background: BD 9/2019, H Moved out 10/2019 (no idea where he is living), 3 children. H: MLC & alcoholism
Originally Posted by may22
On the OW... do you think this is where he's been living? I was skimming through your earlier posts on this thread and it has always seemed a little weird that he left all his clothes and stuff at your place, and never wanted to bring the kids over there.
I don't know, and I don't care to know really. He's moved some more clothes away but a good 90% of his stuff is still here. Not telling me where he lives has become a great example of how crazy this all is.
Originally Posted by may22
On D-- where are you with the financial piece? I recall you saying earlier that you are better off not D-ed financially, at least for now.
well, because we are not currently in the US our situation is more complicated. Steve, if we were in the US, I think I will be able to decide on filing much quicker than now. We currently have separate accounts here, and I have access to his, but he doesn't have access to mine. To have a good D outcome here I will have to hope that he will be reasonable and we can agree on the terms for finance. because if it goes to court then I'd pretty much get nothing. Financially it is better for me to not D because he makes way more than I do and I am still entitled to 50% of that. But this year we are definitely bleeding out a lot of income because he's paying for rent somewhere. his expense is not crazy high but it's up. I have stopped contributing money to the children's 529 and our join investment account because I don't know what the heck is gonna happen. Anyway, so money is definitely what's holding me back too, but I also keep questioning if I am selling my soul to stay in a M for financial security. I have been hustling and trying to establish my own income. As of right now I feel like I can count on him on child support, so the best scenario of 30% child support would def be okay for me, I will just have to learn to adjust my spending. no botox! lol! I am well aware that I am choosing the easy path (not having to worry about money) over doing the right thing (moving on and cutting ties).
Originally Posted by may22
On PA = D, or difficulty admitting what a POS your H is... i have been thinking about this and wondering if that same cognitive dissonance comes into play for us that the WAH is experiencing-- he has to believe that this is true love, or whatever, to justify his actions, plus his W is so terrible, you were never really in love, etc. Whereas I think that maybe something the LBWs are experiencing (and maybe this is a motherhood thing that dads just don't get in the same way) in that we are trained to always put our children first. So PA = D is not so simple anymore when you bring children into the mix, and they most likely will be better off in an R than a D situation. So in order to have this all make sense in our heads, we also have to believe that the M is salvagable, that your H is a flawed human being who has made some devastating mistakes rather than a selfish cheating narcissistic liar who has blown up your life and the lives of your children for his own selfish reasons. I'm not sure that this makes much sense... just is where my head is these days.
I really don't put that much thought into what H is experiencing. I don't care if he thinks it's true love or a one night stand. I don't care if he thinks he was never in love or I am terrible. The fact is that he walked away. OW or not he left his family. I recognized that he is a flawed person. But he is also a selfish cheating liar. May, this might be where we are different, I feel like by seeing the good in your H, your are brushing his bad deeds aside. They coexist. I have a lot of compassion for my H because I know he is so broken inside. But I will not excuse his behavior because he is broken. That is why boundaries are important because ultimately I am responsible for me (and my kids). I need to protect myself. H needs to figure himself out. But I will not keep hanging around and be the collateral damage on his journey of self discovery. And as of right now, I don't think R is better than D for my kids.
Originally Posted by Steve85
I find it so strange how LBSs are so willing to let go of their core values and deal-breakers once the WAS has crossed that line.
I think this is different for everybody. Some people believe that M is salvageable and will hold out hope even if the spouse crosses that line. It's one thing for someone to say AP is a deal breaker before encountering the situation, it's another to actually be in that situation and question whether it is really a deal breaker. There are so many factors. Didn't vets say that affairs is usually manifestation of M problems, but not the cause? If people believe that they can overcome the M problems, it makes sense to hold on to the hope that the affair, the symptom, would go away.
I'm not one of those people though. H is a lying cheater. I know. I think I just need to take some time to strategize. I think to me the biggest hurdle is not the money. It's my nature of avoiding conflict. For some reason I suspect that if I send him D papers, he's not going to happily oblige (having a visiting schedule...money...etc). I have to work up the courage to enter the storm.
Wooba, take how ever much time you need and don't just look at it as the easy way. It's not. At least not when you're not in denial about what's happening. Knowing the extent to which he's a dbag and biding your time while you balance your books and figure out your path forward isn't, not doing the right thing. The right this is what ever is best for you and your kids. You are in such a healthy place emotionally. You're learning how to navigate the single mom life with grace. You are physically and financial separated. And if you aren't feeling pursing the D right now, so be it. You have accepted your marriage is over. You've accepted that you need to move on with your life. You've accepted that H is a walking dumpster fire. You're not in denial. You're not lying to yourself or your kids about where any of this is going by not filing tomorrow. If you're worried about the money and don't want the stress of a D while starting your new business it is totally ok to do nothing. You are self aware. You are self reliant. You are making moves. If in this one aspect you do nothing for a little while, oh well. Choosing to do nothing is doing something. Honestly in your position I'd drag it out as long as I could while I worked on that new life until it was stable on paper or I felt it was stable enough to go for the D. H doesn't seem in that much of a hurry. Take advantage of it. But that's just me. You gotta do you. I just wanted you to know the way I see it waiting isn't the wrong thing. Even if one of your motivators is being conflict avoidant. The right thing is what you feel is right for you right now.
Thank you wayfarer and scout. Wayfarer- thank you for showing me another way to view this.
Well, H moved the ball a bit by emailing me a doc about co-parenting arrangements. Upon receiving it, I saw the door opened. The door for me to walk out. I felt anxious, but relieved. Anyways, I don’t want to go into the detail too much as I am still digesting it myself. Will say more about it later possibly.
Today he came over to see the kids and initiated a talk regarding the kids and money. I was at ease, just listening and validating. And then I zoned out for a few seconds and was just looking at him...his avoidant eyes, the wear on his face...this man whom I love/loved. I just wanted to ask him, “are you okay?”
Well I didn't, instead a couple tears rolled down my face. I let it happen. We kept the conversation going still. In the end I asked if he wants to start taking some more of his stuff away. He didn’t give an answer but just mentioned that he realized that he has a lot of clothes, and noted a few big items that will be difficult to move.
Overall I am grateful that H is acting decent so far. Although I still see a tiny bit of manipulation from his words wanting to draw fear from me (intentionally or not) I am finally at a good place to be bulletproofed from that.
When I envisioned 50/50 visitation before I’ve already tried really hard to let go of my desire of having a lot of time with the kids. Sooner or later I’d have to let go right? It is the hardest thing for me to come to terms with, yet I know having time away from them would be helpful for me to GAL and having my own independence. To find ME again.
Just trying to say positive through this whole ordeal...
wooba, your continued grace, strength, and compassion always inspires me, makes me believe I can get to this bulletproofed place too. Bulletproofed from any manipulation or fear, yes, but not unfeeling. (((wooba)))
well, it seems like things are going to take a turn for the worst.
vets have called it, again - "Divorce while the WAS is full of guilt and feeling generous!!"
January - H: "You can take it all", "I will give you the house"
May - H: "30% child support, I'd like the house, and you can take other accounts equivalent in value."
Now - H: "30% is based on our state, which has no bearing here in this country." , cancelled my credit card, stopped me from accessing his account without notification and written agreement.
Now he is basically blaming me everything for the way things have unfolded. I did ABC....so he had to do XYZ. Yup, again textbook behavior. He has to make me the villain. I can see him blaming me for even taking a breath.
UGH!! This year we're bleeding out so much money that we barely saved anything. A pause on retirement savings....college savings for the children.....everything. I feel very frustrated that this stress is overflowing onto my parents as well. Now they have to worry about whether they can help support me financially in the worst case scenario.
I really just wanted to D and be done with it. But since we are in no man's land (not on US soil), I have very little protection, I might have to rethink my strategy. I'm consulting my L again this week.
I am just shaking my head here. I was thinking that everything seems too non-confrontational and cordial to be true. Now the ugliness is coming out.
I'm not going to respond to his accusations and passive aggressive remarks in his email. There's a part of me that cannot believe that this is happening....and another part of me totally saw this coming.
Wish me luck.....
may - I thought about you today. Your H also seems to be acting friendly and being a good father and all that - might be a good time to D now while he is confused and feeling extremely guilty, than to wait until he decided to act differently. Not that he will, but there is always a possibility. just my 2 cents.
I'm so sorry this is happening. But if IIRC there have been times in the past where he's flashed this ugly side (isn't he an attorney? I seem to remember some points where he was saying things about how he knew the law and you didn't, or something?) I might recommend just not responding for a bit and yes, once you do, ignoring the ridiculous parts. And absolutely, consult your L to make sure you're as protected as possible. Are you planning to live abroad forever? Is there no way you can file in your home state?
I've been thinking the same thing about the leverage I have in moving now on D vs later. However, I also think that at least with my H, the likelihood (especially if I was at all contentious, got Ls involved, etc) is that the "deal" we've been talking about where I get the house and primary physical custody, was always too good to be true and it wouldn't end up that way once we got down to brass tacks. That is one of the reasons i've been thinking about a more informal post-nup to get things in writing now. My biggest thing is time with the kids, but I also know that custody arrangements can be altered at any time, so even if he is OK with this arrangement now, it is likely to change in the future. And I honestly can't imagine him being OK with less time with the kids.
You are incredibly strong, you know. This is a blip and you'll get through it. Don't let his swings affect you.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Dear wooba. I'm so sorry to hear that your H has decided to change his attitude, at least for the moment. And cancel your credit card and remove access to his account without a discussion. Ugh. I know how you feel about adding to your parents' stress as well. It seems he might be desperate to have some control over something, and as you counseled me once, money can give him that sense of power. It's good that you have the L consult scheduled--focus on that, which will hopefully reveal some options for you.
Pretty sure I missed the boat on my H feeling guilty, which was pretty much only for a week or two after BD if that, though even then he felt entitled to the house. I try not to worry about what the future holds with that or imagine looking back and wishing he would have acted quickly on the D, because, again, he chooses his behavior, and that is true of your H too. So try not to spend too much time thinking about the past.
Like may, I was thinking your H has tended to last out at times and act the bully and then settle down again for a bit. This may be the case again. You are cool and calm in response. What is that Jack_Three_Beans sticky in MLC land? The MLCer is going to swing around, but you are not going to be there to get hit. You've already got that down. ((wooba))
I really do forgive and forget sometimes, if I did not journal I would have forgotten all about the times H’s ugliness reared its head.
May- with our M in pieces, it would be better for me to stay abroad until the kids finish hs. My family is here to help. And expenses are significantly lower. If I have to move back to get a good settlement.....that could be an option but the logistics would be difficult for the kids and myself. But I’m not ruling it out. To file in my home state I’d have to move back and stay for at least 6 months to reestablish residency.
I was reading about WASes “hitting rock bottom” over in the big d forum. It got me thinking that I have been secretly wishing that there would be one day my H would hit rock bottom and come back from alien land. But maybe he did not turn into an alien, this is the way he truly is. Have I been seeing him through rose-colored glasses all these years? Out of love? I thought he was loving, responsible, considerate, and kind. Do people fundamentally change? I am really sad right now. The fog may never lift or there was never even a fog. I may never understand why he became the man he is today.
