Tell the cicadas to shut up

[AndrewP]

Our previous chapter - Darned Skeeters
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2894255&page=1

Well - this place is turning into a regular zoo / ark. The thread title is a reference to an old Gary Larson cartoon.

All the critters and people are working at adjusting and it will take some time. And patience.

The story continues.

[job]

Andrew,

You definitely will need lots of patience while your "ark" of people and animals settle down and get adjusted. I can't even imagine having that many animals under one roof w/o a few tiffs along the way. I gather you are the type of man who likes order in his home...so...how are you doing walking around a seeing all of the stuff all over the place? Has S begun to unpack or the boxes just stacked? I just get the impression that she, the kids and the animals lived in chaos and are use to things being all over the place.

Will you be able to continue working at home w/o much interruption or has that little piece of heaven now been taken over with boxes, etc.?

Lots of time and patience are definitely in order for all. Good luck!

[DnJ]

Good Morning Andrew

Yes, an 80A service would be hard pressed to run an air conditioner.

Over the years, I’ve not invested in my house considering the return upon the selling of it. I’ve invested in making it more comfortable, more home. We do spend a great deal of our lives in it after all.

That’s not an attempt to sway your decision; it’s just I don’t have an expiry date in mind for when I would move out. I’m not looking for a return. In ways, that has more reason for investing I suppose.

Fixing the back porch is a good project. Sounds like a good idea and a fun time. You’ve got a little helper living with you, with all summer off. What young boy wouldn’t like to rip something apart with a crowbar. Some work gloves, work boots, safety glasses, and go at it.

My boys, and girl, loved tearing down the old sheds that used to adorned the property. It’s some of the memories built in their childhood, working with Dad fixing and demolishing stuff. Faces light up when we talk about those times. The actual work and help, can be a bit frustrating at times for the Dad, and so worth the investment.

Have a great day.

D

[AndrewP]

Andrew,

You definitely will need lots of patience while your "ark" of people and animals settle down and get adjusted. I can't even imagine having that many animals under one roof w/o a few tiffs along the way. I gather you are the type of man who likes order in his home...so...how are you doing walking around a seeing all of the stuff all over the place? Has S begun to unpack or the boxes just stacked? I just get the impression that she, the kids and the animals lived in chaos and are use to things being all over the place.

Will you be able to continue working at home w/o much interruption or has that little piece of heaven now been taken over with boxes, etc.?

Lots of time and patience are definitely in order for all. Good luck!

I'm sure that I disabled that security system years ago - are you looking in at me?

The critters are largely settling down. My one cat Liz - who usually gets up from the grumpy side of the bed has gotten more grumpy but there's been little actual arguing. I'd hesitate to call it fighting. And it's mostly directed at her sister. The new cat - a charming older lady cat named Simon - is pretty chill about it all and spends most of her time sitting on a familiar chair ignoring the others. The dog is adapting well too. A mature neutered male cat is to be added to the mix as the last addition. The bunnies do their thing in S17's room. S and I have talked about odour abatement along with finding other less expensive sources of food than the pet store. S17 has the final say of course especially about the food.

There is currently stuff piled "everywhere" and yes, there was chaos in the apartment. This is something that I've watched quite carefully and given a lot of thought to. It was very close to a deal-breaker more than once. People don't fundamentally change as we all well know, so I had to think about how all of this will work. It is a topic that S and I have talked about where I've taken the tact that I found her apartment to have "poor energy". She's pointed out that my actions in keeping this place tidy are a huge thing for her. She says she and the boys will pitch in and do their part and we can all hope. I think that a key thing will be finding those things that each finds important and are within their capabilities. S with her back issues for example can't scrub especially on lower surfaces.

A key thing I've learned is that S does indeed quite like to have things tidy and organized. I think that's part of the reason she started spending so much time here so early on. That and I'm of course quite irresistible Health and teenagers and other factors combined to make it difficult for her. She also doesn't have the same sort of daily continuous tidy habits that I have. Keep in mind too, that many of those only really came out after my ex left.

S has of course committed to having everything all tidy, put away and organized quickly. And I've seen her do that in her apartment. But it didn't get sustained and maintained. And that's where I and the chore chart come in. We've talked and she is clearly aware that there are things that I will not accept and that I take ownership of. The litter boxes, the kitchen, making sure that my own laundry and the bed is done and kept fresh are all on "my" list. She's said that she will help with those and that's great but I know that there will be extra effort required to keep these things that matter to me taken care of.

My home work space is now rather more crowded than it was but one big desk and book-case in a big empty room was kind of weird. We still need to figure out the different spaces that S needs for her own paperwork / potential business stuff as well as her crafting and hobbies. I am hoping that the continuous working from home will be ending "any day now" but can't see that happening in July at this point. The way that I myself use space has been something that I've been wanting to re-imagine for a while now anyway so we'll see where that goes. At present S uses the dining room and living room and I am still in the upstairs office. I spend a lot of time on conference calls etc which is distracting to her I know. Getting back down to the plant regularly as well as the corporate office will happen in time. Various things are afoot as well that may mean yet another shift in my role this fall. Possibly more embedded in production or possibly pulled out for a special project. At least I'm confident of job security for at least the next few weeks

It perhaps helps that I'm not a misty-eyed idealistic teen-ager. I have gone into this relationship I hope with my eyes wide open and having done some critical thinking. S brings the positive energy and creativity into my world that I wanted to add. She also comes with quite a lot of baggage. Some short term(ish), some permanent.

I've thought about the utility of continuing to post here and one thing that I think is missing is the stories of those who move on to new relationships. Dawn has and it's worked well for her and her presumably much less complicated circumstances. Most people after a certain point though perhaps set DB principles behind them and because of what I perceive as the critical judgement that can happen here, don't share what it takes to build anew.

If this scares off some from attempting a new relationship, that's in my mind a good thing. I firmly believe that far too many people jump in before they are ready. I can of course be criticized for exactly that and have been. But on the other hand if it helps to show that it can be done and that it's worth the effort that's also positive.

And I also just like writing about my life and experiences - so there

Fixing the back porch is a good project. Sounds like a good idea and a fun time. You’ve got a little helper living with you, with all summer off. What young boy wouldn’t like to rip something apart with a crowbar. Some work gloves, work boots, safety glasses, and go at it.

Thanks D - I used to sit on the board of directors of a group that is involved in local planning. So my brothers and I, the boys, some cases of beer "could" probably toss up a new porch fairly easily but I'm going to have to do it the permit and engineering way.

I have the drawings all done and have for quite a while, I just need to first get an estimate and save up the money. As you suggest, demolition can be fun and cheap to do on your own. If I can get a contractor to put in the framing and roof, the floor, rails and trimwork I can easily do myself or with a helper. It's just not hit the top of the list yet. The last project was a new roof on the front porch and the savings account only slowly builds.

While it's foreign to how things worked with her ex-partners, I believe that S has bought in to the "save first then do" rather than "borrow and pay forever" method of planning. It certainly puts you to the top of the list with contractors I've found when you tell them you can pay them in cash if they want.

[job]

No, I'm not looking in on you. I have a good memory of many of things that you've posted and I know it use to bug you when B would do things, as well as your comments about the apartment that S was living in. It's going to take a lot of patience and effort in biting your tongue for a bit because you've been use to having the home to yourself w/your son and the cats for quite some time. Any time that there is a change, it can rock the boat of patience for a bit.

BTW, did you finish the plastering and painting project that you had started early in the spring? You've not mentioned it in a while and thought I'd ask about it.

As for the porch, if you can somehow swing it, now is the time to get it done because the contractors are desperate for work and in my area, they are doing work quite a bit cheaper because of this. Just my two cents.

Glad the animals are settling in and the two original queens are doing well even though Liz is still a bit grumpy.

Just remember, dig deeper for patience and count to 10 before you say something that may be taken the wrong way.

[JujuB]

Reading on with interest. I’m about to move too - (no animals though) and we are preparing for the adjustments. It’s funny - old school thought (my family) are more along with the “no big deal. Kids willl adjust” this stuff was done in the past when a spouse or family member died and kids were taken in and forced to adapt. Parents make decisions and kids go along with it. New school way of thinking is more like wait 5 years until you and partner or no longer infatuated with each other to move in or wait 15 years till the kids finish college, Everyone gets extensive therapy, or possibly live in separate homes and just date so kids don’t have to change and so you can keep those infatuation feelings a bit longer. Change can damage the kids and you don’t want that guilt and statistics are not in favor of 2nd marriages.

I’m hoping it’s taking a piece of both. Be kind to the kids And make sure your new partner is kind as well, but life is change and they do have to adapt. Prepare for hard times - go in with open eyes about relationships and people but don’t forget to look at success stories and question statistics (a lot of the people that made up those failed 2nd marriages were people that married their affair partners) Make sure you are ready to do the work needed for partnering.
Trust that your partner does not have ulterior motives and loves you for you and not what you offer or have on paper.

Now in your situation, the kids seem like they are happy about the move and living with you. So that’s huge. Maybe the difficult part will be you having to adjust to some disorganization. But you did mention that you have had and are used to lots of animals and kids around? I have read your posts for a while now - and to me - it always seemed like you like having things to do and people/animals to care for and nurture. Yes - you like structure (sounds like you can be of help to an adhd family big time that way) but you also seem to seek out companionship and people. Kids and animals seem to fill your life in a beneficial way. Only thing I wonder about is Do you feel comfortable that your boundaries are respected by S and that you can communicate with her in a way that doesn’t cause conflict or fights?

There are some personalities that have a hard time understanding it because they prefer a more simple and solitude sort of lifestyle where they are not having to compromise or do extra work or Commit or give for that companionship. . I get that too. Nothing wrong with it. But I guess we have to just go in knowing who we are and what we like and want.

[AndrewP]

BTW, did you finish the plastering and painting project that you had started early in the spring? You've not mentioned it in a while and thought I'd ask about it.

That project is currently stalled. S13 has moved in to the room as is. We'll get to it but with the current chaos and the reality that it is for the present just my 2 hands to do these things, it's going to wait.

Just remember, dig deeper for patience and count to 10 before you say something that may be taken the wrong way.

The same advice you give everyone in almost every circumstance my friend. And you are always right. <3

Reading on with interest.

Thanks Juju. Right now I'm in the middle of probably the worst part of things so will undoubtedly have a better perspective in a couple of months. There are boxes and stuff piled all over and filling up the garage and one of the sheds. S's cat has developed a habit of peeing on the floor outside the downstairs bath every night, S17 is delaying moving in as long as possible, S13 came back from his Dad having not had any consistency including with his meds, etc etc etc.

Knowing that this is the middle of the storm and also having job sitting on my shoulder counseling patience is how I'll get through this to the other side of things.

I’m about to move too - (no animals though) and we are preparing for the adjustments. It’s funny - old school thought (my family) are more along with the “no big deal. Kids willl adjust” this stuff was done in the past when a spouse or family member died and kids were taken in and forced to adapt. Parents make decisions and kids go along with it.

That's kind of S's attitude I think. I'm personally not a bit fan of either old or new school. I've always regarded "family" as a unit where everyone, the tall and the small have a voice. Now, S has been through this a couple of times previously with poor results and the kids did suffer the fall-out. She doesn't consult them on things, even big things like this. A couple of her kids saw warning signs with her STBX and tried to let her know but she went ahead anyway. Two of the older kids ended up moving out on their own shortly after she moved in. The impression that I get is that they all approve of me. It is one of the facets of her personality that bothers me. Perhaps it in part comes from having been a single mom for so long. With no other adult backup, doing a survey before making a decision probably isn't effective.

I think that my experiences last summer with B have been very instructive in my own path on this. My expectations of a new person fitting seamlessly into my life have certainly been altered. I feel bad because B (and I) had to suffer the fall-out of that learning. It still wouldn't have worked between us - there were a lot of unresolved issues on her side and some incompatible life-style issues. But I have learned that this is something where I'm going to have to put in some hard work and be flexible.

Because I haven't used crappy analogies for a while, imagine if you will that my first marriage was in many ways like building a house. We had an empty lot with a few weeds and a couple of pot-holes and worked together building something nice from the ground up that stood for many years.

When my marriage ended, I was still in that house, rather emptier than before.

The along comes B - who pulls up and tries to fit herself and her life into that house and leave what she had behind. It didn't work.

Then along comes S - with her own life (the image of the old Beverly Hillbillies show with Granny on top of the load with her rocking chair and shotgun comes to mind for "some" reason ). Instead of trying to fit all of that in my world, what we're doing is knocking down one of the outside walls and joining the two homes together. I don't know if you've ever seen that - but in my rural area that's one way that people will expand - just haul a second house in and put them together.

You have incompatible systems, you have walls up. You have odd creatures wandering from one side to the other. But it can work. It will take time. There will always be things on different sides perhaps. In our case with a number of adult children in the mix we certainly won't be the Brady Bunch.

S treats much of this as "no big" but I know that I'm going to have to learn new skills and work hard on patience as job wisely always counsels but also know where to give and where to hold firm.

I like to say that it's always easy to come up with reasons to NOT do something. But doing nothing isn't how you grow and thrive.

Now in your situation, the kids seem like they are happy about the move and living with you. So that’s huge. Maybe the difficult part will be you having to adjust to some disorganization. But you did mention that you have had and are used to lots of animals and kids around? I have read your posts for a while now - and to me - it always seemed like you like having things to do and people/animals to care for and nurture. Yes - you like structure (sounds like you can be of help to an adhd family big time that way) but you also seem to seek out companionship and people. Kids and animals seem to fill your life in a beneficial way. Only thing I wonder about is Do you feel comfortable that your boundaries are respected by S and that you can communicate with her in a way that doesn’t cause conflict or fights?

There are some personalities that have a hard time understanding it because they prefer a more simple and solitude sort of lifestyle where they are not having to compromise or do extra work or Commit or give for that companionship. . I get that too. Nothing wrong with it. But I guess we have to just go in knowing who we are and what we like and want.

Thanks Juju. I often forget how observant people are. Especially people here. Communication is the toughest thing for us as we find we have triggers and patterns of communication that automatically flip into defensive patterns. That's why the seemingly trivial air-conditioner issue is such a big win for us both in my mind.

Trust that your partner does not have ulterior motives and loves you for you and not what you offer or have on paper.

Always a worry for people. Especially I think for someone like me. A middle-aged guy with a house, steady job that pays 6 figures, no real debt. I've been described as a "catch". S being a middle-aged single mom with no steady income and dependent children, the obvious conclusions are obvious. I've been assured that it's not the case and she's no history nor taken any measures that might indicate otherwise.

[JujuB]

Just because someone’s a single mom with dependent kids doesn’t mean she’s an opportunist. You know my sitch - and I hate the idea that I can be perceived that way.

[kml]

Re:the cat pee - always check for a bladder infection when a cat is peeing. Plus are there enough litter boxes for all the cats?

As for all the unpacking/organizing - the way you eat an elephant is one bite at a time. Hopefully while you are working from home S is busying herself with unpacking? If her ADD is getting in the way, maybe there’s a way to help with some goal setting ? Or if that’s too tricky, maybe set aside Saturdays as blitzkrieg unpacking days, doing it together with fun music playing. (Boy George is good for housecleaning).

I think your attitude towards her kids is excellent and I’m sure they appreciate it, even if there are some rough spots.

[AndrewP]

Just because someone’s a single mom with dependent kids doesn’t mean she’s an opportunist. You know my sitch - and I hate the idea that I can be perceived that way.

It is unfortunate and in probably nearly all the cases false. I do think that especially in the online dating world that there are a lot of biases that have nothing to do with how worthy people are. I've heard some echoed here. It's funny though, the fact that S was a stay at home single mom with 5 kids didn't hurt her dating prospects nearly as much as the fact that she didn't drink. And that was even before she would be able to let her prospective dating partner know that she had a severe allergy.

Re:the cat pee - always check for a bladder infection when a cat is peeing. Plus are there enough litter boxes for all the cats?

We have one upstairs and one down so should be fine. In the apartment there were two boxes but side by side and since they were taken care of by a 17 year-old were usually pretty disgusting. I'll probably have to go back to scooping twice a day. I would normally try to do once a day when it was just the two girls. This cat does have a history of peeing in potted plants possibly in part because her litter box was pretty gross.

As for all the unpacking/organizing - the way you eat an elephant is one bite at a time. Hopefully while you are working from home S is busying herself with unpacking? If her ADD is getting in the way, maybe there’s a way to help with some goal setting ? Or if that’s too tricky, maybe set aside Saturdays as blitzkrieg unpacking days, doing it together with fun music playing. (Boy George is good for housecleaning).

I think your attitude towards her kids is excellent and I’m sure they appreciate it, even if there are some rough spots.

Thanks. This whole thing is going to be a series of elephants plodding through the savannah I think for a while.

S is no good at the slow and steady incremental processing. BUT she is great at the bursts of energy. I was talking to her son-in-law and her daughter (D25) - who I've often referred to as a drill-sergeant - is planning on "helping" her mother sort through stuff. She's not working right now either and with a one-year old probably won't be going back to work full time anytime soon. Given the history, I think that D25 has a long history of making things work out for her mother and S has relied on her a "lot" even from when she was very young. I don't know if it's a truism but suspect that the older kids of a single mom tend to end up doing a lot of the adulting / mature faster than otherwise.

I think that D25 will be a fabulous help in keeping her mother focused and also in helping with some of the harder decisions on what to let go. This may be one of the first times in a very very long time where S is able to look at this place as something other than temporary and where she can work on making it into a home. There's a massive amount of stuff that seems to be just contingency or "doesn't fit here but might fit into the next place". Letting to of that will be tough for her. I think some days that S spends more time living in a future than she does in the present. Kind of opposite of me.

I've actually known D25 for a lot longer than her mother and always liked her. She's a bit scattered and flighty but has a kind heart and a core of inner strength that just shines through. Her mom has that too but more softened and perhaps battered and bruised.

I see my role in this as encouraging, being positive and facilitating where possible by assembling shelves, moving stuff, doing trips to the dump and second hand store's donation outlet.

And being patient.

I've stayed out of the packing and moving out process as much as possible. I've been at the apartment a few times and found it massively frustrating for an organized guy like me. The process seems to have been to randomly select items and put them into a box or now more often garbage bag and throw them with no discernible pattern into the van. When they arrive I've done a lot of the unloading and put things close to their end homes and tried to do some sorting. So books in one area, the pictures and prints safely under the back stairs, S's clothes (often mixed in with the kids') in our room. Much of the furniture that has arrived that has no specific home has ended up in the shed for now. Many of the pieces are ones she picked up from the swap pile at the local landfill or a second hand store but some of it is pretty good stuff. Some is broken down crap. According to the dump receipts S has already taken about 850 lbs to the dump.

I did help a bit on Friday afternoon after work loading but felt a punch in the chest after carrying a heavy load down the stairs to the trailer so announced that I was taking a break which frustrated me but everyone else thought was reasonable. Oddly I felt fine to unload although that was just a matter of sliding things off and on to the dolly and putting it into the garage. Son-in-law thought it might be related to oxygen levels which doing heavy lifting on stairs exacerbated as pretty much all of my issues can come down under the category of poor circulation.

I believe that a final push is being made today and / or tomorrow. Last minute of course. S17 is still there and I think is having a hard time of it.

On a semi-related note, I reached out to some cousins of mine who are rabbit breeders and asked about getting feed from somewhere other than the pet shop and they were positive about that. My youngest brother had just taken off some hay so I swung by there and picked up a bale. S17 had said that he was open to using field hay but needed to check it himself. He's good with the fact that I picked up a bale as I told him that for $5 (vs about 90 for equivalent from pet store) that if it didn't suit we could use it as mulch. Second cut should be coming off in about August and if this suits we'll maybe get a half-dozen bales or so and put it into the shed.

My brother I think thought it weird that when I picked up the hay that I was wearing a mask. He and to a much larger degree his wife think that the virus is all an overblown hoax and that mask wearing is just a personal choice. They have a group of like-minded friends and aren't practicing social distancing. I told him that I choose to wear a mask because if I can save just ONE life by doing that at the expense of looking silly that was more than worth it. I doubt I changed his mind or even made him think hard about it. Frustrating as they are generally kind, caring and fairly well informed people.

Had a bit of a WTF moment last night too. S took everyone out to dinner on a local patio after a hard day of packing and moving. She asked for a seat under the tent to be out of the sun which worked well when the downpour started. While we were there a random guy came by who obviously knew everyone and chatted cheerfully and caught up. I was ignored. I asked S and yes - this was her prior boyfriend. My heavens - what a slimeball he appears to be. He was a barfly at this pub across the street from S's apartment and is probably in his early/mid 60s and looks in very rough shape. I do have to work on some brain-bleach to get the thought of them as a couple out of my mind. It was nice to have what I'd heard about them breaking up and that the guy regretted S splitting from him confirmed. Otherwise they would have just ignored each other. And he was probably curious about who this other guy was. According to my barber who knows him, he's slid a lot deeper into the barfly lifestyle since they broke up and it certainly is obvious to me.

S's Dad was supposed to come up today to meet me and the clan was going to gather together for a BBQ this afternoon. He abruptly cancelled yesterday afternoon for unknown reasons so I believe that there is going to be more packing done and still a BBQ. I've not done a Sunday supper in a while and currently can't find the enthusiasm in me to do it. I'm not exactly sure why but do feel rather overwhelmed by everything at present. It should settle down somewhat in the months to come.

I've tried reaching out to S25 a few times about getting together but only get radio silence. This neither surprises nor bothers me. It's just part of who he is. When he was away at school we would get together about once a month for dinner and in between would be silence. I do know that it's frustrating to him to have people poke at his "bubble" so I'll do what I used to do and text him from time to time about random news and see about getting together.

I hear occasionally from D25 in San Diego. She and her H are happy that the Zoo is open again but will wait for the first rush of crowds to go before going in. I got them memberships last Christmas. For next year I think I'll look around to see what other things might be available to them there although Zoos are one of their favourite things. That also implies that they'll be living there as the Navy can shift things around without warning and my son-in-law may be up for another change in posting. It would be nice if they ended back up in Upstate New York. A nice part of the world and much easier to visit - once we can do that again.

Well - the tea pot just emptied. Time to get out and start on cutting the grass and keep the house running while everyone else is busy with the move. And yes - I'll take things slowly and not push myself too hard.