-I found out about my husbands affair on Feb 25th - Everything changed he went from a kind/nice husband to a mean/cruel/distant shadow of the man I once knew. -Spent a few weeks where he was trying to convince me that he could have both of us, he could compartmentalize, it would work. She was the best friend he ever had. -The next month, he made efforts (he said he stopped communicating with her), we were going on walks, talking - really getting along, good conversation - he is impressed at the changes I have made - and says he knows I have really have changed. He would say he loved me. He would say I had so many great qualities, as a person, as a friend. Then after a great Saturday night walking on the beach, Sunday a complete reversal - he was done - its over - he is going to leave - but he didn't. -He says he truly believes I have made fundamental changes, and that things would be better between us, but he does not love me or have that 'emotional' connection any longer. He is leaving. For the time he is here, he will continue to consider us...but he is no longer trying.
He exercises obsessively every day, takes testosterone shots, human growth shots, minoxidil for his hair line - and dressing in concert T shirts like a 20 yr old. And talking to me in a cold tone with cold uncaring eyes. He does not seem to care even for the kids. He is immersed in his affair.
-He went back to seeing the OW, I didn't know, but I caught him sneaking out of the house at night. Then an awful state of open marriage - living under the same roof - while he is in an active EA/PA - staying out all night a couple times of week to be with the OW. But enjoying the family life during the day. It's an open marriage and its painful, and its right in my face. - I finally threatened a 'decision' - this is when he cut it off with the OW. June 11th (Have not seen him go out at night, he says its over. I don't really know) - Biggest change is he is now aware and nice to the kids, and trying hard to be their very best buddy at all costs - He treats me poorly, is unkind and cruel - his pendulum has swung from nice guy to extreme jerk. I try to DB, but I know I am not. Just struggling. His moods are erratic, an MLC is much like a late life puberty.
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
Bluesea, please consult a L and protect yourself (and your kids) financially...Do you have a separate account which H has no access of?
Wooba - thank you! I did consult an L and if it does go to D, there will be a reckoning, a forensic accountant will go thru all the accounts with a fine tooth comb. H was 'gracious' enough to remark that he would be willing to pay me back... half. Don't get me started.
Originally Posted by Wooba
Know that the way H is treating you is NOT okay and you deserve nothing less than to be shown respect and kindness to say the least.
I have to say the above is really confusing to me....LH had said that I just need to eat my $hit sandwiches, so I thought that was what I should be doing. I totally get that - I mean, we landed here (partly) b/c of my crappy wife ways, so all those resentment bricks in his wall against me, I am responsible for... has he completely taken advantage of that and is grinding me into the ground... he definitely is, no doubt. I have some latitude for this, because I feel contrite about the role I played.... but there is a limit. And honestly, I know, deep down he has to go. He has gone over that limit and then manipulates me to reel me back in. I keep moving my own line in the sand. That is all on me.
Originally Posted by May22
I wonder if you and your kids could go stay somewhere else for a week or two, like with a relative or a friend? I think this will give you the space you need to start to relax and figure out what is going on without having him in your face all the time, and with the underlying current of fear that his super erratic and mean behavior is generating. I think you need this in order to be the strong and stable parent like Wooba says.
Hi May - I really don't...I don't have real life folks that know about this situation, and I just can not leave my kids here alone with him either. I would end up stressing more about not being there and what is going on, then focusing on next steps. I actually do have 1 person that knows about this, I asked her about her divorce and she was kind enough to step thru it all for me. I am going to her house tonight, she has an uncanny ability to center me. Without reading all this DB techniques, she was well versed on all of it. I had one talk with her and she got me to the mental point of addressing him about leaving (then poof he got rid of the OW). I hope tonight's visit will be just as productive!
Thank you for being there for me - we do have similar struggles with the H in the house. Though their attitudes towards us are quite different. Yours is chatty, mine could split rocks with his icy stares - and never says anything. They both are manipulative. Thanks for checking in... I do read your thread...there is so much good advice coming at you already, I don't chime in. I do care about you too!
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
Oh dear. This was a lot. I read through both threads and I have so many thoughts and questions. I apologize if this post is all over the place. Mostly, I am glad to see you have so much support here and some great posters. Their advice is gold, even if it can feel harsh at times. Every person that comes here is only posting because they have been in a similar sitch and wants to help, even if our delivery is different. So I am thinking about what I can add and I am not sure what else I can say, but I will certainly try. I also apologize in advanced if I am direct or offensive. I have been known to swing some rusty, nail-studded, 2by4s!
Swing away Bluwave! I am so appreciate you read my thread(s) and are dropping advice to me! Though there was no 2x4's at all. Next time, if you would come back a next time, please feel free to knock me up the side of the head...I think I need that.
First random question. I see in thread one, you changed your handle to Bluesea, which does resemble Bluwave, so I am of course curious as to why? :-))) hmmmmm .... Are we sisters from another mister? lol.
LOL! I went by Bluexxxxx, where xxxx was my husbands pet name for me. And since I thought we use the DB counselors, he might figure out where this board was and easily find me by that nickname - but of course he would not take the time to do that! lol!
But seriously, that was a hard read. Maybe I say/think that about most of the sitches here, but ouch. Man oh man, the further out I get from my own BD, the more I am able to read these stories objectively. It is almost surreal what we go through. Of course I see some parallels in my own sitch, but I also see some differences. My H also had an A, became an alien, and blew up our lives, but the thing is, he wasn't an A-hole. My H was mostly guilty, self-pitied and a giant wuss, and he would hide from me. Can I call your H an A-hole? Because it certainly reads that way. He is a big aggressive bully! Man I wish I could kick this guy in the nutz. I know that doesn't help, but his behavior is so outrageous it is almost hard to wrap my head around.
YES! he is a big bully for sure - and my pet nickname for him is a@@hole. Mine also has alot of self pity, I think that goes along with the narcissism. He is quite the prize, you can see why I totally want him back, right? Kidding aside, I am glad you say that because there is so much gaslighting going on over here, I wasnt sure if it was me or him! I actually rented that b/w movie to understand what that 'gaslighting' term meant - and yes, I am married to a man that tries to get me to question my own reality at every turn for his own benefit.
I am so glad to read the advice from LH, Steve, May and really all of them. I agree with everything they are saying. I also know from experience how hard it is to apply when you are feeling so desperate, anxious, fearful and depressed. It is sooooo much easier said than done. Even Sandi's 37 rules. I remember reading those rules every single day. I also remember feeling like I kept failing at them and it felt impossible. So if you are feeling that way too, I want you to know that is okay. You just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and you start over. Each morning you wake up and you just start over. All you can do is the best you can do. .... Have you read Alison's thread? She has come such a long, long way in this process. She is now turning this corner and it is AMAZING. She is feeling strong, confident and detached. She is moving forward with her head held high with or without her H. She went through some really hard times too. But, she kept on picking herself up and she is getting there. So I want you to really take that in .... We all need to find our own way and all of our outcomes will be different, but the same advice applies to us all ... most important for you to read ---
IT WILL NOT BE THIS WAY FOREVER. THINGS WILL GET BETTER IN TIME. I know right now you are spinning and terrified and in a state of shock, but I want you to understand that in time things will get better.
Thank you BluWave - the in time part is sooooo hard for me....I just want this pain to end. I am just physically so tired of it. Its there when I slip into bed, patiently waiting at the end of the bed for me to wake up. And when I do, its my best friend, from the moment my feet hit the ground until they are back up on the bed. Its endless - and it frazzles me to no end - its on my mind always. And when I thought that him getting rid of the OW, (did he?) that there would be some relief... there wasn't. He still is cold, uncaring, mean. And I feel like I should be doing something, and the path we are on is going nowhere, actually getting worse I can feel it. I just want to know, I really want to be told - what am I supposed to do now?
Speaking of Alison and her detachment, I recall you saying that part of the reason that I have struggled with piecing was due to the fact that I may have detached too much. I am not sure what I said, but that is not true. I think the word detachment (and most words we use here) can be confusing. Words and just words and we define them differently. I started to get to a place where I detached and did not allow him to have so much power over me and I also started to imagine a life without him. Naturally he could feel me slipping away. However when we started to reconcile our M, it was not my detachment that made it so hard, it was simply the process of trying to shovel through all this chit, learn to forgive him & trust him, to work on the M while we both had to work on our own stuff, and to fight off those constant triggers, and understand WHY this all happened in the first place, and try and continue to raise our kids and home on a daily, keep up a "normal" routine, fight off so much hurt/anger/resentment, and on and on, and it was just HARD. It takes two committed people to do that hard work. I think it is hard for anyone that makes it that far and even then it doesn't always work. Often we cling so tightly to the idea of getting our partner back, that we fail to see who they have actually become in this process. I am sorry but I do not see your H as a desirable partner. Not right now anyways! He is sooooo far from anyone that can even begin to work on all this.
Thank you for explaining detachment and how it related to your situation. Your right that the definition has alot to do with how one interprets that. If anything, I am jealous about how you were able to, and I so desperately want to be able to do that! I have to say the more mean things he does, that does help to detach...but he has an uncanny ability to know when to hug and throw a kiss in there to just keep me unbalanced. Can I ask you about what you are saying about my H? I want to understand the part about being soooo far from anyone that can even begin to work on all this....I mean I know this guy has issues, sex addiction, porn addiction, gambling addiction, steroid rage, all of that...but I would appreciate your input on your take of him.
One of the major differences between your (and May's) sitch is that he is still there. So not only it it hard to follow the rules, GAL, detach, etc, but it is doubly hard to do that with him right there. When I discovered my H's A, I took a very hard line approach. After he moped and waffled around a bit I had to tell him firmly that if he was not going to 100% commit to our M and family then he needed to GTFO. And he did. I was shocked and devastated of course, but 6 years later, I can see now that it was the only way. He had to experience life without the cushion of his W, family and home. He also had to go out in the real world with this affair and let it fail on it's own. And fail it did! It usually does. You see, once you take away the mystery, fantasy and sheer drama of an active A -- and you stick these two dummies together in the real world -- they get to see each other for who they really are. My H realized pretty quickly he didn't even like her. He couldn't run from me and blame me because I wasn't there anymore. She was just an escape because he was too weak to deal with his real problems. He also missed his life. We had a nice life most days, even with our M issues.
So you and May have a different challenge of DBing with your H right there in your home. I honestly cannot even imagine how either of you do it. I think in both of your sitches it might benefit you to just let them go. In May's case, I think he needs to go out there and let his A fail. In your case, I do also worry about your safety -- emotionally and physically. He is really a mess, all over the map and he is not respecting you and caring for your well being. It is easy for us to put a label on that and call it abuse or whatever, but only you know what you have in front of you. In any relationship, there will be issues, but you should never feel afraid to be yourself. You always have the right to have your space, to say "no," and to not feel that you will be punished for your own imperfections. It is not healthy to live with that constant stress :-((( I was in a very bad relationship in my younger years, during/after HS, and I recall how uneasy I always felt. It took me time to get out of there, but looking back on that I can now see how unhealthy and toxic it was. I made a million excuses for him because it was too painful to see what it really was. But it was him. And that was his to own. It wasn't my fault and my H's A was not my fault either, even tho we did have a lot of issues and I was a cr-p wife. We all have to make that healthy detachment, together or apart. Codependency easily becomes toxic in any long term R if we don't work on it and keep healthy detachment.
This might be the hardest and most traumatizing experience of your life. I have been through some crazy things (most I have not shared here) but I still believe that my H's A and him leaving me for those 10 months was the hardest thing I have ever been through. I had constant anxiety, I couldnt eat, sleep or even think. There were so many days (most days) I did not think I would ever be okay. I thought about dying, not waking up. ODing, and a life of instability and misery. The darkest days of my life. I felt like I was broken and might never be okay. But there was this deep seeded, and almost invisible, little voice or light, that knew I would eventually be okay if I just kept trying and trying and gave it more time. I don't know if it was because I had to make it through for my kids or because I cognitively understood humans are resilient, but whatever it was it was in there. I know you have that too. If you cannot find it, then I am asking you to just trust me on this.
THIS BLUWAVE !! THIS ABOVE IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM TERRIFIED OF!!!!!!!! I know he has to go, but I am struggling as it is, and I know if he goes - it might just be the end! And if not, then it would be just like you are saying for however many months he is gone...SHEER MISERY, and I am so sorry to say, that I am weak and don't want to be left out there all alone and having all that anxiety and not eating or sleeping (like it was at the first month of BD). That was sheer misery!!! And I can not just willingly jump into something that I know will eviscerate me entirely. Its just human nature to just hold on to what your brain thinks is safety. I know on the other side it will be okay, either way. I do trust you! But I just can't full on jump into the meat grinder right now.
IT WILL NOT BE THIS WAY FOREVER. THINGS WILL GET BETTER IN TIME. I know right now you are spinning and terrified and in a state of shock, but I want you to understand that in time things will get better.
If there is any advice I want to give you right now, it is just to wake up each day and just get through it. Think of your H like a jar of pickles and shove him to the back of the fridge -- he can sit back there for now. You wake up, you shower, you tend to those kids, you eat, sleep, you read, you walk, and you allow yourself some small moments of joy or laughter. You are going to mess up a ton and break the rules. F it! We all do. A man that is healthy and strong will love you for those F ups. He is not that man right now, so just leave him in the back of the fridge. This is enough for now. Can you do that? Can you just trust that each day and week and month this will get a little bit easier if you believe?
Yes! I can do this, this I can do....I just worry that I am missing a window that if I don't kick him out, I will lose this marriage. At some point, kicking him out will not have the effect I want. I think its BIG effect the earlier on you do it...and lessens as you wait....then its just a drifting...and does not have the same shock value. What do you think?
Should I tell him to GTFO?! Or let him sit in the back of the fridge?
Blu
Thank you Blu!!!
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
I have to say the above is really confusing to me....LH had said that I just need to eat my $hit sandwiches, so I thought that was what I should be doing.
I want to be clear about the context of what I said about the above. That was when it looked like the affair was over and he was going to recommit to the marriage and you had just yelled at him for 4 hours. Obviously things have taken a drastic change for the worst so no more sandwiches.
Originally Posted by BlueSea
Yes! I can do this, this I can do....I just worry that I am missing a window that if I don't kick him out, I will lose this marriage. At some point, kicking him out will not have the effect I want. I think its BIG effect the earlier on you do it...and lessens as you wait....then its just a drifting...and does not have the same shock value. What do you think?
One of the things that happens in DB is that sometimes we will say something in order to provoke a specific reaction. More often than not, we don't get the reaction we wanted, and then we feel even worse. That's just something to be aware of. If you're trying to provoke H to get expressions of guilt, remorse, fear or doubt, you'll often get the opposite and feel even worse.
Originally Posted by BlueSea
I want to understand the part about being soooo far from anyone that can even begin to work on all this....I mean I know this guy has issues, sex addiction, porn addiction, gambling addiction, steroid rage, all of that...but I would appreciate your input on your take of him.
This is why you should be separating! Not to get a reaction.
Originally Posted by BlueSea
And I feel like I should be doing something, and the path we are on is going nowhere, actually getting worse I can feel it. I just want to know, I really want to be told - what am I supposed to do now?
Given that you have to make things worse before they can possibly get better, separation may not be a bad choice, but I would advise pursuing a separation with the same rules you would have if you were divorced, which is to say that you don't continue to comingle your lives (aside from the kids) and you are free to live your own lives without social accountability to the other person.
That way he can really see if that way of life is better or worse for her. Prepare yourself that in the beginning he will view it as better, mainly because he'll find new found freedom and has convinced herself that its what he wants. It may take six months or two years for reality to set in, but it certainly will.
My advice would be to lean in to agree to separate, and work productively with him on the plan with the presentation that you're on board and plan to enjoy this change also. That's going to make him wonder. You want him to wonder what you're thinking, and from this point forward you shouldn't tell him anything about your frame of mind -- nothing at all.
Bluesea, I just posted this in Pommy's thread, but I think it has application to your sitch too:
Originally Posted by Steve85
Pommy, you bring up a really good point.
So when I was in my knowledge gathering phase in the initial months of my sitch, I found a lot of different theories about how to handle As. Some of the 'experts' said to ignore the A, and to just do things that rekindled your connection to your S. Then there was the hardline of "there can be no R while there is a third party involved." And lots of in between.
One of the experts used to repeat a lot that "the problem in the MR is not THE problem". The point being that the A was usually the symptom of deeper issues in the MR. And rather than focus on the A, you focus on the deeper issues and then A will then just go away.
I tend towards the "there can be no R with a third party involved" mindset, because otherwise the LBS trying to work on the underlying issues results in a lot of pressure and pursuit. And by time BD rolls around the time for pressure and pursuit are long passed.
I would guess that there are some folks that are successful in Ring by focusing on the underlying issues, but I think that % is probably a lot lower than the DB approach. I've often stated that if you DB perfectly after BD, from the get-go, then you have about a 50/50 chance of moving to Ring and piecing. Every mistake, setback, and poor DBing move you make lowers that %. The problem is not that DBing doesn't work, the problem is that very few LBSs DB very well.Then we get newcomers that look at all of the active sitches here and go "so few end in R!". Well that is because the people that tend to post here are the ones that tend to struggle with DBing the most.
Lots of good DBers that are able to turn their sitches around by backing off and removing all pressure and pursuit, GAL like crazy, 180ing on their poor behavior (including getting into IC!), and detaching really well usually get what they need to learn from the forum and we do not hear from them again. Kitcat is an example of this. She came here a few years ago, was able to DB her way out of her sitch, only to revert back (180s need to be PERMANENT! which is why IC is mandatory) and find herself back in the same situation.
While KC unfortunately didn't save her MR long-term, if you go look at her original threads you see that once she moved to R and piecing, she left the board. I think this happens A LOT. A few of us that moved to Ring and piecing stick around afterward, but I think we are in the vast minority.
So, DBing, including sticking to your core values, is a must if you are to have any chance at Ring and piecing. Some of the vets here hate when I start talking percentages, but I do it to highlight the importance of DB. If you DB well, you can get yourself close to a 50% chance of Ring and piecing. If you don't and apply a lot of pursuit and pressure then that % drops precipitously to less than 1%.
Note, the 50% thing is the number of sitches that can potentially get a chance at Ring and piecing. In a lot of sitches, by time that happens the LBS no longer wants it and have moved on themselves.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
LH and Steve ---Taking both of your advice together ...
I am trying to put together a plan that I can wrap my head around. I am going to DB as best I can for the next 2 weeks (focus on detachment, removing all pressure and pursuit, not bring up any R talks AT ALL, show change via action only). Just get to that timeline of 2 weeks, then re-evaluate where I am at, how he is relating to me, journal any actions (positive or negative) and try to link that back to my actions (ie, what is working and what isn't).
Some questions that are important to me... 1. If he wants to have an R talk, do I keep everything to myself, and just listen only? This is where I would lean in on the moving out...but would this be only if he brought it up? or would I ?
2. When we did MC about 2 weeks ago, we were supposed to have 'check-ins' with eachother, I was hoping he would initiate that, but no surprise he has not. Let that go?
3. I had come up with a plan with a friend last night that seemed like something with structure that would work for me, it would be re-evaluated monthly... that he could stay in the house, only if: First -nothing new or questionable comes up, ie night time runs Second- that we attend MC or he attends IC at least 2x's per month Third - that he intends to make some efforts towards the marriage If any of that did not happen then it was time for him to move out.
But, after typing all that out, and thinking how great that was ... the bottomline right now is ... he does not want to even be in this relationship at all, regardless of OW, he believes there is no happy life for him that will include me. So, that plan is not going to work at all --- maybe later, if he ever is interested in us again - but for now, what I have to do, is keep that first 'rule' in play for myself - if he does something questionable (contact with OW, night runs, etc) then it will just have to be time to go. Period. No backsliding.
He is actually being pretty nice right now, bordering on amicable. Would go so far as to say is in a better mood. I see that as a good thing. What I have noticed is that when I DB by not speaking unless spoken to, and keeping it short, and ending the conversation first - results in him getting sullen. He starts doing that back to me, even harder. And becomes generally unpleasant. So what I am seeing is that that tactic does not work for us.
What I have been journaling that seems to work is definitely giving him his space but also being pleasant to him - not overly sugary/handmaiden like - but just generally pleasant and interested -- and his moods get better. Not chattiness, but genuine interest when talking about his work or what he is talking about and try to exit before any awkward silences come up. Also, calling him out on when he is being really rude to me. In the moment he barks, but when I stand 'gentle but firm' that it isn't okay, he takes a minute and then usually says he is sorry, that he did not mean to be.
I think that is what is working - who knows?! He does not say too much, or share his feelings, but I sense that he is making a try. I have let a lot of anger go recently, specifically around the incident and catching something from it - its been a little over a week. He understood that anger, or so he said. But if there is any hope, I need to move on from it. Anger is my enemy.
I have since found out who she is, and what she does, looks like, and when I am feeling a little too hopeful, I just say her name and it immediately deflates me and pushes me towards detachment. I also have been trying to spend time just thinking about life without H, to keep me grounded. Just a few mins every day - what does that feel like? how would that happen? What would I do? What kind of person would I want to be with? I need to prepare for the possibility that even though I love this man (and all his faults) he may, in the end, not love me back (ouch). I have alot of love and adventure to share with someone that would appreciate it if he doesn't.
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
Some questions that are important to me... 1. If he wants to have an R talk, do I keep everything to myself, and just listen only? This is where I would lean in on the moving out...but would this be only if he brought it up? or would I ?
Listen and validate. Ask questions if you need clarification. “I see that you are angry.....am I understanding correctly that you are upset because of XYZ?”
Originally Posted by BlueSea
2. When we did MC about 2 weeks ago, we were supposed to have 'check-ins' with eachother, I was hoping he would initiate that, but no surprise he has not. Let that go? 3. I had come up with a plan with a friend last night that seemed like something with structure that would work for me, it would be re-evaluated monthly... that he could stay in the house, only if: First -nothing new or questionable comes up, ie night time runs Second- that we attend MC or he attends IC at least 2x's per month Third - that he intends to make some efforts towards the marriage If any of that did not happen then it was time for him to move out.
Again, you have no control over his actions. You are not his mother. You cannot be the enforcer of the rules. You probably can’t even force him to move out. You can only control YOU. Please let go of any expectation of him doing anything. He may keep doing all the things that you despise. What you can only do is to set boundaries for yourself - If he’s yelling at me I will walk away.
Originally Posted by BlueSea
He is actually being pretty nice right now, bordering on amicable. Would go so far as to say is in a better mood. I see that as a good thing. What I have noticed is that when I DB by not speaking unless spoken to, and keeping it short, and ending the conversation first - results in him getting sullen. He starts doing that back to me, even harder. And becomes generally unpleasant. So what I am seeing is that that tactic does not work for us.
You do have to experiment to see what works for you. But one thing to keep in mind is this: “One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage.”
Sorry I forgot which vet wrote this but it’s in my book of quotes. Hope it helps.
One of the biggest misconceptions is that once the OP is out of the picture that the marriage will be magically saved. The affair is just a symptom of the problem.
Blue it feels like you are trying to force things right now and that is only going to push him away. I really don’t think you should be in MC right now. You need to give him time and space to sort his stuff out. Stop worrying about what works and what doesn’t and stick to Sandis 37 rules.
I really think you need to understand the timeline here. This is going to take many months if not years to play out. There is absolutely nothing you can do until he is ready to recommit to the marriage. For people who are control freaks that can be a bitter pill to swallow.
Count me in as part of the no R talks camp. No reason for you to initiate one. No reason for you to listen to what he has to say. It seems like a lot of what he says to you is garbage. Why listen to it?
There was no formal discussion of separation ..... just an announcement from H that he wanted to leave. I listened to what he had to say and let him know that he was free to go whenever he wanted, that I was not making him stay, that he could walk out the door when he wanted.
It was like he didn't hear me. He kept saying he wanted to leave and would throw in things that were clearly meant to hurt me, and I would follow up with the same...that he has always had the option to go - I can't make him stay - he is free to leave at any time. At some point, I got up from my seat and opened the front door and came back to my seat -- so when he spoke to me he could see me AND the door opened up behind me. Cage door is open. Just go. But he was on a loop, just repeating himself it seemed, that he wanted to go. This went on for at least an hour, maybe longer.
At some point the kids came in, most likely after hearing it all, its not a big house - and they also were ready for dinner. He wanted the kids to know that he loved them and nothing would change between them. They in return told him that they didn't want to be around him. After all they had seen him do, with the OW, with the gambling, drinking, and not trying - they did not want to be with him or around him. He was taken aback that they would have feelings about all this. He was shocked that they did not want to to participate in his overall 'plan' where he left and he could come and check them out to play with them when he felt like it.
I was just spent, literally just feeling numb - whether it was right or wrong to 'let' the kids speak, I don't know. Everyone had something to say and I was not going to even try to be in control of any of it. I had been trying to keep the seams together to this failing marriage for so long - I just let it all go. The kids wanted their say and they had it. I had done something that was really hard for me to do - to calmly tell him he could leave whenever he wanted (over and over) which had taken all my energy because inside it was so painful to say (and repeat) and so painful to hear all the things he was saying.
And after all that, H announced that he had to think about things. I was stunned, think about what? The kids at this point, were onboard with him going, I had told him he was free to leave and now he wanted to think. There was no point to discuss anything any more, it was late, the kids needed to eat so I decided that we would leave to get food.
When we got back, H was in the dark in the den, thinking. At some point I went to the kitchen, and he came up and hugged me and kept saying he 'was sorry' and was emotional and hugged me very hard and for a long time. I don't know what that meant - or even what he thought he had to think about. He turned in early last night - and its early morning on the next day.
LH, Steve, Spiral and Wooba - I had intended to reply to your advice. Thank you for posting and helping me thru this. If you have any advice on how to handle this new situation - I would really appreciate it.
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
