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Hey wooba,

It is OK to be sad. You've been so incredibly strong through all of this, it probably is hard to have those emotions bubbling back up... but you've got this. It is okay to grieve what you had and who your H was. Don't let his problems erase your good memories of what you had together in the past.

I think your H is very lost and confused and depressed and the alcoholism exacerbates all of that. Hopefully, you can get back to a place where it doesn't matter why he is behaving how he is, or if he was like this before, or will change back at some point... the fact that he is, now, and it isn't acceptable to you, and that is all you really need to know. (Go back and read your own posts from last week!)

Take some space, hug your kids, do something nice with them or just for yourself.

Also, good that your parents are there too... no need to rush into anything, anyway, until you talk to your L.

xoxo M


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Oh Wooba.

Originally Posted by wooba
I was reading about WASes “hitting rock bottom” over in the big d forum. It got me thinking that I have been secretly wishing that there would be one day my H would hit rock bottom and come back from alien land. But maybe he did not turn into an alien, this is the way he truly is. Have I been seeing him through rose-colored glasses all these years? Out of love? I thought he was loving, responsible, considerate, and kind. Do people fundamentally change? I am really sad right now. The fog may never lift or there was never even a fog. I may never understand why he became the man he is today.


I have been having the exact same thoughts about my H lately. My IC really pushed me to ask myself if maybe my H has been this way all along and my rose-colored glasses and emotional enabling made me view him as 'better' than he really was. I have cried and cried since that session. IC may be right. But then again, I am not so sure. I have such strong evidence of the loving, responsible, considerate and kind H of the past decade and a half. Which then leads me to believe that yes, maybe people really do change. And that makes me more sad, to think that H's changes (which I feel like I have supported and facilitated over the years) have made him grow away from me. I am a launching pad, destroyed in the lift-off. Oh, my heart.

All this to say, you are not alone. I am sad too. And I likely will be in your shoes in a few months. And I don't think I will ever understand why my H is the way he is today.

Hugs Wooba.

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Sage, wooba

I’m brand new to the whole thing but wanted to jump in here. Been having these same thoughts about my WW. Am I waiting for her to snap out of this fog or was the fog who she was pretending to be with me and this is who she really was the whole time. Have I been blind to all this because of how much I love her or is the woman I know still in there some where. Tough question to even ask ourselves and probably impossible to find an answer right now. Perhaps time will tell.

Just wanted to offer another affirmation that you’re not alone at all on the confusion and the sadness. I didn’t think there was anyway anyone could understand how deep this was hurting till I found DR and this site. You’re deffinitley not alone.

Hope you guys are doing okay and hanging in there.

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I am trying to coach myself to be okay with feeling sad. I don't know if it's working at the moment. Nothing but hugs and love your way, wooba.


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thanks everyone for replying.

I inadvertently got on the roller coaster ride again lately, so I've been working through my feelings and trying to keep my focus.

I haven't responded to H's last email. He said that I don't need to worry about child support because I have taken enough funds from his account (which is true...I did it anticipating that he would cut me off out of nowhere - which thebn really happened). and then told me to let him know how much I need.

Few days later after sending me that email, he came over and brought me some food as usual. He showed it to me and it was my favorite pasta salad. I burst out in tears.

And then I spent way more time than I should thinking about why the heck he would do that. Did he feel guilty for writing me a mean email? Did he feel guilty for cutting me off? Does this mean he's softened?

meanwhile when I read may's thread and what scout's said about the mindf*ck channels, I wonder if that also applies to my H. rage, charm, and self-pity. I feel like I can see H's behavior following that pattern. Who is my H? Do I really know the real him? Or did I really have my blinders on the whole time? Was I a victim of emotional abuse? I had these questions running around in my mind but I couldn't arrive at a clear answer.

All I remembered was the vets said, "when you are still confused about your WAS, that means they are not back yet." So I stopped thinking about his "making my favorite pasta salad" gesture and decided to go back to my instinct - nothing's changed.

I feel embarrassed (to myself) that I still went through that cycle. I took his gesture to the heart and interpret it to be something entirely out of its own realm.

What is real? What is true? What's real is the love my children and I have for each other. What's true is our actions will match our words (most of the time). We got each other's backs in highs and in lows. We do not desert each other when things get difficult......


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That dang pasta salad. You are allowed to be vulnerable sometimes, to get on and back off the rollercoaster. I get frustrated with myself when I go through a similar cycle, but I am telling you what I should tell myself, which is don't be embarrassed; just let yourself be. I have the same questions you do. I have not come up with any clear answers. I don't know how helpful it is to ask them, but they do seem to be very human, natural questions when things end up this way.

Originally Posted by wooba
What is real? What is true? What's real is the love my children and I have for each other. What's true is our actions will match our words (most of the time). We got each other's backs in highs and in lows. We do not desert each other when things get difficult......


This is lovely. It is real and true. I wonder if the love you had/the version of H from before can also be real and true, even if it/he is now changed. Maybe it was also real and true, and the questions we (now I'm including myself too) are asking ourselves are beside the point now.

Take care of yourself during this tender time, wooba.


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All I have to add is, in the last year my biggest lesson learned is that feelings will settle. (Cardinal- and unanswered questions too...they will fade in and out)

Anger, hopefulness, anxiety, sadness.

It takes practice. It takes accountability. Believe in your core values.

Surround yourself with good people. Good people will build you up. I am very thankful for my family and friends.


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I'm just here to let you know I'm always checking in. I don't have much to say right now. You're in a precarious place. Being done, but still feeling heart broken is a weird space. You are grieving all that could've been vs actual loss. And it's totally ok to be fine one minute, FU the next and immediately following a sobbing mess. But I think we both know what you're heart and head has decided here. He will do things for the rest of the kids' lives that will break you a little bit. Soften you a little bit. Steel you a little bit. The problem that isn't spoken enough around here isn't an inability to detach. It's reconciling knowing you can't love some one any more with knowing how much you used to love them. Every once in a while D17's dad will pop up and want to chat and he brings up and inside joke or a memory from when D17 was small. And all that was, is there for just two seconds and my heart breaks a little that my baby couldn't have these parents 24/7. She got the screaming, crying, ripping doors off the hinge,s holes punched in walls, messy, young parents who were sooooo horrible for each other. When D17 does something that gets recognition or a milestone he takes my hand and whispers in my ear, you did that. And every time I have to fight back the tears. I'd never, never in a million years would take that man back or wish I hadn't left, but in those few and far between moments I feel joy, and pain, and the love I have for him as the father of my child. You are welcome to all of your feelings my dear. Even ones that don't pass quickly, and as you go forward here some might not.
Thinking of you often xoxoxoxoxo

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Originally Posted by wayfarer
It's reconciling knowing you can't love some one any more with knowing how much you used to love them.

This feels like the thing I’ve been scared of that I haven’t been able to put my finger on. This is part of the grief that feels bottomless right now, I think, because it seems like something that will never 100% go away, even if it returns for only two seconds. This is the part that “moving on” doesn’t quite cover. Who knows, I’ve never had to go through something like this, so I don’t know what I’m talking about, but with D moving forward and AP already in the picture, this is where I am right now—grieving that, at least for right now, I can’t love him. Not in the same way.

Wooba, I don’t mean to hijack your thread! It feels to me that you have been grieving a little in this new stage with your H, but you seem much further along than I am in acceptance and in feeling strong in yourself. I think it’s been hard for me to make the progress I would have liked to make while living with him. But you give me hope that I am on my way to a stronger place, even if my road has been/is longer to get there.


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Wayfarer, thank you for sharing that. I can see those little heartbreaks for me as well. This past weekend H spent the most time here with the boys (which means over two hours) since god knows when, when I came back he was cooking in the kitchen. I helped him a bit here and there, we made friendly small talk throughout. It was nice, and I almost wanted to give him a hug. Not a “I love you I want to reconcile” type of hug, but one of those hugs that are given when there’s either too much or nothing left to be said.

The following day he was here as well (I had prior engagements scheduled), and he brought boxes to pack and move out. So I pulled him aside and asked if he could talk to the kids about him packing and moving. Because I know that it would still be a big deal to them to physically see that happening, even though he has already not been living with us for months. I was hoping H would say something like “I will still be here for you, I’m not going anywhere far etc etc”. When I brought that up, H’s defensive side came out again and started blaming me for everything.

H: “I don’t see the point of me talking to them. You’ve already told them everything anyway.” (Again going back to everything that he accuses me of doing)
Me: “I didn’t tell them about divorce. You did. Remember that day in the car? (I then described the chain of events from that day to him)”
H: said something basically meaning I made it up. Didn’t happen that way.
I: Okay. I don’t want to argue about this again. I was just suggesting you could say something to them, it’s ok if you don’t.
H: blah blah blah “you were the one who told me to move out!!!”

Ugh. Lesson learned. He can do easy, non-threatening, logistic-related, surface conversations. But the minute I remotely try to get in there and discuss something of substance, the quills are up and ready to stick anyone getting close. I guess I have to scratch discussing the children’s mental health off the list of things we can talk about. Now he is the candy/junk food/fun times dad when he’s here with the kids. He was the one that ALWAYS complained about his parents giving the kids too much junk food.

Moving on.....


Cardinal- for me it’s more realizing that I should no longer love someone who is not willing to move heaven and earth for me. Therefore in the foreseeable future, I for sure will not love him as much as I did.

”Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready.”

- Nayyirah Waheed


BD: Sep 2019
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