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Previous Thread - https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2898721#Post2898721

OK - Joe, he did ask again on Thursday night. He brought up I have not released his funds.

1) I cannot be the one to move this forward. This is HIS D.
2) My atty has made it clear that I am not to drop FO
3) I had a book order drawn up giving him immediate access to 1/2 of the funds to be deducted from the overall settlement once that took place --- that was 6 weeks ago and he didn't seem interested in even looking at the order so I never sent it to him.
4) If he wants that money released he is going to have to get atty. I can not handle being a go between him and my atty for a D that I never wanted.
5) I am not wanting to break NC but I also don't want him sending me another text like Thursday telling me how I failed again.
6) I get that less is more - - - You are right, I put too much emotion into my statement by once again letting him know that this is not what I want... but I'm not against being amicable. I don't believe in letting things get nasty. This is painful enough and I want to maintain my dignity as much as possible.

I will let this drop unitl he contacts again. He is an adult and I'm sure he is well aware that if he really wants that money RIGHT NOW he can go get his own atty.

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1. He knows you aren’t going to push for the D.
2. So don’t drop it. That doesn’t mean you have to tell him that. Or go out of your way to do so.
3. Ok
4. I believe you’ve already told him that.
5. Unless you’re willing to block him and remove him completely from your life you can’t control when he contacts you
6. He knows this isn’t what you want. You’ve made that clear time and again. Again he just doesn’t care what you want.

I’m not trying to be cold here I’m not. But still way to much focus on him. You don’t need to worry about him, you don’t need to focus on him. He isn’t your problem. He knows you don’t wanna divorce. You don’t need to remind him. He’s an adult he’ll figure out what he needs to do when he’s ready to file for the D or when he’s ready to do what’s needed to get the money he believes he’s entitled too.

Ask yourself this question. If your job fired you, would you still be calling them 4 or 5 times a week to check in? Remind them to do certain tasks? Make sure they still really wanted to fire you? Because that’s what’s you’re doing.


Me: 40
EX:37
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11

BD 03/06/20, divorced 12/23/21
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Hi KitCat,
Originally Posted by KitCat
5) I am not wanting to break NC but I also don't want him sending me another text like Thursday telling me how I failed again.


Originally Posted by JosephS
5. Unless you’re willing to block him and remove him completely from your life you can’t control when he contacts you

As JosephS says, there are those control fantasies again. You control whether you block, mute, or respond to his texts. You were touching the stove less when you had him muted and were attempting to slow down communication. You don't control when or what he texts you.

Originally Posted by KitCat
I can not handle being a go between him and my atty for a D that I never wanted.

Yes! Was it thread #1 or #2 where we recommended directing him to your attorney for any legal and/or financial questions? I hope you follow through on this!

Note, you don't control whether he uses an attorney or represents himself to release those funds. You do control if you circumvent your own attorney by contacting ex-H directly.

Originally Posted by KitCat
I will let this drop unitl he contacts again.

No idea what that means. He texts once, you ignore, he texts twice, you respond?!

If you have not told him all financial and legal questions should be directed to your attorney, be clear and do that once. End any games where he has to do X or Y to get you to respond, e.g. contact you a certain number of times. If you have told him already then there's no reason to break no contact to reply next time.

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KitCat Offline OP
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Originally Posted by CWarrior




Originally Posted by KitCat
I will let this drop unitl he contacts again.

No idea what that means. He texts once, you ignore, he texts twice, you respond?!


He brought it up last week - I didn't respond other than just letting him know that "I hear what he is saying" - he was complaining.

His response to that was NOT more of the FO and atty's but rather a closure statement on how he was feeling in the M.

SO - I did not bring it up myself again. So I'm not making him text X number of times before I respond but rather than me bringing it back up I have decided to let it go until he wants to discuss again.

ANYWAY - back to 5 days NC

AND... I finally got to 25lb down... working hard and the weight loss is slowing. I'm looking to drop another 5lb by mid July... fingers crossed!!!

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This is why blocking his texts, which you will never do, is the right move.


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Originally Posted by Steve85
This is why blocking his texts, which you will never do, is the right move.



He is no longer texting me ---- won't text me. Our business is done. If by chance he does text about legal again I have drafted a text as a reply.

Its hard as heck. Yesterday morning was horrible - but I got my butt out of bed and stayed busy all day.

I have not contacted in 5 days --- that's my win. That's my moving forward.

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Hey KC. I think at this point it's safe to say you've heard our message to you loud and clear. Yet you continue to defy the message and act on your feelings and emotions, your sense that you can "nice" him back, even though it hasn't worked for you at all and in fact just keeps driving him farther into OW's arms. I'm not going to sit here and repeat the same things I and others have already said dozens of times, the fact that you are defying the advice isn't because you haven't heard or understood it, it's something else. And that "something else" is what you need to get to the root of.

You do come off here as defiant and headstrong (I mean you are very sweet, kind and loyal too, but we're trying to target what the issue is here) and maybe those characteristics drove your H away, and if so then think about how you can change that. Let's get back to your H's message:

Quote
H: I am a rebllious person always setting rules and limitations causes resentment. Living in fear is no life worth living. I knew this wasn't healthy a while ago. I tried to live in a lifestyle that you wanted and I felt pinned, restricted, regulated. I wants things yes who doesn't but I want to enjoy things that I enjoy the ways I enjoy them. No rules, no ultimatums, no restrictions. We argued constantly because I wasn't heard to listened to. I wasn't using my knowledge and my gifts, instead I have to push myself away from what I know what I can do. I failed to see that earlier I showed no respect for myself in that I could not respet anyone else


There are some pretty strong words there, such as "fear". I believe your H is being honest with you, he's not trying to manipulate you. He's trying to tell you what he saw as your faults in the M because you have asked over and over again.I think he's hoping this will put it to rest once and for all. The WORST thing you can do from this point on is ask him again, because HE ALREADY TOLD YOU and if you ask again then that is a CLEAR indication to him that you don't listen. And that's kind of the same impression I think many of us here get too. We talk and talk and talk to you and you ignore it all, leaving the impression that you aren't listening or understanding, so people explain the same things to you again and you continue not to put it into action. I think you do listen because you can repeat it back at will, but there's some synapse that isn't firing properly and you're not able to actually follow the advice, at least not for more than a few hours before you revert back to your old ways.

Regarding the funds, we've gone over this before but your L has made it clear to you that they are NOT "his" funds. Sure he may have had some money before the M in a certain account, but there is much more to it than that. You've got to sort out who owes who what on EVERYTHING you own and that pool of money is the "equalizer" that the settlement will be paid out of. Let me give you a simplified example:

I have an account with 50k in it when I get married.
We buy a house together and pay it off. It is now worth 100k.
I choose to stay in the home after my spouse moves out. It's split evenly, so I now owe her 50k.

So you understand, in this scenario, that 50k I previously had in an account is now HER money, not MINE. THIS is what your lawyer is trying to tell you, the funds need to be locked up until everything is settled. You are not holding "his" money hostage. If he wants the funds then ALL financial matters need to be settled, whether you do that as part of a D or as a separate agreement. If he doesn't understand this, then explain it to him one time and then let it go.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
And that "something else" is what you need to get to the root of.





AS, as always, very astute.

I believe the "something else" is fear. Irrational fear. This is why KC refuses to block his texts. In her head she thinks "What if he wants to get back together, but I miss a text saying so!" This is irrational fear. Because if and when he wants to get back together, he won't rely on a single text to tell her. We've all seen it that when the WAS wants to come back they will move mountains to do so! (And the LBS should require them to move mountains to do so!)

This is why I believe that KC will not be able to move on properly without therapy. But I am not going to repeat myself on that again.


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I find this frustrating because I have not contacted him since he sent this message.

Yes, he came after me with some anger again - angry that I would choose now to make changes and then trying to manipulate me again to release the funds.

I told him 6wks ago I would not release the funds per my atty.

I did NOT respond to his anger other than to say "I hear you" --- a full 14hr later. That is when he sent the last text.

Did I contemplate sending another text telling him he needed to get his own atty because I would NOT be doing the hard work of his D. Yes I did, however I did not send anything.

It was pointed out AND I agree. He is an adult. He wants this money released he can go get an atty and take those steps needed. Its not my job to remind him. Therefore, I did not reply to his text.

There is no point in blocking his texts. He will not ever be texting me again. I get it. He is done with the M, he has moved on, he has his stuff. I'm not under any delusion that he is going to text me that he wants to repair the M.

I've maintained NC for 5 days. Its not been easy - there are times I just want it all over it because I have no patience and other times I just tell myself what the hurry (because I do need the healthcare). Why am I doing all the work while he gets to skate away carefree?

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KC,

Your h will contact you again w/some excuse either about the puppy or he's left something behind or he'll have another question about a bill. It's his MO and he may not contact you in the next day or so, but he will definitely contact you again.

Right now, he's waiting for you to come back at him over his last text. Why? Because he knows you so well and knows that the temptation is there and he figures you'll shoot off a text to him. Bottom line, he baited you and he's hoping to get you so fired up that you'll just say enough and do whatever he wants to get him out of your hair. Sure, we know what your lawyer has told you and thus far, you've stayed the course w/her advice.

Unless his texts are an absolute emergency, just delete them. Whatever he needs, he can purchase it at a local store. This business of continuing to come there needs to stop until papers are finalized and yes, all of the bills are paid and the splitting of funds and/or assets are divided.

KC, you can do this, stay the course and do not allow this man to rattle your cage.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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