whether conscious or not. Hoosjim felt the same at times according to some of his feedback. Someone here wrote that the LBS may always have doubts. Here's my thoughts on that....any relationship can end at any moment. The difference im someone like you is that you dont ignore that fact. Its much easier to feel secure and believe D can never happen to us, or that our spouse wont stray. In the end, it happens to at least half of us. You knowing this have the advantage over a blind fool. You actively battle yourself and your demons to make a best life, lowering the chances of poor outcomes.

First, things with my D, now 17, are really improved. Other than we she is beefing with her BFF (like she is right now), our relationship is greatly improved. We just did a road trip for a family wedding a few states away (wedding was delayed 3 months due to corona), and we got along great. Being an only child she will always have a sense of entitlement and be a bit spoiled, but the anger and venom she had towards me 2 years ago seems to be gone.

Glad to hear about the improvement.

But as I've said before, Ring and piecing is difficult. I think it is even more difficult than Ding. Ding is like ripping off a bandaid. It hurts but then the healing begins. Ring and piecing is like putting on a bandaid, ripping it off, over and over and over again. It is work. And it is hard, arduous, difficult work that requires you to be ON all the time. There is a lot of "waiting for the other shoe to drop" on both sides. The WAS keeps looking at the LBS wondering if one slip up is the start of the old behaviors returning. And there is obvious trust issues going the other way from the LBS to WAS. After 2 years and 3 months of official RIng and piecing I can honestly say that it is still a work in progress. And I am beginning to believe that it will be for the rest of our lives together.

So if you are in a position as a LBS, where you get a choice to walk away yourself, or move to Ring and piecing, consider carefully what you want. Because if you think "oh we work through this and things go back to normal in a few weeks or months or years", think again. I know the phrase "new normal" is way over used in this current COVID world, but your MR will never go back to a previous normal, ever again.

This is good information Steve. If religion isn't a factor and there are no kids involved, I think this is why it is beneficial for some to go for the D if trust is too far gone. Not worth the lifelong struggle in some cases. When kids are involved or both spouses agree to make it work, I think its a battle worth fighting. (Sans abuse). The stats about couples who go through hell and fight through it, finding happiness 5 years later is promising.

[LH19]

Ok. I am going to challenge you here Steve.

Can't really put my finger on it, there have been no specific incidents or problems, just a general feeling of malaise and unhappiness.

Pretty sure 97% of all long-term marriages go through these periods

First, things with my D, now 17, are really improved. Other than we she is beefing with her BFF (like she is right now), our relationship is greatly improved. We just did a road trip for a family wedding a few states away (wedding was delayed 3 months due to corona), and we got along great. Being an only child she will always have a sense of entitlement and be a bit spoiled, but the anger and venom she had towards me 2 years ago seems to be gone.

This is great news and is a testament of your hard work

My W and I also are getting along well. We are better than we have been in all of our marriage.

I guess this is where I get confused on what the problem exactly is right now

But as I've said before, Ring and piecing is difficult. I think it is even more difficult than Ding. Ding is like ripping off a bandaid. It hurts but then the healing begins.

Have you ever gone through a divorce Steve? Ever been mandated by the courts that you can only see your children half the time? Tread lightly my friend.

Ring and piecing is like putting on a bandaid, ripping it off, over and over and over again. It is work.

Marriage is hard work. Maybe you can explain more

And it is hard, arduous, difficult work that requires you to be ON all the time.

I think you feel you are not enough and you need to be on all the time or else she will start to look for the external validation again. Did she work through that in IC? If she did then you shouldn't have to worry about being on all the time.

There is a lot of "waiting for the other shoe to drop" on both sides. The WAS keeps looking at the LBS wondering if one slip up is the start of the old behaviors returning.

Sounds like mindreading to me

And there is obvious trust issues going the other way from the LBS to WAS. After 2 years and 3 months of official RIng and piecing I can honestly say that it is still a work in progress. And I am beginning to believe that it will be for the rest of our lives together.

Well Steve that is what happens when you choose to stay married to someone who has lied and cheated. You use those exact statements on the board all the time

So if you are in a position as a LBS, where you get a choice to walk away yourself, or move to Ring and piecing, consider carefully what you want. Because if you think "oh we work through this and things go back to normal in a few weeks or months or years", think again. I know the phrase "new normal" is way over used in this current COVID world, but your MR will never go back to a previous normal, ever again.

I thought the whole idea of DB was to get to a marriage 2.0 and not go back to the previous normal. Seems to me you are living the DB dream or is there something you are not telling us?

[SteveLW]

LH, not sure I can disagree with anything you are saying! Thanks for the challenges. I readily admit that I am not sure what the problem is. Like I said I can't put a finger on it. Maybe just something going on with me. Maybe it is WFH 100% of the time due to corona. Maybe it is some external pressures from extended family. I will continue to process it.

LH, also didn't mean to suggest D was easy. But I think the LBSs here fear it so much and think Ring and piecing is all that. While I've never been through a D I've been close to many that have. Most have moved on and been happier afterward. But no, I haven't been through it. Though I did study the topic extensively through my sitch to be ready for it.

Thanks for the responses guys. Core, it can definitely be worth it, but there will always be a piece of me that wonders what my life could have been post D. I think that is probably normal.