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funbun Offline OP
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Link to first thread: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2876449&page=1

Link to second thread: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2884690&page=1

Here's a recap of my sitch:

H (Me): 29
W: 30
T: 2 years
M: 7 months... and counting.
BD: 5th day of marriage.
No Kids.

Summary

Week 3, Nov 2019 - Our wedding, it was amazing, both happy, happily ever after right? what could go wrong?
Week 4, Nov 2019 - Honeymoon. Wife became depressed, broke down, and then BD. Honeymoon had to be cut short and then return home.

To recap this is what I think caused her to BD: She hates changes. Wants her old life back. Worried about not being happy in M. We also had problems in the R pre-marriage: her lack of affection which causes a pursuer-distancer dynamic, I was the pursuer. We both had doubts but thought this was normal. We both believed that M will bring more happiness and will solve our problems. [More detail in first post of first thread]

Dec 2019 - W angry at everyone including herself. Became cold, irritated, distant, and kept asking for D. Both of us went counselling. W still same. I discovered this forum. I started DB-ing. W became calmer towards the end of the month.

Jan 2020 - W depressed again, I got angry, we got into an argument. W went back to her parent's place. We've been living separately ever since. I started minimizing my contact with her.

Feb 2020 - W still being distant. Her grandmother admitted to the hospital. I was around to help. She eventually passed away. W was depressed.

March 2020- WAW filed for D, but the process was halted since the courts were closed due to Covid19.

April 2020 - NC.

May 2020 - NC.

June 2020 - Court opened. Divorce proceeding resumed.

Current situation: Stopped all pursuit. Working on my own issues, detachment and GAL. No contact with W. Doesn't initiate any interaction with W. Currently in the process of discussing our divorce court case.

Extra information
  • We are both muslims.
  • We do not have a place of our own yet. Living with parents. Weekdays at her parent's, weekends at mine's (This was before we separated).
  • We work at the same place.


M: 28
W: 30
T: 2 years
Married: Nov 2019
BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 130
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funbun Offline OP
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Just came back from the divorce case meeting.

The person in charge of our case didn't show up. He had to get off work or something to tend to a family issue. It's annoying and very unprofessional of him. At least give us a heads up. So the divorce case meeting was reschedule to sometime next week.

Had a talk with WAW on the way to our respective cars. We were both cordial, she seemed calmer. I mostly listened and tried to do my best at validating.

She mentioned about how nothing has happened for four months, no one is doing anything, and that how everyone (her family and mine) has accepted the fate of this M. And also the fact that I agreed to go along with D, she took it as it being a "done deal" and hence the D will happen. I do not know what she meant by this, does she want someone to do something? While she does nothing?

She sounded nonchalant about the whole thing. She mentioned that she still have no feelings towards me, and I have done nothing. The way she said it sounded as if she wants me to do something and try to win her over?

I asked "what do you mean? do you want someone to do something?". She replied, "no". Then I followed up with "If you don't do anything, then nothing will happen". Then we changed the topic.

We talked a bit more after that about how our family have been doing and then we parted ways.


M: 28
W: 30
T: 2 years
Married: Nov 2019
BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
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Originally Posted by funbun

She mentioned about how nothing has happened for four months, no one is doing anything, and that how everyone (her family and mine) has accepted the fate of this M. And also the fact that I agreed to go along with D, she took it as it being a "done deal" and hence the D will happen. I do not know what she meant by this, does she want someone to do something? While she does nothing?

Classic blame shifting. She does this to feel better about and justify her actions. Whether its conscious or not and she realizes it or not, who knows.

Originally Posted by funbun

She sounded nonchalant about the whole thing. She mentioned that she still have no feelings towards me, and I have done nothing. The way she said it sounded as if she wants me to do something and try to win her over?

I asked "what do you mean? do you want someone to do something?". She replied, "no". Then I followed up with "If you don't do anything, then nothing will happen". Then we changed the topic.

Same blame shift and I'm glad you didn't take on the blame. You just committed to a M before BD. Its not like there was years of distancing occurring with changes needed. Some people want the wedding but dont want to be a W or H.

Sounds like you're doing well over all. In addition to DB/DR, I recommend Mindful Attraction Plan. By the end its pretty helpful, its got pieces of DB, NMMNG, and lightly touches on a bunch of areas in life and gives tips to improve.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
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The hope you have, and your predator instinct are reading things into her words that are not there. When I hear her say "I still have no feelings for you and your have done nothing." What I hear is "I still have no feelings for you and and there is nothing you can do."

At this point I'd view everything she's says through the lens of her being selfish and lazy. "I want a D and I want you to do all the work!" I even see her implying there is something you can do as manipulation. "Make what I want happen (the D) and maybe I'll like you."

The best thing you can do is let her go. This is the road she chose, not you. If she wants a D then she should be doing the work and not trying to manipulate you into doing it.

funbun, every time you have an interaction with her it sets you back. Next week, outside of the hearing, avoid her like the plague!!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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funbun Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Core
Sounds like you're doing well over all. In addition to DB/DR, I recommend Mindful Attraction Plan. By the end its pretty helpful, its got pieces of DB, NMMNG, and lightly touches on a bunch of areas in life and gives tips to improve.


Thank you for the recommendation Core, currently reading NMMNG, but I'll definitely check out Mindful Attraction Plan.


Originally Posted by Steve85
The hope you have, and your predator instinct are reading things into her words that are not there. When I hear her say "I still have no feelings for you and your have done nothing." What I hear is "I still have no feelings for you and and there is nothing you can do."


Yeah, I am aware that I might be projecting my feelings into her words. I try not to read into it too much.


Originally Posted by Steve85
funbun, every time you have an interaction with her it sets you back. Next week, outside of the hearing, avoid her like the plague!!


I know right, every time I talk to her, I feel miserable afterwards. I should be smarter to know when to engage her and when to keep my distance.

My anxious attachment is the main thing I have to work on during this period. It stems from an abandonment wound that I developed from childhood. My parents weren't really the best when it comes to handling emotions and I often felt dismissed and neglected as a child. Always had to handle things on my own, no one was there when I needed them, and I always had to be a good child. All I wanted was someone to affirm me and make me feel heard.

Everything that WAW is doing right now is making that abandonment wound bigger and triggering an anxious response from me. I am scared. I am in pain. This is uncomfortable. I want someone to soothe these feelings, I want her to soothe these feelings. But she's won't, she can't and I shouldn't. I need to learn to soothe myself and fill in the void in my heart.

So, I am starting to see that DB-ing is not a battle between me and WAW. It's a battle between me and my anxious attachment. I grieve and am hurting, not because W is leaving me, I grieve because I feel that I am being abandoned again and I am scared of being alone. If I am able to overcome my anxiety, I will win. Maybe that will make WAW return, maybe not. Regardless, I won. I won against something that plagued me for most of my life and I will be better for it.

I can do this.


M: 28
W: 30
T: 2 years
Married: Nov 2019
BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
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Great post funbun. You can and will do this. Life on the other side is soooo much better afterwards.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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funbun Offline OP
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The divorce meeting is this afternoon.

I have a big decision to make. I can feel myself getting anxious. I need some clarity.

My mind is rocking back and forth between two choices: going straight D vs MR route. Right now, my gut, my heart is telling me to go for the counseling route. To try everything I can to save my M. Itís telling me, if I am going down, I should go down fighting. Even if the MR fails, at least I can say I tried it all and no regrets..right?

WAW definitely prefers to have D soon. If I were to agree to that, isnít that me basically me conceding to her whims? How is that different than NGS behaviour? Doesnít that make me a pushover? NMMNG is telling me to go with what I want.

People tell me to do what I believe in. What do I believe in? I donít even know at this point. I keep doubting myself. I donít want regrets. I want to be happy.


M: 28
W: 30
T: 2 years
Married: Nov 2019
BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
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It's a tough choice. You want to do everything you can, and I get that. The hard part is that if she doesn't want it, it doesn't matter what you want anyways.

Can you be happy if you didn't force the MC b/c you knew her heart was not in it?

I think accepting her choice is not NGS bc you are accepting that you have no control over this so that you can focus on what you can control: your happiness.

I'm not telling you what to do here either. If she wanted to work on things, then great I'd say do that, but I haven't gotten that impression yet, unfortunately.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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I don't un understand why you want to prolong the pain. No kids involved. Just cut bait and run and find someone that wants to be with you. You deserve that.

Last edited by Steve85; 07/02/20 01:14 AM.

M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Originally Posted by Steve85
I don't un understand why you want to prolong the pain. No kids involved. Just cut bait and run and find someone that wants to be with you. You deserve that.


Gold. This is pure gold. Move on to bigger and better!

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