To be more specific you are a Type A control freak with an anxious attachment style. You husband on the other hand is an avoidant. So here is what happens:
Affairs are acts of anger -- he has built up a ton of resentment toward you, and since he's avoidant, he hasn't given voice to any of it or worked any of it through.
Once people have affairs, they *initially* feel guilty and will beat themselves up about it, but eventually self-protection takes over and they refuse to believe that they are bad people.
So if he's not a bad person, then the reason he did a bad thing must have been because *you* drove him to it, you made him do it, and therefore *you* are the bad person and he is the victim.
Once he gets there, he'll seek any evidence to reinforce his viewpoint and will reject anything that contradicts it. That's why he will vilify you and nothing you do will be good. You simply can't win because he's an expert at confirmation bias at this point.
Virtually no one gets any real remorse -- the wayward spouse will feel sorry for themselves for "how you made them feel" about the affair, but they won't really feel remorse for their actions because they convince themselves that they were justified and that you were to blame.
I see a lot of truth here.
My H couldn't say no to me.... sometimes I just wanted him to say no.
When it was really time to think about moving rather than hear me talk about this project or that project I wish he just would have said - its time to go. I need to have a shorter commute. I'm really struggling with stress and I agreed to stay until S18 was out of high school... its time to go. I just needed that firm hand.
But, i appreciate all the help. I cannot go back and no amount of lamenting of what could have been is going to happen. My H fell out of love with me.
I have to work on my coping mechanisms. My H is NOT my support system anymore. (THIS IS THE HARDEST PART). I have to start living life without my H because as everyone pointed out he is not coming back.
Thankful for all the pushes in the right direction.
I'm finally realizing that no matter what I do... its controlling and manipulative. Even when I'm doing what he asked me to do.
His last words to me... email your atty and get me a settlement offer. So why when I do exactly that and had to ask for some documents he gets upset telling me I don't ever listen to him but that's okay he's used to me ignoring him by now.
WTH... [me doing massive eyeroll].
I'm sure LH will interpret for me.
I'm glad I can finally see that the ONLY thing I can do that is not going to be percieved as controlling and manipulating is doing nothing... sigh.
I gathering docs and contacting atty to get the S agreement going. His verbal agreement does appear to favor me greatly. So it would be dumb for me to drag out and have him change his mind. Don't worry my atty will need to approve of everything.
H is getting resentful that he is paying for timeshare (he bought it) and S18 car. His truck need $$$$ work. Stated if he had $700 more a month he could buy a new truck or could have bought a bigger house.
Of course I'm thinking... well if you were with a woman with higher earning potential you could have had all that... wait you did... you had a bigger house and I told him to go buy the truck he wanted.
Maybe he is seeing a tiny bit of the grass isnt greener... but I understand I'm still being blamed for that.
In need to write out over and over.... do nothing... do nothing... anything you do is seen as controlling and manipulating him. Let him go... let him go...
His last words to me... email your atty and get me a settlement offer. So why when I do exactly that and had to ask for some documents he gets upset telling me I don't ever listen to him but that's okay he's used to me ignoring him by now.
He just needs to justify to himself that this is exactly why he is do this to give himself some relief from the guilt
Originally Posted by KitCat
I'm sure LH will interpret for me.
I'm should start charging for my services lol
Originally Posted by KitCat
I'm glad I can finally see that the ONLY thing I can do that is not going to be percieved as controlling and manipulating is doing nothing... sigh.
By George I think she's got it lol
Originally Posted by KitCat
I gathering docs and contacting atty to get the S agreement going. His verbal agreement does appear to favor me greatly. So it would be dumb for me to drag out and have him change his mind. Don't worry my atty will need to approve of everything.
I agree. Use his guilt and strike when the iron is hot. I got a sweet deal because on my ex's guilt
Originally Posted by KitCat
H is getting resentful that he is paying for timeshare (he bought it) and S18 car. His truck need $$$$ work. Stated if he had $700 more a month he could buy a new truck or could have bought a bigger house.
Poor baby
Originally Posted by KitCat
Of course I'm thinking... well if you were with a woman with higher earning potential you could have had all that... wait you did... you had a bigger house and I told him to go buy the truck he wanted.
He still wouldn't have been happy
Originally Posted by KitCat
Maybe he is seeing a tiny bit of the grass isnt greener... but I understand I'm still being blamed for that.
Too soon. Not yet. But nice try!
Originally Posted by KitCat
In need to write out over and over.... do nothing... do nothing... anything you do is seen as controlling and manipulating him. Let him go... let him go...
He is seeing that the grass isn't greeener. But guess who he is blaming for that? This is standard WAS mentality and behavior.
He is also trying to manipulate you into releasing the FO. I have no doubt that this is what this is all about. He said "email your atty and get me a settlement offer" because he didn't think you'd do it. He thought you would contact him and say "can't we just keep this cordial and keep the attorneys out of it." When you did what he said it irritated him.
But a lot of that is darned if you do, darned if you don't. WSs in particular are notorious for this. Whatever you do will not be good enough. You could say "forget it, here have all of the money" and he would find fault with it. It is part of his narrative to himself to convince himself that what he did was justified and okay. He can't go back to OW and talk about how wonderful his soon-to-be-ex is. He has to be negative to garner the sympathy he wants. To make her think he is the poor put upon victim.
I saw this when a friend of mine had an affair, and she was convinced that her AP was a saint, and that his W was Satan. This was the way she could square with herself that it was okay that she was the OW. "If it wasn't for his daughter and having to pay support, then then he would leave this awful, vile human-being." I happened to know the other side of this and that she wasn't as bad as he was claiming she was. And over time I convinced my friend (this was years ago by the way) the the real villains in all of this was her OM for the lying and cheating he was doing, and her for being the OW and falling for his line of garbage. (And for cheating on her own H to boot.) But this is what cheaters do.
KC, you have been overly accommodating to him. You have been as nice as iced tea on a summer day. So he zeroes in on the few things he can "blame" you for. The FO. Making him drive an old, beater of a truck. Saddling him with the time-share. He has to make you the villain to justify his own devious and evil actions. And to commiserate about with OW. "Now guess what she is making me do!"
The good news is that none of this changes anything you should be doing. And that is remaining NC. Sticking to the rules of NC. And not getting caught up in his crazy.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
H literally said -- I needed to give him back $2200 of the $6800 I took out of joint accts. He was whining and carrying on about it. After complaining that he is struggling and not able to take a vaca.
I simply again stated that I took 1/2 of the $12500 from the emergency fund.. AND 1/2 of his $2600 work bonus (as per my atty instructions) I was matter of fact.
He then turned and stated he wasn't sweating the money... so why bring it up??? I let it go.
He also seriously said that he had X, Y and Z of the bills and that these were the numbers from the retirement acct-- from last March which were just estimates by the way. I was to write something up and that we both sign and I just file it with the county clerk.
WTH???? This man has been through a divorce before. I paid the bills - it cost him less than $1000 for a drawn out contested D.
He insists I bypass by atty that I'm paying for - not him. AND, this is an amicable D. There are no kids involved. Its splitting simple assests. He would only spend $800-1000 and I'll only spend $1500-2000 (I have the best D lawyer in town!!! too bad for him)
So why in the world if he doesn't lawyer up and isn't paying a dime would he insist I bypass my atty???
I clearly told him no. That I'm not against discussing numbers with him but it will go through my atty and will be filed by my atty.
Does he even truly realize that this is just a Separation settlement... this is not an actual D yet. i just wonder what planet he is on.
So far a good day --- 90min massage followed by haircut/color
However have a terrible sinus pain. :-(
I'm going to do some knitting, some reading, some housecleaning. And, later I'm doing a zoom meeting of my knitting friends so a virtual party!!! I'm not going to be spending much time at all on legal stuff because I've got a big weekend ahead.
S18 becomes S19!!! Grad Party and Graduation.
My MIL confirmed today that she will be at the party!!!! Maybe the last time I see her so I hope its a wonderful time.
H literally said -- I needed to give him back $2200 of the $6800 I took out of joint accts. He was whining and carrying on about it.
Well, you know the simple solution. Stop chatting with him. I thought you were going to stay NC, have your attorney draft that settlement agreement, and then send it to him to sign.
Originally Posted by KitCat
So why in the world if he doesn't lawyer up and isn't paying a dime would he insist I bypass my Atty???
To come out ahead? To reduce costs? He's a lying cheater, so it's also within the realm of possibility he is speaking to an attorney, and the calendar business was a fake-out to trick you.
Originally Posted by KitCat
it will go through my atty and will be filed by my Atty.
Overall my stress level is WAY WAY WAY down from initial BD, but I continue to lose CLUMPS of hair daily!!!!
Now I already suffer from hormonal/age related thinning of hair and have over the last 25yr. But, the hairloss I had been experiencing had slowed down dramatically until now... and seriously its CLUMPS of hair daily.
It seems to be a side effect of the AD - which starts at the 2-4mo mark after taking.... uhm... HELLO!!! That is the time it started happening.
Now, supposedly its reversible BUT I already struggle with hormonal/age hair thinning so I'm quite anxious if it will actually be reversible.
Am I ready to stop the AD? IDK. Overall I feel better but I still have moments that I just want to cry my eyes out and I know the reason that I don't is the AD's make crying more difficult but not impossible.
