So you told him to wear a helmet and to stop smoking (a disgusting, deadly, and EXPENSIVE habit by the way). And you didn't go fishing with him. And he thought you didn't like the motorbike.
Wow you were awful KC! How did he put up with you this long?
By the way, my W makes me wear a seatbelt every time we are in a vehicle together. She hates the smell of coffee and lets me know it every time I drink a cup. She has never gone hunting with me once, in the 18 years that it has been my passion. And I've owned an ATV since 2013 and she's never ridden it or rode on it with me.
Yet I've never porked a slut and accused her of being overbearing and controlling and THAT'S why I did it.
HE AIN'T THE VICTIM HERE.
KC, you can write this prediction down. I've made it before and you dismissed it. But I've been doing this long enough to know the truth about As and how they start. Here is the prediction:
One day you will find out that he and OW were involved LONG before you knew about it. And that all of this other stuff that you attach so much significance to is meaningless. That none of it caused his A. And that you've been agonizing over all of it as if your mistakes FORCED him into the arms of another woman for no reason. One day that delusion will be shattered by the truth.
Of course my actions/choices whatever they were do not excuse the end choice he made.
WAS YOUR WIFE CONTROLLING???
Was you wife trying to micromanage your life?
Did your wife come to you with 3 different used trucks that fit a budget that she wanted and suggested you test drive and figure out which of the 3 you liked the best?
If you wanted a new truck would you have to harrass your wife to give in to your desires of the truck you wanted if the pricetag was more than she was comfortable spending?
WE went shopping for bikes --- I wanted to make him happy and to enjoy the good money he made. We found a bike he liked and it would be good for us... he had to ask me if we could afford it. I wanted to make him happy but wouldn't he have been more happy if he could have just gone out and bought a bike all on his own?
I became so controlling.... and learning that's based on fear then H was right I'm living a life of fear.
You are perfectly fine to tell me what an A** H is but please know I was not the best person I could have been. I'm quite disappointed in myself. And, I recognized that he was unhappy for a long time.
This isn't going to be fixed by me having multiple "a-ha" moments and changing myself. I've inflicted some pretty deep scars.
Back to your earlier questions - I am of course deeply hurt but I forgive. He of course hasn't asked for it. But, I think if I am to be able to let go of him I need to let go of the hurt which is why I choose to forgive.
You are being irrational right now because you are out of options. You are dying to pursue (even though we have told you it never works), Just do it and get it over with and send him the letter apologizing for everything humanly possible you did in the relationship.
If you need to pour your heart out and explain your eternal and unconditional love for him in order to feel you left no stone unturned and to get closure, then you should do it.
Before you do it, I would just ask you to consider what will happen if you write the best letter of your life, one that would make anyone who reads it tear up over the sheer beauty of the language. What if you write that letter, he reads it, and nothing changes.
What are you going to do then?
Is there any chance that you will then feel you didn't express yourself clearly enough, and need to write another letter?
I guess what I'm asking is "where is the finish line?" At what point do you feel you will trust that he fully understands how you feel and still chooses not to reconcile?
I hate to ask you that question, but I also don't want to see you forever stuck.
If you pour your heart out and nothing changes, what comes next? There is nothing you can do right now to end the affair or get your H back.
How does that feel? Crappy right? Used to fixing things? Used to finding a way? Familiar with the feeling that if you work hard enough, anything is possible? None of that applies now, there is nothing you can do. You need to surrender to that, grieve it and find peace with it. Fighting against it sets you up as their adversary, pushes them together and you away. If you continue to actively try to disrupt the affair and get your H back, you will only dig your hole deeper and deeper, and that will be a debt that will take you a long time to recover from.
So you told him to wear a helmet and to stop smoking (a disgusting, deadly, and EXPENSIVE habit by the way). And you didn't go fishing with him. And he thought you didn't like the motorbike.
Wow you were awful KC! How did he put up with you this long?
By the way, my W makes me wear a seatbelt every time we are in a vehicle together. She hates the smell of coffee and lets me know it every time I drink a cup. She has never gone hunting with me once, in the 18 years that it has been my passion. And I've owned an ATV since 2013 and she's never ridden it or rode on it with me.
Yet I've never porked a slut and accused her of being overbearing and controlling and THAT'S why I did it.
HE AIN'T THE VICTIM HERE.
KC, you can write this prediction down. I've made it before and you dismissed it. But I've been doing this long enough to know the truth about As and how they start. Here is the prediction:
One day you will find out that he and OW were involved LONG before you knew about it. And that all of this other stuff that you attach so much significance to is meaningless. That none of it caused his A. And that you've been agonizing over all of it as if your mistakes FORCED him into the arms of another woman for no reason. One day that delusion will be shattered by the truth.
Of course my actions/choices whatever they were do not excuse the end choice he made.
WAS YOUR WIFE CONTROLLING???
Was you wife trying to micromanage your life?
Did your wife come to you with 3 different used trucks that fit a budget that she wanted and suggested you test drive and figure out which of the 3 you liked the best?
If you wanted a new truck would you have to harrass your wife to give in to your desires of the truck you wanted if the pricetag was more than she was comfortable spending?
WE went shopping for bikes --- I wanted to make him happy and to enjoy the good money he made. We found a bike he liked and it would be good for us... he had to ask me if we could afford it. I wanted to make him happy but wouldn't he have been more happy if he could have just gone out and bought a bike all on his own?
I became so controlling.... and learning that's based on fear then H was right I'm living a life of fear.
You are perfectly fine to tell me what an A** H is but please know I was not the best person I could have been. I'm quite disappointed in myself. And, I recognized that he was unhappy for a long time.
This isn't going to be fixed by me having multiple "a-ha" moments and changing myself. I've inflicted some pretty deep scars.
Back to your earlier questions - I am of course deeply hurt but I forgive. He of course hasn't asked for it. But, I think if I am to be able to let go of him I need to let go of the hurt which is why I choose to forgive.
About the things she cares about? YES! Heaven forbid if I load the dishwasher incorrectly! Or if I put something away in the wrong place.
Human-beings are flawed. ALL OF US. We are controlling in our own ways. We are passive-aggressive when it suits us, manipulative when it suits us. We have our own hidden agendas.
However, when we stand before God and witnesses and proclaim vows to each other, I never hear a "but, not if you are controlling and flawed!".
"I,KC's husband, take thee,KC, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, unless you are controlling and flawed, for better, for worse unless you are controlling and flawed, for richer, for poorer unless you are controlling and flawed, in sickness and in health unless you are controlling and flawed, to love and to cherish unless you are controlling and flawed, till death do us part unless you are controlling and flawed, according to God's holy ordinance unless you are controlling and flawed; and thereto I pledge thee my faith unless you are controlling and flawed."
Or you can change that phrase " unless you are controlling and flawed" to " unless your mom does something she shouldn't do".
Yeah..........I doubt those were in there.
Last edited by Steve85; 07/07/2006:41 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If you wanted a new truck would you have to harrass your wife to give in to your desires of the truck you wanted if the pricetag was more than she was comfortable spending?
You imagine yourself more powerful than you were. He didn't have to harass you to get his dream truck. After you said, "[Here are] 3 different used trucks that fit a budget.. and suggested [he] test drive and figure out which of the 3 [he] liked the best..", he could have smiled and bought any truck he wanted that your bank accounts and credit covered. You wanted control. He let you control. Own your faults. Let him own his.
Absolutely my ex-W complained when I wanted to spend "too much" money. I no longer blame her for preventing me from buying X, Y, and Z. I realize that was a choice I made.
Hi KK Im wayfarer an actual super A type LBW. I was actually controlling, frankly I'm a giant b*tch, and even in my control I wasn't the kind of controlling that is a deal breaker by societal norms. Unless you were laying out his clothes, checking with him if he flossed, made him check in with you every time he left the house even just to the store or work by sending you pictures, or telling him who he could or couldn't spend time with and when, you were not the kind of controlling that warrants an affair or a D. You were a wife with a H who probably put you in the position of your marriage relationship developing a parent/child aspect to it. There's also a good chance you were just co-dependent. A lot of women fall into both of those traps. I hate to break it to you but you are no where near a super A type controlling LBW. What you most likely are is a LBW who's soon to be ex H convinced her that her totally normal behavior that actually leans heavily toward submissive is controlling behavior regardless of what any one else tells her. My H said I was controlling in ways I never even so much as opened my mouth to. He tried to tell me I wouldn't let him go out with his friends. And then then when I argued with him about where he was when I knew he was with OW he'd say I'm just not calling you like you told me to do when I was out because it wakes you up. So when it was convenient to his narrative I was a controlling B who never let him go out and have fun (totally untrue) so he's going to go out all night and make the most of it since he's already out. And when it was convenient to his narrative I was then not controlling and he was just doing what I had asked and not bothering me because I said I trusted him, don't I trust him? See how that works. It doesn't matter if you helped you're husband pick out a bike or a truck. My H actually picked out the car I have. I narrowed it down to 3. He picked this one. And it's my vehicle. The car he has currently I literally yelled on the phone "STOP SECOND GUESSING GO BACK AND GET IT BEFORE IT'S GONE" because he was waffling and it was an amazing deal. That's normal MR stuff. That's not control.
And for just two seconds I'll give into your fantasy that you are some kind of women hell bent on world domination starting with your H. If that's the truth, why on god's green earth are you going to write him an apology letter. That is emotional manipulation in it's highest form which is a covert way to control someone. So you tell me, are you controlling or not? Either way. If you want to prove you are repentant for that behavior an apology letter while you are still in the throws of a divorce is the last way in the universe to show that you're changing, willing to change, and are truly sorry.
You are being irrational right now because you are out of options. You are dying to pursue (even though we have told you it never works), Just do it and get it over with and send him the letter apologizing for everything humanly possible you did in the relationship.
If you need to pour your heart out and explain your eternal and unconditional love for him in order to feel you left no stone unturned and to get closure, then you should do it.
Before you do it, I would just ask you to consider what will happen if you write the best letter of your life, one that would make anyone who reads it tear up over the sheer beauty of the language. What if you write that letter, he reads it, and nothing changes.
What are you going to do then?
Is there any chance that you will then feel you didn't express yourself clearly enough, and need to write another letter?
I guess what I'm asking is "where is the finish line?" At what point do you feel you will trust that he fully understands how you feel and still chooses not to reconcile?
I hate to ask you that question, but I also don't want to see you forever stuck.
If you pour your heart out and nothing changes, what comes next? There is nothing you can do right now to end the affair or get your H back.
How does that feel? Crappy right? Used to fixing things? Used to finding a way? Familiar with the feeling that if you work hard enough, anything is possible? None of that applies now, there is nothing you can do. You need to surrender to that, grieve it and find peace with it. Fighting against it sets you up as their adversary, pushes them together and you away. If you continue to actively try to disrupt the affair and get your H back, you will only dig your hole deeper and deeper, and that will be a debt that will take you a long time to recover from.
I don't want to write him a letter.
For starters he doesn't want the letter OR the apology.
I won't feel better.
I just want to be honest that despite my best intentions I was a crap person to live with. I don't want people to go oh, your H is a lyin' cheater... which he is... but then what am I?
You are being irrational right now because you are out of options. You are dying to pursue (even though we have told you it never works), Just do it and get it over with and send him the letter apologizing for everything humanly possible you did in the relationship.
If you need to pour your heart out and explain your eternal and unconditional love for him in order to feel you left no stone unturned and to get closure, then you should do it.
Before you do it, I would just ask you to consider what will happen if you write the best letter of your life, one that would make anyone who reads it tear up over the sheer beauty of the language. What if you write that letter, he reads it, and nothing changes.
What are you going to do then?
Is there any chance that you will then feel you didn't express yourself clearly enough, and need to write another letter?
I guess what I'm asking is "where is the finish line?" At what point do you feel you will trust that he fully understands how you feel and still chooses not to reconcile?
I hate to ask you that question, but I also don't want to see you forever stuck.
If you pour your heart out and nothing changes, what comes next? There is nothing you can do right now to end the affair or get your H back.
How does that feel? Crappy right? Used to fixing things? Used to finding a way? Familiar with the feeling that if you work hard enough, anything is possible? None of that applies now, there is nothing you can do. You need to surrender to that, grieve it and find peace with it. Fighting against it sets you up as their adversary, pushes them together and you away. If you continue to actively try to disrupt the affair and get your H back, you will only dig your hole deeper and deeper, and that will be a debt that will take you a long time to recover from.
I don't want to write him a letter.
For starters he doesn't want the letter OR the apology.
I won't feel better.
I just want to be honest that despite my best intentions I was a crap person to live with. I don't want people to go oh, your H is a lyin' cheater... which he is... but then what am I?
You are a W, that while not perfect, loved your H and wanted your MR to work. And you were the victim of a lying cheater.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Say you really are this bad wife you speak of......
Then you let go and move on and let him live whatever life he wants. Then you have to accept your were as you feel you were and there is nothing you can do about it now.
And yay go on being the person you want to be going forward.
If you wanted a new truck would you have to harrass your wife to give in to your desires of the truck you wanted if the pricetag was more than she was comfortable spending?
You imagine yourself more powerful than you were. He didn't have to harass you to get his dream truck. After you said, "[Here are] 3 different used trucks that fit a budget.. and suggested [he] test drive and figure out which of the 3 [he] liked the best..", he could have smiled and bought any truck he wanted that your bank accounts and credit covered. You wanted control. He let you control. Own your faults. Let him own his.
Absolutely my ex-W complained when I wanted to spend "too much" money. I no longer blame her for preventing me from buying X, Y, and Z. I realize that was a choice I made.
I see that... I truly do. And, yes he did those things to make me happy but over time began to resent me for it?
You are right. I came into his life and he handed everything over to me.... all his pw's to all his banking and just let me go as I saw fit.
Over time he wanted to have more say. He wanted to separate accounts but I wouldn't tolerate it. He had a separate account set up with weekly funds for personal use for how he saw fit and as our financial situation blossomed so did his weekly acct. When we first got married we could only afford it to be $10/week. He got up $75/week. This was smokes, gaming, etc. Any substantial purchases like hunting stuff, car stuff or just a big item he wanted was out of joint money.
He wanted to pay his own bills - he's doing that now and finding out that he thought he was going to have so much money now... he doesn't...
I wish I had listened to him and been more flexible when it was needed. But, I can't change the past I can only move forward.
My point being, whether you were the best wife in the world, or the worst wife in the world, your path is no different. You let him go do what he feels he needs, and you love a life true to yourself and the person you aspire to be.
I don't want people to go oh, your H is a lyin' cheater... which he is... but then what am I?