I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 19

[Thornton]

Hey Kit,

I have a female friend with the same issue. She uses Rogaine (the men's version is better) and it is very effective for her. He doctor has approved her using it as well. It took about 6 months for it to start working, but once it did, her hair came back and she no longer has an issue.

[KitCat]

Hey Kit,

I have a female friend with the same issue. She uses Rogaine (the men's version is better) and it is very effective for her. He doctor has approved her using it as well. It took about 6 months for it to start working, but once it did, her hair came back and she no longer has an issue.

Good to know. Did she have to stop taking the AD's?

I have a Dr appointment next week and even though I had labs done 5month ago they are going to run them again.

Keeping fingers crossed that I can make this better!

[Thornton]

Nope, she continued taking her Prozac and had no side effects.

[SteveLW]

Overall my stress level is WAY WAY WAY down from initial BD, but I continue to lose CLUMPS of hair daily!!!!

Now I already suffer from hormonal/age related thinning of hair and have over the last 25yr. But, the hairloss I had been experiencing had slowed down dramatically until now... and seriously its CLUMPS of hair daily.

It seems to be a side effect of the AD - which starts at the 2-4mo mark after taking.... uhm... HELLO!!! That is the time it started happening.

Now, supposedly its reversible BUT I already struggle with hormonal/age hair thinning so I'm quite anxious if it will actually be reversible.

Am I ready to stop the AD? IDK. Overall I feel better but I still have moments that I just want to cry my eyes out and I know the reason that I don't is the AD's make crying more difficult but not impossible.

Do not stop the ADs. Do so only under medical supervision and the way they advise. Stopping ADs can result in suicidal thoughts. It is better to be bald than to be dead. KC please schedule a DRs appointment. I'd also highly highly highly suggest getting a complete analysis with a psychiatrist. Notice, I didn't say psychologist. Psychiatrist are medical doctors and they know ADs inside and out. A complete evaluation with a psychiatrist will make sure you are on the right AD, at the right dosage, etc. He'll even order blood work to help with this prescription writing.

NOTE, this is not about therapy! I know you are resistant to that, this is about brain chemistry, stress, depression and medication. If you are seeing physiological signs (hair loss, etc) of any combination of those things, then a medical doctor trained in the science of brain chemistry and medications to control it will do you wonders.

[SteveLW]

Hey Kit,

I have a female friend with the same issue. She uses Rogaine (the men's version is better) and it is very effective for her. He doctor has approved her using it as well. It took about 6 months for it to start working, but once it did, her hair came back and she no longer has an issue.

Good to know. Did she have to stop taking the AD's?

I have a Dr appointment next week and even though I had labs done 5month ago they are going to run them again.

Keeping fingers crossed that I can make this better!

Sorry, saw this after my last post. If you are not seeing a psychiatrist then my suggestion still stands.

[KitCat]

So I have a little hope for the hairloss issue... For now I will continue taking AD's but if I"m honest I only tend to take them about 5 out of 7 days. I truly got a benefit from them in the first 2months but now I'm not so sure - I don't tend to notice much on the days I don't take them.

I am noticing on the days where I am lazy and allow more sugar in my diet - specifically sodas I get terrible abdominal discomfort.... need to get off my lazy bum and do better again with my diet!!!

Confession Time:

So in my lifetime I have had 4 other major long term relationships (ok well, the 4th one wasn't really that long and perhaps I shouldn't count it....) ANYWAY, I have never ever ever poured the work into myself as I have and am doing with my M. I never looked inward. I took into account how the things I did were perceived by someone else. Never took a moment to see how I could have been different. How I could be different moving forward. Never took ownership of the things that caused pain in the relationship. Now, don't take that to mean I was indifferent or didn't feel I had fault but I don't think I understood anything about when you change yourself it can have profound affect on others.

I also made very classic mistakes in my past - chased, pursued, begged. I did all kinds of PUSH behaviors until the door was not only closed but 10 dead bolts were put in place.

Now, have I called/texted when I didn't have to be doing so - yes... Have I said "you know this isn't what I want?" more than one - yes ((last time was 8 weeks ago))... So I've NOT been perfect... But, I have put more work into making sure that I am not text bombarding, email bombarding or call bombarding. I have been trying to focus on giving time and space. Focusing on not being a presence in his life at all --- there can be no feeling of loss if I'm available for a weekly text check in, there can be no mystery or curiosity, there can be no attraction rebuilt.

My male bff has commented on how much different I am. He can see the work I've put into myself AND I remind him I'm only getting started. That I have more things to work on to truly "get it". One of the biggest compliments I get from him ---- "if his wife had done the work that I'm doing they would still be married". His wife had a lot of personal issues/demons that she was not dealing with - had she taken the responsibility he would have reconciled. Sadly she lost her life and my male bff continues to mourn her loss.

So I ask myself "why now? why change now?" --- I think someone else asked that of me too... lol. Because I realize living life like its my way or hit the hiway is a terrible way to live. AND, to quote someone else again - a life lived in fear in no life worth living. I understand and accept that I have the ability to grow and be a better person. Understanding the reason behind an emotion has helped me greatly. I always felt anger was a personal attack that you're not good enough or some type of contempt but when I see its true source - deep pain... and the understanding that the greatest risk to a M is unresolved anger (pain)... it all makes sense.

^^^ That is what I want to change. Why now? - Because I didn't have the tools to see how hard and desperate things were. Why change now? - Because I don't want to continue in anger and pain. And, if anything can make things better - its this. I can be better. I have let myself down but I am capable of better.

[SteveLW]

I never looked inward. I took into account how the things I did were perceived by someone else. Never took a moment to see how I could have been different. How I could be different moving forward. Never took ownership of the things that caused pain in the relationship. Now, don't take that to mean I was indifferent or didn't feel I had fault but I don't think I understood anything about when you change yourself it can have profound affect on others.

also made very classic mistakes in my past - chased, pursued, begged. I did all kinds of PUSH behaviors until the door was not only closed but 10 dead bolts were put in place.
.

KC, this is classic, low self-esteem behavior. You've allowed yourself to be defined by how others perceive you, rather than knowing your own self worth. Childhood traumas usually are the underlying reasons for this. Alcoholic parents. Abusive fathers (either to a mother or the kids themselves). Sexual abuse by an adult.

My W struggled with the same for much of her life. And the behaviors you describe were exactly what she used to describe.

I can tell you that these things are NOT easily overcome by the victims themselves. It takes support groups. Therapy. A lot of self-awareness that doesn't come easily.

Of course, admission is the first step towards recovery. However, I'm afraid these charges, without the tools to really and truly overcome them, are still just an effort to get your husband back and that if that were to happen, or if down the line you end up with someone else, those old scars and wounds would resurface and the behaviors would return.

My dad's family all suffered from traumas related to my grandfather's alcoholism, abuse, and eventual suicide. His two surviving sisters continue to struggle with self-esteem issues due to it not being resolved. One puts her worth in living in houses that her and her husband cannot afford. The other suffers from delusions of grandeur. These are manifestations of their efforts to compensate. One thing common with them? They both now speak of their lives and upbringing in terms of perfection. And they refuse to seek help. IE denial.

Anyway, I know I shared the above in passing before. Take this for what's it worth.

Peace KC. I pray you find the inner peace you seek.

[Andy88]

For now I will continue taking AD's but if I"m honest I only tend to take them about 5 out of 7 days. I truly got a benefit from them in the first 2months but now I'm not so sure - I don't tend to notice much on the days I don't take them.

You shouldn't skip days like this, or judge effectiveness based on skipping a day. Most AD take a week or two to build up in your system. They also take a week or two to run out of your system. So one day skipped is not the same as if you weren't taking them. Also, skipping around like that can be havoc on your body. You really would benefit from taking them regularly as prescribed and only changing or not taking them based on consulting your doctor.

[KitCat]

KC, this is classic, low self-esteem behavior. You've allowed yourself to be defined by how others perceive you, rather than knowing your own self worth. Childhood traumas usually are the underlying reasons for this. Alcoholic parents. Abusive fathers (either to a mother or the kids themselves). Sexual abuse by an adult.

My W struggled with the same for much of her life. And the behaviors you describe were exactly what she used to describe.

I can tell you that these things are NOT easily overcome by the victims themselves. It takes support groups. Therapy. A lot of self-awareness that doesn't come easily.

Of course, admission is the first step towards recovery. However, I'm afraid these charges, without the tools to really and truly overcome them, are still just an effort to get your husband back and that if that were to happen, or if down the line you end up with someone else, those old scars and wounds would resurface and the behaviors would return.

My dad's family all suffered from traumas related to my grandfather's alcoholism, abuse, and eventual suicide. His two surviving sisters continue to struggle with self-esteem issues due to it not being resolved. One puts her worth in living in houses that her and her husband cannot afford. The other suffers from delusions of grandeur. These are manifestations of their efforts to compensate. One thing common with them? They both now speak of their lives and upbringing in terms of perfection. And they refuse to seek help. IE denial.

Interesting - but I have no childhood trauma. Neither of my parents or immediate family or alcoholics... (at least not during my childhood) I don't feel a victim of anything.

Now I did mention early how I experienced as a child a serious injury my father sustained while riding a motorbike when I was a small child as influencing my interaction with my H on his motorbike. BUT, keep in mind it was years before my dad rode a motorbike again, however when he did I was in high school. It became the form of transportation that my dad would take me on the motorbike to summer school (yes, I was that nerd and took summer school on purpose!) or to band practice nightly. I was quite comfortable on the back of the bike with my dad - we always rode through town to do extra errands. So --- my fear was not the motorbike itself but my H not wanting to wear a helmet but that was his choice as a grown adult and I did not respect that.

But, seriously - I had a wonderful childhood. My parents were lower middle class and we had a beautiful home in a nice trendy neighborhood. My mom was overly involved as a den leader, girl scout leader, band parent ( my bff had parents that literally never even went to a parent teacher conference). I was a daddy's girl!!!! Both sacrificed so that I could have the best experiences - I traveled Europe for 30 days at 17yr old as part of a youth band group. I was able to to go college.

I will admit that I was painfully shy. I mean painfully shy!!!! Into my sophmore year at college I became more open and relaxed with a small group of friends who all admitted they thought I was the biggest snob because I was so quiet.

I took my lack of working at self improvement to be that I was too self centered??? That I was stuck on the idea of what it needed to be in my head rather than being flexible to what it really needed to develop to be??? I don't know if I am explaining that right.

I can see your point about that knowing something and putting something to use are two different things but I will argue that now that my eyes have been open to the simple mistakes I was making that left my H feeling unheard, disrespected and unloved that I have implemented big changes and have seen the results.

The other day S19 came to me with a solution to something. I had a better idea but rather than tell him what to do I just said okay to his idea. He came back short time later and stated he was instead going to do it X way (which was the idea I was going to tell him to do). I just smiled and told him that was a great solution. I let go of control. I was able to let him work it out himself and he was able to to come to the right decision in the end anyway.

I'm learning to let go of control. I'm focusing on validating how other people feel rather than defend my position. I'm aware that I bring defensiveness to the table and need to work on NOT doing that. I recognizing that my M ended because someone didn't feel respected. Its such irony because I can list 2pages of things I respect about my H but my actions are what mattered not my heart.

THIS IN NO WAY excuses what my H brought to the table ---- but I cannot focus on that because I cannot control or change that. I'm not trying to take on the failure of my M is because of all the things I didn't do but listing his faults or short comings or where he could be better seems pointless because they are not under my control.

And, I do freely admit that I'm still holding out hope for my M, but I recognize the changes I am making are for me to be a better person with all the people in my life. I'm still hoping for the best but better prepared for the worst.

[KitCat]

For now I will continue taking AD's but if I"m honest I only tend to take them about 5 out of 7 days. I truly got a benefit from them in the first 2months but now I'm not so sure - I don't tend to notice much on the days I don't take them.

You shouldn't skip days like this, or judge effectiveness based on skipping a day. Most AD take a week or two to build up in your system. They also take a week or two to run out of your system. So one day skipped is not the same as if you weren't taking them. Also, skipping around like that can be havoc on your body. You really would benefit from taking them regularly as prescribed and only changing or not taking them based on consulting your doctor.

I understand this... but I'm also human. I've never had to to take daily medication before and well sometimes I just forget.