Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 559
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 559
Likes: 1
Quote
One thing that has really struck me is how much her H milked the 'but you threw me out' line, and I realized this is one of the things I'm trying to avoid. I know, know, know he will do this and it will be awful. He may say it to others, he may say it to the children, and I know he will throw it in my face. And I simply don't want to give him that ammunition.


This is manipulation on his part and control on your part.

Why does this bother you so much? I guarantee the first thought in anyone’s mind would be “what did you do to deserve that?” and the second thought would be “I bet you cheated on her”. Wives don’t just go around throwing out husbands for no reason. People tend to know what’s up.

Also, unfortunately, it’s likely he’s already been poisoning the well about your character, if not to friends and family, certainly to the OW. Although who cares what she thinks, honestly. Point is, you can’t control what he says and you shouldn’t base your actions on attempting to control the outcome.

As for the kids, it would be a teachable moment about boundaries and consequences. I sense your belief that you’d have to own the guilt for breaking up the family. Please, please do not allow your H to manipulate you into owning HIS guilt. You do not owe it to your children to stay and you don’t want them resenting you later for making that assumption.

Imagine people reacting to “I took my H back after his three year affair.” Now imagine the reaction to “I threw my H out after his three year affair.” I’m doing it now and imagining only applause and approval. There’s no shame in having strength in your convictions if you do decide to leave. The punishment more than fits the crime.


chumplady.com
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 1,048
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 1,048
May - I am a little busy right now, so I am just popping in to say one thing. My H still does bring the fact up that I kicked him out and changed the locks on him now and again. He really does! He's also made it into this massive sob story with his relatives, who I have very distant relations with now (mainly my choice, to be honest.) For a while I validated him about this - 'I know that was really upsetting for you,' and it got me nowhere. These days I just tell him the truth, 'Yes, I did - the way you were behaving was incompatible with family life. I'd do it again in a heartbeat if I needed do.' He doesn't like it, and I don't mind at all about him not liking it. I think if you focus on detachment, a lot of these fears you have about what your H will think or not think, or do or not do, will just fade away. I remember - I posted about this - H telling me that his colleagues at work were laughing at how upset I was when we were S. Now I actually doubt this is true, and if it is true, then that demonstrates something pretty unsavory about him and his colleagues, and if I were him I'd want to keep that unsavory fact to myself. It doesn't hurt at all. It isn't even mildly of interest. You will get there. You will. And every single time your H comes out with some of his selfish, chump like behaviour, he's actually helping you get there a little bit quicker - so long as you open your eyes and accept what is really happening and don't make excuses for him. You are on the right track and you are going to be fine.

Go and buy yourself your sexy lady detached sunglasses. And an Audrey Hepburn hat.

Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
M
may22 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
Originally Posted by scout12
Why does this bother you so much? I guarantee the first thought in anyone’s mind would be “what did you do to deserve that?” and the second thought would be “I bet you cheated on her”. Wives don’t just go around throwing out husbands for no reason. People tend to know what’s up.

Thinking about this more, it is more about what he can say to me, himself, and the kids. I don't really care if he says to other people "she kicked me out even though I was willing to work on the M" because we all know that an affair is absolutely grounds for kicking your H out. I think it is more the dynamic between the two of us and I get that I'm not looking at this from a place of total detachment. If I was I wouldn't care what he thought or threw at me. That is just not the case right now and just reading through Alison's threads I can see myself there so easily and know it would drive me absolutely bonkers. Especially after I've staked out this position for so many months that our M is worth trying for. Again, I can see a path to change my mind and I 100% give myself permission to change my mind as my feelings change and/or I learn more about my H, his past behavior, his current behavior, his likelihood to change. I'm just not there right now and I can't really fake it.

Originally Posted by scout12
Also, unfortunately, it’s likely he’s already been poisoning the well about your character, if not to friends and family, certainly to the OW. Although who cares what she thinks, honestly. Point is, you can’t control what he says and you shouldn’t base your actions on attempting to control the outcome.

I don't think this is true, tbh, excepting to OW and I don't give a $hit about what she thinks. I know he has presented the SSM as evidence of wrongdoing on my part to those he has spoken to about it (parents, brother, one friend) and I think they've all been like ouch, that isn't good, but doesn't justify what you did. (This has been troubling to him as I know he assumed they would all be shocked and horrified on his account, maybe because he's spent two years only telling the AP and IC about this and AP fed it and IC is an echo chamber, quite skilled at validating.) I think I've mentioned before he's said if I need to tell people about the A he'll have to tell them about the SSM to which I'm like, be my GD guest. I don't care if people know that. It is true. It doesn't excuse a single whiff of what you've done.

In terms of not being able to control what he says... Yes. I know this. In terms of basing my actions on attempting to control the outcome... I'm still not 100% there. Yes, I see I should be making decisions in the best interests of me and the girls. Yes, a part of me feels like H is a bad bet and so I'm better off without him. I still am not there for the children. I hear you all saying they'll be fine. Are their lives better off with me and H in an OK M vs separated? Can I be the best mom I can be while going through this trauma? Will it ever end? If I do decide to stay and work on the M and he does as well, what does that look like and can I actually *do* it? Let alone knowing that H would have to be just as invested in the process, which he isn't at this point. I know that I had difficulties within a couple months when he broke it off with her last time, of not feeling like my needs were being met because H was still feeling so sorry for himself. Maybe in writing this I'm starting to convince myself that there is no path forward together until he can 100% own his own actions and commit himself to fixing things, which isn't where we are right now. I don't know. At this point, just trying to keep focused on myself and a lid on my feelings, avoid R talks until at least we both have a chance to talk to our ICs.

I think there is more than I have wanted to admit about not wanting people to know about all of this. It is just such a sad, f-ing cliche to have my 40 year old H go and leave me for a much younger woman. I'm really, really angry about that. I think I need to better understand why I'm so much angrier over the actual leaving than the cheating. I can't explain it, but it is true.

Alison, in your thread recently you were talking about the trauma of the actual S, knowing that one or both of you could exit the M-- somehow making that all real feels really scary to me. Also, I know (as you've said, Scout) the S or even D doesn't necessarily preclude R down the line. But I'm having a really hard time grasping that. I think as soon as he leaves and it is out there WHY I just can't imagine ever wanting to be with him again. Maybe that is part of the reason I'm pushing him to make the decision himself-- it gives me the ammunition I need internally to cut ties and move on. Whereas if I kick him out, it makes it more like something we chose together and maybe could potentially choose to reconnect? And I don't want to leave that hanging out there if we split? And still, the act of walking out the door and leaving me for OW is still so rage-inducing for me. Maybe I'm just trying to avoid that situation at all costs.

I'll go buy those sunglasses-- I have a gift certificate I can use and am excited about imagining myself as the cool, collected, unavailable woman. I also am still looking at puppies (which H knows). I just got to the part of your old threads where you got the puppy earlier than agreed upon by your H and it cracks me up as I know my H would behave in the exact same way. He is watching me so carefully about the potential adoption of a puppy. I found a super cute one this morning in a mix of two breeds I've been talking about and it was soooo cute. I've told the kids we're getting either a puppy or two kittens in September.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 750
Likes: 1
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 750
Likes: 1
Hey may -

Just in case you weren't aware or no one has told you lately, you're a very strong person. Take a breath, focus on you, and don't forget to be kind to yourself.

Also - one more thing:


Who cares what he thinks?



Stay strong - you got this. smile

Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 141
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 141
Originally Posted by may22


I think there is more than I have wanted to admit about not wanting people to know about all of this. It is just such a sad, f-ing cliche to have my 40 year old H go and leave me for a much younger woman. I'm really, really angry about that. I think I need to better understand why I'm so much angrier over the actual leaving than the cheating. I can't explain it, but it is true.


What has your IC said about this? What do you think that anger stems from? In my previous M, I kept a lot of things under wraps about what was going on (alcoholism/abuse), because I was both angry at him for misleading me about who he was and embarrassed for me; embarrassed that I made a bad life investment, concerned it'd reflect poorly on me - but ultimately, it actually had nothing to do with me, and I think that is the case here. You have every right to be angry. Just know that it's OK to feel that way, and that his actions are a reflection of him, not you. You aren't defective. I don't get the vibe that you feel that way, but wanted to chime in just in case. Maybe anger because you now have to change the future you'd envisioned for yourself, and that isn't fun? You are having to mourn all kinds of things right now.

My heart goes out to you. I know this is hard, and I am sorry that H isn't making it any easier.

Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
M
may22 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
Thanks, IW... that means a lot. I am feeling like I'm frustrating you guys by being so slow to detach and deal with all of this. I feel like if I was in your collective shoes I'd feel the same. There's just a lot to parse through. And now that I'm starting to let myself feel angry, I feel a little taken over by it sometimes and needing to be sure I'm seeing what is real and not what my angry friend inside wants me to think. Anyway, who does care what he thinks?? Yeah!!!

SamCal, I need to bring this up with my IC this week. We talked about it briefly but didn't dig in. I really don't think, though, that he is a 100% a-hole. I don't think I made a bad choice in marrying him, and we had a lot of really great years together. However, I am really mad now that he's making me (maybe) be divorced. I need to understand why I am so against the whole idea so that I can understand how much that is driving me vs really thinking that this M may be salvageable if only he really wanted to salvage it. There are a lot of logistical things too, my job, travel, finances, etc that I want now or had always counted on that will no longer be possible in a Ded situation. So I'm grieving the potential loss of those things and dealing with the anger and unfairness there too.

And. This would be so. much. f-ing. easier. if. he. was. a. d!ck (Cardinal--duck smile ). all. day. long. Too bad he isn't the raging narcissist as that would be cake in comparison. He's fully into charm with a hint of self-pity mode. He actually listened to what I said yesterday about it being dumb to approach this trip the way he was doing it, let go of the elements that were borrowed from the original trip idea, and spent the whole day researching and booking hotels that he knows I would like. I've stayed non-committal about the whole thing. No R-talks.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 559
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 559
Likes: 1
You're not frustrating us. This is your journey on your terms and your timeline. We're just the Greek chorus slash cheer squad slash armchair psychologists smile


chumplady.com
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
M
may22 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
Scout... I really heart you. smile


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 300
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 300
Originally Posted by may22
Thanks, I am feeling like I'm frustrating you guys by being so slow to detach and deal with all of this. I feel like if I was in your collective shoes I'd feel the same.


I have had this thought many, many, many times when I’ve posted here. Firstly, if that’s the case for you after you’ve been here less than a year, imagine what everyone must think of me 2 + years later! Secondly, In all seriousness though, nobody feels that way. Scout is right, most people read along/comment with situations with only pure intentions, otherwise why bother? Lastly, one day while having those thoughts about what everyone on these boards must think of me, I stopped suddenly and realized that those worries were more likely a reflection of what I was thinking about myself.

/
Quote

And. This would be so. much. f-ing. easier. if. he. was. a. d!ck. all. day. long. Too bad he isn't the raging narcissist .


YUP. I feel this so much. If my WAH has been nothing but a d!ck/cold/angry consistently this whole time, I know I’d be a lot further along in my detachment process. I don’t think that’s a coincidence or an accident in my situation, and I don’t think it is in yours either. They do that on purpose. They are “nice” for many reasons, and one of them is to try and keep us where they want us. I know that helps fuel my anger, maybe it will help yourself too.

xx

Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 682
Likes: 30
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 682
Likes: 30
You're not frustrating in any way. He flipped the script on you in the 11th hour. That is just beyond unsettling. Honestly it's like being betrayed twice. So don't worry about all that.

I did stop by to talk a bit about the p!ssed off at the leaving vs the actual affair. I wrote what's below back in January. Maybe it can help you sort out where you're at. I was never as upset as people here or IRL think I should've been about the affair. Abandoning me and our marriage and our kids because he was too stupid or stubborn to face his issues head on that, that upset me.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
What drives my anger, my sadness, my hurt, my swings, my inability to detach, is the stranger that I'm living with. He engages my fear, my insecurities, my childhood and past relationship issues. He took the one thing in my life I thought was safe. The first home in my whole life I've felt completely secure in and burnt it to ashes, and has the audacity to look me in the face and say "I just don't think we can make each other happy. I just want us both to be happy." When only a few months ago we were half naked on a beach drunk and couldn't get enough of each other. What's killing me is him making me feel like the last 7 years of my life were a complete lie. Like our entire relationship up to BD was all in my head, like a silly little school girl. With that, his vilification of me, his rewriting of history, his constant pendulous swing from her to us, living his life as if he isn't married, but when I say "hey just let me know if you're coming back tonight don't want to not set the alarm and leave the lights on if you're not" and his response is "I'll be home." Home. HOME. He'll be home. How are you out there living like I don't exist? Like I'm not home with a child that I didn't birth while you do as you please, but still call the place we sleep your home? That right there is why I struggle to detach.


I also wanted to mention that I've dealt with the same thing you've dealt with of how much easier this would be if H was a "duck" (god I love that cardinal..lol) all the time. I see how hostile and combative some of these WS/WAS are and I think well that would've been easy. And maybe it's charm for the sake of charm, and maybe it's them being themselves for just a little peek but I think it makes everything harder when you see who you thought they were.

It's ok to be just absolutely livid right now. It's ok to be not so perfect at detachment. It's ok to be a little all over the place. It's ok to be hurt and angry about things that don't make perfect sense on the surface. Everything your feeling is perfectly ok. I think all we ask, is there's a little more focus on May's survival and a little less on H's 3 ring circus. Not because you're frustrating, because you deserve it. You deserve the focus.

Thinking of you often xoxoxoxo

Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard