I have had some wrenches of real regret in this last go-round, where H said explicitly this never would have happened if I'd been sleeping with him ... It wasn't for another couple of months that I initiated sex (also in a totally half-hearted like I really knew I needed to because it had been a scarily long time kind of way)
I think you need to work through this with your IC. Not your H reactions to the lack of intimacy (those belong to him), but why YOU stopped engaging/taking interest in sex. This conversation needs to be about you. What your "H" calls excuses are your truth. Until you understand that truth, you will end up in the same place (maybe with your H, maybe with some other man) once the sparkle/novelty wears off (i.e. sex as duty).
Oh, on an earlier question of why you 'rediscovered your love and passion for him" - sex is one form of validation of our worth and our attractiveness.
It's not just the physical gratification you're missing, it's those memories of what comes with the physical gratification, the anticipation, the after glow and feeling of being secure, those words shared in the heat and aftermath of passion. This is your brain remembering the good parts and forgetting, that actually sex had (prob) become routine - five minutes in the missionary and then falling asleep - which is probably why you stopped being interested in it in the first place.
Originally Posted by May
Anyway, when this comes up, I mostly try to validate.
I remember a quote from Kate Moss. At the time she didn't talk to the media which helped keep an air of mystery about her. "Don't explain, don't complain". Validation doesn't mean explaining yourself. I use to find myself being blamed for something (something going missing, the rubbish not taken out to be collected) and feeling forced to explain/defend myself. "It couldn't have been me that moved it, I've been out all day", or "I was late home and exhausted and it slipped my mind" blah blah blah. But May, he didn't care what my excuse/explanation was because he had already made up his mind that it was my fault. He just wanted to have a moan at me and make me feel small. Now, when he says something to me pointing out I've forgotten/miss-placed something I simply say "OK". So when he brings it up simply say "You've explained how that made you feel and I'm sorry for that. I do think the subject has been exhausted".
May, I am not sure what the laws are where you live, but here you cannot make him leave if he does not want to go unless there is domestic (and I assume this means physical) violence involved.Those movie scenes of clothes angrily shoved in black bin bags and left on the front driveway to be discovered by the cheating spouse aren't a reflection of most of our situations, well not, if those cheating spouses are sensible enough to go seek legal advice.
The only thing you can do is request the emotional space to process (which you've done) and if he does not respect that request, make clear through your actions you will have that space anyway. Right now you share a home. He is a flatmate. Try and think of him as one - you don't pry into each other's lives and you don't overshare. If he tries to engage in relationship talk, cut it off and say "I don't think it's appropriate that you discuss this with me". Pleasantries and elevator conversations is where you are at at the moment. You can build on this later.
I've spent a lot of time thinking and reading about sex and desire. Emily Nagowski has been especially helpful in this for me, and Esther Perel too. I definitely want to work through it with my IC now, but essentially I think my identity as a mom completely took over my identity as a woman. All the formerly sexual parts of my body were utilitarian. When my daughters were born they gave me a mirror and that was all I could picture when my H would look at that part of my body. My breasts were milk bags and I was terrified I would leak milk. The idea of sex felt gross. I didn't feel sexy or desirable in any way. I had a pretty intense executive job and all day long, people WANTED something from me. At work, at home. I was overloaded by touching with the children-- it not only fulfilled any contact need I had (and I don't have a lot) but overwhelmed me such that at the end of the day I wanted nothing more than for no one to touch me and no one to ask me anything.
There were also dynamics between H and me, times when I felt he was being selfish, or rude. I'd go to bed without it being resolved and he'd pop up a half hour later and try to initiate sex. It would infuriate me. I felt like he had an itch and sex would scratch it, not that he was in love with me and needed me to be physically intimate with him. He never said those things to me. I've read a lot about men needing sex to connect and women needing to feel connected before wanting sex, and I think this was a definite dynamic in our R. I got to a point where any touching-- backrub, arm around the shoulder, hug, kiss, leg brushing up against another-- scared me because I was afraid it would lead to H wanting sex, so I avoided all physical contact.
The only times we would talk about it would be in bed, when I'd refuse sex and H would get angry, I'd get defensive, and would shut down. He would get really upset and emotional but I don't really think I tried to understand where he was coming from or what it was like for him. I retreated into feeling defensive and nagged and misunderstood. He never raised the issue outside of that context, or let me know how much it impacted him emotionally. We probably had sex once or twice a month after D8 was born, unless we went on vacation without the kids, which happened a handful of times and during which I could always relax and we would reconnect romantically, have sex, etc. Probably half the times we had sex after H asking was boring missionary (because that was all I would agree to, and I stared at the ceiling and waited for it to be over. The other half of the times I would get into it, H would look me in the eyes and say... see? Isn't this great? And I would feel it for those moments, but it never carried over into the next time he asked.
I talked to two doctors, who both said it was normal. Many women don't want sex after kids, you're busy, it will come back. I read online articles that said "make it a priority" and "fake it til you make it-- once you start you'll eventually start wanting to again." I couldn't make myself do this. I couldn't explain to H or myself what was going on because I didn't really understand it. The most I might have said is that I didn't feel sexy, and he would say but I think you're sexy, which I didn't really believe, and he didn't spend a lot of time or energy trying to convince me in a way I understood. I think he felt that saying that and showing me he wanted me by initiating sex was telling me. I needed something more, or different-- mostly, I needed to see MYSELF as a sexual being again.
The other dynamic for me, I think, is that in all of this I stopped seeing H as a human being and started seeing him more just as what he represented-- father, husband, sometimes PITA. He was another person I had to manage. Things he cared about a lot that I thought were kind of stupid, like watching professional sports, were tolerated but I always felt he was being selfish. One time, he wanted to fly to visit his brother and go to a football game, there were many reasons why it was so special that I can't really remember. Our eldest daughter was maybe one. I was overwhelmed with work and parenting and not enough sleep and was outraged he would consider this trip-- spending money just on himself, taking time away from me and the baby. That I was going to have to deal with it all by myself for no reason other than H wanting something for himself. We got into a huge fight about it and finally I told him, I'm not going to tell you no. You need to decide this one on your own. He made this huge list of pros and cons and deliberated over it for days. He ended up deciding to go. I was livid and felt betrayed and in fact I can trace a lot of my anger and disengagement with him back to this point, when I felt he chose himself over me and the kids. After that, if he'd ask "can I go to X" I would just say no, because I felt like I had given him a chance to make what was in my head the right choice and he didn't do it, so I would just say no. Sometimes we'd fight about it and he'd end up doing it anyway.
Now, I look back at that and I cringe. Pretty terrible behavior on my part. And, throughout all this time and H has consistently advocated for me to do things for myself. To spend time with my friends, to get a massage, to go on a girls weekend, to do things for myself that made me happy. He constantly pushed me here. And I never really felt comfortable spending a lot of money or time on myself. I felt guilty about it and would rarely do it. The only reason I have gotten back into yoga over the past 1.5 years is because H bought me a gift certificate for a large number of classes at a pretty pricey studio near our house. He had tried a bunch of places and felt this one was the best, but I was annoyed at him for spending so much $ on each yoga class and would never try it myself. He got a good Black Friday deal (he knows I like deals) on a gift card and gave it to me for Christmas and every day encouraged me to go. This is also something that DB has helped quite a bit for me, getting comfortable with GALing and doing things just for me.
That Christmas (2018) marked the first year of his A, during which I had no clue. In November or so he had broken it off with AP and they didn't start talking again until January. The other present H bought me that year was a long weekend at my favorite hotel, an ultra-romantic spot where we'd spent an amazing long weekend before kids. He arranged for us to go in February, when his parents would be here visiting and could watch the kids. Now I can see this as in his mind "trying", but then of course AP got back in the picture in January (she had a loss in her life and had no-one else to talk to but H, so called him and off it went).
That trip then, which we almost didn't go on because we were at the end stages of MC at that point and fighting like crazy and H was refusing to commit to a shared goal of a stronger M. Now thinking back, I think that last MC session was the first time he said something along the lines of maybe we shouldn't be married anymore. We spent the whole weekend having these very intense talks, crying, him finally telling me how hard the SSM had been on him, me somehow SEEING him for the first time in a long, long time, and the hardened clay that had dried around my heart and my feelings for him shattered. We slept together and I felt sexy for the first time in forever.
Typing all this (sorry guys, it is helpful for me to get it down on paper) I definitely see how my interest was probably sparked by the fear of loss that weekend. And this is my truth for what was going on with me. I'm not proud of my behavior or how I handled any of this. My perspective has totally shifted on all of this, from being able to view myself once again as a sexual being to not just tolerating but advocating for each of us to do things just for ourselves. Also, Alison once shared her perspective as the HD partner, and maybe it helps someone to get the perspective of the LD partner.
It was a couple of months after that weekend that H told me ILYB and that he was seriously contemplating D. I freaked out (again, in retrospect, wasn't as much of a bomb as I took it... I think I hadn't really been listening to what he was saying in MC, just fighting with him in front of her over him being a jerk and not agreeing with me to have a shared goal of strengthening our M). He went on a business trip (mm-hmm) I got a little space and read DR and Gottman and started implementing DB strategies when he got home-- 180s, GALing, avoiding R talks. On the Gottman front, recognizing and turning towards bids from him. And the relationship between the two of us improved dramatically. Yet another benefit of DBing-- no matter what happens, I've learned a lot about myself and how my actions can influence an R, both in positive and negative ways.
A long post. FS, I can't kick him out of the house in my state unless domestic abuse is an issue. Attorney agrees. I could potentially file a motion to request it but it starts to get in the thousands of dollars to pull that trigger and the likelihood is it would get denied. Scout, I really like that part about love, what it is and what it isn't. And, he simply can't own his [censored] right now. So I need to decide if I'm going to do the one thing I have said this entire time I wouldn't do--take the decision into my own hands and leave first-- or not. Alison, I do need to keep focusing on holding space for myself to think and listen to myself. I will say that it has generally been better and he's been respectful of my boundaries the last couple of days. We did talk some last night about our R, but I initiated, he didn't, and we didn't cross into the areas that I've explicitly said I don't want to venture.
He's off surfing now. Hopefully I can get him to take the kids on a hike again once he gets home so I can get some real space. I need to transcribe my notes from the attorney and she (and my exec coach also) recommended downloading the divorce packet from the State's website and to start going through it.
Thanks, everyone.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
may, I've been reading your posts and I feel like you're getting there. to the point where you can really see through your H's bs and manipulation and achieve clarity for yourself. I understand how hard it all is and you have had the gift of being able to see things from a very positive angle. Sometime it is good, sometimes it could deceive you. Anyway, other posters have all given great advice, I just want to tell you that you're a smart, brave woman and you deserve nothing less than what you seek in a partner.
Thanks, Wooba. I am not feeling that right now... maybe I am being who I want to be when I type things out here and then in real life am just weaker and more afraid.
Backslid with R talks this weekend, though he generally respected my boundaries around not talking about AP or the fantasy D scenario. My problem was I was unable to stick to my "I don't want to discuss this" lines. In several talks this weekend, I have continued to maintain that I think it is not in the best interest of the children to D and as parents I feel strongly that we should give our R our best shot, for them, before pulling that gigantic trigger. That walking out the door is a bright line for me and not something I can forgive him for. And that I refuse to discuss any future options that include me being OK with AP in the picture in any way, shape, or form.
I have explicitly said over and over that this is his decision and I'm not going to make it for him. But that I'm not stopping him. He is free to go. (Steve, if you're reading, he said again this afternoon OK, I want to MO. He was looking at places and found one nearby that isn't so bad. I said OK, is that your decision? he said yes. I said ok when shall we tell the children? He said let's do it now. I said OK. We stared at each other for a minute or so without moving and then he blinked first. He said I don't WANT to move out. I don't WANT to live somewhere else. I don't WANT to get a divorce. I just want those things PLUS feel the way AP makes me feel. I said, this is your decision.)
He told me he spoke to her this morning and she is removing all pressure on him for a timetable. She was pushing that she was moving on unless he had a real plan to split with me because of fear of getting hurt again and has "realized" that she is already too deep again and will get hurt no matter what. So she is removing pressure from him for a plan, she doesn't want her fear to get in his way. (UGH.) He feels that he has made a commitment to her as he has told her he wants to spend his life with her so leaving her is breaking that commitment, breaking her heart, consigning her to a sad and lonely life without him. (double UGH.) He wants to be with her but is scared of the repercussions of leaving me. He really wants one of us to make the decision for him. Sounds like she isn't going to be the one. And I'm still unwilling to give him that gift.
Here's the thing. Even though I've said repeatedly he is free to go, this is his decision, he doesn't feel that he is free to go because he thinks I'll be vindictive about the children and will not make decisions in their best interests once we split (because to him remaining friends and spending time together is a critical part of their future well-being). That he thinks I'll vilify her or him to them. (Of course he bounces back and forth between that and not believing me, thinking that I'll of course end up being nice and happy for the sake of the children.) He says he WANTS to go. He WANTS to be with her. He doesn't see how he can get her out of his system without trying to be with her first. if he stayed he'd be resentful and would never, ever fall out of love with her. He's still mad at me about the SSM and doesn't know if he can forgive me for that. He could imagine best case scenario being friends and having fun and all the stuff we were doing in lockdown, but can never imagine having a fulfilling "in love" MR with me again. That he has fallen out of love with me and thinks there is too much between us including what he has done with the A to ever really reconnect. That he is afraid that we try and still end up Ded a few years down the line and then he has lost his chance with AP forever. But he can't make that decision without knowing that the kids will be OK and he doesn't believe that they will unless I am Happy McDivorcee.
If I take all this at face value... which I'm trying to (though my traitorous heart keeps saying that once he gets her out of his system, he's the kind of person who always post-hoc decides whatever happens was the best thing that could possibly have ever happened, so he *will* work on the MR with me and we have actually a very good chance of M2.0 if we work at it together)... there is truly no point to staying with him. He has proven himself to be a weak, lying, cheater. Unable to stick to NC for four months with AP, insisting on doing everything his own way. I don't want that. I don't want a life with someone who always holds a candle for his long-lost mistress and never really falls back in love with me. With someone who would resent me for representing him giving up all that he could have had if only I'd have 'let' him. And this all assumes we don't end up back in the same place in another four months. I deserve a full R with a loving, equal partner, and he's not exactly a good bet right now.
So here's my question. Do I sit down with him and go over what a post-S relationship would look like? I downloaded all the D worksheets and have what I feel is a fair financial and child physical custody split to propose to him. (At least a good negotiation starting point.) I think he'd be OK with it in general, though there are a few things he won't like (not getting to take the children on multi-week vacations, for instance, which he considers to be a "threat" since this is something he wants so much. Whereas I have only considered this past year letting him take the kids on a vacation without me for 2 weeks maximum only because I gave a $hit what he wanted as my H. Once I no longer have to take his feelings into consideration, that goes out the window.) I have done budgets for us each separately with S and D scenarios both, and one with me trying the consulting route and less income at first. (yes, I know that doing his budget for him is controlling/whatever. But I don't need to show him that one.
If we don't actually get divorced right away, I would propose to write up a post-nup agreement that would outline what we're agreeing to now. We can split our savings and get separate accounts and treat our finances separately, which I think we should be able to write into the post-nup and keep our own $$s. I have a proposal for financial support based on our state's I actually think I am better off financially if we stay married on paper, at least for awhile while I work on my consulting business, if I decide to go that route. And I also think I have the most leverage right now that I'll ever have. But even with all of that, I still can't bring myself to be the one to tell him I want to S or D.
Or, do I sit tight and let him stew and make his own decision? I feel like that is the better answer, assuming I want to hold onto the position of making him be the one to do it. I wrote out this afternoon what I would propose we say to the children, together. For whatever reason, as I went through that, it is still important to me to be able to say that Daddy is doing this, not Mommy. I know I can work on this part as it is not my fault we are in the situation we are in... it is his. But I'm not there yet.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
He told me he spoke to her this morning and she is removing all pressure on him for a timetable. She was pushing that she was moving on unless.........He really wants one of us to make the decision for him. Sounds like she isn't going to be the one. And I'm still unwilling to give him that gift.
Why were you listening to this? walk away when he starts talking about OW!
Originally Posted by may22
Here's the thing. Even though I've said repeatedly he is free to go, this is his decision, he doesn't feel that he is free to go because he thinks I'll be vindictive about the children and will not make decisions in their best interests once we split.... But he can't make that decision without knowing that the kids will be OK and he doesn't believe that they will unless I am Happy McDivorcee.
This is still all focused on him. What HE thinks...how HE feels......don't go there. He is responsible for his own feelings and actions. You hold on to what YOU think is okay for YOU. how YOU are feeling.
Originally Posted by may22
He has proven himself to be a weak, lying, cheater. Unable to stick to NC for four months with AP, insisting on doing everything his own way. I don't want that. I don't want a life with someone who always holds a candle for his long-lost mistress and never really falls back in love with me. With someone who would resent me for representing him giving up all that he could have had if only I'd have 'let' him. And this all assumes we don't end up back in the same place in another four months. I deserve a full R with a loving, equal partner, and he's not exactly a good bet right now.
more of this. looking at his actions and not what he possibly could be thinking or feeling behind his actions. You know you deserve better. And he just isn't that right now.
Originally Posted by may22
So here's my question. Do I sit down with him and go over what a post-S relationship would look like?
Or, do I sit tight and let him stew and make his own decision? I feel like that is the better answer, assuming I want to hold onto the position of making him be the one to do it. I wrote out this afternoon what I would propose we say to the children, together. For whatever reason, as I went through that, it is still important to me to be able to say that Daddy is doing this, not Mommy. I know I can work on this part as it is not my fault we are in the situation we are in... it is his. But I'm not there yet.
You control your own behavior, therefore just like you cannot force him to move out, you cannot expect him to agree to tell your children together about D. You don't need to sit down and paint a picture of post-s relationship for him. You don't need to spell it out for him. You've said explicitly to him that his fantasy is not going to be the reality. yet he still wants it. The more you try to "make him understand" the more it seems like you are unable to leave him.
it might help if you try to identify what you are getting out of these R talks. You don't want to have them, but you keep having them - so there must be something in that interaction, unpleasant though it is, that you want - otherwise you'd find it easier to avoid them
From the way you describe this, it sounds like a power struggle - your H desperately trying to get something from you (approval, a decision, attention, the thrill of an argument, the satisfaction of your distress, the sense he's being fought over by two woman, the reassurance he still has his plan B and a decision to make - I don't know - but he's getting SOMETHING out of it) and you are also trying to get something from him - the answer you want, an admission from him he's being unreasonable, contrition, something else?
I find the way you describe these interactions absolutely astonishing - the garbage you listen to and that your H feels comfortable coming out with - and I can't imagine what is in it for you. But if you can sit and figure that out, you might be one step closer to dropping this rope and concentrating on yourself and your own problem rather than his.
Don't sit with him and go through what a divorce or separation would look like. You don't have total control over that, and if it comes down to it, your lawyers will sort that out. Why on earth would you do that wife work for him?
He's very clear about what he wants - cake-eating and an open marriage - and you're very clear what you want - a closed marriage with a faithful husband committing to you of his own free will. Neither of you are able to offer the other what they want, and neither of you are willing to accept that - so you keep working and working on each other and it isn't going to work and it's sheer madness. I suspect this won't end until whatever payoff you're getting from the status quo is outweighed by the pain it is causing you.
My H used to say he wasn't moving out because he feared how awful I'd be to the kids without him there. It was sheer manipulation - he wanted me to 'prove' I wasn't an angry / mean / messed up person in order to get his approval. I suspect your H is doing some version of the same. Who cares what a lying manipulative cheater imagines about some possible future scenario?
Protect yourself and your kids and stop worrying about him. Why on earth would you do a post-D budget for him?!
1. Out of guilt? 2. So he gives you permission to D? 3. To reassure him?
D isn’t a team sport. That doesn’t mean you make him your enemy. It just means you do what’s best for you rather than the family. There is no family any more. There’s you and the kids, and him and the kids.
You obviously aren’t ready to D. You told him as much. That’s totally okay. You don’t have to D now or ever.
But I just don’t see you getting anywhere with these talks. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. He says his lines, you say yours, and the stalemate continues. That’s how it looks from the outside. I’m here shaking my head reading the same convo over and over.
If you’ve got YOUR budget figured out and you can swing it - why not look for your own place? A separate living situation is a long way from a legal D. It leaves the door open for R if that’s what you want. Lots of people do temporary separations. The kids will be okay. You can make it exciting for them. They WILL be okay, I promise.
Honestly, the best decision is neither of your options. It’s to say “I’m moving out”. I also believe this is your one and only chance at reconciliation. Moving out doesn’t mean D or even S. You will need to have that talk about finances and custody, but there’s no point unless you’ve made the decision to leave, IMHO.
Wooba, I am totally unable to walk out. It has much less to do with him and mostly to do with my children and how I view myself as a mother. I can't really explain it except I'm just not there right now. It leaves me feeling so powerless.
i have been working and working at trying to examine and release my own fears about S/D. I feel I have made a good amount of progress here, actually. I asked one question today about a financial thing that would be a big ask on my end, and at first he was like what? and when I explained how I saw it he said he thought that was fair. If we could work that out it would make an enormous difference to me financially. I don't know that he'll stick by that when he sees what child support payments will look like on top of all this... plus I'm sure if he wasn't trying to be nice to me he would be asking for more of a split of time (also reduces child support) which would make it even less likely that I could afford the mortgage on this house by myself... but at least for now it does help me feel more secure.
Yesterday I barely ate anything all day, fell asleep early, then woke up to a nightmare at 2 am and was awake the rest of the night. I did better at eating today and hope if I can get a good night's sleep I'll do better tomorrow. This morning, though, was the first time I told myself I knew the girls and I would be fine no matter what happened and actually believed it. It wavers during the day, when we talk and interact, when I see him hugging the children, cooking food, just doing the regular things that people do. Wooba, I read on your thread about being lonely, missing coming home to your best friend to talk to and share the day with. This is probably the main thing I'm scared of losing right now, because all the other parts of a good H are not really there. But if one could wave a magic wand and erase the A and the lies and all the things he's said to me in the context of this, outside of that context he isn't the angry alien so many others have. He is still H. That makes it harder, I think.
Alison, I don't know why I listen to this. Maybe part of me thinks that I'll hear that last horrible thing and finally crack my resolve and can ask him to leave and mean it. I think you are right in that it is a total power struggle. H wanting me to give him the green light and tell him it is all going to be OK. Me still wanting him to change his mind, I think, as much as I pretend that isn't the case. I do still hold out hope that he'll say you know, I can't do this, I am going to stay and break it off with her. Even though my rational mind knows the chances of that working at this point are very small. He said today (again) what if this was an addiction, wouldn't you help me through it? What if this was just a relapse? Which is of course what I want to hear. I'm trying not to respond though. He keeps changing his mind. Today he took the kids for a hike and when he came home he hugged me. Said when he was hiking he made up his mind to stay. But then he isn't sure again. At least now I am doing better at just not responding to this.
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
I suspect this won't end until whatever payoff you're getting from the status quo is outweighed by the pain it is causing you.
I think you are right. Sadly. I like your suggestion of examining what I'm getting out of this, though, to push me towards dropping the rope.
I also think that the other thing I'm really dreading is him having a full-on R with the AP. That fills me with white-hot rage. I don't know why it affects me so much more to think of that than to hear him say how he feels about her. The idea of her being in his life, my kids' lives, seeing her at soccer games and school performances... I want to vomit and set things on fire. It is not healthy. So I think I'm also desperately trying to avoid that reality. Her being long distance has made it all not seem quite as real, either, so the idea of her actually being in our lives in the flesh is horrible. H says he thinks I just want him to not be with her and so am asking to work on the MR even though I don't really want to be with him either so that she moves on and he misses out on his chance to be with her. There may be some truth to that, IDK. I feel like I could deal with this all so much better if there wasn't this 11-year-younger, same mixed ethnicity as me AP who just looooooves my GD H oh so much that she can't live without him. It makes me feel like a crazy person to think about them together in the future. (Any thoughts on this one?)
I got a book on talking to kids about D and started reading it tonight. I am really trying to immerse myself in the reality and release these fears.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
First I wanted to respond to the SSM. I think you have given it enough mental space. It happened. You have taken responsibility and you understand your motivations. But no amount of thinking is going to make him understand your motivations. He has to want to forgive you but he can't do that because doing that so would lay bare his own faults. Stop feeding him and stop torturing yourself.
The other thing I would suggest is to stop thinking about the future. Right now all you need to do is get on with today. What is May doing today which is just for May. Do something that makes today special, not grand spectacular special, just special. Go for a run or call a friend and see about meeting in the park and going for a long walk, find a new recipe and bake a cake/special dinner with the kids.
